Jayson, Author at The Relationship School®

3 Types Of Fights – SC 21

Most of the time, when we fight with a partner, we “bicker” or go in circles because we are missing what the fight is really about. In this episode we examine the 3 things people fight about most. It will be essential to listen to this so you know what the deeper layer of your fights are really about. Why does this matter? So you can get to the real issue and resolve it.

SHOWNOTES:

The 3 types of fights [6:40]
Type 1: Security fight – “I don’t feel safe” [7:40]
Type 2: Past resentments – Stuff you’ve never dealt with. [11:00]
Type 3: Dealing with small, everyday stuff [14:00]

[bctt tweet=”We can literally rewire our brains through relationship.”]

Fight, Flight, Freeze – The 3 styles of dealing with conflict [24:40]

ACTION STEP:

Next time you’re fighting with your partner, remember to ask yourselves: “What are we really fighting about?”

How to clear resentments

Conflict Scorecard

Conflict Is Good News – Diane Musho Hamilton – SC 20

I really enjoyed this conversation with Zen teacher Diane Hamilton. She brings such a genuine willingness to move toward what’s uncomfortable in our relationships. We explore why she left the mormon church and how she got into zen practice. We also take a good look at parenting, marriage, and why it’s so paramount to be able to take our partner’s point of view. I know you’ll appreciate this dialogue.

SHOWNOTES:

A special guest kicks off the podcast [0:10]
Beginning of the interview [5:20]
Diane shares the arc of her life up to this point [6:00]
Diane’s “genius zone”: Meditation and Mediation [10:00]

I don’t want peace at the sake of low energy, nor do I want high energy at the sake of harmony. Those qualities both matter. – Diane Musho Hamilton

Skill with conflict = comfort with difference [16:00]

A couple that can take each other’s perspectives, as well as perspectives from their children or perspectives from the outside, generally points to a couple that has more flexibility and more range in their relationship. – Diane Musho Hamilton

Diane shares about the relationship dynamic with her husband [19:30]
Diane defines conflict: “Extreme difference that is fueled by emotion, and is very disruptive to the system” [21:00]
Why is conflict “good news”? [22:10]
The 3 styles of conflict [24:15]
- Avoidance
- Accommodation
- Aggression
How Diane uses meditation to work with conflict [29:00]
Diane demos mindfulness meditation [32:50]

[bctt tweet=”If you can’t sit with yourself, then you can’t really sit with anyone else – Diane Musho Hamilton “]

The yogic practice of hearing perspectives we don’t agree with [39:00]
Bringing Zen and Integral into conflict [45:40]

[bctt tweet=”The more developed a person is, the more perspectives they can take. – Diane Musho Hamilton”]

HELPFUL LINKS:

Dumb Fights

My upcoming Conflict Webinar

Diane’s Website

Diane’s Book: Everything Is Workable

ABOUT:

Diane Musho Hamilton is an exceptionally gifted mediator, group facilitator, and one of the authentic contemporary spiritual teachers of our time.

Combining decades of innovation in conflict resolution with an enthusiasm for life, she knows how to address the challenges of our modern experience with an uncommon spiritual perspective.

With extraordinary warmth, depth and insight, she encourages us to consciously evolve beyond old and limited ideas of who we are so that we might discover our own unique expression of wisdom and of compassion in this time.

3 Steps To End Relationship Drama – SC 19

In this episode I unpack 3 really important steps to removing the drama from your relationships. Drama can be a time suck, an energy drain, and can hurt your relationship even more. So, check this short episode out and notice if you are perpetuating drama, or doing your best to end it.

SHOWNOTES:

What does Jayson mean when he says drama? [2:00]

[bctt tweet=”If you want to end the drama, you need to face the drama.”]

3 main ingredients to ending the drama [4:40]

Reframe it and see it as an opportunity rather than a problem [5:50]
Say NO to drama, by saying YES to conflict [7:00]
Learn the art and wisdom of understanding each other [13:50]

What does it mean to validate someone else’s experience? [17:00]

ACTION STEP:

Make sure to get the Conflict Score Card by signing up for my upcoming FREE webinar: The Secret to Ending Frustrating Fights.

How Therapist Bruce Tift Helped Me Have The Balls To Marry My Wife – SC 18

Bruce was one of THE pivotal factors in helping me marry my wife before she slammed the door shut on me. Hear that story in this episode and why it’s so common for couples to struggle. Bruce offers a powerful frame for relationship and intimacy and makes the distinction between the developmental work we need to do, and the possibility that we are “already free” in relationship. Check it.

SHOWNOTES:

How Jayson met Bruce [1:15]
“I give [Bruce] credit for saving my marriage” – Jayson [2:30]
Start of interview [3:50]
How does ambivalence factor into a long-term relationship? [6:15]
The interplay of the basic energies of separation and connection [8:30]

[bctt tweet=”An intimate relationship is inherently disturbing – Bruce Tift”]

Intimacy vs. Closeness [12:30]
Bruce’s core philosophy [15:30]
Relationship is like riding a bicycle…it’s all about balance [17:15]

Couples unconsciously collude or agree to maintain problems, because it gives each person a feeling of being solid and significant, even if it’s in a painful way. – Bruce [20:40]

A good first step for couples stuck in an adversarial relationship – The practice of personal responsibility [21:31]
Why it’s important to let go of claiming that your partner is the cause of your difficult emotions [23:50]
Bruce shares about his marriage [26:00]
Bruce shares his story of becoming a therapist [31:00]
What is a “successful relationship”? [38:00]

[bctt tweet=”Relating to an intimate partner is guaranteed to force out into the open any unresolved issues we have – Bruce Tift” via=”no”]

Bruce shares how parenting has impacted his relationships and his life [42:15]
Having kids is a real good practice in how willing are we to let another person just be who they are. [45:40]
Sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship [45:50]
Approaching sexuality as a disciplined practice [50:30]
Bruce talks about personal responsibility [54:40]
Bruce shares about his new book Already Free – [1:00:00]

HELPFUL LINKS:

“Already Free” the audio book

“Already Free” the book

Soundstrue Interview with Bruce

10 Agreements of an Indestructible Marriage

ABOUT:

Bruce Tift, MA, LMFT, has been in private practice since 1979, taught at Naropa University for 25 years, worked in a psychiatric ward and as a family therapist with social services, and has given presentations in the US, Mexico, and Japan. A practitioner of Vajrayana Buddhism for more than 40 years, he had the good fortune to be a student of Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, and to meet a number of realized teachers. Bruce guesses he’s worked with between 3000 and 4000 couples over the years!

The Smart Couple Podcast

The Smart Couple Podcast is a trail blazing relationship podcast for growth-development oriented people who want a deeply fulfilling long-term relationship. Here we re-write the outdated nonsense of marriage and monogamy and offer you practical, easy to apply tools so you can get the kind of relationship you deserve and then strengthen it over time. Your host Jayson Gaddis once again shares his own traumas and triumphs on the way to “winning*” in marriage (*winning means he can get his connection needs met without compromising his values or integrity). Join him, his wife, and many other relationship geeks as they explore the next chapter of modern monogamy.

Subscribe on iTunes and Stitcher (for Android phones) here: