Jayson, Author at The Relationship School®

How Some Men Show Their Love To A Woman

The most essential human need (after the basic survival needs) is to be loved – to feel loved and accepted as we are. So many people go on for years wanting love and not knowing how to get it or advocate for it. They end up feeling perpetually frustrated, unloved, and unfulfilled. There is another way…

Do you actually know what you need from your partner to feel loved?

Do you speak up and ask for it?

Or do you keep hoping your partner will somehow figure it out or change or express love like you do?

Don’t do this!

You will only frustrate more and create tension when what you really want is connection.

Instead, be proactive. Learn. Explore. Inquire. And share.

When it comes to feeling loved you might be speaking different languages.

Did you watch the short video? Are you this man? Do you show love this way?

Or, is this your man? If so, he’s probably showing his love in the way that he learned through his conditioning and upbringing. We all do this. We make choices based on our values and preferences largely influenced by the way we were raised.

And when you partner with someone, you join your values with theirs. This is where things can get tricky (and sticky).

One of you values work, while the other values connection. One of you expresses love by doing things and the other through touch and conversation. You’re speaking different languages! Simple right?

But painful when you forget this.

This inability to communicate in each other’s values causes you to feel missed, misunderstood, uncared for, and unloved. And if you cannot find a way to learn each other’s values you will remain caught in a struggle.

So what can you do? Acknowledge and advocate.

Take off your blinders of blame, resentment, or judgment and start to see how your partner shows his love. It may be different from your way. Be curious. Get to know what matters to your guy and what love looks like in his language. See if you can acknowledge him and understand what he cares about and how that translates into his expression of love – for you.

At the same time get clear about what works for you. Own it. Communicate that to your partner to educate him about your way and your needs. If you want more emotional connection from him, teach him about why that matters to you and celebrate him when he’s offering it.

This may feel incredibly uncomfortable. Growth often is.

Be willing to get vulnerable. Be willing to speak up for what works for you. Let yourself be seen and known in this way.

Remember that in a mutual relationship, both of you are invested in learning how to love each other as best as you can. This not only strengthens the relationship, it creates the kind of safety where feelings of being accepted and loved can blossom.

As you get to know each other’s values and language, the conversation and relationship can deepen. And you can actually feel loved in a way that speaks to you!

Still not sure what to do? Join The Relationship School® to learn how to deal with your differences.

Embracing Gender Differences & Hormones – John Gray – SC 175

According to John Gray, women are embracing their masculine side and men their feminine side more than ever before and our new behavior is significantly influencing our biology and the new challenges that we face in our most intimate relationships.

John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, says that as gender roles change, so are our hormones, making many relationships … well, complicated.

As Jayson finds out in this episode, John Gray is willing to stir up controversy to prove traditional gender roles and behavior shouldn’t be abandoned completely if we want to be physically healthy and happy in our relationships.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

- - Who is John Gray? [9:00]
  - Stop the blame game [17:00]
  - Putting on your masculine or feminine “hat” [20:00]
  - Relationships in the era of gender neutrality [23:00]
  - The science behind “male” vs “female” qualities [34:00]
  - Is the angry man a feminized man? [39:00]
  - Pesticides and hormones [43:00]
  - Balancing our male and female sides [54:00]
  - Ladies, venting is good for you [57:00]
  - Changing diet to correct hormonal imbalance [1:09:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO

John Gray is the author of the most well-known and trusted relationship book of all time, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the top 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. In hardcover, it was the #1 bestselling book of the 1990s. Dr. Gray’s books are translated into approximately 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continues to be a bestseller.

Dr. Gray has written over 20 books. His most recent book is Beyond Mars and Venus. His Mars/Venus book series has forever changed the way men and women view their relationships.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance.

His many books, blogs and free online workshops at MarsVenus.com provide practical insights to improve relationships at all stages of life and love. An advocate of health and optimal brain function, he also provides natural solutions for overcoming depression, anxiety and stress to support increased energy, libido, hormonal balance and better sleep.

He has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, as well as on The Dr. Oz Show, TODAY, CBS This Morning, Good Morning America, and others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today, and People. He was also the subject of a three hour special hosted by Barbara Walters.

John Gray lives in Northern California with his wife, Bonnie. They have been happily married for over 30 years and have three grown daughters and four grandchildren. He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.

Order Jayson’s new book here:

Details About the Smart Couple Quote Book – SC 174

The Smart Couple Quote Book is out!

This is a relationship book is unique for sure. Add tools to your relationship toolbox with just a minute of reading a day.

You will learn radically simple ways to avoid pointless fights, have better sex, and build an indestructible partnership and you can turn any page to get movement in that direction.

