Affairs are so intense.
When I was 20 or so I cheated on my girlfriend. When I was 32 or so I had an emotional affair. In this episode I share more about what I learned about myself during those and then I discuss why so many affairs happen and what you can do about it.
IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:
- how to deal with your emotions
- how to move past an affair quickly
- how strong people take the path of personal development and growth after an affair
- why it’s important to look in the mirror
- how to recognize the “victim” mentality and re-empower yourself
- how fear plays a crucial role in causing an affair
- why coming back into your heart is essential to preventing an affair
- effective methods for dealing with affairs
For more information, visit and CONNECT with resources mentioned in this episode:
Six Critical Things to Know About Affairs:
http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2014/02/six-critical-things-know-affairs/
What Affairs Tell You About You and Your Relationship:
http://www.datingskillsreview.com/ep-56-what-affairs-tell-you-relationships-jayson-gaddis/
Why Men (And New Dads like Tiger Woods) Have Affairs:
http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2009/12/why-men-and-new-dads-like-tiger-woods-have-affairs/
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I just wanted a moment to say thank you. I’ve been searching for a year for somebody who thinks the way you do and has the knowledge to explain the process of how to get to these points. After two years of a continuous vicious cycle with my husband, just two weeks of reading your articles and listening to your podcasts has allowed me to regain my footing and my path. We are better than ever and I feel powerful and in control of my happiness. As well as finding my source of happiness within myself instead of trying to siphon it out of him. You’re doing great work and I look forward everyday to learning something new from your words. I finally feel like myself again. So again, thank you.
You’re welcome Ray
This is very healing! In listening, I could feel old wounds being soothed as you went thru the ways to deal…the tools…being intact. Most Importantly “What am I offering my husband today?” It is very essential to know the difference between love and fear ~ resignation to the “commitment”. So good to be talking about the deeper layers in the relationship. It is a very difficult thing, as this communication resides in SELF WORTH and LOVE (yes, I DO deserve to have the relationship I want with this person). It’s been a deep wound surfacing all over our planet, and marriages/close relationships mimic the cosmos. Let’s be clear and move into the FUTURE creation <3 with an open heart to each other and especially our mate.
Agreed, thanks Ana, well articulated. Hope all is well, and thanks for listening.
Hi Jayson,
I really appreciate this podcast. It has a lot of excellent information. I do absolutely feel that it is so important for us to look at our own role in a partner having an affair. My husband of 25 years had an emotional then physical affair that just about flattened me. The betrayal left me feeling like nothing I have ever experienced before. I immediately went into full blame of MYSELF for HIS affair. I thought if I had been a better wife that he would not have strayed. I had so much shame that I was not able to keep my husband in the marriage. For me, the work was recognizing that this was his choice and ultimately I had no control over his choice. We all have choices we make everyday that keep us in our integrity and if our partner has an affair it is on them not on us.
I do think there is a difference between cheating on your partner at 20 than a full blown affair after building a life together and having common goals and children etc together. The trust that builds is undeniable so when that gets broken it takes time to repair that. It is up to the person who has had the affair to STOP the affair and rebuild the trust with their partner. That can take time. I dont think putting a time frame of 30 days on the grieving process is at all fair to the person who has been cheated on.
Again, I completely agree we have to look at our own contribution but I do urge you to further explore and fully recognize the damage an affair causes. You have said before if one person is not willing to do the work then you should get out of the relationship. My husband was ambivalent after his affair which did additional damage to the point I had to take care of myself and after 18 months of me pretzeling to be a “better wife” I finally filed for divorce. I have moved on and am now in an absolutely glorious, fulfulling relationship but I still have lingering pain over the loss of my marriage and betrayal from someone who I thought had my back. I can see my own contribution very clearly but I still have to work on not taking on HIS choices.
My point in this response is I do think there is repair work that needs to be done before one can look in the mirror and I would have liked to hear a bit more emphasis placed on that.
Thank you for all your amazing work. My partner and I love your podcasts and we agree with so much of what you have said. I am sure you will defend your position but i did feel it was important to point out these other points.
