QUESTION: I feel like I’m doing my part setting boundaries, communicating my needs and asking for what I want. What else can I try? I’ve done the work to learn how to express and articulate my needs, how I want to be treated, what’s not ok with me, behaviour that’s hurtful (very clearly with specific behaviours) and setting clear boundaries. Some of the behaviours continue even though I’ve clearly told him I won’t tolerate it anymore. When I tell him how this specific behaviour impacts me, I often get a sarcastic “I’m sorry you feel this way” and he just doesn’t listen to me.
SHOWNOTES
This episode’s question [1:00]
How does it feel to get ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ from your partner? [2:00]
How to diffuse the anger in a heated conversation [4:00]
Training your partner to really listen to you [5:00]
Want to know one man’s approach to calling in the one? How did he find his dream relationship? What exactly did he do? Then, how did he create the dream relationship even after it got really dark? Find out how to find and create a solid relationship through one man’s inspiring story. Once again we learn a lesson from a man who was willing to face himself and go work on what he needed to.
Here are a few of the highlights:
SHOWNOTES
Dan’s story [4:00]
Tools Dan and his wife use when they’re facing challenges in relationship [13:00]
When to get help with relationship-trouble outside of the relationship [14:00]
How getting clear on what you want on an online dating site can help you meet your dream man or woman [19:00]
What Dan did to get himself prepared for marriage [20:00]
The danger of pushing your own values onto your partner [29:00]
What prevented Dan from bailing after two weeks of non-stop conflict with his wife [34:00]
How Dan got into personal growth and men’s work [39:00]
Dealing with stigma around men’s work [47:00]
How to bring spirituality to men’s work [51:00]
How a traditional ‘man’s man’ can relate to the more ‘feeling-centered’ side of men’s work [53:00]
The shift in men’s culture and the rise of personal-growth for men [57:00]
GUEST BIO I grew up in a cold, flat corner of the Midwest, safe and happy but very cut off from most of the world. My early years were filled with hunting, fishing, football, physical labor on farms and in fields, and more heavy metal concerts than is healthy. In college I started travelling abroad and 10 years of inner and outer exploration began. I travelled all over the world and got in lots of pickles.
My career has been wide ranging, but the core of adventure and human growth has always held steady. After college I spent over 600 days as a wilderness therapy guide and led groups of struggling young men up mountains, down rivers, and across frozen lakes. Along the way I absorbed and learned a ton about the process of mentoring and what it means to be a man in our culture today. Ever since that time spent in the wilds, helping guys live more real lives has been my obsession and mission.
My next chapter involved literally stepping out of the woods, taking a shower, and boarding a plane to New York City to start a completely new life. I got a job as a public high school teacher in the Bronx and taught a group of amazing kids for two years as I earned a masters degree. It was the most challenging and rewarding experience I’ve ever had, and I learned that I was a terrible academic teacher but affirmed that I was really good at developing relationships and mentoring young men.
I moved to Montana and began working with kids outdoors again when I got a call to be a PA on a wilderness based TV show. I found a niche and launched a new career producing, shooting, and directing outdoor-based tv and film, most notably being a part of over 70 episodes of the hunting and food show MeatEater. This incredible period offered constant travel to some of the most beautiful places on the planet and along the way I honed my storytelling skills through visual and written mediums. It was a wild ride.
Today I live in Montana with my wife and son and too many animals. I’m combining all of my experiences and am excited to offer experiences, services and media that all lead back to how men in our culture can show up in life in meaningful ways. I believe that culturally we have created a situation for guys that rarely allows us to be ourselves, and I envision a world where we don’t have to hold back so much.
