In previous articles, we have suggested that as human beings we have six different needs. That both parties in a relationship have their six human needs satisfied in the relationship is the basis for the relationship to grow and thrive.

In previous articles, we have suggested that as human beings we have six different needs. That both parties in a relationship have their six human needs satisfied in the relationship is the basis for the relationship to grow and thrive.

To refresh your memory, so the six needs are, the need for:

  • Certainty
  • Uncertainty
  • Significance
  • Connection/Love
  • Personal Development/Growth
  • Contribution

If you feel unsure about what the six needs mean more in detail, we recommend that you go back and read the previous article from class number 8 of the Relationship School in order for you to get the most from this article.

Within or outside the relationship

It can often be the case that one or more of the needs do not become satisfied inside the relationship. It is common to think it can be difficult and tedious to deal with the problem, often you do not know what to do and think you have tried everything.

Maybe your partner does not give you the feeling of certainty or security that you feel you need or you do not feel really important to your partner.

It can result in one or both partners in the relationship finding other ways to satisfy these needs, such as through friends, siblings, parents, food, smoking, jobs, hobbies, watching TV, courses, non-profit organisations, pets or children.

The difference between connection and love

The fourth need really has two dimensions, connection and love. A common occurrence is that after a period of time has we settle for merely having the need for connection satisfied in the relationship, while we find other ways, such as through the children or relatives. to meet the need for unconditional love and have that satisfied.

A relaitonship that grows

It's not only about you having your needs met in the relationship and not at work or with friends. It is about getting all your needs met in a relationship so that it grows. If one need is not satisfied or to very little extent, it's not a relationship that will grow and become more and more intimate.

Important questions

Which of your needs do you tend to satisfy outside your relationship? Why? What needs does your partner satisfy outside your relationship? Why?

What do you feel when your partner goes outside the relationship, for example to feel important and needed? How does your partner react when you look outside the relationship to get any of your needs met?

What can you do to change the pattern and begin to satisfy that need together with your partner? How can you help your partner to satisfy your needs?

Masculine and feminine, men and women

In this article, and in future articles we will talk about various features and characteristics of masculine and feminine energy. One example is that masculine energy grows with challenge, feminine energy grows with attention.

It is important to make clear that as we see it, it might just as well be a woman that represent the masculine energy in the relationship if that is her true self or core, and vice versa a man can represent the most feminine energy.

How it often is

The most common is undoubtedly that in a relationship the man at his core is the one with the most masculine energy, and the woman has the most of the feminine energy.

For the sake of simplifying

To simplify the reading (and writing) of these texts, we will sometimes refer to men or women, instead of always writing "a person with masculine energy" or "a person with feminine energy". For example in the section below.

Examples of problems when a man is unable to meet his woman's needs

A man who does not feel that he can make his woman happy is rarely completely happy himself. Men like to feel that they are taking care of their family and that everyone is doing well there.

If not, and he feels unable to find any solution to how he can make them feel good, he tends to react in one of three ways.

The three ways of reacting

Either by anger and frustration which often affects the rest of the family.

Way number two means to become "pleaser", meaning a man who does everything for his woman to be satisfied to the point that he loses his masculine position and his own will.

A third common way is that he pulls away, not sharing what he feels, and blames various factors for doing this such as the need to raise money for the family to live well and therefore needing to work late a lot.

Filippa: We women need to be helping the man to understand what it is we need to be happy. Here you have to be extremely clear, if the message is not understood, be even clearer and try to show it in a different way.

One way might be to draw parallels and parables with something he knows well, such as how he takes care of the car. Women have a great need to be acknowledged and we'd love to be that just when the man thinks it is hardest to do it.

Show how he can acknowledge and appreciate you, and explain that it is important to you.

Earlier my partner prioritized focus on what he was doing before to acknowledging and appreciating me, he thought it was hard when I came to him and wanted to hug or talk while he was sitting at the computer. This led to me after a while doing the same thing back to hime and so a downward spiral got started.

Changing a relationship that is going downhill

To actually lift the relationship to a higher level, both parties need to whole heartedly get into the relationship and cut ties to that which satisfies their needs outside the relationship.This is not saying that we should never satisfy any needs outside the relationship, but if we do it as an escape it is does exits or drains that we need to shut off.

