Sometimes we want to change things in our relationships or in ourselves. When we finally get to the point where we want to make a change, we normally want two things: that the change will happen as quick and efficiently as possible, and that the change will be permanent. How can you make an efficient and permanent change on a conscious level?

There are different steps to follow; we can call it strategies that other people have used with success when they wanted to achieve changes in their lives. Let us look closer on these proven effective steps below which will help you achieve what you want in your life and your relationships.

1. Find out exactly what you it is you want

Find out exactly what it is you want (and what you don't want). It is important that it is specific and that you know when you want it. It is hard for the brain to understand and work towards "I'd like to live by the water at some stage". Do you want to live next to the sea, lake or a river and when exactly? It can be the same when you say "I want a better relationship". What is it that you would like to be better in the relationship? That you should become better in listening to each other, make love more often and in that case how or is it that you more often need to express the love for each other and in that case how? If you are two that need to reach the same goal then make sure that you have agreed on and have the same vision of the goal.

2. Create leverage

Create leverage. Since we are drawn towards what we think is positive and away from what we think is negative we can use this natural force consciously.

Cut out images on things that are as similar as possible or that are symbols for your dream. You can write affirmations such as "I'm ready to receive X amount of money now to build my new house in the spring" or "I'm ready to receive more love to my partner that I can express by listening more attentively to her" Read it out loud over and over again each day with feeling. Feel free to say it out loud when you are out walking and feel that you really mean what you are saying. You can also say thanks for your new house or your more loving relationship, formulate it like you already have the house and loving it or that you are already experiencing this strengthen love and enjoying it.

We can burn bridges so that there is only one way to go and that is forward. Make it clear what the consequences would be if you don't do this change, how it will affect your self esteem, your health, your near and dear ones, what and who will you lose if you don't make this change?

Talk to and tell others what you are going to achieve, make sure to have people around you that will support you and challenge you to keep moving forward. Avoid telling people who will hold you back and take the energy from you.

Since things are drawn to positive energy make sure to have fun, take care of yourself both physically and mentally, it's the best way to make you ready to receive. Make it a habit to say yes when someone is offering you something you want, say thanks to compliments without making comments.

Markus: Here is one of the real keys to success in making changes in your life. Create leverage. Sometimes I have felt how I have gathered energy during a long time and then one day will come when I feel that "I have had enough, I won't let my frustration over petty things ruin my intimate relationships for one more minute!" or "not one more day with a home that doesn't breathe good health in every corner".

The energy that we can charge the leverage with is what makes the change almost free from effort. It's what brings us forward when we meet resistance. Because that is always the case, when we have an intention, something we want, an opponent or a resistance will always show up. The resistance could be laziness, a partner that doesn't want to change and so on. That is when the leverage is our best allied.

3. Remove obstacles

Remove obstacles. Most of them are mentally obstacles, even what we think is physical obstacles that we can't conquer is most often mentally obstacles in the end. We stop ourselves from focusing on possibilities instead of problems.

It is required here that you are completely honest to yourself, as long as you keep putting the responsibility on someone else or something else you will never get passed your obstacles.

So be brave and dare take full responsibility for your situation. Write a list of habits that are not beneficial for you, are you putting your time and energy on things that are taking you towards your goal? How is it with your truths about what is possible and what are not, which truths is it time to get rid of? Write down your truths like, "I can't be bothered...", "I can't...", "I don't know how...", and "It is impossible..." and so on.

Realize that these are not things that are true but things that you have persuaded yourself to think.

If you feel that you are doing the same thing over and over again you need to break that habit with something drastic. For example, you would like to break the habit of walking around and worrying. When you catch yourself with worrying, stretch your arms high up in the air and say out loud "Oh, what a wonderful day, it is filled with possibilities!!!" Put some music on that makes you full with positive energy and start being creative with finding solutions instead.

4. Create new truths and habits that benefits you

Write down the opposite to each previously said truth, for example "The truth is that I can create enough energy to reach what I want", "I can always find a way past an obstacle, there is always at least three alternatives".

Find habits that benefit you and others in the long term. Sometimes it might be habits that in the short term look like they are not good but if you look at them in the long run you will grow as a person and can contribute to a larger context if you change to this habit. It can be the habit of planning, to be on time, listen closely to others, affirm your goals each day, exercise regularly, eat healthy, socialize with people that gives you energy and makes you grow, read books and listen to CD's about personal developing each day.

5. Anchor these habits so that they become permanent

Anchor these habits so that they become permanent by talking about them as part of your identity, for example: I am an energy filled and healthy person. I am orderly and like planning. Tell other people so that you create expectations in others which will then help you to keep the habit. It is harder to change what you ARE than what you DO, so listen to what you are saying. Make sure that you ARE what you want to be and DO what you want to change, for example:"I make tiredness" instead of "I am tired". It can feel a bit odd to say this and you might get some questioning looks when you say it but it is easier to get out of the tiredness when you formulate it like this, try it and you'll see.

Visualize yourself to succeed over and over again; the brain doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy so the new habit will anchor as easy as if you had done it in reality.

Here it is also important to surround yourself with people who will help you to listen to what it is you are saying and who can give you feedback. Preferably it should be people who are ahead of you in the direction you want to go and who will challenge you to step outside your comfort zone.

6. Try that it works

Now, go through all the different steps. For example if you want to break the habit of worrying.

  1. What exactly do I want instead of worrying?
  2. Is it clear to me how worrying is affecting my life and how it holds me back from reaching what I want?
  3. Is it clear to me how I should break the habit if it were to come back again? (Stand up and say out loud, what a wonderful day!)
  4. What should I do instead of worrying? For example, sit down and write down different suggestions on solutions, go for a walk while I think of different solutions.
  5. Can I see myself as creative instead of being worried, what does it look like?
  6. Think of a situation that normally would worry you and see how you react.

If you are still feeling worried then go through the whole process again until you reach the result you want.

Filippa: Take a small change first and practice. First time I tried this I chose to change the habit of kicking myself every time I forgot something. Sometimes when I left home I forgot the keys, I used to swear to myself and let myself know how stupid and forgetful I was the whole way back to the apartment. I decided to change so that I instead would give myself credit for being good enough to remember it now and not first when I got to work.

In the beginning I started swearing but then I caught myself doing so and changed. The first time that I spontaneously just said, "keys, good girl for remembering that now!" I started to laugh at the situation and I happily went the whole way back to the apartment whistling. Not only did my self-esteem grow, I also started to forget the keys less and less times.

A quote to conclude with

"If you judge people you will have no time to love them"

(Modern Teresa)

Homework assigment

Make the decision to change a habit and use this model. Make sure to create enough leverage so that you can get the change you want.


Couple with laptop studying relationships