QUESTION: Since a boundary of mine is about to be breached – again – does that spell the end of this particular partnership? I’ve been lying to myself and my partner about my ok-ness with her quarterly 7+ day adventures with a supposedly platonic friend of hers. It took almost a year to figure that out and come to a place of acceptance with it. Last night during a semi-routine check-in conversation I was finally able to be honest with myself and with her that these trips, which started after she and I began seeing each other just over a year ago, are not ok with me – to the point of being non-negotiable. It turns out that I need my partner to have me as their primary adventure person. In less than two weeks, my partner and this friend of hers are scheduled to embark on a 9 day climbing journey together. – Alex, CA
SHOWNOTES
Alex’s question [1:00]
When people use spirituality as an excuse for not standing up for their needs [2:00]
How to find win-win when making requests with your partner [4:00]
The difference between setting setting boundaries with your partner and controlling them [6:00]
When is it best to take what we’ve learnt from this relationship as practice for the next? [9:00]
Imagine you’re 12 years old, at home watching tv, ears pricked up as you hear your dad pulling into the driveway. Every part of your nervous system listening to the revving of the engine, the slam of the car door, the keys in the front door.
All these things might be the difference between being greeted cheerfully, being ignored, or being beaten. It doesn’t take long to become an expert at knowing what’s coming.
The levels of sensitivity we develop to these dynamics as kids has a direct impact on what we get triggered by, how we get triggered, whether we fight, run or freeze.
Sadly, many people never get the chance to undo & heal the hurt of abuse and neglect from their childhood, so many of us suffer with emotional blocks, blindspots and triggers for the rest of our lives.
Christian Pankhurst is doing the work to help us heal those wounds.
In this episode, we talk about some practical steps to help you take control of the emotional triggers & untangle our shame through, what Christian calls ‘Heart Intelligence’ (or Heart IQ™)
Here are a few of the highlights:
SHOWNOTES
Christian’s story [8:00]
Growing up with a violent father [17:00]
How to accelerate your self-awareness with ‘circle work’ [19:00]
The dangers of the dysfunctional, disconnected masculine [21:00]
A tip for men on tracking their experience for increased self awareness [25:00]
The critical difference between ‘Triggered’ and ‘Non-Triggered’ energy [30:00]
A reframing question that can turn your pain into productive forward motion [34:00]
Christian Pankhurst is a world-leading authority on heart-centered communication and heart-intelligent relationships. He is the creator of the Heart IQ™ Method, a coaching framework that specializes in group dynamics and intimacy development. This methodology utilizes “circle work” to accelerate personal and group awakening. Christian is the founder of the Heart IQ Academy, an online and live event professional training organization that offers a one-of- a-kind education by combining professional coach training along with embodied application of the Heart IQ principles. The Heart IQ Academy has certified over 300 practitioners in over twenty-five countries.
QUESTION: Going into my 10th month of a relationship. 2 week break up (his initiation), came back back asking to work it out, showing up strong, committed and communicative. There is only one problem..no sex. He got distant before the break up (last few weeks)…and I asked about it then. He said it was a “him” thing. I realize we need a conversation….but before I do..I need objective insight. He does not touch me in any sexual ways. He holds my hand…and snuggles with me at night, even in his sleep. I am fairly attractive…so don’t chalk it up to that. But…this feels so bad and awkward. Has anyone else had this? He has never been aggressive or overly sexual with me, but now it is non existent. I feel like this is an NNN but I do not want to leave a relationship over sex….but…have considered. Any suggestions or thoughts?
SHOWNOTES
Can you be in long-term, fulfilling relationship without sex? [4:00]
How can having kids change your sex-life for the better? [5:00]
Why some couples choose a sex-less marriage [6:00]
The most common reason couples don’t have sex [8:00]
Christian Pankhurst is a world-leading authority on heart-centered communication and heart-intelligent relationships. He is the creator of the Heart IQ™ Method, a coaching framework that specializes in group dynamics and intimacy development. This methodology utilizes “circle work” to accelerate personal and group awakening. Christian is the founder of the Heart IQ Academy, an online and live event professional training organization that offers a one-of- a-kind education by combining professional coach training along with embodied application of the Heart IQ principles. The Heart IQ Academy has certified over 300 practitioners in over twenty-five countries.
