The most essential human need (after the basic survival needs) is to be loved – to feel loved and accepted as we are. So many people go on for years wanting love and not knowing how to get it or advocate for it. They end up feeling perpetually frustrated, unloved, and unfulfilled. There is another way…
Do you actually know what you need from your partner to feel loved?
Do you speak up and ask for it?
Or do you keep hoping your partner will somehow figure it out or change or express love like you do?
Don’t do this!
You will only frustrate more and create tension when what you really want is connection.
Instead, be proactive. Learn. Explore. Inquire. And share.
When it comes to feeling loved you might be speaking different languages.
Did you watch the short video? Are you this man? Do you show love this way?
Or, is this your man? If so, he’s probably showing his love in the way that he learned through his conditioning and upbringing. We all do this. We make choices based on our values and preferences largely influenced by the way we were raised.
And when you partner with someone, you join your values with theirs. This is where things can get tricky (and sticky).
One of you values work, while the other values connection. One of you expresses love by doing things and the other through touch and conversation. You’re speaking different languages! Simple right?
But painful when you forget this.
This inability to communicate in each other’s values causes you to feel missed, misunderstood, uncared for, and unloved. And if you cannot find a way to learn each other’s values you will remain caught in a struggle.
So what can you do? Acknowledge and advocate.
Take off your blinders of blame, resentment, or judgment and start to see how your partner shows his love. It may be different from your way. Be curious. Get to know what matters to your guy and what love looks like in his language. See if you can acknowledge him and understand what he cares about and how that translates into his expression of love – for you.
At the same time get clear about what works for you. Own it. Communicate that to your partner to educate him about your way and your needs. If you want more emotional connection from him, teach him about why that matters to you and celebrate him when he’s offering it.
This may feel incredibly uncomfortable. Growth often is.
Be willing to get vulnerable. Be willing to speak up for what works for you. Let yourself be seen and known in this way.
Remember that in a mutual relationship, both of you are invested in learning how to love each other as best as you can. This not only strengthens the relationship, it creates the kind of safety where feelings of being accepted and loved can blossom.
As you get to know each other’s values and language, the conversation and relationship can deepen. And you can actually feel loved in a way that speaks to you!
Still not sure what to do? Join The Relationship School® to learn how to deal with your differences.
This might be totally unrelated but I have to get it out there. My love language is attention, communication / connection. I have a question for you. My hubby and I often have the discussion/argument about why men share 100’s of dirty and/or naked pics of usually photo shopped women each and every day with each other. Really bombarding each other with this. If I ask my girlfriends how they feel about this trend, if that’s the right word, we all have one thing in common about how this makes us feel and that is that we feel not good enough (and no it is not a self worth thing), that if our husbands / boyfriends were happy with us, they would not have this “need” to look at other erotic, naked women mostly in compromising positions and otherwise, if you know what I mean. The “that’s how men are hardwired” just seems like an easy and convenient excuse. I mean what did men do 100 years ago.
I am happy and fulfilled with and by my man and really do not have the need to look at other men in that way. I have googled “why are men attracted to porn” but cannot find an acceptable answer to my question, because these google sites basically deal with porn addiction and that is not what I am talking about. This is not about third rate porn movies. I am talking about the 100’s of pics that men share with each other throughout the day (thank you smart phone). I just want a simple acceptable answer. I mean can you imagine what would happen if the shoe were on the other foot? My husband is in general much more possessive and jealous than I am and I can tell you that he would probably not tolerate me looking at pics of gorgeous men with stunning six packs, even though he says that he would not have problem if I would. They would feel inadequate as if they can’t live up to our standards. Because, by doing the aforementioned, that is how men make us feel.
My argument is this, I am inclined to say, that, if those pics are so hot and erotic and sexy and and and and, and to a man and he can’t live without it, then go get that girl, see if you can find her and if you do, whether or not she is interested in you is a different story and leave me the hell alone. I mean how fucking (sorry, but I know you will understand) boring can one’s life be that you need to spice it up with shit like mentioned above? I am obviously not getting the male psyche.
I look forward to your answer to help me clear this up and to understand as I find it really hard to fathom. NO there is nothing wrong with my self image, self worth etc . Like I said to my husband this morning, here I am reading Jason’s advice and more on how to improve our relationship etc and he is looking at naked women whenever a friend sends him a pic. Why should I even bother then.
hi Petra, I apologise for the delay in my reply.
It sounds like a tough situation and I’m moved to share a couple of episodes with you where Jayson directly discusses porn incase its helpful:
1- https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/will-porn-ruin-my-relationship-sc-163/
2- https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/porn-and-relationships-gary-wilson-sc-171/
3- https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/jayson-gaddis-how-porn-impacts-real-intimacy-and-real-relationships/ (something he wrote in 2012 that came up in my search)
Addiction to porn can be a much broader issue than fetishism and sexual proclivities and at the root has a lot to do with how we raise our boys, teach them (unintentionally) to shut down their feelings, which often results in escapism (dissociation) and in this way addiction to porn can be considered a defense mechanism a lot more than complex than simply sexual arousal and HIGHLY WORTHY of our curiosity and compassion in the ways we contribute, as women, to this dynamic (in my opinion).
I hope my response helps, and if you’re interested in speaking directly with Jayson I suggest you write a message in the Community Facebook Group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/therelationshipschool) where he may respond directly, or maybe do a follow up AMA: Ask Me Anything episode (which he and Ellen do every so often). .
Thanks for listening =)