The importance of being hones

Here it is important to be honest, both with yourself and with your partner. The questions that we gave examples of above can be a good basis for such honesty. Without honesty about how much you feel that your needs are satisfied and how much you satisfy of your partner's needs, you can not achieve a powerful and lasting change.

Creating the change

One such change can be to stop complaining about the relationship to friends and family and instead bring it up in the relationship wth your partner. It could also be to not prioritize work before the relationship. It may be to focus on your partner before the kids and make him or her to feel like number one, for example, by teaching your children not to interrupt when you talk.

It is important that none of you are threatening to leave the relationship if there is no change, and alo that you do not use weapons such as blaming, downtalking or making fun of each other in front of others.  

Set a date

Rather that you truly decide to take this relationship to the next level together. Set a date six months forward where you will pause to assess how the relationship has changed and if it is so that you both feel satisfied and if not, what you are going to change next.

The good thing about setting a date is that it is then easier not to start evaluating as you go and instead really giving everything during this time period and then pause to evaluate.

Of course you should talk regularly about how you feel in the relationship and give each other feedback, argue, etc, but do not start thinking about whether you want to stay in the relationship or not. Choose to be fully present in the relationship every day.

The promise to your partner and your self

Promise each other for example that whatever happens you willl make your partner feel like they are the most important thing in you life or make them feel more loved than you ever did before.

The important thing is that you promise something that the other partner values most and that he or she misses the most in the current situation. Repeat this promise regularly so that you and your partner are reminded what the meaning of your relationship is.

Markus: After I learned about the six different needs and, above all on how we can satisfy them within or outside the relationship, it was repeatedly clear to me how I had a habitual pattern that I took resort to when felt that I was unable to reach through fully to my partner and did not feel that I had my needs met.

Then it easily happened that I took refuge in for example projects such as working on the computer, where I felt sure I could get results (certainty), where there were problems to solve (uncertainty) and where I felt I was skilled and competent (significant).

I also felt a lot of contact with myself (connection) and often the problems also provided me with the opportunity to grow. At least five of my needs were then met to a large extent. Of course it felt good to escape there instead of working on that which felt more difficult, i.e my relationship with my partner.

As someone said, there is nowhere where we can feel so vulnerable and afraid as in an intimate relationship. Also there is nowhere else where we can be so deeply satisfied and happy as human beings.

Now that I have come to realize the above problems and succeeded in making a change to instead prioritize working inside relationship instead of outside it, I can report that although it still means challenges to deal with in my and my partner's relationship, life "on the other side" is fantastic.

A key to success

Sometimes we miss the obvious, often we see the world through lenses colored by our own personality, our preferences, our own experience. When it comes to satisfying your partner's needs, the aim is to do it in a way that he or she wants them satisfied.

It may sound trite, simple, but lets repeat it one more time for it is a common trench to drive into in our relationships; in order to fully satisfy your partner's needs you need to satisfy them in his or her way.

It is about how we met the needs

Say that you realize that your partner has a need to feel significant. Great, you think, I feel significant when someone lets me finish me sentences without interrupting me. Problems arise when your partner, whose needs it is all about, might feel significant to others when others interrupt them, adding their own thoughts, being active. 

If you then, with the best of intentions, let your partner talk and finish all of his or her sentences you miss the target of your partner's needs with a mile, to say the least.

So what to do?

Become a detective, a Sherlock Holmes or relationships. Devote your creativity, your energy and your attention to figuring out your partner's needs and, above all, make it your main mission to figure out in what different ways you can best satisfy his or her needs.

Do it and do it for some time without holding the bill, or keeping track, regarding whether your partner does the same for you or not. Do it because you love your partner, become a master detective for his or her sake.

Find the ways, put them into use and witness your relationship changing dynamically to levels you previously thought were not possible.

Inspiration and knowledge for this article

We have learned about these six human needs from Anthony Robbins and we highly recommend a visit to his web site. We can also warmly recommend participating in Tony's trainings. He has lots of great resources for your relationship as well.

Homework Assignment

Use the questions in the second section of this article, headlined "Important Questions". Answer them yourself in writing. If you currently live in a relationship use that relationship as the basis for your answers.

If you do not live in a relationship today, take any previous relationship and see if you can see patterns in it that you can learn from to create better mutual satisfaction in your next relationship.

If you live in a relationship now, ask your partner to also read the previous article if necessary, and then this article. Then ask him or her to also answer the questions. Then share your answers with each other and see what you can learn from it.

Couple with laptop studying relationships