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Lame Advice: Be Happy With Yourself First, Before A Relationship

You’ve heard it over and over, again and again: 

“You have to love yourself before someone else will love you…” or 

“Only when you can fully accept yourself will another person be able to…” or 

“After I’m happy with myself, then I’ll be ready for a romantic relationship…”

And it’s simply NOT true! In fact, it’s total bullshit. Here’s why:

You can watch the full video here and listen to the podcast. to find out more.

While it’s important to like who we are, so that others can like us, it’s unrealistic to love ourselves in order for another person to love us.

In fact, we humans only learn how to like or love ourselves through relationship. A baby doesn’t come into the world loving itself. It learns and becomes a self through attachment with another human being. 

So, reaching the mountain top of self-love is a fantasy! This common new age myth will set you up to be forever single because you’re a work in progress for the rest of your life. There is no summit to self-love. Self-love is an evolving process for the rest of your life. How? Because anytime you are triggered by another human being, that is the exact spot you are not loving yourself. That’s why you’re so triggered! 

Everyone has challenges with self-love – everyone. And anyone who doesn’t or says they don’t is likely fooling themselves, in denial, or unconscious to this reality. Relationships actually help you see where you lack self-love so that you can work on it. That’s part of the whole idea and the point.

So the person who you choose to be in an intimate, loving relationship with actually shows you (indirectly of course) how to love yourself – reflecting the places you can’t clearly see. 

The “love yourself first” message is a setup, even though it’s been perpetuated in new age psychology circles for years. It (falsely) suggests that there’s a finish line or some attainable goal you have to meet before you’re worthy to receive love – or be in a relationship – and that once you reach that goal, or get in that relationship, you’re done. Nothing could be farther from the truth. You do not need to reach a certain point before deserving to be loved or cared for. Every version and part of you deserves to be loved.

If we all waited until we felt proficient at self-love or being “happy” before entering into a romantic relationship, we’d be alone forever. Because everyone has wounds and disowned parts that they’re never going to be totally okay with, and it’s actually through relationship where another person loving you can be a huge boon to revealing and healing those parts.

Relationship actually moves self-love faster along its path because it confronts the places you don’t love yourself or care about yourself or doubt yourself or have disowned in yourself.

This is not to say that you don’t want to address your issues or the stuff that comes up around self-worth BEFORE you get into a new relationship. By all means, attend to those places in yourself. As long as you remember that self-love is a continuum not a fixed state. It’s totally natural that sometimes you will feel more lovable than others or more challenged than others. So you can relax, knowing that it’s a journey and a practice, learning to ride the waves as they come, and eventually embrace the vast ocean that is you.

So please, don’t subscribe to this tired advice of getting to “happy” before being in a relationship. You’re worthy of love right now.

 

Learn more about how relationships really work by joining The Relationship School’s® next Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships class, and send an email to [email protected] to schedule time to talk with one of our Student Growth Liaisons. Classes start soon! OR just download our Relationship Scorecard and see how well, or poorly, you do relationship. 

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Photo credit: Ashim D’Silva, Unsplash

You might also like: The New Age Bullshit Of Just Love Yourself

Different Needs In A Relationship

Do you know what your own needs are? What your partner’s needs are? Are they in conflict or do you honor each other’s needs? Wait. Let’s back up. Needs? I have needs? Yes you do! You’d be surprised how many couples go on for years in their relationship oblivious to their own needs and annoyed that their partner has needs or wishing their partner had a need. They struggle, frustrate, stagnate, and remain unfulfilled. Is this you? Or your relationship? Knowing and expressing your needs to each other is a bottom line item for a successful relationship, and ultimately a way to make sure you’re on the same page.  If you don’t understand needs, the more likely you are to fight and build resentments that ultimately undermine, or even end, your relationship. If you want to watch this entire video or listen to this podcast episode on needs, click here. Remember: We all have needs and we are all needy. Yes! (Say it out loud: “I’m needy!”) Needs are valid, and we get to ask for them. None of us need too much; we need exactly what we need. And If you leave your needs out or your relationship, you’re leaving a valuable and important part of yourself behind. You have to be willing to stand up for your needs AND communicate them to your partner. If it feels difficult or brings up embarrassment or shame, you have some learning to do here. So where do you start? The first step is to get clear on your needs. The easiest place to start is wherever you have a hope, wish, or expectation. Next reframe those as needs and write them down as such. Next, you might try on that you have a few needs that are not negotiable. These are needs that if not met, are deal breakers. Determine which needs require your partner’s participation. Next, connect with them around your needs. “Honey, turns out I have some needs. Can we talk?” Once you are clear for yourself, share with your partner in a way that’s direct while also non-threatening and caring. By asking your partner to meet your needs you’re giving them an opportunity to show up for you. And if they truly care about you, they will be willing to try because they know it benefits “us”. When you share your needs with your partner, it becomes a way to care for and help each other. If both of you are game to meet each other’s needs, even if they are different needs, the relationship can, and will, succeed! On the other hand, if one of you is unwilling, or you discover that your needs are too different, the relationship may not work. That’s really good to know too! And it’s OK. Even though it’s not easy, you can move on, and find a new partner, someone who is on board with your needs. Bottom line? If you have different needs in your relationship and you are willing to meet them, it can be a huge gift to your connection. It helps you both feel safe – on a nervous system level. When you feel safe or can help your partner feel safe, everything goes better, and you can accomplish more! So turn that frown upside down. Take the risk. Speak up. And earn a fulfilling relationship, full of needs, together.    For a deeper dive into needs and how to navigate them with your partner, enroll in the next class of The Relationship School’s® Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships and send us an email at [email protected] to schedule a time to talk with one of our Student Growth Liaisons. Classes start later this month! ___________ Photo credit The Joneses, Flickr

