Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you.
SHOWNOTES
How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45]
What is “secure functioning”? [13:00]
How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45]
What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30]
Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00]
What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30]
How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for a secure functioning model? [32:30]
When dating, here’s one thing you MUST do. [35:00]
What is the allostatic load and how does it impact both your body and relationships? [38:00]
The antidote to when a relationship goes on auto-pilot. [47:00]
Island, Anchor, Wave and why they matter in your relationship. [48:00]
The myth of “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else”. [52:00]
Does your therapist also need to be in a thriving partnership [55:00]
Why does Stan say that “dating lasts forever”? [56:30]
Stan’s big tip on how couples can stimulate their marriage on a daily basis [58:00]
[“We are hurt by people and we are healed by people. — Stan Tatkin”]
Guest Bio
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method-called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy)-draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.
Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach.
Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling Wired For Love and Wired For Dating published by New Harbinger. StanTatkin.com
Does having children ruin your marriage? The stats are against most of you who get married and choose children. But why is this, and what can you and your spouse do about it? Find out this and so much more as Jayson & Ellen use their own story as another example of what’s possible during the hardest of times.
SHOWNOTES
A powerful definition of a mature person. [2:20]
The gloomy article on parenting that got Ellen and Jayson fired up. [6:15]
The negative view of marriage. [7:50]
How women are impacted after having a baby. [9:20]
The defining moment that Ellen remembers, but Jayson blocked out. [11:30]
The biggest factor that will impact your overall happiness in life [17:30]
What Ellen said to Jayson that hit him in the gut like a truck and woke him up big time. [21:45]
Ellen shares what Jayson does consistently that helps her show up more fully in their marriage and their family. [24:45]
An important perspective that can help you deliver your truth more effectively. [28:00]
In this episode, I bring on my better half, my wife to rock it out with me. We had fun exploring the early stages of our relationship and what had us “choose” each other. There are some funny and not so funny shares in this one. I’m grateful Ellen is joining us here and here’s to more to come from the two of us.
SHOWNOTES
How did Jayson and Ellen first meet? [9:07]
What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [14:30]
What had Ellen ask Jayson out? [15:05]
Shitty advice Jayson got from a therapist and an astrologer. [18:45]
How did Jayson overcome his “grass is always greener” pattern? [24:40]
One of Jayson’s best accomplishments of his life. [28:00]
The simple yet powerful distinction that Ellen did that allowed Jayson to choose to commit. [30:15]
How do you know if your partner is “The One”? [33:45]
A huge thing that must happen before you should even consider marriage. [35:00]
In this episode, a listener asks about making your partner wrong and how to deal with them when you have very differing values. It’s a common challenge that some couples “wake up” to after being together a few years. And, it’s super tricky if you have kids and need to find common ground.
SHOWNOTES
The difference between making a partner wrong to avoid intimacy and doing it because of different values? [1:37]
How to parent when your parenting values are different? [3:40]
What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [5:10]
In this short episode, I cover why men are so locked up relationally and 3 steps to help a guy transform this so that, you both can have a great relationship.
SHOWNOTES
What is at the core of men’s challenges in modern day. [3:20]
Some of the big pain points for men in relationships. [4:45]
What is the “boy code”? [5:15]
How Jayson struggled in relationships. [6:30]
Do men really know how to listen? [8:15]
Why shouldn’t believe when your man says he’s just “in a bad mood.” [12:00]
The missing step after getting good feedback. [15:05]
