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How To Ask Your Partner For More Sex – SC 115

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Is your sex drive different than your partner? This can lead to a lot of challenges. Unless, you keep things simple, lead with vulnerability and speak your needs. Listen here for more.

QUESTION:

Hi Jayson, this is Lillian, New Orleans. I’m reaching out to you today because I notice I’m having a really hard time asking for sex from my wife. We have a history of having kind of a wide libido gap and in recent years that’s smoothed out – we’re more compatible there now than we’ve been before – but I find myself in situations where if we’re away from each other for a long time, like say her work schedule is too loaded or something, I end up feeling kind of estranged from her and there’s some part of me that feels like connecting physically and even sexually would be grounding for me in some way. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but I do know that even if that’s not a thing, I’m concerned about my inability to ask. I’m wondering if you have anything to say about it?
Thankyou for your hard work, thanks Jayson.

SHOWNOTES

  • If you’re scared to ask your partner for sex [2:00]
  • How ‘leading with vulnerability’ can help open the dialogue [4:00]
  • Why some couples go years without sex [7:00]

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How to Feel More Connected – Ellen & Jayson – SC 114

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SHOWNOTES

This week, we have a question from a listener named Mandy on connection. Here’s her question…

Feeling connected. First of all, can we explore the meaning of that in depth? To me it’s hard to define and hard to ask for and hard to get though my partner really tries. It’s a feeling I get that my partner and I are connected. lol. Not helping. We’re connected when we’re both open to one another, present, affectionate, compassionate. Is it too much or unrealistic to want the goal to be in that heart centered connected space “all” the time? Not literally all the time but you know, like a majority. I could get that feeling from a 2 minute interaction everyday I think.
That doesn’t seem unrealistic but please tell me if it is. Seems like for a lot of couples men get connected through sex and women can feel connected through sex but prefer to feel connected before being sexually intimate. That’s me. Why is that? How to handle when neither is getting what they need? Sex or heart connection. How can I go about being down for sex without a heart connection. How could a man move toward being more heart connected without sex? How do I explain my need to someone who this is all brand new to?”

  • Is it unrealistic to want to feel connected all the time? [6:00]
  • When life stress gets in the way of your connection at home [11:00]
  • Why ‘islands’ need more connection than you might think [18:00]
  • Learning how to reconnect after you lose connection [21:00]
  • What you can learn from sports teams and musicians about connection[27:00]

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Shame In Your Relationship – SC 113

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Shame is a lot more common in a relationship than you think. That’s why it’s essential to learn about it’s value and power if you respect it and learn from it.

QUESTIONS:

  • I was listening to Episode 12 with Dr Keith Witt and was really intrigued about the role that shame plays in conflict and in relationship. Specifically in parenting as well as in long term partnership. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on that.
  • Boyfriend and I are on a break at this moment. The anger I have from my ex is so bad… shame and blame a lot, how can I handle this situation for the future? 
  • Boyfriend has some serious issues with his family and whenever an issue arises he disconnects and becomes distant. I try to be patient and understanding but it does become hurtful.  How do I handle this the best way?
  • What do I do when my husband gives his friend’s wife more attention than he does me?
  • I recently lost my 20 year relationship with my best friend as I called her out & shamed her in a loving way regarding the things she said about a new love. Her response to this was “I threw things back in her face.”  She then ghosted me for 6 months until I confronted her. Turns out she can’t see, call or text me anymore.  Would you say this is her out of integrity with herself and therefore blocked me and wants nothing to do with me? 
  • My fiancé and I are in the midst of a 3-day fight. Should we keep working through it or take a break?

