How To Heal After a Break Up & Get Back Together – Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath – 336

How can you get back together with your partner after breaking up? 

As you’ll discover in my podcast from this week with Mark and Kylie, the trick isn’t just getting back together after a breakup, it’s getting back together as a team. 

Getting back together after a breakup is the easy part, getting back together as a team is more difficult but ultimately more rewarding. It might take more work, but when you get back together as a team, you’re much more likely to actually stay together. 

Don’t get stuck in the cycle of breaking up and making up. Center your journey towards a stronger and ultimately more stable relationship. 

Mark and Kylie learned that the key to staying together is being honest, having integrity, being compassionate, recognizing and acknowledging each other’s truths, and communicating. For example, if you get back together with your partner after a breakup without making any changes and continue to be dishonest and uncompassionate while refusing to acknowledge your partner’s truths, needs, and values, that relationship will fail again.

Why put yourself, your partner, or both through a tortuous cycle of breaking up, getting back together, and breaking up again? Each breakup inflicts pain and lasting trauma on both parties. By avoiding that cycle, you both need to make an effort to commit to renewing and strengthening your relationship by confronting and fixing all of the issues that led to your breakup in the first place. 

Couples that get back together without dealing with the issues that caused the breakup are at a much higher risk of relapsing into old behaviors and breaking up again because no effort was made to change those behaviors. 

When you listen to my podcast with Mark and Kylie, you’ll see that they represent a major success story as a couple. They broke up, got back together, and stayed together. 

That’s huge, and if your goal is to get back together with your partner after breaking up and strengthen your relationship as a team, you’ll want to hear what Mark and Kylie had to say…

The 5 Most Common Types of Fights in a Relationship – Jayson Gaddis – 335

Did you know there are only 5 types of fights you can have in your relationship?

The causes for them are more deeply rooted than you think… It’s true – if you want to be successful in your relationship you need to know how to identify them and work through them with your partner. Today’s episode is taken from chapter 13 of my book “Getting to Zero”. The entire book is about overcoming conflict in your relationship and this is just once aspect. 

Let’s take a deeper look…

Fight #1: The Surface Level Fight

A service level argument can usually spring forth from minor things – being late, not doing the dishes, not paying bills or you and your partner can’t decide on what Netflix movie to watch. As a result of that one of you makes a remark and it leads into a small fight so you shut down and remove yourself from the situation and need to be alone. 

What are you really fighting about? Maybe what really caused it was that picking the movie forced you both into the decision making process and it brought out some buried resentment. One small thing triggered a larger issue that is really resentment or your deep need to be understood in the relationship. Surface level arguments usually have a deeper reason and more layers to them.

Fight #2: Childhood Projections

We tend to project our historical stuff on to our partner. It’s common – when you get into an argument and the other person raises their voice – it activates you. Most of us feel activated when someone raises their voice at us. Where does that come from? Maybe your father was stern and often raised his voice. When someone screams at you, it subconsciously brings you back to your childhood. You can start to shut down or freeze and you can mirror this behavior because it’s how you responded to it as a child. It’s not just a partner – it can even be your boss or friend. This can be worked through, but it takes practice. 

Fight #3: Security Challenges 

Security challenges tend to happen when we question if our partner really has two feet in the relationship or not. This is where a lot of people get stuck. Fights can occur about the most minor things but it’s really due to you not being sure that the relationship is secure because you feel your partner isn’t truly committed. The work is to begin to establish security. The way to do that is to set up agreements that support security. 

Fight #4 Value Differences

This revolves around how well you and your partners values can intersect. Value differences can create big problems and as well as resentment. Maybe you value saving money and your partner values spending it. Now you are both frequently fighting about finances but really it’s due to a difference in values. They are super important to us and friction can happen when they are at odds. Ultimately there needs to be common ground between you both in order to get back to zero.