What To Do If Your Partner Says They Don’t Have Any Issues

Are you wondering what to do if your partner says they don’t have any issues? Here’s the answer:

Run!

Seriously!

When you think about the person who says they don’t have issues, can you really imagine being with them? Can you envision a fulfilling relationship with them? No way! In fact, it’s an obvious sign that they haven’t looked in the mirror and can’t take personal responsibility, that they aren’t willing to deal with their issues, or themselves.

Every person on this planet has issues.

The “no issue” card is an ultimate recipe for relationship disaster. If your partner says they don’t have any issues or won’t acknowledge that they have stuff to deal with, imagine how this is going to impact your relationship, especially over time. How will they be prepared to address any issues that come up between you?

Simple… they won’t…

…and it will be impossible to grow together because they have nothing to learn.

Having issues shows you the way:

And if you’re the person looking for a partner who doesn’t have issues, good luck. It’s a fantasy! They don’t exist! Even if you believe it initially, inevitably things will surface. The skeletons come out of the closet and the shit will hit the fan. Resentment builds. Blame happens. Then what?

Knowing and identifying what your issues are is absolutely necessary for your own growth and development. In a relationship you want your partner to know about your issues so you can work on them. Taking responsibility and working on your issues is what creates a good relationship.

So get your issues out in the open. Having issues in relationship IS the path. When two people can acknowledge their issues and are willing to dive into dealing with them, they not only gain confidence in themselves, but also learn how to accept and embrace each other. They grow, learn, and heal – together.

Remember: You have issues. I have issues. We’ve all have issues! Issues get you to the next level – in yourself and in your relationship. Claim your issues. Own them and get on board with them. They are here to serve you in your journey to becoming yourself – and to earning the awesome relationship you dream of.

 

Learn how to face your issues by signing up for The Relationship School’s® Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships 9-month program and send us an email at [email protected] to schedule a time to talk with one of our Student Growth Liaisons.

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Photo credit: Angela Wolz, Unsplash

The Cheapest (But Most Valuable) Gift You Can Give Someone This Holiday Season

Tight on money?

No problem. Don’t make an excuse to not give this to someone…

If you are caught up in the stress of “everything you have to do” and feeling the added pressure to shop and buy presents for everyone, then listen up.

I get it. I don’t want to give a bunch of bullshit “presents” that people don’t really need.

Or maybe you are smart enough to know that it’s out of integrity to give material things, but you still feel a nagging “should” hanging over your head.

Try this instead…

What if you gave the people you care about in your life the most meaningful gift of all, something they could really use, and it didn’t cost a dime?

That’s right!

Give the gift everyone can use (and afford) this holiday season: appreciation and acknowledgment.

Think about it. What do you value most about your best friend, your husband or wife, your kids? Is there a way your family or co-workers contribute to your life? Remember people need to be loved and feel seen, acknowledged, and appreciated – for who they are. This is a core human need of ours.

And it’s within your reach to deliver this by simply and genuinely letting the people who matter to you know what they and your relationship with them provide – what they bring to your life.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • What do I appreciate about this person?
  • How have they impacted my life?
  • Why do I want and value them in my life?

Set context by letting this person know that you’d like five minutes of their time.

Once they agree, sit down, look them right in the eyeball and tell them how much they mean to you. This may feel vulnerable, even a little risky or scary. That’s ok. Lead with that, share how you’re feeling. Something like “Hey, this is a little vulnerable for me to say directly to you…

Next go ahead and give them an appreciation:

  • What I appreciate about you is…
  • What I value about our relationship is…
  • What I love about you is…
  • Something about you that inspires me is… 
  • Having you in my life has done X and Y for me and…without you and your help I would be Z.

Try to cut through the superficial stuff and share the deeper stuff. Maybe add in something they did for you last year or 10 years ago and how it impacted you.

And see how they respond, how they receive your gift.

