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Helping Teen Girls Thrive – Johannah Reimer – 501

 

Ellen Boeder interviews Johannah Reimer to find out how women can help teen girls. They discuss the unique problems that teen girls face today, the evolutionary mismatch between the environments we evolved in and modern life, the importance of doing hard things and Johannah’s Girls Group Facilitator Training, “Pathways to Womanhood”which is about guiding and supporting girls on their journey to womanhood.

Johannah is a soulcentric educator, ceremonialist, teen mentor, and an artist of many trades. Trained as a Waldorf teacher, Johannah has been working with children of all ages for over 20 years and holds a particular passion for tweens/teens striving to meet their developmental needs for mentorship and initiation in a culture that has forgotten how to do so. An apprentice of visionaries: Sage Hamilton and Melissa Michaels of SOMA Source, Johannah has worked for many years as a Waldorf teacher under the guidance of her elder Sage, and as an embodied leader for international youth in movement based Rites of Passage with Golden Bridge & Golden Girls Global.

Timestamps:

  • 5:33 – Johannah’s path to becoming an educator
  • 13:19 – Why create girls’ groups
  • 26:56 – Evolutionary mismatch
  • 30:20 – The value of doing hard things
  • 34:22 – Becoming an entrepreneur
  • 37:55 – What will people take from the training?
  • 43:26 – Advice for teenage girls

Links:

7 Signs of the Spiritual Narcissist and How to Know if They Are Truly Healing – Jayson Gaddis – 476

 

Jayson explores the seven revealing signs of spiritual narcissism and the journey to authentic transformation. Join Jayson for insights into recognizing these behaviors in spiritual narcissists, from lingo mastery to their struggle with attachment work. Learn how to distinguish genuine growth and see when a spiritual seeker becomes an empowered, empathetic individual.

Timestamps:

  • 3:57 – Seven signs of the spiritual narcissist
  • 4:42 – Talking the talk without walking the walk
  • 5:54 – Unsuccessful long-term relationships
  • 6:37 – Recreating the family of origin
  • 7:25 – A lack of empathy
  • 8:05 – Fear of attachment
  • 9:19 – Refusing to do the work
  • 10:47 – How do you know if they’re changing?

Links:

Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Conflict? – Jayson And Ellen – 366

 

Conflict is almost always a growth opportunity, and you’re going to experience it in every relationship. But is it possible to have too much conflict in your relationship? If so, how do you know you’ve reached that point—and what can you do about it? Check out this week’s episode, where Ellen and I give our perspectives on the subject.

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The 9 Most Common Relationship Mistakes And What To Do Instead

The 9 Most Common Relationship Mistakes And What To Do Instead

During the honeymoon phase of any relationship, we are all very smart. It’s hard to do anything wrong because it all feels so damn good. It’s one big puppy pile and puppy piles are pretty damn easy.

 

But once the metaphorical beer goggles wear off and you sober up to the reality that your partner is a real pain in the ass, it’s a whole new ball game. And, if you bring your “know-it-all” attitude to the table, you’re pretty much screwed.

 

So, instead of thinking you know how relationships work this year, let’s assume that you are making at least 5 of these mistakes and that you have something to learn.

 

Why admit to these mistakes?

 

By admitting you suck at long-term relationship, you are humble enough to learn a new way. In fact, after reading these mistakes, I’ll give you one, and only one, tip to change turn every single one of these mistakes around.  

 

But first, let’s discuss the most common 9 mistakes you’ve probably made before, and are likely to repeat again, if you don’t get your shit together.

 

Mistake 1: You never learned

 

Whenever I teach a relationship class or workshop I ask people to raise their hands if they took a formal class on how to do an intimate relationship. Not one hand goes up.

 

So, when you don’t learn, you do what you’ve always done, which often doesn’t go that well. Imagine traveling into an unknown wilderness area with no map, no compass, no gear, and no water. If you did that, you’d most certainly die and that’s what happens to your relationships without the tools to go the distance.

 

Mistake 2: You still believe the fairy tale.

 

You are a sucker for a happy ending, right? But rarely does a relationship go like Hollywood portrays it. You confuse the real work of love with infatuation and expect to stay infatuated and feeling “good” forever. When in reality, like a toke of that good Colorado weed, it just doesn’t last.

 

Couples who chase a fantasy, get chased by dread until they embrace what a real, raw relationship is actually like. Let’s stop waiting for Prince Charming or Cinderella.

 

Want a fairy tale ending? Go watch a sappy movie instead.

 

Mistake 3: Not understanding how relationships actually work.

 

Most of us have no idea about the secret magic of intimacy.

You don’t get that an adult relationship will re-create some version of your childhood home and that through this process, you can not only heal your past, but you can also become a more empowered, mature adult.

 

You also don’t understand adult attachment very welLikeIke it or not, your partner becomes your parent and vice versa. Your job is to learn how to play this in a way that creates a really safe and secure foundation, without compromising who you are. This dance is complex and involves two mature adults who will take really good care of each other, just like if you had a hurt little boy or girl in your arms.

 

Smart couples understand how relationships work and take really good care of each other.

