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When Your Spiritual Work Isn’t Enough – Jayson Gaddis and Ellen Boeder – 349

When Your Spiritual Work Isn’t Enough – Jayson Gaddis and Ellen Boeder – 349

While I’m a firm believer that we are all deeply spiritual beings, we’re also humans—mammals—with emotional reactions. 

We can work on our own mental and spiritual development, and that is a great thing. In fact, it’s something I highly recommend. 

But—in a relationship, there are still going to be times those human reactions take over, and that’s normal. It’s not something we can ever shut off. 

So how do we learn to integrate our personal spiritual growth into a relationship with another person—another human with their own emotions, reactions, and experiences—especially if we are at different stages of growth?

Trigger, Retreat, Repeat

It’s not necessarily an unhealthy thing to retreat when you’re triggered in a relationship. Let’s say you go off alone and meditate, self-reflect, and do what you need to do to calm yourself. 

Maybe your partner does the same thing. Then, when you come back together, things feel better and the issue isn’t as prevalent anymore—or maybe it feels like it’s resolved.

The problem is, you may have dealt with the discomfort you felt and processed it individually, but you haven’t truly resolved the issue together as a partnership. 

And so, you’ll probably find that issue coming up again, and this process will keep you stuck as a couple. It’s not sustainable long term.

It’s great to work on your spiritual growth and maturity, but how do you bring those together and mature as a unit, as a team?      

Getting Stuck vs. Moving Forward

Part of spiritual growth is learning to be with your discomfort—recognizing it, accepting it, but teaching yourself that it’s not a problem. It’s pretty liberating once you reach that point of being okay with yourself and your human experience. 

It’s important to do that in a relationship, too—to reach the point, together, of being uncomfortable and vulnerable but being okay with it.  

That’s what will help your relational development and maturity as a couple, and it’s what will keep you from getting and staying stuck. Because if you don’t get to that point, you’ll only be able to go so far with that person and you’ll reach your relational ceiling. 

We’re each going to have our own developmental gaps in our lives that have carried over from childhood or other adult relationships. But bringing your gaps together and being with them as a couple will give you the opportunity to fill them and to grow as a partnership. It may get somewhat complicated and uncomfortable, but you’ll soon find it’s freeing once gaps are filled and discomfort is accepted.

Relationships Are Difficult

The fact is, it’s a difficult thing learning how to be in a relationship with another human. 

It takes a lot of capacity and practical experience, because it’s not inherent in us to be able to integrate all the aspects of another person into ourselves and our way of living. That’s especially true if we haven’t learned to be with and take responsibility for our own experience. 

Besides, no one is immune to the need to work on themselves.

We all have areas we have disowned and experience developmental deficits. We each need to work on reclaiming what we’ve disowned and heal individually while collaborating for stronger development and maturity. 

We’re Always Stronger Together

Relationships can be especially difficult when one person has done more work on themselves than the other. That person is probably pretty good at pointing out issues in their partner, and it can come across as superior, as though we’ve transcended the issue.

The partner typically does one of two things there: they either buy into it and feel they’re “not spiritual enough,” or they feel criticized and get defensive.

It’s important to remember that challenges are always vital to growth. When we collaborate, we build healthier, stronger relationships as we grow and mature together. We can become much deeper and more complex human beings through relationship growth than we can on our own.

 

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Even in the best of situations, relationships can be difficult. Most people would agree that they aren’t the easiest thing in the world to navigate, no matter how compatible you feel you and your partner are. 

But there are some within the personal growth movement who adopt the school of thought that relationships should be easy—that it’s negative or pessimistic to say that they’re difficult. In fact, differing opinions on the subject frequently lead to debate.  

I often say, though, that long-term relationships are complicated and hard. Marriage is probably the hardest. There are reasons I say that, so let’s take a little deeper look into whether relationships should be hard or easy. 

Relationships Aren’t Easy—and “Easy” Is Relative 

For someone who grows up with a secure attachment, as my wife and I have worked toward building with our own kids, relationships should be more straightforward. We place a high value on relationship and do our best to impart that value to our kids. That way, when they enter into long-term relationships as adults, it will be easier for them—but easy, like everything, is relative. 

For the vast majority of us, relationships nowadays are a lot more complicated. A lot of us probably feel like we’re not easy to love. We often get triggered and upset in a stressful situation, and that’s where the complications begin.  

There are a lot of factors involved, like our history and our childhood…past breakups and baggage…experiences we’ve had. And keep in mind it’s the same for your partner, which further convolutes adult relationships. Most of us wonder at some point, “Why is love so hard?”

Issues Have to Be Dealt with, Especially in Difficult Relationships

The good news is that when these issues come up—and they will come up at some point—it provides you with an opportunity for growth and healing. We all have emotional pain and injuries that probably aren’t dealt with, and of course, dealing with them is much healthier than avoiding them.   

That’s why long-term relationships are a path to personal transformation as long as you approach challenges as a student. Each challenge gives you an opportunity to learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship together. 

As you start to communicate your needs, learn how to repair well after a conflict, and learn what works and doesn’t work for your partner, you create an incredible playground for you to build on.

