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Partner Not Meeting Your Sexual Needs – SC 105

By Jayson
March 12, 2017

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Is it okay to go outside the marriage to get your sexual needs met? While this may seem like a straightforward answer, it’s amazing to me how many folks ask this question who are having affairs. When is this okay and when is it not okay? Listen in for my opinions on the matter.


Question: I’m finally reading Mating in Captivity and it appears that I have a successful life partnership with my husband who I love deeply and care about, but enjoy a better sexual match with another man. The other man is not gender specific in our intimacy, which I am happy with, and is very emotionally available, whereas my husband is not.  I’m feeling unhappy about the infidelity (sounds better than ‘cheating’) that the affair causes, but at the same time, don’t want it to end or my marriage to finish.  
As selfish as this is, I’m ok with it.  What does it mean when we go outside the cultural confines to get our non-negotiable needs met?

  • Are you justifying an affair with bullshit? [4:00]
  • The definition of a successful life partnership [6:00]
  • Learning to be our neurotic, weird, true selves in relationship [9:00]
  • If you’re not getting your sexual needs met, here’s what to do [11:00]




  1. Fran

    Thank you. Clear and honest answer! I love your candor. However I was under the impression this podcast episode was going to give insight on how to address to my spouse that I’m not getting my needs met in the bedroom, without it being awkward. Awkward really after 30 years, you would think we could talk about sex, he doesn’t about anything, and least of all sex. We are working on learning to communicate on a deeper level but he says he is closed off from me emotionally and he likes it that way. Unfortunately I only connected to him thru sex but as soon as he is done, I feel utterly empty inside like I abandon myself by sharing my body with a man who sees no need and has no desire to reconnect emotionally but refuses to tell me what I did to hurt him that made him disconnect. But has made it clear that I did do something, and it was quite a long time ago, that hurt him and that caused him to disconnect. I felt it when he did and I have sought to find what I did since way back then. He used to say I did nothing and everything was fine between us, I was just worrying about nothing. He recently admitted to me that in fact when I asked years ago he lied he didn’t want to tell me. Still wont. I feel like I have been set up to fail as how can I possibly not do whatever it was I did if I don’t know what it was? I know I didn’t break my wedding vows so I really in the dark. I did however make it clear that sharing emotionally intimate information and connection with females coworkers that he didn’t share with me and wasn’t going to was not only hurtful but it was also a form of infidelity, he rolled his eyes and said whatever. I love him but he is killing me with silent warfare and I’m sure how much more I can take as it is literally destroying my health. Then there the fact that I betray myself every time we have sex, which isn’t and over quickly, he only ever initiates when he has a morning woody. So lonely. He says he still wants the marriage and claims he is willing to work on it but wont commit to setting aside time to do anything like the marriage assessment questionnaire or listen to a podcast. Or even look at me if we sit and try to talk. Or commit to set aside regular time to do something together. I spend much of my time working on myself esteem and discovering who I am and finding helpful information on marriage through your site and a couple others, he spends his on video games. He said what I did years ago he forgave and let go but that cant be true because if it were he would desire to reconnect, he has no desire to do so, he actually was able to tell me this.The one coworker he spent so much time investing in emotionally ended up getting married and no longer engages in that way, I asked myself years ago and sometimes still if I had forgiven him even though he saw no problem with their “friendship” that he tried several times to hide and said he wasn’t seeing anymore but he lied and something always turned up even though I wasn’t even looking for it, I didn’t need to I could feel he was lying. I realized that yes in fact I did forgive him, the evidence was when I saw he was grieving*(not in the traditional sense of crying but in a silent lonely longing way as he poured over her social media page) the loss of their intimate “friendship” and instead of being angry or bitter or really even being hurt, but rather I grieved silently with him because I knew the pain he was in I had lived with it for the many years they were emotionally connected and we were not. It breaks my heart that he feel in love with her but it breaks my heart even more that he wouldn’t be honest with me or even himself about it and just cut me loose back then we might have both had a chance to be loved by someone who could truly love each of us. Not to say that I don’t love him, do but it is clearly unrequited and very one sided. I still don’t understand why he stayed, I loved him enough back then and still to give him his freedom without trying to guilt him or shame him or playing games with our kids who have grown and gone several years ago. When i have asked if he still loves me and if he still wants me, us, he can’t even say the word “yes” but instead says ” I’m still here aren’t I” and yet he hates it when I ask a question that he won’t answer so I tell him what I feel his no answer means and he says “don’t put words in my mouth” he can’t have it both ways. He seems to thing he can have everything both ways. Thanks for hearing my pain, he no longer want to hear anything from me, good or bad.

    • meg@relationshipschool.com

      Dear Fran, it sounds like you have been dealing with stonewalling for quite some time, which is incredibly difficult to show up and do your work in a relationship with someone who isn’t telling you whats really happening for them. I hope that the situation has found a peaceful resolution for you both, maybe you got some help with a third party coach or couples therapist, or at the very least you have reached out to someone who can hear you and validate your experience. I apologize it took so long to reply to your comments, and I hope that you are still a part of our community and have mended your heart however you’ve been able to. Warmly, Meg



  1. How do I know when I’m ready for sex? - The Relationship School® - […] What to do when your partner isn’t meeting your sexual needs? […]

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