QUESTION: How okay do I have to be with my partner consuming pornographic images for pleasuring himself? What’s the place for porn in a growth and development oriented long term relationship?
I don’t actually feel okay with that at all regarding the fact that we don’t have a very active sex life. I know thoughts and fantasies are free and I should maybe not be mingling in that private area of his life. But it does hurt me deeply when I know he’s in the next room doing his thing while I am in mine sometimes longing for intimacy with him. It’s hard for us to find a routine with intimacy, because we don’t share a bed room. We sleep in different rooms, because of different rhythms, snoring and on account of me being a light sleeper.
But, how much porn use is okay, normal, do I have to be okay with? What’s the place for porn in a growth and development oriented long term relationship? I feel cheated upon,The fascination is with the pictures, not anymore with me, although I know I am attractive. He says my nagging turns him off, but my nagging is often about his checking out… Do I have to get okay with it? I find being loving and supportive and gentle with him extremely hard and my heart hardens because of what he does. Although he says, he loves me and the porn doesn’t mean anything and is just a quick inspiration. Very frustrating….
SHOWNOTES
- What’s porn’s place in a relationship? [2:00]
- How porn can negatively affect a relationship [5:00]
- Porn is not the bad guy [7:00]
- Porn, like any compulsion, can be a wedge between two people [10:00]
- Ramifications of porn [12:00]
HELPFUL LINKS
The research on what porn does to a regular-user’s brain is remarkable. This TedX by Gary Wilson is illuminating on the impacts of the brain and how that impacts relationships https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
I am so grateful you took this on and addressed it with directness and compassion for both partners in the relationship; it’s not about morals as much as real connection and the addictions that stand in the way of intimacy. Thank you for stating this in a way more people can hear.
Thank you amber for sharing your thoughts and experience, and for listening =)