 

Mistake 4: We keep hoping our partner will change and we expect them to be like us.

 

Perhaps the dumbest move on the planet, yet so completely understandable, is to keep trying to get your partner to do life like you do. From loading the dishwasher to managing their money, the seduction is to try to get relief by making your partner conform to your way.

 

The basic message you send when you are trying to ‘help’ your partner by trying to change them is a message that communicates “I don’t love and accept you as you are,” which of course drives a really big wedge between you two. Want more tension? Try to change them.

 

Mistake 5: Not working on it like a beast.

 

Somewhere in the relationship you got complacent and didn’t work on it because you stubbornly think you should already know how. Or you think a good relationship shouldn’t be this hard.

 

I know, pretty dumb right? But if you think about it, you’ve been sold a bullshit message that a good relationship should just feel good and be easy (back to mistake #1). Remember, if you don’t work on the garden, the weeds take over. But it’s amazing how many people think they know how to garden when they really don’t. Or you expect the crops to give you food without getting your hands dirty in the shit and compost.

 

Great athletes don’t become great without guidance, coaching and rigorous practice. Why are intimate relationships any different?

 

The old adage is, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” can work when you are talking about an old Subaru that still runs after 200,000 miles. But do you want to be driving your marriage like an old rusty Subaru? Or do you want to keep up with the ever evolving nature of the technology of our psychology by continually learning what it takes to build an inspired, thriving, nourishing partnership?

 

Mistake 6: Not being able to work your shit out.

 

Piggy backing on Mistake 5, is your unwillingness or inability to work out your differences.

Since no one ever formally taught you how to work out a conflict and how to truly understand another person in a way that works for them, you resort to the low hanging fruit of whatever was modeled to you by the people around you as you developed. So whatever you got growing up is what you will orient to and what you will re-create.

 

Do you really want to resort to the same habitual patterns or do you want to grow up and finally learn how to work through interpersonal challenges in order to reach win-win?

 

Mistake 7: You don’t know how to be with your triggers.

 

Building off Mistake 6, when you are incapable of being with your emotional reactivity and sensory overload you feel in your bodies during our fight, flight, freeze response, you say and do, stupid shit. It’s that simple.

 

It is said that the single biggest reason people get divorced is “arousal dysregulation.” In other words you don’t know how to “be with” your upsetting experience in a mature way when triggered.

 

Like it or not, relationship success is governed by the central nervous system. If you can’t learn how to work with your own reactivity and your partner’s reactivity, you’re kinda doomed.

 

Mistake 8: Blame.

 

We humans can’t help but blame others. It’s just part of our nature and it’s a natural stage of human development. Yet for most of us, we have a hard time growing beyond the blaming stage. And once you settle in for a few years in a committed long-term partnership, you probably struggle to not blame your partner or blame yourself when the relationship challenges arise.

 

On the other hand, if you choose to grow you learn to own and take responsibility for your mistakes when you hurt your partner’s feelings. This goes a long way. If you can’t escape blame, your ship will sink before you reach the big open water and adventure that awaits.

 

Mistake 9: Agreeing with your fear.

 

Fear is part of the territory in an intimate relationship. To deny our fear puts you back in your stubborn-ass-self who makes all the mistakes above. “Afraid? I’m not afraid of intimacy or closeness!” Yeah right. I said that too….

 

But here’s the deal…

 

In a long-term relationship there comes a point when you will be scared to be yourself for fear of upsetting your partner. That’s often what happened in your family of origin. You hold back, play nice, and withhold the real truth from your mate. This of course leads to affairs, tension, and huge resentments because you tell yourself such lies as “You’re not letting me be me.”

 

Instead, work with your fear and learn to lean into it and learn from it. How about going toward whatever you are afraid of instead of playing games or running away?

 

Okay then, those are the 9, very human, mistakes you will likely repeat unless….

You do one simple thing:

 

Learn.

 

That’s right. Be a student. Be willing to learn what you don’t know about having an intimate relationship with another human being. Try taking the class you never got in school. Then let’s see where that takes you. Deal?

 

Start learning here.

How Attachment Impacts Kids’ Behavior in Modern Culture

Changes in parenting styles over time, even within the last twenty years, have led to changes in kids’ behavior and emotional health. Choosing healthy parenting methods is a must in order to develop strong relationships with your kids and help them learn to understand boundaries and respond to challenges. Attachment-based parenting involves creating an environment where kids feel safe and trust that the people around them will meet their needs, which helps them learn to show the same type of respect for others. 

Changes in Kids’ Behavior in the Classroom

Many teachers and other adults have noticed that modern kids tend not to adhere to boundaries as closely as they did even twenty years ago. Although all kids are different, certain patterns have emerged that indicate that many kids are more distracted, less respectful, less able to listen in class, and less likely to follow classroom rules than they were in the past. Many of these changes are likely related to changes in parenting methods, which may impact how kids view their relationships with adults.  

Increase in Mental Health Conditions in Kids and Teens

In addition to obvious changes in behavior, many kids and teens are experiencing more mental health issues than they did in the past. Anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems have skyrocketed among kids and teens in the last twenty years, and approximately ten million kids and teens under age 17 are currently taking medication for these conditions. These mental health challenges can often be linked to behavior problems, especially among teens.