SHOWNOTES

  • The difference between guilt and shame [5:00]
  • Seeing shame as your ally [6:00]
  • When it’s ok to shame, and when it’s not [8:00]
  • Understanding how our emotions are giving us feedback [13:00]

 

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How To Deal With Narcissism In A Relationship – Jeff Pincus and Rachel Cahn – SC 112

Apple Podcast buttonGoogle Podcast button Are you dealing with narcissism in your relationship? How do you really know? What are the signs and more importantly, what’s going on with you that has you with someone you are labeling as “narcissistic?” In this episode I dive into these questions and more with my friends Jeff and Rachel, both very skilled psychotherapists who understand narcissism and how it can impact your relationship. SHOWNOTES

  • How narcissists relate to their sense of ‘self’ differently [13:00]
  • Understanding how people get their narcissistic supply [17:00]
  • The need for an idealized self-image [20:00]
  • How narcissists counter-intuitively depend on everyone else [23:00]
  • Getting their world [29:00]
  • How to get through to a narcissist [32:00]
  • What happens when partners complain from a place of helplessness [41:00]
  • Being willing to lose a bad relationship [43:00]

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GUEST BIO Jeff_RachelJeff is Core Faculty of the PACT Institute, where he trains clinicians in a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy, developed by Stan Tatkin. He and his PACT co-trainer and wife, Rachel Cahn, are also the creators of Dharma Of Love, helping couples grow beyond the foundation of safety and security into greater compassion and wisdom in daily life by utilizing committed relationship as a means to develop spiritually. Jeff has worked in the mental health field for more than 25 years. In private practice in Boulder, CO he is a therapist who works exclusively with couples and provides intensives for couples from around the country. He is a much sought-after couple therapist, trainer and clinical consultant.  Over the last twenty-five years, Jeff has led workshops, councils and ongoing groups for men to explore the mature masculine. Jeff has been an adjunct faculty member at Naropa University, Colorado Mountain College, a teaching assistant for the Hakomi Institute, and a guest lecturer at Colorado State University. He has also been a workshop leader at the popular Wake Up Festival put on by SoundsTrue. Rachel completed seven years of training in the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) training with Dr. Stan Tatkin (UCLA) and was invited to join the PACT Institute Core Faculty as a trainer in 2013. Since then, she has delivered the PACT Level 1 training in Boulder, Colorado for three years with her co-trainer and husband, Jeff Pincus.  For more than a decade, Rachel has facilitated EMDR trainings for therapists, and spent four years as a Teaching Assistant in the Hakomi Comprehensive Training for therapists. Working with both individuals and couples, Rachel uses her strengths as a body-centered, attachment-focused therapist. A sought after clinician, teacher, and consultant, Rachel also leads consultation groups for both PACT and EMDR clinicians.

Stop Settling for Scraps in Your Relationship – SC 111

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How do you know if you are settling in your relationship? What if you are having a hard time moving on even if someone has had an affair on you? I’m always surprised what people tolerate in their relationship. Your partner is your best friend, your confidant, your ally. Anything less won’t cut it. Listen in as I challenge some listener questions and ask that you do not settle for scraps in your relationship.


SHOWNOTES
QUESTIONS:

  • I’ve been in a relationship. We bought a home together, we’ve split up and I find myself continuing to go back and unable to let go.  How do you know it’s time to work or walk away? [4:00]
  •  My husband doesn’t want divorce and he has had an affair – but he’s neither choosing me nor choosing the affair. What should I do? [6:00]
  • My partner distances himself due to stress and finances for the last two years and puts the relationship on the backburner instead of finding strength in it, is that a sign I’m not being a good support? [7:00]
  • My teenage daughter is currently not respecting my need for time out. She knows it’s important but still having a hard time in the moment and ends up saying hurtful things. Any other tools we could use? [13:00]
  • When to wait in a relationship [5:00]
  •  Your two options when your partner is having an affair [6:00]
  • If your partner is stressed and distances himself [7:00]
  • Why people settle for ‘scraps’ in relationship [8:00]
  • If you’re always ‘the giver’ in relationship [12:00]
  • Learning to soften if you’re a Type-A personality [13:00]

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