In this lively episode, Bryan Franklin and Jennifer Russell lay bare the inner-workings of their extraordinary relationship. And it truly is extraordinary! Bryan and Jennifer share how they came together and worked to build their relationship from the ground up. We get into specifics and details that I think you will find extremely helpful and enlightening here. Bryan and Jennifer also tease us with a few of their “extraordinary-relationship principles”, the rock-solid foundations of their partnership. If you resonate with the idea of relationship designed to optimize the evolution of each individual, then you will love this episode. Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know your thoughts!
SHOWNOTES:
- Bryan shares a vulnerable realization from his first marriage [4:30]
- Jennifer shares her own early relationship struggles [8:00]
- A powerful wedding vow [10:30]
- Guys: don’t view your partners as “roadies” [12:15]
My identity is the thing that’s fluid in this relationship, but what’s fixed is what I committed to. – Jennifer
- How does Jennifer define intimacy? [15:30]
- A founding principle of an “extraordinary relationship” [20:30]
- Another extraordinary-relationship principle in action [24:00]
- What Brian and Jennifer do to better their future selves in relationship [31:00]
- The process Bryan and Jennifer use when they are triggered in conflict [33:45]
I consider it my job as a woman to both see him as presently perfect and to surrender to the future version of myself that he sees…And he does the same. – Jennifer
- The 3rd extraordinary-relationship principle – being called into your greatness [37:00]
- Re-framing your partner’s complaints – “All of your fights are the source of your own _______” [44:00]
- One last extraordinary-relationship principle – (it’s a good one) [47:00]
[bctt tweet=”I know that what has her upset is that she’s comparing how I’m being to who she knows I can be.“]
HELPFUL LINKS:
Carol Dweck and the Growth Mindset
Bryan & Jennifer’s 10 Extraordinary Relationship Principles
ABOUT:
Together in life and in love Bryan and Jennifer, they work with couples to develop a deeper context for their relationship designed to lead both towards their own evolution. They are a stand for relationships that have a “both/and” rather than a “either/or” relationship to Freedom and Devotion. When they first came together they didn’t know how to do relationship right after after having each experienced the more typical patterns most of us call relating. Given their dedication to growth and desire to become extraordinary lovers, they decided deliberately to build what they call an evolutionary partnership, brick-by-brick developing powerful models and distinctions along the way.
oh, and one more thing i just realized: when my partner insists that he loves me the way i am and refrains from ever giving me any negative feedback, i feel bad. People could never understand why, and i could not say why clearly either. Now it makes sense that i would feel unseen and alone, because he pretends to see perfection when i am dead-certain there is a truer self possible, and i would want him to support that vision of what i could be by facilitating my growth (by being honest and at the same time believing in me).
Nice Daxe. Well said. Great catch there.
Thanks for another thought provoking podcast Jayson.
I have to listen a second time as ther was a lot said in a short period.
Not sure I fully understand but interesting nonetheless.
Thanks!
Cool Steve. Let me know after a 2nd round!
I love the concepts but how do you apply them to a spouse that is not communicating and wanting a divorce? If there is zero contact what can be done?
Todd,
If your spouse is not communicating and wanting a divorce, likely (s)he is calling for two things. 1) For you to actually feel what its been like to be her in relationship to her. This is not the same thing as feeling how you feel ABOUT her upset. It’s actually feeling her from her point of view. This doesn’t mean you “would feel the same way” or that you agree that she “should” feel that way. It just means you are in direct and full contact with her reality, which is a legitimate and valid aspect of reality itself.
2) For you to clarify and articulate an inspiring vision for you, for her, and for you as a couple. This vision must be inspiring (in alignment with her values and wishes) credible (believable to her that you mean it and are capable of co-creating it) and based on what’s possible, instead of trying to fix what you think is wrong with her, the world, or yourself.
These are not *easy* tasks, but I can’t imagine anything else more worthy of your attention. Who you will become in the process will be even more rewarding than the relationship itself. I wish you luck, Todd! – Bryan
hi Bryan, thank you for sharing these directives with Todd, I am inspired and grateful that you took the time to do so, and also that you’re a listener of our podcast. Thank you for the impact you’re having on our community =) (also, apologies for intense delay in replying) – Meg
Awesome conversation! I hear Bryan and Jennifer expressing an overarching theme of “surrender”…”Surrender” in the sense of having a flexible view of self and other, with a wilingness to open to (or “die/be born into”) the person your partner is routing for you to become (though your partner’s “encouragement” may come in the painful form of criticism, anger, pouting, etc.) This reminds me of Annie Lalla’s quote: “Falling in love is not safe to your status quo self.” (Relationships will change you, and that can be scary and challenging.) That said, I agree it is also crucial to see your partner (and yourself) as “presently perfect.” It’s a beautiful paradox, as Bryan and Jennifer describe, where you practice both the “mother love (I accept you as you are)” and the “father love (you can be more/better than this.)” I think this “mother/father love” parallels Jayson’s concept of practicing both “support” and “challenge” in a relationship in order to facilitate its growth and development. Beautiful.
hi Theda, thank you for articulating this so beautifully and for listening =)
Jayson, in this podcast you mentioned creating a blog post about the belief that you have to “love yourself before you can love another.” Can you please reference me to the blog post?
Jayson, I am a new listener, a few months ago started listening to your episodes from the beginning. About four months ago I got to this one and loved it, and saved it to go back to it. I am now in a brand new relationship where we both want to build something beautiful.
I wanted to say thank you for this episode! and thank you for all the tools you share <3 I have used them from the selection of a new partner to how to communicate my past (I have an ACE score of 7 and I am still trying to heal in many areas) and what kind of relationship I want to build with my partner.
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
Hi Deb, this is so inspiring to read and I’m very moved.. on behalf of all of us who work with Jayson at The Relationship School, we are so happy for you and hope that you are well and continue to do this kind of self-reflective work. Take good care, Meg