One of my many relationship mentors isStan Tatkin. I’ve learned loads from him and since my wife studies and trains with him, I get a steady dose of his teachings that continue to serve my relationship. Moreover, his work has greatly informed mine and has widened and deepened how I understand long-term relationship.
Here’s Stan’s latest Ted Talk. Short and to the point with a lovely summary of the brain on relationships.
It is possible to rewire your brain in relationships and build inner strength. In fact, if you don’t work toward this, you’ll be in trouble down the road when the allostatic load catches up to you later in life. In this episode I interview Dr. Rick Hanson. He’s a passionate expert on mindfulness, the brain, neuroscience and relationships. We geek out on the intricacies of the brain but he also brings some very practical tools and insights on how we can improve our relationships by using the natural genius of our mind. Lots of notes to take on this one! Hang in there. It can get dense.
SHOWNOTES
Why Jayson was anti-marriage until age 34 [2:00]
How did Dr. Hanson get so passionate about brain science and relationships? [11:00]
A Native American story about love and hate [13:00]
Why is so difficult for couples to work their shit out? [17:30]
What are two lessons from the wiring of our ancestors’ nervous systems? [19:30]
Two practices to rewire your brain to build your inner psychological strength [22:00]
How to stop the negativity train of our mind when we’re already triggered [25:00]
Tips for developing ourselves before we get into a fight with our partners [32:30]
What happens in our brains when we are triggered by our partner? [46:00]
How being chronically frustrated, lonely, let down, disconnected impacts the brain and body. [51:30]
The ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions [60:00]
A 10-day challenge to the listener on how to radically shift the dynamic in your relationship. [65:00]
Since getting married, I don’t think my wife and I have had a major blow-out fight because we have the skills and we practice them. Now when Ellen and I fight, argue or disagree, we are efficient with our challenges, triggers, and disagreements because we learned how.
So, if you are afraid of conflict or avoid it, you’re screwed until you face this fundamental fear.
My wife Ellen and I put together these 10 rules or agreements you can get in place as “preventative care” in your relationship. (more…)
Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group.
Also check out the blog post on the same subject here.
SHOWNOTES
Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30]
The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15]
The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30]
How to not get cheated on again. [10:15]
The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00]
Chris and Billy Jo are two podcast listeners who won a chance to be interviewed and laser coached by me on the podcast. As you listen, pay close attention to their dynamic, their openness to feedback and most importantly a commitment to growing individually and as a couple. If you got value from this episode format, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group and I’ll do more!
SHOWNOTES
How did Chris & Billiejo meet and how long have they been together? [8:00]
When did they know it was the right time to tell the kids about their relationship? [11:15]
Their advice for couples on how to introduce your kids to your new dating partner? [13:30]
How has The Smart Couple Podcast helped Chris & Billiejo in their relationship? [15:30]
The big lesson that Billiejo learned from a big fight with Chris [19:00]
Jayson gives his laser coaching on how to move beyond their repeating patterns. [20:15]
The best reframe to heal from blame and resentment with an ex. [24:00]
What to do to move beyond infidelity. [28:30]
Jayson gives an action step to heal and process blame. [34:00]
Congratulations to our contest winners from Episode 64!
Lauren L. – 1 Ticket Live Relationship School Weekend
Denise F. & John F. – Indestructible Partnerships
Brandy – One 45 minute coaching session with Jayson
