I’ve tended towards the avoidant type in relationships, and not the type that goes through many surface level relationships. I was the type that avoided relationships all together, because there was so much fear underneath. It was easy for me to lose my sense of self in relationships, so I learned to just keep others out. I was hyper-independent, but under the surface longed for connection. My partner came into my life 10 years ago and it felt like I was being swept off my feet. The thing is, once we moved through the courtship and infatuation phase my avoidant tendencies resurfaced. We got stuck in the challenge phase for quite some time as I oscillated between ambivalence, projecting the lack of emotional intimacy onto him, and complacency, where I didn’t communicate my needs or feelings.
In January 2022 my mom died and then two months later I was laid off from my part-time job. I had pulled back from my coaching business to help care for my mom and after her death, couldn’t see the path forward anymore. During that time of loss, I experienced my unhealed relational patterns surface and intensify. My relational ambivalence became so loud and I finally had to admit that I’d still been prioritizing self-development and self-healing over relationship. I could feel the truth in Jayson’s statement about relationship being the ultimate path for healing and growth. I was grieving not getting the chance for my mom and I to have the type of relationship I’d wanted, and I desired to take responsibility going forward to get better at cultivating the connections I longed for.
Through the relationship school I started turning more towards conflict, in a way where I was owning my needs and working through repair when I messed up. I have experienced a deeper sense of security and emotional intimacy in my relationship each time we repair. As I put both feet into the relationship and started working as a team, I initially experienced more anxiety and got to continue to deepen with my partner. I have seen myself work through what I call my “avoidant wave” more quickly, each time resulting in deeper connection.
I took my first coach training in 2016 and have been on the path of educating and learning ever since. My studies began in the realm of disordered eating and have grown to include somatics, parts work, MindBody therapy techniques, nervous system and relationships. I help sensitive humans learn to tend to their inner experience, so they can have a more compassionate relationship with themselves and fulfilling relationships with others. If what I share resonates, click the button below to work with me.