Why do so many men use porn? What is it doing for them?
I think it’s obvious that porn can ruin your relationship, but what’s not so obvious is why so many men use porn. What is going on inside the male brain.
I have my own theories but I wanted to hear from THE porn expert on this…
Here are a few of the highlights:
SHOWNOTES
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About Gary [5:00]
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The link between chronic erectile dysfunction and porn use [11:00]
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How do you know when porn use is a problem? [13:00]
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Can people use porn in a healthy way? [16:00]
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Why are people using porn? [19:00]
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How many women are watching porn? [23:00]
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Religion and porn [22:00]
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When men use porn for ‘stress relief’ [27:00]
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How internet porn is shaping our sexuality [36:00]
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How to heal porn addiction through relationship [48:00]
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HELPFUL LINKS
GUEST BIO
Gary Wilson is presenter of the popular TEDx talk ‘The Great Porn Experiment,’ which has been viewed more than 9 million times, and translated into 18 languages. He is also the author of a popular book, Your Brain On Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction. He hosts the website ‘Your Brain On Porn’, which was created for those seeking to understand and reverse compulsive porn use: http://yourbrainonporn.com. He taught anatomy and physiology for years and has long been interested in the neurochemistry of addiction, mating and bonding. In 2015 the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health presented Wilson with its Media Award for outstanding media contributions and public education on pornography addiction. In 2016, Wilson coauthored an academic paper with 7 US Navy doctors entitled, “Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports” and another journal article entitled, “Eliminate Chronic Internet Pornography Use to Reveal Its Effects.” He donates his share of the proceeds from his book to a registered charity that is endeavoring to raise awareness about internet porn’s unprecedented effects.
I would much rather have sex with my long-term partner of 8 years than use porn, but especially after we had children (now 2 and 4 years old) she sees no need for sex anymore, in spite of how me and several couples therapists have talked with her about how necessary it is to keep the relationship healthy.
When I try to share thoughts with her, she acts like it’s my problem that she doesn’t want to be sexual, and that it’s normal not to be sexual in a long-term relationship. I have had moments of anger as a result of feeling disregarded and isolated, which she now uses against me, like I don’t deserve it or something. I really want to keep my family together, but she seems very inflexible and feels justified to the point that she refuses to go to any more couples therapy and says that Jayson Gaddis teachings, when I have shared them with her “don’t work for her”.
I basically use porn a couple of times a week to stay physically and sexually healthy, since we have gone many months at a time without sexual connection. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks!
Sounds to me like she’s ignoring your needs which is disrespecting your partner. When one partner’s needs are not met, needs that are important, relationships suffer, struggle, and often crumble. If sex is important to you and it rarely happens in your relationship, you need to decide if you want to stay in that relationship.
Robert,
I’m sorry you are going through a sexual disconnection with your wife. That has got to be so challenging on so many levels. I would suggest not using porn when masturbating, because of exactly what Gary talks about on this episode AND if your wife knows or suspects your viewing porn that might make matters worse. I happen to have (and have always had) a strong, healthy sex drive, but whenever I caught my (past) lover using porn – it was the biggest turn-off of any I’ve ever experienced. Many women won’t admit that is the case, but it affects them psychologically in this way. Porn undermines female sexuality in so many ways, men’s too. So masturbate without porn is my suggestion, and if you can’t, that is problematic and you may want to seek treatment from a good counselor. Men should be able to masturbate without porn or external imagery and if they can’t they need to rewire/recondition so they can.
Thanks for sharing your opinions and experience here, and for listening to the podcast =)
Hi Robert, thanks for sharing these details. Sounds like a tough situation indeed. If Jayson’s work isn’t landing for her, perhaps she may connect with Esther Perel’s work? (https://www.estherperel.com/) She is a female psychotherapist who specializes in domestic-long-term-partnership and sexuality. I also hear that your needs are very clear and it sounds like she’s not willing to budge, perhaps if you want to maintain the marriage it may be fruitful to discuss opening the marriage? Normally my response would be to seek couples therapy or coaching, but it sounds like she isn’t open to that any longer. I am sorry I didn’t see this comment sooner, and am moved by the multiple responses from other listener’s your post inspired. Feel free to update us on the situation and thanks again for sharing, and listening.