How do you end a relationship with respect and dignity? People make breaking up a lot more complicated than it needs to be. In this episode, I talk about how to handle breaking up in a clean, direct and honest way.
Question from Shelby: “I’ve been working on myself through a romantic relationship for about a year and a half now. We really seem to connect deeply when we are together – which is minimal – yet it’s not enough for him to stay in the relationship so that it goes anywhere significant. I feel like I’m just lingering in this relationship that I still have feelings for and it’s not at the level of commitment I want. I’ve heard you mention something along the lines of ‘when you end a relationship, you set the stage for your next relationship.’
How do I respectfully end a relationship with someone that won’t see me in person, won’t talk to me on the phone, or if I say anything serious by text, he disappears – in a way that invites a healthy relationship moving forward?”
SHOWNOTES
How do I end a relationship and not repeat patterns going forward? [2:00]
Ending a relationship like a mature adult [3:00]
How to un-complicate the break-up process [6:00]
Personal growth isn’t the end all be all. But it does make a massive difference if you want a thriving partnership over time…
QUESTION:
“My question is in relation to Podcast #34, Triggers. I’ve heard you say in numerous podcasts what’s required to have growth oriented people – that it requires 100% commitment of “I’m in” to the path of personal development, and responsibility and interest in myself for this work to be effective. What do you do if a person is 50% in? What do you do if they’re interested in taking responsibility and owning themselves about half the time? The rest of the time is still blaming, dealing with upsets, resentment and disconnection. The latter is tremendously difficult for me and brings up a lot for me. I can continue to work with my end of it, but also notice 50% is not good enough for me. I want more. Do you come up to this a lot in your work and if so, what are your solutions to dealing with it?”
– Max, Boulder, CO – 3/29/17
SHOWNOTES
Why you both need to be all-in [3:00]
Can a man who has sexual addiction to escorts because of anger overcome his addiction, and how do I stand by him while he’s working on this? [6:00]
Would a man cuddle with a female he doesn’t like or interested in? [7:00]
What causes a man to cheat when the woman helps with just about everything and will do anything for him? [9:00]
How do you know then you’re ready to take the next step in a relationship? [10:00]
How can I get him to understand that I don’t want it all the time and it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to him? [11:00]
When you and your partner are under stress [12:00]
Have you ever wondered why you struggle to learn something new when you are stressed? Do you wonder why you or your partner are so damn sensitive? Well, there’s a scientific reason for all of this and in this week’s episode, I interview the man who developed the polyvagal theory. He’s a real pioneer and someone who cares a lot about you feeling safe, in life, and in your relationships. Stephen Porges is about to give you a big download on why you might not feel safe and what you can do about it. Bottom line? We cover the neuroscience of safe relationships and how to create them.
SHOWNOTES
Why we need relationships to keep our nervous systems calm [16:00]
How neuroscience understands ‘intimacy’ [21:00]
Marriage before, during and after kids [25:00]
What to do next time you feel yourself triggered and activated [29:00]
How safety and creativity are linked [32:00]
Using your tone of voice to facilitate more safety in your interactions [43:00]
The surprising truth about our happiest childhood memories [55:00]
Why you should never work anything out over the phone [57:00]
GUEST BIOStephen W. Porges, PhD, is Distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University, where he directs the Trauma Research Center within the Kinsey Institute. He holds the position of Professor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina and Professor Emeritus at the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Maryland. He served as president of both the Society for Psychophysiological Research and the Federation of Associations in Behavioral & Brain Sciences and is a former recipient of a National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Development Award. He has published more than 250 peer-reviewed scientific papers across several disciplines including anaesthesiology, biomedical engineering, critical care medicine, ergonomics, exercise physiology, gerontology, neurology, neuroscience, obstetrics, pediatrics, psychiatry, psychology, psychometrics, space medicine, and substance abuse. In 1994 he proposed the Polyvagal Theory, a theory that links the evolution of the mammalian autonomic nervous system to social behavior and emphasizes the importance of physiological state in the expression of behavioral problems and psychiatric disorders. The theory is leading to innovative treatments based on insights into the mechanisms mediating symptoms observed in several behavioral, psychiatric, and physical disorders. He is the author of The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation (Norton, 2011). His new book, The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The transformative power of feeling safe, will be released this fall from W. W. Norton.
Is your sex drive different than your partner? This can lead to a lot of challenges. Unless, you keep things simple, lead with vulnerability and speak your needs. Listen here for more.
QUESTION:
Hi Jayson, this is Lillian, New Orleans. I’m reaching out to you today because I notice I’m having a really hard time asking for sex from my wife. We have a history of having kind of a wide libido gap and in recent years that’s smoothed out – we’re more compatible there now than we’ve been before – but I find myself in situations where if we’re away from each other for a long time, like say her work schedule is too loaded or something, I end up feeling kind of estranged from her and there’s some part of me that feels like connecting physically and even sexually would be grounding for me in some way. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but I do know that even if that’s not a thing, I’m concerned about my inability to ask. I’m wondering if you have anything to say about it? Thankyou for your hard work, thanks Jayson.
SHOWNOTES
If you’re scared to ask your partner for sex [2:00]
How ‘leading with vulnerability’ can help open the dialogue [4:00]
This week, we have a question from a listener named Mandy on connection. Here’s her question…
“Feeling connected. First of all, can we explore the meaning of that in depth? To me it’s hard to define and hard to ask for and hard to get though my partner really tries. It’s a feeling I get that my partner and I are connected. lol. Not helping. We’re connected when we’re both open to one another, present, affectionate, compassionate. Is it too much or unrealistic to want the goal to be in that heart centered connected space “all” the time? Not literally all the time but you know, like a majority. I could get that feeling from a 2 minute interaction everyday I think. That doesn’t seem unrealistic but please tell me if it is. Seems like for a lot of couples men get connected through sex and women can feel connected through sex but prefer to feel connected before being sexually intimate. That’s me. Why is that? How to handle when neither is getting what they need? Sex or heart connection. How can I go about being down for sex without a heart connection. How could a man move toward being more heart connected without sex? How do I explain my need to someone who this is all brand new to?”
Is it unrealistic to want to feel connected all the time? [6:00]
When life stress gets in the way of your connection at home [11:00]
Why ‘islands’ need more connection than you might think [18:00]
Learning how to reconnect after you lose connection [21:00]
What you can learn from sports teams and musicians about connection[27:00]
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