One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. What is going on here and how do you deal with a partner who needs a lot or one who is distancing. In the first of our two part series, Ellen and I help the pursuers (connectors) understand and deal with your distancing partner. SHOWNOTES
What is the pursuer/distancer dynamic? [10:30]
What’s going on with the distancer when they are asking for time and space? [12:30]
What 2 things do you need to balance when dealing with someone who is distancing. [17:30]
The single focus trap that pursuers can fall into. [21:30]
How time agreements can make re-connecting easier. [25:30]
The positive side of being someone who is a distancer? [26:30]
Quick review of the 5 tips [28:00]
How this dynamic can be different in a marriage vs dating. [29:00]
The grass is greener with that other person! I used to think this quietly in my mind all the time, no matter who I was with. In this episode, I share my personal drama with this mentality and what it’s really about. Not only that, I offer something to help you get through it. It might just make you more likely to commit to the one you’re with.
SHOWNOTES
Jayson shares his personal story about leaving relationships when the going got tough. [8:45]
The kinds of partners who will more likely have a “grass is greener” mentality. [11:00]
How closeness and space impact ambivalence. [13:00]
Will a new partner solve the current problem or bad feelings I’m having? [16:15]
Jayson’s recommendation if you’re wanting to jump from relationship to relationship. [18:00]
When the grass really is greener over there and it might be time to exit. [21:15]
It’s really normal to experience jealousy, depression, anger, intense attraction and so much more when you find yourself in a good relationship. Our relationships trigger the deepest of human emotions and experiences. In this episode, I answer some fun, very painful, and challenging questions from you the listener. Notice how all of these questions may bring up stuff from your past or present relationship and see if you can find the nugget in each question that you can learn something from.
SHOWNOTES
What’s really happening when someone says “you make me feel X”. [6:45]
Is it a mistake to stay with my husband who is a functioning alcoholic? [9:30]
How to deal with premature ejaculation after you’re married? [12:15]
One factor that will guarantee your relationship is doomed. [15:30]
How to get your boyfriend to talk more when all he wants is occasional texting? [16:30]
Can a guy be emotionally mature if he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings five months into a relationship? [18:15]
When a partner struggles with depression, how do deal with a big transition when moving to a new country? [21:45]
A partner goes MIA after his mother dies, does this mean the relationship over? [25:45]
Is there a limit to being too open and honest with your partner? [30:30]
Jealousy when your boyfriend has a lot of interaction with other women on Facebook? [34:00]
The best way to eliminate anger? [37:00]
Best approach for a couple that is going to be long-distance for two years? [40:30]
Personality disorders and loving yourself? [42:45]
How to regain trust when a partner refuses to open up? [47:15]
It is possible to rewire your brain in relationships and build inner strength. In fact, if you don’t work toward this, you’ll be in trouble down the road when the allostatic load catches up to you later in life. In this episode I interview Dr. Rick Hanson. He’s a passionate expert on mindfulness, the brain, neuroscience and relationships. We geek out on the intricacies of the brain but he also brings some very practical tools and insights on how we can improve our relationships by using the natural genius of our mind. Lots of notes to take on this one! Hang in there. It can get dense.
SHOWNOTES
Why Jayson was anti-marriage until age 34 [2:00]
How did Dr. Hanson get so passionate about brain science and relationships? [11:00]
A Native American story about love and hate [13:00]
Why is so difficult for couples to work their shit out? [17:30]
What are two lessons from the wiring of our ancestors’ nervous systems? [19:30]
Two practices to rewire your brain to build your inner psychological strength [22:00]
How to stop the negativity train of our mind when we’re already triggered [25:00]
Tips for developing ourselves before we get into a fight with our partners [32:30]
What happens in our brains when we are triggered by our partner? [46:00]
How being chronically frustrated, lonely, let down, disconnected impacts the brain and body. [51:30]
The ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions [60:00]
A 10-day challenge to the listener on how to radically shift the dynamic in your relationship. [65:00]
Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group.
Also check out the blog post on the same subject here.
SHOWNOTES
Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30]
The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15]
The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30]
How to not get cheated on again. [10:15]
The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00]
One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. What is going on here and how do you deal with a partner who needs a lot or one who is distancing. In the first of our two part series, Ellen and I help the pursuers (connectors) understand and deal with your distancing partner. SHOWNOTES