Where you can get the Smart Couple Quote Book:

On AMAZON right here.

If you live locally, you can also get it at the Book Signing at the Boulder Bookstore on December 5th

ABOUT THE BOOK:

The Smart Couple Quote Book is a beacon of light for growth and development oriented couples. You will learn radically simple ways to avoid pointless fights, have better sex, and build an indestructible partnership. With these tools, you’ll be able to turn any relationship challenge into a powerful healing opportunity that deepens and strengthens your love. This book is for couples and individuals who are motivated to understand themselves and work on themselves in order to earn a safe, sexy, and successful partnership.

If You Have A Story That You’ll Never Find The One…

Are you telling yourself this story?

Do you believe:

“All the good ones are taken.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“No one really cares.”

“I’ll always be alone.”

And then wonder why it keeps happening…

Staying attached to this story keeps you in a victim mindset, making excuses about why things aren’t better in your life, why you are alone and can’t find someone.

If you get stuck in the blame or limiting beliefs, or invest here, you will keep playing out this story in your relationships, literally bringing it to life and even using it as a way to “prove” that what you believe is true.

Ouch! Sounds painful, right?

The good news is that you can use this pain to actually grow.

Bestselling author and love teacher, Katherine Woodward Thomas (who wrote “Calling in the One“) suggests that we have a choice: to keep repeating patterns and stories or get conscious and intentional to learn another way.

How do you learn another way?

As Katherine suggests, wake up to the narrative, challenge your view, and get intentional!

Whatever happened back then, happened. You can do NOTHING about it now. What happens moving forward, however, is something you can do something about.

You don’t have to keep investing in that old story (even if you feel like you do).

Dig deeper. Challenge yourself to find the places where your story is not true or the whole truth. Instead of only seeing how it hurt you (victim), ask yourself:

How did this help me become who I am today?
What did it teach me back then and now?
What would my life look like if this hadn’t happened?

Be careful of copping out and making excuses like “It did nothing for me.”

See if you can slowly retell your story from a different perspective. Where are you still enslaved to that old story? Can you reframe the view of pain into wisdom gained from the experience?

As you withdraw your investment from the former account and start putting it into one based on inquiry and intention you literally make room for the story to change. This shift in mindset is essential to free yourself from limiting beliefs. And then you can actually use your mind as a tool! Set conscious intentions. Make different investments. Cultivate new resources.

Sound possible?

Taking this kind of personal responsibility is a way to “grow yourself up”, to become the person you want to be, and to have the fulfilling relationship you want to have! That’s the true payoff.

Still need help with this process? Hire a Relationship School Coach to help you move out of that old story and into a place of empowerment and possibility.

Healing Relational Trauma In The Body – Sharon Stanley – SC 173

Unsure why certain interactions with loved ones get you so upset? Ever struggle to relate to the hardship of others?

Psychotherapist Sharon Stanley says the issue could be trauma, trauma you may not even be aware you have. Once we assess our own trauma we can begin exercising our senses and become more compassionate to others.

According to Sharon, we owe it to ourselves and to each other to consider the pain in our pasts, only then can we embody true empathy!

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

- - Who is Sharon Stanley? [6:00]
  - The best ways to connect with a traumatized person [11:00]
  - Interacting with a partner with trauma [16:00]
  - Building strength within the body to address trauma [20:00]
  - Are you dealing with trauma? [25:00]
  - The cost of ignoring trauma [26:00]
  - Is neglect the worst type of trauma? [30:00]
  - The importance of being embodied [35:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO

Dr. Sharon Stanley is a psychotherapist, educator and writer living on Bainbridge Island, Washington. As a long time student of Dr. Allan Schore, Sharon has integrated a number of somatic practices for healing trauma into an elegant, cohesive, relational and phenomenological model of psychotherapy, Somatic Transformation. At the core of Somatic Transformation is the practice of feeling into another’s inner world; a bodily based attunement, connectivity and inquiry that animates the intersubjective field and

guides the use of somatic interventions and reflection. Grounded in relational research on trauma, guided by the Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges, inspired by the soul work of Donald Kalsched, Sharon has taught this model to hundreds of practitioners over the past 20 years. She continues to explore somatic ways of knowing, relating and psychological processing from a phenomenological perspective through the lenses of her own clinical practice, neuroscience and nature-based practices. In addition to her in-depth courses for practicing psychotherapists, Sharon has worked extensively with First Nations people in Canada, studied Afro-Brazilian practices of healing the residue of the trauma of slavery in Brazil and is currently on the faculty for Antioch University in Seattle. In 2016, Routledge published her book: Relational and Body-Centered Practices for Healing Trauma: Lifting the Burdens of the Past. (2016) Routledge.