Decrease in Resilience in Kids and Teens

Kids and teens also seem to be struggling with resilience more than they did in the past, which can make school, work, relationships, independence, and life in general more difficult. Decreased resilience may also make overcoming depression, anxiety, and struggles with identifying boundaries more challenging, Although resilience is difficult to quantify, studying how kids develop resilience may identify ways that parenting decisions when they are young can impact them throughout their lives. 

Scientific Relationships Between Attachment and Behavior Challenges

Although it is difficult to scientifically study exactly how kids’ behavior has changed and pinpoint exactly what is causing it, many scientific surveys and statistics have indicated data-backed patterns related to differences in kids’ behavior, resilience, and mental health over the last twenty years. While it is a stretch to say without a doubt that parents are negatively affecting their kids, science does support correlations between changes in parenting methods and changes in average behavior among large groups of kids.  

Impact of Parenting Methods on Behavior

Parenting methods, especially during the formative years, can have a significant impact on how kids view the world and themselves throughout childhood and into adulthood. In an effort to avoid fear-based parenting and make their kids like them more, modern parents may inadvertently make life more difficult for their kids by not teaching them enough about respect and boundaries from an early age.

Healthy attachment-based parenting utilizes mutual trust and respect as a foundation for understanding boundaries and proper behavior, rather than avoiding teaching these concepts, and children who do not have a sense of trust in and respect for the people around them often struggle to learn these concepts on their own. Many mental health problems in kids can also be linked to not having a solid understanding of what is expected of them and their place in their families, schools, and the world.  

Research shows that kids who have what is called a “secure attachment” with their parents do better in just about every area of life. Read the work of Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson or listen to a podcast here. 

At The Relationship School, we are committed to helping parents learn how to build strong relationships with their children. Making intentional parenting decisions from the time your children are born is key when it comes to helping them develop proper behavior and healthy relationships of their own later on. Contact us today to learn more about how attachment-based parenting can help your kids thrive!

Click here to listen to the full podcast on the topic of attachment-based parenting.

The 4 Pillars of Attachment Based Parenting

Attachment based parenting consists of four distinct pillars that help kids develop healthy relationships with their parents and other adults. Kids who believe their parents are safe people to talk to and be around, feel seen and understood by their parents, and are soothed instead of ignored when they do have problems develop a secure attachment to their parents that builds their resilience and helps them succeed in life. Although it is important to remember that no parent will perfectly reach these ideals and mistakes will always be made, solid attachment based parenting ensures kids that you will be there to support them when they need it. 

So, what are the 4 pillars of attachment based parenting? These are mildly adapted from Dr Dan Siegel, one of the leading authorities on attachment science and relationships. 

Safety 

First and foremost, attachment based parenting is built on making sure our kids have what they need to survive and thrive. Protecting children and helping them form healthy relationships with parents and other adults, rather than fearing them, helps kids feel safe at home, at school, and in life. Misguided attempts at having difficult conversations while parents are still angry can inadvertently trigger a fear response, and seeing parents as people to be feared instead of to attach to can confuse kids and cause them to want to avoid talking to their parents about problems in the future. 

Seen

Kids need to know that their parents understand what they are thinking, rather than only what they physically see. It is important to remember that kids view many situations differently than adults do, and letting them know that you “see” what they feel helps them learn to think about what they are feeling and feel secure in knowing that you are willing to understand what they are thinking about. This “mindsight” helps kids improve their ability to manage their emotions in a healthy way to build their resilience and ability to relate to others. 

Soothed

This pillar emphasizes the importance of letting kids know their feelings are valid. By taking the time to deeply listen to what your kids want to tell you, rather than simply hearing it, you can respond calmly and rationally. Being a dependable parent that your kids know they can count on to be there to support and soothe them when they need it helps them develop the ability to work through minor problems on their own instead of always having to ask for help or needing another person to help them feel better. It also reassures them that you will be willing to listen when they do have significant problems they need help with. 

Supported & Challenged

Finally, children must feel supported and challenged. Support means the parent believes in who the child fundamentally is. Challenged means that the parent can hold consistent boundaries as well as pushing children to stretch their comfort zones and grow in every area of their life. 

Secure relationships between parents and children build trust and strong communication that allow families to work through problems together. No parent will get everything right all the time. However, admitting and reflecting upon mistakes helps kids understand that missteps in these areas do not have to lead to fear and keeps the lines of communication open to talk about future misunderstandings before they become bigger problems.

At The Relationship School, we prioritize helping parents learn to develop healthy attachment based relationships with their children. Kids who feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported and challenged (the 4 pillars of secure attachment) develop security in who they are and in their relationships with their parents, which helps them build resilience, confidence, and the ability to form healthy relationships with others in the future. This model also helps them develop the ability to calmly discuss mistakes in these areas and other problems, rather than automatically getting defensive or excessively angry. 

Contact us today to learn more about building healthy attachment based relationships with your kids!  

Want to listen to our full podcast on attachment-based parenting? Click here.