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How to Deal With The Distancer-Pursuer Dynamic (Part 2) – SC 72

By Jayson
October 5, 2016

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Do you want more connection while your partner wants more space? One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. In the second of our two-part series, Ellen and I help the distancers understand and deal with your pursuing partner.


  • What does it mean to the distancer with a pursuer partner? [7:00]
  • Is the pursuer really being needy when they want attention from a distancer? [10:00]
  • The link between a pursuer and their childhood relationship with their caregiver. [12:30]
  • A better way to ask for space. [15:00]
  • Why the pursuer can be an MVP in a long-term relationship. [19:30]
  • Jayson’s action step for the listener [23:00]





  1. Nokomis

    Hi, I just listened to your podcasts on distancer/pursuer dynamics. I found them very helpful. I am definitely a distancer and my partner the pursuer. I think we’ve got a pretty clear view on this in our relationship. My question is what do I do when every time I turn towards or show any affection to my pursuer he just wants sex? Thats the only plan he ever wants to make with me. I try and attend to this need but frankly as attracted as I am to him it makes me want to run. What can we do to change this dynamic?Cheers, Nokomis

  2. Sarah

    I appreciate this two part episode so much. I find that I identify with both distancer and pursuer at times, but mainly am the pursuer. I shift into distancer when I feel my voiced needs are not heard or when my partner becomes defensive. I love the idea of naming why the distancer is needing the space and setting time limits to how much the distancer needs to come back and talk. I will be trying out those 5 points on both!

    • meg@relationshipschool.com

      Thanks for sharing this Sarah, glad its landing and thanks for listening

  3. Bec

    What if you’re with a Pursuer who wakes up one morning and distances from you when you didn’t see that coming -while dating?
    Totally Confused.

    • meg@relationshipschool.com

      Hi Bec, I think more information is needed for this question to be able to give you a proper answer, or better yet might be the basis of a really good session or connection with a Relationship Coach who could unpack the nuances of this dynamic with you. check out https://relationshipschool.com/myrelationshipcoach/ – sorry I don’t have a better answer for you in this moment. Thanks for listening and hope you’re well – Meg



  1. What I am learning about communication and relationships studying AI | Wenda aan het Werk - […] https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-deal-with-the-distancer-pursuer-dynamic-part-1-sc-71/https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-deal-with-the-distancer-pursuer-dynamic-part-2-sc-72/ […]

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