Fight #5 Resentment 

This is where things get tough for people… If you and your partner both resent each other and none of you are speaking or are able to learn how to overcome that conflict it will eventually erode the relationship and take trust away as well as connection. You won’t be able to get to zero at all because there is resentment at the core of everything. 

Summary: Remember, working through conflict is a skill and the way to get better is through practice. 

Overcoming Fear & Befriending Ourselves – Sharon Salzberg – 334

As someone who’s been a student, teacher, and practitioner of meditation for 47 years, Sharon Salzberg has been involved in the practice since long before meditation was widely known. After studying in India and under several experienced teachers, Sharon has gone on to write several books (something she never thought she could do) and teach meditation classes (something else she never thought she would do). That’s one of her big messages—that ultimately, you can do anything you want to do as long as you believe you can do it. 

Your Thoughts Aren’t Who You Are

Too often, we let our thoughts get in the way—of experiences, of achievements, of self-compassion. We all have that nagging voice inside our brains that tell us we can’t, we’re not good enough, we might as well quit, etc. In fact, Sharon has named her inner voice Lucy, as in Lucy from “Peanuts.” 

Giving your inner critic a persona, Sharon says, can help you learn how to relate to it. It’s important not to let that voice bully you, but neither should you resist or accept it. Being mindfully aware of that critic is the first step to objective awareness of it—recognizing that it’s there, but not judging it (or yourself for it). If you try to push Lucy away, Sharon says, Lucy will push back harder, and that only creates an internal battle that prevents us from knowing and loving ourselves. 

Bringing Meditation Principles into Relationships

Self-knowledge and self-acceptance are key to any healthy relationship. It’s just as important to have a healthy relationship with yourself as with someone else, and those are both ongoing processes and opportunities for growth. Being compassionate with yourself when you mess up, for example, is a great opportunity to learn and grow. After all, there really aren’t any benefits to beating yourself up over a mistake. 

If you think about it, it’s pretty difficult to have a healthy relationship with your partner when you’re constantly berating yourself. Most likely, you’re merciful with others when they make mistakes; why wouldn’t you have mercy on yourself? Practicing self-compassion allows you to move forward and be the person your partner needs in the relationship. 

Meditation 101

If you’re new to meditation or aren’t sure what it’s all about, it’s pretty simple. It starts with being aware of yourself—your body in space—and your breath. Notice your breathing and use it to center yourself, then begin to let go internally. 

You also make an active effort not to judge yourself and your feelings. You can notice and acknowledge what you feel, but don’t resist the feelings or try to get rid of them. It’s not about dismissing your thoughts or having no feelings. Allow yourself to be who and how you are—and not who you think you should be or how you should feel. The idea is to be comfortable within yourself, no matter what’s going on. That’s when you can acknowledge your inner voice, your own “Lucy,” and recognize that it’s there but you aren’t required to listen to it. 

Essentially, meditation is a state of mindful awareness, of being able to view your experience objectively without being emotionally attached to it. Once you learn and practice that state, it leads you to a calmer and more balanced place where you can be more present and kind to yourself and to others. 

You don’t necessarily have to sit on a cushion four hours a day to get the benefits—but feel free to if you’d like. You can incorporate mindfulness into daily activities that help you to be more present. Utilizing these principles (and the many others Sharon teaches) can go a long way toward your own growth and a healthy balance in your relationships. 

To learn more about relationships, go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Screen Time & Keeping Your Kids Safe Online – Devorah Heitner, Ph.D. – 333

How much screen time is safe for your kids? Further, how much should we monitor kids’ screen use, especially in a time when it’s necessary?

This week, I talk with Devorah Heitner of raisingdigitalnatives.com. Devorah is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World.

Each generation sees a rise in technology, and today’s kids—called “digital natives”—don’t understand what life would be like without it. For parents, this presents new challenges, especially considering the pandemic situation we’ve been in for a year now. How do we find that balance between letting kids be kids, getting our own work (plus their school) done, and keeping kids from becoming screen addicts? 

