If you are the one who chose to get a divorce, or you are thinking about a divorce, than this podcast episode is for you.
Divorce is often stigmatized in our culture as bad, wrong, a failure, you name it. But is it really? Isn’t it okay to throw in the towel sometimes?
My answer is in this episode, where I talk about 2 reasons why divorce might be, or might have been, a valid decision for you. But be prepared because I also challenge you. Notice if you get defensive and if so, leave a comment below.
[bctt tweet=”Most people can’t do long-term partnership…because they didn’t learn.”]
Excellent talk. It came at the perfect time!
So where do abusive and/or toxic relationships fall on this spectrum of 2 reasons? I guess if your partner is a raging alcoholic, that might fall under the first category of not being willing to work on their stuff?
Correct Giovanna. If my partner is a raging alcoholic, I’d be taking a peek at how much I don’t value myself.
Hi Jayson, I love this. I left my last relationship for the sake of the other not wanting to grow and realizing that we were not, ultimately, a match in life (enough in common). The latter valid reason for divorce also sounds familiar. How do women “burn through” their own issues that they see when they look into the mirror? Especially with your example of your partner cheating 5+ times, or something equally tragic/threatening to one’s Self? Can you name a few coaches/women’s support groups?
Thank you kindly. I bow to your and your wife’s work. In mutuality,
Quinn, If I got cheated on 5 times, I’d be asking myself “How did I co-create this?” What is my past is asking for healing with this present pain? That is where I must look.
Thank you for a great post. I totally support the two valid reasons you explained. Something that concerns me, however, is when you promote 5+ cheating situation as workable. I think that the ultimate lesson in relationship like this is self-respect. And once learned, it should be promptly followed by the decision about leaving. I strongly believe and support “no victimhood” position in any given relationship, romantic, professional or friendship. We should take responsibility for being in a relationship in a first place, and accepting of the lessons that come with it. But once our boundaries are pushed to the point of violating basic integrity rules, then the question to ask is not “How I can make this work?”, but “What is the lesson for me in this and how I can make this serve me?”. And often times this lesson is self-respect, self-love, especially for women who tend to linger for too long in toxic relationships… (statistically far more than men do).
I would appreciate if you clarified this because otherwise your words might be construed as an encouragement to stay in toxic situations that might appear as workable.
Thanks for the great work 🙂
Anna, Agreed. That goes without saying, but I know some will misread that into what you suggest. Will keep clarifying for sure. thanks!
Yes, Anna. This seems more apropos. I think for women, especially, there is a tendency to internalize their partner’s poor behavior in relationships and then conjure up a false sense of guilt rather than name things for what they are and take action accordingly to salvage esteem. The same can happen to men, but I see this less frequently. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for this. I feel that my relationship falls more into the second – we are tired of trying to work through our ‘shit’. But also kind of the first one in a way..what would you say about this situtaion?…I feel that my husband is growing faster than me and I want to grow too and I participate in our relationship growth…but I feel like he is trying to pull me along quicker than I can go, like I’m being dragged…and I’m not sure if the direction he is heading is where I want to go!!
Hi Pania, apologies for the late reply. It sounds like you’re both growth oriented but move at different speeds and on your own paths. I imagine if you’re both interested in transforming and elevating your relationship that working with a couples therapist or coach would be a good option so that you can regulate at a pace that works for both of you (we’d be happy to pair you with a coach here: https://relationshipschool.com/myrelationshipcoach/) or perhaps take some courses together. We have an amazing course for any couple who want to elevate their relationship called RELATIONSHIP UPGRADE: https://relationshipschool.com/upgrade/. Take a look if still applicable, and thanks for listening and being part of the community.
What about the non negotiables? What if you’ve realized that you’re not as aligned with your partner as you thought you were and the two of you realized you are making each other feel unsatisfied all the time because you don’t meet your non negotiables?
hi Luciana, this is a good question and it sounds like may be best navigated together with a couples therapist or couples coach… if still needed check out: https://relationshipschool.com/myrelationshipcoach/. Thanks for bringing this question forward and apologies I don’t have a simple answer for you.
I love your honesty and upfrontness especially as I’m a woman and this is coming from a mans perspective. Twelve years in, 2 kids, a cross atlantic move away from my family and friends, no consistency or willingness for growth from my husband. Put in years of works on myself and with my marriage, even left once and came back. I agree with things being workable but it really takes two and I’m tired of doing all the work and ultimately still having to make the decision to bale. I have busted my gut..but its still so scary. Ultimately, it takes two and I’m in situation number one. I sit here and wonder at what point will I actually leave and how I can deal with the fear of being a single mum. Maybe my last thing to deal with before I make the leap perhaps. Thanks for the podcast.
hi Kerrin, apologies for the delay in replying. I imagine by now that you have come to a decision, one way or another. I hope that the situation has resolved itself and that fear is not the main decision maker in your experience, but a seat at the table that you can acknowledge (which also has a lot of value, fear is there to keep us safe, and only wants whats best for us). Very much appreciate the challenges of this situation, especially with kids involved. Glad you’re a listener, thanks for sharing your experience with us all.
I forgave physical abuse and she never abused again. I believe bc I didn’t invalidate her for a mistake instead I loved her through it. After 7 years I chose to leave because I wasn’t able to be my best self with her. It wasn’t taht she was a bad person it was because no two people love the same. Her love didn’t validate me, and my love wasn’t obviously the love she would do anything for. Accepting that we both loved the best way we knew how and that we were no longer to be of service to one another . I say that not jsut in love but in friendship and career, kids, family, emotionally and spiritually. All of it. If we aren’t healthy and whole without major transgression on one or both sides and cannot work through it’s time to throw in the towel. It’s been the hardest thing ever to walk away from somebody you’d toll “think” you love dearly. I just don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to be hurt.
hi Kristie, thank you for opening up in this way. I imagine and hope that our community has been a source of support for you and that you are both happy and well. -Meg