When trying to end a relationship, guys will often say something like, “You deserve better than me.”
This pre-break up statement is a cop out.
I know because I used to make it all the time.
Men who say this have left a few things unexamined…
First, you’re in her space.
Get back in your own space.
Second, this is an insult to her. Why? Because you are assuming you know what’s best for her. Telling her what she deserves and what she doesn’t deserve isn’t your place.
Show her more respect and trust she can take care of herself, even if she may be acting like she can’t.
Third, by saying this, you get to avoid taking responsibility for your fear and insecurities. Investigate what drives this kind of statement. Get outside help to see what you are not seeing.
Fourth, you are putting yourself down. Find a way to walk taller than this. Somewhere inside, you’re a badass. Learn to own and embrace your awesomeness.
If you judge yourself in relationship, do something about it so you feel good about how you show up in a partnership.
As an alternative, take more responsibility and try saying things like, “I’m scared and not able to commit right now.” “I feel like I’ve reached my limit for intimacy and need a break.” “I doubt myself in relationship.” “I think you should be the one to move on because if I end this I’m too scared to hurt your feelings, feel uncomfortable myself, and thus be judged as the bad guy.”
By taking the attention off her and putting it on yourself, you can start to get under what is likely a habitual pattern or block in the relationship.
C’mon fellahs, you can do this…
Thank you for these words. I had a heartbreaking relationship for 3 years with a very confused man. He bought me a car, paid my bills, bought me the newest iPhone, but he never could make time for me. It was completely lonely. He said he’d do things with me but canceled. He wouldn’t invite me over to his home, ever, he lived 5 minutes away. I tried everything, cooked for him, left him food on his doorstep, he never let me into his life but he spent so much money on me. I just did not understand why he would do that and not want me a part of his life. I still do not understand. I’m still so heartbroken, no answers, I tried to show him this podcast and articles but he does not want to change.
Is “I need a break.. I have a lot going on. it’s not fair to you.” just a different version of this?
It is an emotional roller coaster with this man. We talk openly about our childhood trauma and have deep conversations for hours, and for the first time this last weekend he asked if I wanted to lie next to him and he held me close. He has told me in the past he needs time to break down his walls and does not want any physical intimacy, but in the beginning he held my hand and seemed to enjoy being kissed. This last weekend I stood a foot away in front of him and he backed away. When I asked why he said he did not think of me that way. I asked what he meant, and he replied that I was his best friend. I asked when the physical attraction ended for me, he said that he is still attracted to me. I told him that I was upset and would need to distance myself from him to move on, and he replied with anger “oh so you can date other guys?” We have the best time together, but there is no physical contact generally, and I feel this is a safe place for him. I told him from the start what I wanted most from a man was to be loved, although he said he really cares about me…I feel unloved and unhappy.