Kids and Digital Privacy   

The most important factor to consider in today’s Zoom world is privacy. While kids may not be aware of online privacy the same way adults are, they still understand it to a degree. For example, as Dr. Heitner notes, kids may forget that when they post something on Snapchat, it’s publicly available. While they may intend it for their friends, it’s out there for the world to see—and can potentially cause problems if they’re not careful.

Posting negative comments about a teacher, principal, or another student, for example, is something that kids may not think twice about. Yet they’ll feel “spied on” or “creeped out” if the teacher happens to see the post. It’s crucial to remind your kids that if they want something to stay private, send privately.

How Much Is Too Much? 

Tech boundaries can be difficult to set, even for ourselves. All around us, we see even the smallest of children with a screen in front of them. So what’s the “ideal” age to give your child a phone and let them have constant tech access? 

As Dr. Heitner mentions, it’s not just determined by the child’s age, but the child’s level of maturity and responsibility—and their reaction when asked to shut off the screen. If your child gets very reactive when told to turn it off, it may be time to start limiting screen use. You can also start slow and increase their access gradually.

It also comes down to entertainment versus boredom (and everything in between). If your child is using a screen to watch TV or play games nonstop, they won’t have much chance to get bored—and boredom is necessary to spark imagination. So allowing your child that opportunity to exercise their creativity will help their brain as well as their time and tech management. 

Don’t Forget Real Face Time

While Zoom, Skype, and FaceTime are a decent workaround for lack of direct contact, it’s important to remember the differences and remind kids of those. In the digital context, it’s much easier to type out whatever comes to mind, even if you wouldn’t say it to the person’s face—and it’s also easier to misinterpret what you read. It’s a good idea to remind kids that some conversations are better face-to-face, and even video can’t always substitute for that.  

For digital natives, it may be hard to distinguish what’s appropriate to type versus say, and it’s a good idea to model that behavior for your kids. Demonstrating healthy boundaries and not just telling them will give them something to follow while also helping you maintain your own. 

Let Them Be Themselves

And above all, stay true to yourself and allow your kids to do the same. When kids start acting different because they’re spending more time online, it might mean that they feel restricted in real life and like they can’t be themselves. Give them the freedom and space to be themselves wherever they are, and encourage them to stay that way through a healthy balance. 

To learn more about relationships, go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Two Ways to End a Relationship – Jayson Gaddis – 332

Did you know there are only two ways to end a relationship? 

That’s right—and I’m not talking about face-to-face versus phone/email/text/snail mail, although those do factor in, but it goes much deeper than that. 

When a relationship ends, it’s tough enough for both parties involved. Whether you’re breaking up with a partner, being fired by a boss (or firing an employee), losing a coworker or teammate…there are several reasons relationships can end, but you have two clear choices on how you’ll handle it.

The way you end a relationship and the ways relationships have ended for you in the past—whether you were on the ending or the receiving side of the cutoff—tells a lot about you and what’s going on inside. Sure, each of those feels different, but both situations are inevitable for everyone at some point in life, and you’re going to have to determine how to deal with each. 

If you want to discover a few things about yourself, think back on some past relationships that have ended and the way you’ve handled them. Think about both sides and what made a difference in the ones that ended well versus the ones that didn’t. 

In this podcast, I’m going to talk about direct and indirect ways of ending a relationship. What’s that mean? 

Direct, typically, comes from a place of respect. We all want to be respected, so by the same token, we should be willing to give respect to those in our lives. Respect comes from a place of self-awareness, personal security, and knowing what you need.

Directness means eye contact, explaining politely and respectfully, and not attacking the other person or their actions. A direct person will have spoken up about issues all along, so the break should not be a shock to the recipient. 

Indirect, on the other hand, stems from insecurity. When we take a pause to examine our motives, are our actions or reactions coming from a place of anger, hurt, or resentment? In those cases, we may end a relationship indirectly.