Offering an appreciation is a way to honor someone significant in your life. It’s nurturing to them, to you, and to your relationship. It’s a way to connect to your heart and share yourself with someone else by essentially saying, “Thank you for being you.”

So, if you’re considering gifting someone you love this holiday season, give appreciation, the priceless gift of your care and recognition. And watch what happens!

Not sure how to do this? Or are you too caught up in the relationship drama to appreciate anyone, including yourself? Then try investing some time in yourself and watch The Relationship School’s® free web series. Click here to register.

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Photo credit: Lotte Meijer, Unsplash

How Some Men Show Their Love To A Woman

The most essential human need (after the basic survival needs) is to be loved – to feel loved and accepted as we are. So many people go on for years wanting love and not knowing how to get it or advocate for it. They end up feeling perpetually frustrated, unloved, and unfulfilled. There is another way…

Do you actually know what you need from your partner to feel loved?

Do you speak up and ask for it?

Or do you keep hoping your partner will somehow figure it out or change or express love like you do?

Don’t do this!

You will only frustrate more and create tension when what you really want is connection.

Instead, be proactive. Learn. Explore. Inquire. And share.

When it comes to feeling loved you might be speaking different languages.

Did you watch the short video? Are you this man? Do you show love this way?

Or, is this your man? If so, he’s probably showing his love in the way that he learned through his conditioning and upbringing. We all do this. We make choices based on our values and preferences largely influenced by the way we were raised. 

And when you partner with someone, you join your values with theirs. This is where things can get tricky (and sticky).

One of you values work, while the other values connection. One of you expresses love by doing things and the other through touch and conversation. You’re speaking different languages! Simple right?

But painful when you forget this.

This inability to communicate in each other’s values causes you to feel missed, misunderstood, uncared for, and unloved. And if you cannot find a way to learn each other’s values you will remain caught in a struggle.

So what can you do? Acknowledge and advocate.

Take off your blinders of blame, resentment, or judgment and start to see how your partner shows his love. It may be different from your way. Be curious. Get to know what matters to your guy and what love looks like in his language. See if you can acknowledge him and understand what he cares about and how that translates into his expression of love – for you.

At the same time get clear about what works for you. Own it. Communicate that to your partner to educate him about your way and your needs. If you want more emotional connection from him, teach him about why that matters to you and celebrate him when he’s offering it.

This may feel incredibly uncomfortable. Growth often is.

Be willing to get vulnerable. Be willing to speak up for what works for you. Let yourself be seen and known in this way.

Remember that in a mutual relationship, both of you are invested in learning how to love each other as best as you can. This not only strengthens the relationship, it creates the kind of safety where feelings of being accepted and loved can blossom.

As you get to know each other’s values and language, the conversation and relationship can deepen. And you can actually feel loved in a way that speaks to you!

Still not sure what to do? Join The Relationship School® to learn how to deal with your differences.

If You Have A Story That You’ll Never Find The One…

Are you telling yourself this story?

Do you believe:

“All the good ones are taken.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“No one really cares.”

“I’ll always be alone.”

And then wonder why it keeps happening…

Staying attached to this story keeps you in a victim mindset, making excuses about why things aren’t better in your life, why you are alone and can’t find someone.

If you get stuck in the blame or limiting beliefs, or invest here, you will keep playing out this story in your relationships, literally bringing it to life and even using it as a way to “prove” that what you believe is true.

Ouch! Sounds painful, right?

The good news is that you can use this pain to actually grow.

Bestselling author and love teacher, Katherine Woodward Thomas (who wrote “Calling in the One“) suggests that we have a choice: to keep repeating patterns and stories or get conscious and intentional to learn another way.

How do you learn another way?

As Katherine suggests, wake up to the narrative, challenge your view, and get intentional!

Whatever happened back then, happened. You can do NOTHING about it now. What happens moving forward, however, is something you can do something about.

You don’t have to keep investing in that old story (even if you feel like you do).

Dig deeper. Challenge yourself to find the places where your story is not true or the whole truth. Instead of only seeing how it hurt you (victim), ask yourself:

  • How did this help me become who I am today?
  • What did it teach me back then and now?
  • What would my life look like if this hadn’t happened? 

Be careful of copping out and making excuses like “It did nothing for me.”

See if you can slowly retell your story from a different perspective. Where are you still enslaved to that old story? Can you reframe the view of pain into wisdom gained from the experience? 

As you withdraw your investment from the former account and start putting it into one based on inquiry and intention you literally make room for the story to change. This shift in mindset is essential to free yourself from limiting beliefs. And then you can actually use your mind as a tool! Set conscious intentions. Make different investments. Cultivate new resources.

Sound possible?

Taking this kind of personal responsibility is a way to “grow yourself up”, to become the person you want to be, and to have the fulfilling relationship you want to have! That’s the true payoff.

Still need help with this process? Hire a Relationship School Coach to help you move out of that old story and into a place of empowerment and possibility.