Relationship pain has a very clear purpose. If you are hip to it, you’ll thrive in relationships. If you are uneducated here, you’ll run away and play the victim. Direct and to the point, I suggest a very important daily practice for you to strengthen your mindset about long-term partnership. Pain hurts indeed. And, what if pain was your ally in disguise?
SHOWNOTES
Your only two choices you have about your relationship pain [4:30]
What is one of the harshest versions of relational pain [6:00]
The first thing to NOT do when in relationship pain. [11:00]
The good news about pain and stress [15:45]
What happens when you just bounce from relationship to relationship. [17:00]
The link between your emotional pain and your numbing habits. [21:45]
What makes someone really unattractive. [25:00]
Relationship Pain Daily Practice
I have two choices with my relationship pain:
1. Use it to make me weaker by whining, complaining, and blaming others (or myself).
2. Use it to make me stronger by seeing it as my ally to master the lesson it’s bringing me.
One of the most fundamental skills we need to navigate life’s challenges is not formally taught to us. We learn through the school of hard knocks and most of us get some pretty big scars. These scars don’t heal unless you use the very best methods to become stronger. Join me here as I invite you into something very special. Something that could impact us well beyond our life.
SHOWNOTES
The flawed thinking behind simply wanting a great relationship. [3:00]
What could have benefited Jayson had he taken a relationship class as a kid. [4:00]
How wanting to be liked is impacting children’s integrity with themselves. [5:45]
Jayson’s puts his stake in the ground. [9:15]
The big flaw in the current school system. [11:00]
Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you.
SHOWNOTES
How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45]
What is “secure functioning”? [13:00]
How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45]
What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30]
Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00]
What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30]
How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for a secure functioning model? [32:30]
When dating, here’s one thing you MUST do. [35:00]
What is the allostatic load and how does it impact both your body and relationships? [38:00]
The antidote to when a relationship goes on auto-pilot. [47:00]
Island, Anchor, Wave and why they matter in your relationship. [48:00]
The myth of “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else”. [52:00]
Does your therapist also need to be in a thriving partnership [55:00]
Why does Stan say that “dating lasts forever”? [56:30]
Stan’s big tip on how couples can stimulate their marriage on a daily basis [58:00]
[“We are hurt by people and we are healed by people. — Stan Tatkin”]
Guest Bio
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method-called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy)-draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.
Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach.
Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling Wired For Love and Wired For Dating published by New Harbinger. StanTatkin.com
Does having children ruin your marriage? The stats are against most of you who get married and choose children. But why is this, and what can you and your spouse do about it? Find out this and so much more as Jayson & Ellen use their own story as another example of what’s possible during the hardest of times.
SHOWNOTES
A powerful definition of a mature person. [2:20]
The gloomy article on parenting that got Ellen and Jayson fired up. [6:15]
The negative view of marriage. [7:50]
How women are impacted after having a baby. [9:20]
The defining moment that Ellen remembers, but Jayson blocked out. [11:30]
The biggest factor that will impact your overall happiness in life [17:30]
What Ellen said to Jayson that hit him in the gut like a truck and woke him up big time. [21:45]
Ellen shares what Jayson does consistently that helps her show up more fully in their marriage and their family. [24:45]
An important perspective that can help you deliver your truth more effectively. [28:00]