Indirectness usually looks like passive-aggressiveness, just passiveness, or just aggressiveness. If you find yourself wanting to leave the other person with a laundry list of their faults or the hurts you experienced, this is the place you’re coming from, and it’s truly not beneficial for either side. In this case, you’ve been allowing these injustices to build up, and you feel like getting that last “dig” in will make you feel better. 

It won’t—it’ll either leave things in a fragmented manner unnecessarily or reopen old wounds that will then have less of a chance to heal moving forward. And if the other person has told you respectfully and politely that they are ending the relationship, dumping months’ or years’ worth of hurt onto them will only force open a door they just closed. There’s no reason to do this if the relationship is ending anyway—if you value yourself, you can avoid the extra hurt by moving on (or, ideally, having spoken up all along the way).

It’s true that when you’re hurt, you want to hurt the person who hurt you. It’s human nature. But in the long run, it’s always more beneficial to end a relationship with respect and care. If you don’t, the pain will stick with you much longer—maybe even for the rest of your life. And that’s how you end up carrying it with you into the next relationship, and so on. 

So if you’re experiencing the end of a relationship, keep in mind the bigger picture. Treat the other person the way you want to be treated, and you’ll both end up in a better position.    

If you want to learn more about relationships, go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

A Personal Story Of Overcoming Mental Illness – Keith Kurlander – 331

This week, a very close friend Keith Kurlander joins me in a very inspiring discussion on mental health and overcoming mental illness. 

His story is beyond incredible. Seriously. I’ve actually never met anyone that has overcome mental illness so successfully. 

Keith is a true warrior. And, he’s a solid guide for others too. If you or someone you know struggles with mental health issues, this podcast is a must-listen.

What is mental health?

Mental health affects everyone. Similar to our physical health, we all have mental health. Mental health is the foundation that describes our overall psychological and emotional well-being. The influence of our life experiences impacts our mental wellness and emotional health and creates our mental health. 

Therefore, mental health is based on an individual’s state of well-being in which they realize their potential by having the ability to cope with the daily stresses of life while being productive and maintaining healthy relationships. 

What is mental illness?

Mental illness is when a person has been medically diagnosed with a mental health issue. When a person experiences significant changes in their thinking, emotions, and behavior that impacts their everyday life with functioning at work, school, and social settings, this is considered a mental illness.

For instance, a common mental illness is depression. When a person suffers from depression, they may withdraw from socializing with their friends and family. They might have problems at work and lose interest in their hobbies. 

Since depression is the most common mental illness affecting men and women of all ages in the United States, many people seek integrative approaches to mental health and depression. 

What’s the difference between mental health and mental illness? 

Mental health and mental illness are connected, but they are two separate things.  

Mental illness is when someone experiences significant disruptions in their lives and it affects their emotions, behavior, and thought process. Usually, a person has been diagnosed with a mental illness by a medical practitioner such as a psychiatrist or psychologist and is undergoing therapy. 

On the other hand, mental health refers to our general mental well-being and includes our level of contentment and joy in our relationships, our self-esteem, and how well we cope with life’s challenges and stressful events.

The main difference is that mental health changes are based on an individual’s life experience. While mental illness describes a specific mood, anxiety, or psychotic disorder such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder that affects a person’s ability to function properly in everyday settings. 

Three things you can do to improve your mental health

When it comes to maintaining our mental health, self-care is important to practice. Here are three things you can do now to improve your mental health. 

Start a journal 

I suggest starting a journal and when you are feeling overwhelmed write down what is triggering your stress. Read it after a few days or a week and see if you feel the same. Many people find writing down their thoughts or what they are grateful for improves their mood. 

Get enough sleep

Getting at least 8 hours of sleep energizes your brain cells and repairs your hearts and blood vessels. There’s nothing better than getting a good night’s rest when you know it optimizes your health. 

Maintain a well-balanced diet 

Maintaining a well-balanced diet with nutritious food is something easy you can do to improve your mental health. For example, salmon, berries, and whole grains have antioxidants and minerals that release endorphins in your brain and decrease stress, anxiety, and depression.

If you want to learn even more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.