QUESTION: I keep running away from relationships with the opposite sex when they start to get close or use the ‘L word’, basically because I think I’m not good enough for them or they’d end up leaving me. I also find it difficult to initiate talks with other people – what do I do?
– Elias
SHOWNOTES
This episode’s question [1:00]
The irony in running away because you’re scared of being left [2:00]
Fear of being alone is human. Here’s how you can use it to build intimacy [3:00]
Working on your triggers around abandonment [4:00]
Pat Ogden PhD is a pioneer when it comes to somatic trauma therapy. Her work has touched many people including me. Even if you don’t think you have any trauma, you likely have some living in your body that your partner will activate. In this episode, Pat has some great guidance to normalize and assist you in taking small steps that will greatly benefit you and your partner as you wade through the daily triggers of long-term relationship. Here are a few of the highlights: SHOWNOTES
What got Pat into studying human beings and trauma [10:00]
How Pat helped women who had difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure [13:00]
What is trauma? [17:00]
Why we see the ‘freeze response’ in people who were abused as children [19:00]
How childhood neglect can show up as trauma in adults [20:00]
What’s happening in the bodies of a couple who fights all the time? [22:00]
The pursuer and withdrawer dynamic in relationship [26:00]
Can we rewire our nervous systems together as a couple? [28:00]
The significance of the therapist-client bond [33:00]
What couples can do at home to work with their automatic nervous system responses [37:00]
Is there harm in retelling a traumatic story? [43:00]
GUEST BIOPat Ogden, PhD, is a pioneer in somatic psychology and the Founder and Education Director of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, an internationally recognized school specializing in somatic–cognitive approaches for the treatment of posttraumatic stress disorder and attachment disturbances. Her Institute, based in Broomfield Colorado, has 19 certified trainers who conduct Sensorimotor Psychotherapy trainings of over 400 hours for mental health professionals throughout the US, Canada, Europe, and Australia. The Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute has certified hundreds of psychotherapists throughout the world in this method. She is co-founder of the Hakomi Institute, past faculty of Naropa University (1985-2005), a clinician, consultant, and sought after international lecturer. Dr. Ogden is the first author of two groundbreaking books in somatic psychology: Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment (2015) both published in the Interpersonal Neurobiology Series of W. W. Norton.She iscurrently working on a additional books: Sensorimotor Psychotherapy for Children, Adolescents and Families with colleagues and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy for Groups with Bonnie Goldstein. Her current interests include developing training programs in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy for children adolescents and families with colleagues, Embedded Relational Mindfulness, culture and diversity, couple therapy (with Kekuni Minton), working with challenging clients, the relational nature of shame, presence, consciousness and the philosophical/spiritual principles that guide Sensorimotor Psychotherapy.
So many things. But most often a couple will unconsciously slide into fear and then come up with some lame external excuse like, “I’ve lost the attraction” or, “We just aren’t in love anymore.”
While these might be partially true, there’s always more to the story.
So, what do we do?
If you are in a sexless marriage, instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me or my partner?” (which is more blame), try asking a more intelligent question like, “How do we face our fears and anxiety around sexual intimacy?”
By first asking this important question, married couples can begin to tackle their fears.
We can make it even more vulnerable and sexy by sitting on the bed naked together with no other agenda than to state our fears in front of one another. Take turns saying, “I’m scared…” and fill in the blank. Go slow enough to feel and not dissociate.
Be courageous and face the deep vulnerability that sex can bring. Tender, naked, raw, beautiful…
Just make the simple move of owning your fear. By doing this, we are making a very intimate statement. And this level of vulnerability is lubrication for sex.
Ever feel like you’re tolerating shitty behavior, shouldering the burden of being the ‘therapist’ in the relationship, or constantly giving to others (and talking yourself out of your own needs)? Valuing ourselves and having confidence in our boundaries is key to getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want – especially in relationship. Danielle Laporte is an expert at helping women find their ‘white hot truth’. She’s got a gift for translating spirituality, self-help and ‘new age’ thinking into something more palatable for women who are growth-oriented and wanting more in their lives. In this episode, we cover why it’s a bad idea to be the therapist in the relationship, boundaries, feeling inadequate (and the lies that the ‘new age’ world sell us), thinking that we’re asking ‘too much,’ how to value yourself and much more. Here are a few of the highlights: SHOWNOTES
Danielle’s story [11:00]
The difference between someone who learns from their pain vs someone who stays stuck [18:00]
How encouragement through childhood shapes who we grow into [19:00]
The trap of believing you’re ‘not enough’ and what Danielle calls the ‘Lie of Inadequacy’ [29:00]
The issue of inadequacy in relationship and what to do to counter feeling ‘not enough’ [36:00]
What is the “Spiritual Woman Trap”? [38:00]
Working with the inner-child to move toward wholeness [46:00]
Why boundaries matter to the growth-oriented person [47:00]
The ‘Poly movement’ – do open relationships work? [60:00]
CONTEST INSTRUCTIONS AND LINKS 1. Leave a podcast review and send in a screenshot 2. Be a member of the Jayson Gaddis Smart Couple Group on Facebook 3. Follow @jaysongaddis on Instagram 4. Comment on an Instagram post and send in a screenshot5. Post a 1 min or less video in the Smart Couple Group (make sure the video is under 1 minute to qualify) telling us which podcast episode so far has been your favorite and why, and also why you want to come to the Relationship School Live Weekend.– The deadline is midnight Saturday, August 5.
GUEST BIODanielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.”She is author of White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path-from one seeker to another. The Fire Starter Sessions, and The Desire Map: A Guide To Creating Goals With Soul– the book that has been translated into 8 languages, evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top 10 iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries.Named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs and what’s been called “the best place online for kickass spirituality.”A speaker, a poet, a painter, and a former business strategist and Washington-DC think tank exec, Entrepreneur Magazine calls Danielle, “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.” Her charities of choice are Eve Ensler’s VDay: a global movement to end violence against women and girls, and charity: water, setting out to bring safe drinking water to everyone in the world. She lives in Vancouver, BC with her favourite philosopher, her son.You can find her @daniellelaporte and just about everywhere on social media
HELPFUL LINKS
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