Podcast Archives - Page 67 of 85 - The Relationship School®

Shame In Your Relationship – SC 113

Shame is a lot more common in a relationship than you think. That’s why it’s essential to learn about it’s value and power if you respect it and learn from it.

QUESTIONS:

I was listening to Episode 12 with Dr Keith Witt and was really intrigued about the role that shame plays in conflict and in relationship. Specifically in parenting as well as in long term partnership. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on that.
Boyfriend and I are on a break at this moment. The anger I have from my ex is so bad… shame and blame a lot, how can I handle this situation for the future?
Boyfriend has some serious issues with his family and whenever an issue arises he disconnects and becomes distant. I try to be patient and understanding but it does become hurtful. How do I handle this the best way?
What do I do when my husband gives his friend’s wife more attention than he does me?
I recently lost my 20 year relationship with my best friend as I called her out & shamed her in a loving way regarding the things she said about a new love. Her response to this was “I threw things back in her face.” She then ghosted me for 6 months until I confronted her. Turns out she can’t see, call or text me anymore. Would you say this is her out of integrity with herself and therefore blocked me and wants nothing to do with me?
My fiancé and I are in the midst of a 3-day fight. Should we keep working through it or take a break?

SHOWNOTES

The difference between guilt and shame [5:00]
Seeing shame as your ally [6:00]
When it’s ok to shame, and when it’s not [8:00]
Understanding how our emotions are giving us feedback [13:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

How To Deal With Narcissism In A Relationship – Jeff Pincus and Rachel Cahn – SC 112

Are you dealing with narcissism in your relationship? How do you really know? What are the signs and more importantly, what’s going on with you that has you with someone you are labeling as “narcissistic?” In this episode I dive into these questions and more with my friends Jeff and Rachel, both very skilled psychotherapists who understand narcissism and how it can impact your relationship. SHOWNOTES

How narcissists relate to their sense of ‘self’ differently [13:00]
Understanding how people get their narcissistic supply [17:00]
The need for an idealized self-image [20:00]
How narcissists counter-intuitively depend on everyone else [23:00]
Getting their world [29:00]
How to get through to a narcissist [32:00]
What happens when partners complain from a place of helplessness [41:00]
Being willing to lose a bad relationship [43:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO Jeff is Core Faculty of the PACT Institute, where he trains clinicians in a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy, developed by Stan Tatkin. He and his PACT co-trainer and wife, Rachel Cahn, are also the creators of Dharma Of Love, helping couples grow beyond the foundation of safety and security into greater compassion and wisdom in daily life by utilizing committed relationship as a means to develop spiritually. Jeff has worked in the mental health field for more than 25 years. In private practice in Boulder, CO he is a therapist who works exclusively with couples and provides intensives for couples from around the country. He is a much sought-after couple therapist, trainer and clinical consultant. Over the last twenty-five years, Jeff has led workshops, councils and ongoing groups for men to explore the mature masculine. Jeff has been an adjunct faculty member at Naropa University, Colorado Mountain College, a teaching assistant for the Hakomi Institute, and a guest lecturer at Colorado State University. He has also been a workshop leader at the popular Wake Up Festival put on by SoundsTrue. Rachel completed seven years of training in the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) training with Dr. Stan Tatkin (UCLA) and was invited to join the PACT Institute Core Faculty as a trainer in 2013. Since then, she has delivered the PACT Level 1 training in Boulder, Colorado for three years with her co-trainer and husband, Jeff Pincus. For more than a decade, Rachel has facilitated EMDR trainings for therapists, and spent four years as a Teaching Assistant in the Hakomi Comprehensive Training for therapists. Working with both individuals and couples, Rachel uses her strengths as a body-centered, attachment-focused therapist. A sought after clinician, teacher, and consultant, Rachel also leads consultation groups for both PACT and EMDR clinicians.

Stop Settling for Scraps in Your Relationship – SC 111

How do you know if you are settling in your relationship? What if you are having a hard time moving on even if someone has had an affair on you? I’m always surprised what people tolerate in their relationship. Your partner is your best friend, your confidant, your ally. Anything less won’t cut it. Listen in as I challenge some listener questions and ask that you do not settle for scraps in your relationship.

SHOWNOTES
QUESTIONS:

I’ve been in a relationship. We bought a home together, we’ve split up and I find myself continuing to go back and unable to let go. How do you know it’s time to work or walk away? [4:00]
My husband doesn’t want divorce and he has had an affair – but he’s neither choosing me nor choosing the affair. What should I do? [6:00]
My partner distances himself due to stress and finances for the last two years and puts the relationship on the backburner instead of finding strength in it, is that a sign I’m not being a good support? [7:00]
My teenage daughter is currently not respecting my need for time out. She knows it’s important but still having a hard time in the moment and ends up saying hurtful things. Any other tools we could use? [13:00]

When to wait in a relationship [5:00]
Your two options when your partner is having an affair [6:00]
If your partner is stressed and distances himself [7:00]
Why people settle for ‘scraps’ in relationship [8:00]
If you’re always ‘the giver’ in relationship [12:00]
Learning to soften if you’re a Type-A personality [13:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

The Healing Power of Touch – Betty Martin – SC 110

Are you using touch to just get off, or are you willing to slow down and see what the touch you give and receive is bringing? Touch is a magical force that allows the human animal in you to soften, relax, and open. In this episode erotic adventurer Betty Martin shares her experience with the healing power of touch and gives you very practical advice on how to maximize your safety and pleasure.

