Hours of Operation: Monday - Friday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm MST
Hours of Operation: Monday - Friday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm MST
Select Page

How to Deal With The Distancer-Pursuer Dynamic (Part 1) – SC 71

By Jayson
September 28, 2016

Apple Podcast buttonGoogle Podcast button   One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. What is going on here and how do you deal with a partner who needs a lot or one who is distancing. In the first of our two part series, Ellen and I help the pursuers (connectors) understand and deal with your distancing partner. SHOWNOTES

  • What is the pursuer/distancer dynamic? [10:30]
  • What’s going on with the distancer when they are asking for time and space? [12:30]
  • What 2 things do you need to balance when dealing with someone who is distancing. [17:30]
  • The single focus trap that pursuers can fall into. [21:30]
  • How time agreements can make re-connecting easier. [25:30]
  • The positive side of being someone who is a distancer? [26:30]
  • Quick review of the 5 tips [28:00]
  • How this dynamic can be different in a marriage vs dating. [29:00]
  • Jayson’s action step for the listener [33:00]





  1. Elena Sartore

    Very good. .. I am the distanced and i feel scared and very emotional .
    So I need some space to look at things from a different prospective. .. and heal myself.
    My pursuer is getting frustrated and angry.
    You are right I need to communicate in some way that I need some space. A good glance at him and he will understand…

    • meg@relationshipschool.com

      hi Elena, thanks for owning how you show up in relationship, really nice self-awareness. It sounds like you’re learning some tools on how to express your care while in the midst of an avoidant-flare-up. I imagine if you keep listening to the podcast you’ll glean more and more tools that will support your development. Thank you for sharing and listening =)

  2. Ashley

    Totally me, and my situation



  1. What I am learning about communication and relationships studying AI | Wenda aan het Werk - […] https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-deal-with-the-distancer-pursuer-dynamic-part-1-sc-71/https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-deal-with-the-distancer-pursuer-dynamic-part-2-sc-72/ […]
  2. When Your Partner Doesn’t Need Anything - Jayson Gaddis and Ellen Boeder - 330 - The Relationship School® - […] talked about attachment styles in previous podcasts on distancer/pursuer dynamics. This subject is very similar. We want to unpack…

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Listen more podcast episodes

Popular Podcasts

Contact Us

PO BOX 7217
+1 510-775-2289
[email protected]

Share This