Hey Brooke, thanks for sharing that. I haven’t listened to this episode myself, though I definitely feel moved to as it’s getting quite a few comments that are compelling me. I appreciate your points and that you shared your lived experience, I’m sorry that this happened to you, even though it sounds like you’re thrilled with your new partnership. I think there’s a difference too between “internalizers” and “externalizers”, who live more in the ‘blaming’ realm (ie. you said you blamed and shamed yourself), then someone looking at their part in the situation and how they may have (unconsciously) contributed to such an outcome (unintentionally) if for example there was a pattern one might identify… AND from tbe sounds of it I would agree with you that a repair needs to be initiated by the partner who went outside the relationship and broke trust, no doubt. I could go on but my job is really to connect with you and thank you for listening and sharing your experience and enhancing the community, we really appreciate it and are glad that you and your porter Love the podcast and are finding value in the offering. Thanks for listening and speaking up and. having this conversation =)
I like your podcasts and have been listening. Please don’t go around telling poor broken hearted husbands and wives that they played a part in their spouses stupidity. This is just sad and hurtful. You are missing a very big point and piece of the puzzle here. You are very right that the person who has been cheated on is not the victim…..this is very true. In your talk you have husband and wife, but you leave out the relationship.
Think of it this way, when I and my wife got married, it was like we bought a brand new awesome car. We have driven it for 20 years! Lets say it’s falling apart because I’m not taking care of it. I don’t clean it. I don’t put wiper fluid in it, the knobs are falling off, I just don’t do my job of taking care of it on my side. This does not give her the right to go out and purposefully smash it in to a tree (cheating). If she does that, then she has damaged our car, not me. I’m not a victim in any way other than I’m sad about this car. I’m also not at fault. She might not have been taking care of her side either, but I didn’t smash the thing into a tree.
After the crashing/cheating, We have to decide if it is worth putting this car back together. Can we fix it back up to be something we wanted? If my wife is going to smash it into a tree again and again, then I should stop trying to fix the car, but if she did it once, is sorry, and apologizes, then I should look into fixing it. We have had it 20 years!
It is in no way my fault that she wrecked the car, but it might be my fault as to some of the sorry shape that it was in. Either way, it’s not me she bashed into a tree. It was the car, but don’t tell people just because they are not putting wiper fluid in their cars that its their fault the wife smashed it into a tree out of spite or anger or stupidity. It’s not their fault. It’s not them. They are not victims, but it is their job to determine if it is worth fixing.
And if you are in this situation, you should know, it’s going to make you nervous for a while when she drives it again, It might take a little while for you to see that she cares about the car and is being careful with it, and that’s ok. That’s normal. You guys just fixed it up again. If she wrecks it again, it’s still not you. You are fine. You are able to get a new model with nicer hubcaps and maybe even hands free driving, you’ll be ok…..
As to the psych in this story. Bad things happen to good people. In your office you might think, man it would be great to take away things like blame and fault, but you can’t. That might make your job easier, but it’s like defying the laws of physics eventually the whole thing is going to come tumbling down.
You can say, hey your wife just put a big giant dent in your relationship. She did it. She’s sorry. Being angry and hateful isn’t going to help fix it, but you have the right to be that way if you want to. When you are not angry, blaming and hurtful any more, we can see about fixing the relationship. You are not the relationship. You are human, and bad things happen to good people….even though it would make my job much easier if they didn’t.
hi Richard, I see both of your messages from 2017 are published on the episode. I hope that while you disagreed with Jayson in this episode it sounds like you’re getting a lot from the episode and i think the piece where you connect/align is when you say “It is in no way my fault that she wrecked the car, but it might be my fault as to some of the sorry shape that it was in.” Without having listened to this particular episode, I imagine this is the major thread that was being pulled, because Jayson is very big on everyone taking accountability for their part. AND he’s also huge on how to repair the conflict, he just wrote a book about it called “Getting To Zero”, and it speaks to how we actually build trust and security through how we repair the conflict (not to say we go looking for conflict or pick fights, but when it happens). I hope you have gotten something of value from the podcast in general, and thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts and feelings, and I’m sorry this happened to you, it sounds painful. Warmly, Meg
It’s ok that you didn’t publish it. I really do love your podcasts. The car thing really helped me when my wife…..did what she did…..I understand if you don’t publish it. I will keep listening.
hi Richard, I see both of your messages from 2017 are published on the episode. I hope that while you disagreed with Jayson in this episode it sounds like you’re getting a lot from the episode and i think the piece where you connect/align is when you say “It is in no way my fault that she wrecked the car, but it might be my fault as to some of the sorry shape that it was in.” Without having listened to this particular episode, I imagine this is the major thread that was being pulled, because Jayson is very big on everyone taking accountability for their part. AND he’s also huge on how to repair the conflict, he just wrote a book about it called “Getting To Zero”, and it speaks to how we actually build trust and security through how we repair the conflict (not to say we go looking for conflict or pick fights, but when it happens). I hope you have gotten something of value from the podcast in general, and thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts and feelings, and I’m sorry this happened to you, it sounds painful. Warmly, Meg