SHOWNOTES

Is our culture sexually jammed up? [11:00]
Where is your ‘pleasure ceiling’ and how is it impacting your relationship? [16:00]
Betty’s ‘Waking Up The Hands exercise and how to test your pleasure capacity [18:00]
Understanding the ‘Wheel of Consent’ [25:00]
The fallacy of ‘she liked it yesterday’ [29:00]
The difference between a request, an offer and an invitation [32:00]
The hidden dangers of desire-smuggling [36:00]
What to do when someone asks you what you want but you don’t know [39:00]
The 3-Minute game to understand what you and your partner want out of touch[40:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO

Betty loves teaching people how to know what they want and how to value it, trust it, and communicate it. Touch is the best way to learn those things and it is those things that make touch enjoyable.

If you would like to bring a sense of ease, confidence, presence and sensuality into all your touch (and all your being-touched), Betty is the teacher for you.

Betty has had her hands on people professionally for over 30 years. Chiropractic and other modalities, Sexological Bodywork, surrogate partner and Tantric touch. Also Contact Improv and other kinds of play.

She trains other touch professionals through her course ‘Like a Pro’ and other workshops. She is passionate about helping them learn how to assess what is most useful for their clients, and how to teach them to become fully empowered in their desires and choices. She also trains facilitators for a boundary and communication workshop called ‘Cuddle Party’.

She loves sharing her experience, and her teaching style is practical, participatory and fun.

Masculine Woman Dating a Feminine Man – SC 109

If you are a more “masculine” woman, chances are you’ll find yourself with a more “feminine” man. Is this a problem? Not at all. In fact, if you understand basic polarity principles, this can work to your advantage. Unless of course you want to keep blaming your partner. There is something simpler you can do. Listen for more info…

SHOWNOTES

QUESTION:
Can you speak to male/female polarity dynamics? Particularly when the female partner tends to have more of a masculine energy in the relationship – in terms of being type-A, taking action, wanting to get things done – while the male partner has more of a passive, laid back, feminine energy.
As the female partner with the more masculine energy, I find this dynamic really frustrating and wonder if it means I’ll be signing up for life where I will be doing most of the heavy lifting around all the practical dynamics of daily life?
I was wondering if this dynamic would be too difficult to sustain in a satisfactory way, although we are both growth-oriented, so that part is not a concern.

Why we get triggered by our opposites [3:00]
You go first (don’t wait for your partner to change) [4:00]
Learning to own what you’ve disowned for a better relationship [8:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

How to Feel Safe In Your Relationship – Bonnie Badenoch – SC 108

What is co-regulation and how do I feel safe in my relationship? In this episode my guest Bonnie Badenoch goes deep into the co-regulatory nervous system. We discuss the importance of interpersonal neurobiology and how we can regulate each other. She covers the myth and limitations of self-regulation and what we must learn instead. Bonnie is a psychotherapist and healer devoted to helping people feel safe in their own skin. We cover a lot of ground in this one, and I recommend going slow and maybe even listening twice.

SHOWNOTES

The myth of ‘self-regulation’ [13:00]
What happens when we’re co-disregulated [15:00]
How we can feel safe by using a third person [20:00]
Why co-regulation is so vital to our sense of safety and security [25:00]
If you think your partner is in their ‘left-brain’ too often, they might be experiencing this type of acute pain [36:00]
The little-known third branch of the autonomic nervous system [41:00]
How feeling helpless can mimic death in the body [46:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, LMFT is an in-the-trenches therapist, mentor, teacher, and author who has spent the last thirteen years integrating the discoveries of relational neuroscience into the art of therapy. In 2008, she co-founded the nonprofit agency, Nurturing the Heart with the Brain in Mind in Portland, Oregon to offer this work to the broad community of therapists, healthcare providers, and others interested in becoming a therapeutic presence in the world. Her conviction that wisdom about the relational brain can support healing experiences for people at every age led to the publication of Being a Brain-Wise Therapist: A Practical Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology in 2008 and The Brain-Savvy Therapist’s Workbook in 2011. In 2013, she and Susan Gantt co-edited and contributed to a new book, The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Group Psychotherapy and Group Process. Her new book in preparation is The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships. People are saying that these books fill the gap between science and practice with clarity, compassion, and heart.