But you know what? It’s work!

Here’s a quick video on the difficulty of relationships:

Challenge Always Leads to Growth 

Relationships are complicated. Think of a relationship like a workout—yoga, CrossFit, Pilates, any type of workout. I don’t know any fitness person who would say their workout is easy. Otherwise, why would they do it?  

Without challenge, there’s no progress. If you walk away from a workout without breaking a sweat or using a muscle, what’s the purpose of doing it? 

As any weight lifter will tell you, once you get to the point where your workout is easy, it means you need to add more weight. If it’s easy, you’re doing something wrong. The point is to challenge yourself and grow—to become stronger in every way. 

That’s the essence of a growth-oriented person—someone who loves to learn about themselves and challenge themselves to grow and keep growing.   

Yes, Relationships Are Complicated, but Work Leads to Reward 

So, if you approach relationships with the same mindset as you approach workouts, I think that’s a solid view. Are you a growth-oriented person? Are you ready to face challenges and continue on a path of self-understanding?  

If you want to reap the benefits of your workouts—namely, health and strength, among other things—then you have to work for it in the long term. You have to stay on top of it and keep working for it. 

And the same is true for difficult relationships. Relationships aren’t easy, but you can only reap the benefits as long as you’re willing to put in the work. 

Later on, you’ll be thrilled to show off those toned and bulging relationship muscles—but keep adding that weight little by little to keep growing.   

If you’d like to learn three keys to resolving conflict and disagreement quickly, check out this free training.
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Photo Credit: Odonata Wellnesscenter – Pexels

Men, Pleasure, and Power – Shana James – 348

Men, Pleasure, and Power – Shana James – 348

Is there such thing as a positive connotation to the words “power” and “pleasure?”

The word “power” is often thought of in the context of men asserting power over women. At the same time, “pleasure” can be thought of as selfish and frivolous or unnecessary—or it can be associated with unhealthy things. 

But like everything, there’s a good and a bad side to each. Feeling empowered—believing in yourself—is a positive thing and is something to strive for, both individually and in relationships. Pleasure, as an enemy to pain, is also something you want to experience.

Coach, podcast host, and author Shana James focuses her expertise on men and the issues they face in relationships. She discusses how it’s possible for power and pleasure to overlap—and why men especially should stop pressuring themselves.

It’s Okay to Feel Empowered and to Feel Pleasure.

There are lots of ways to feel empowered, for both men and women. In a good context, feeling empowered can mean knowing yourself in order to access your pleasure. 

Often, women are stressed and have a tough time experiencing pleasure—and men can get so focused on making women happy, they lose their own pleasure. 

Pleasure can encompass several areas as well—it doesn’t just have to be sexual. If you think about all the things that increase dopamine, the list can get pretty long. In fact, pleasure can be something relaxing, like reading a book, sitting on the beach, or painting a picture.

But it’s important to distinguish between healthy pleasure and pleasure that isn’t good for you. 

Know Yourself to Know What’s Good for You.

Culture and society teach us a lot of “shoulds” as we grow up. A lot of the time, we are programmed to do what someone else thinks is right for us—and we may not even know what we truly want. 

If we don’t know what we want, we can’t experience true pleasure. Sure, it’s easy (especially for men) to look for a quick hit of pleasure and relief from stress, like sugary foods or porn provide. But that won’t satiate in the long run. 

It takes a clear mind to think about whether something is truly beneficial for us—whether it will serve our highest good. And in order to do this, we must know ourselves and be okay with who we are…rather than who we think someone else wants us to be. 

 Be in Tune with Yourself. 

You can’t experience pleasure when you aren’t in tune with your body, and that goes for both men and women. While women have a hard time feeling pleasure if maybe the laundry isn’t put away or the dishes are dirty, it’s important to know that about yourself and communicate it to your partner.  

Empowerment Can Come Through Pleasure.

Most men have a hard time accessing their pleasure when they’re focusing on creating pleasure for their partner. We get so focused on “getting it right” and what will make her happy that we lose touch with ourselves in the process. 

Men inherently want to know in advance whether something will work or will make their partner happy—and that’s exhausting! Communicate…ask your partner questions. It’s okay to have these conversations.

As long as you’re setting out to prove your worth, fix a situation, or do things perfectly, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Allow yourself to make mistakes…be vulnerable. Once you do that, you’ll increase pleasure for your partner AND yourself. 

 Be Okay with Imperfection.

You can’t be everything for your partner—and the same is true in reverse. Once you both recognize this truth, your relationship itself will be empowered. And that place of empowerment gives your relationship strength and puts you both in a place to experience pleasure as well.

 

The Four Best Words to Say When Comparing Yourself to Others

The Four Best Words to Say When Comparing Yourself to Others

It’s super easy to do: open social media, scroll, and feel bad about yourself. 

Why does this happen? Well, it’s because we’re all human. We do it subconsciously—comparing our lives to the standout moments and achievements others post on their feed.  

It’s important to remember, though, that just because a person’s life looks like it’s better, that doesn’t mean it actually is. Chances are, that person is scrolling through the same feed and feeling bad about themselves, too. 

So how do we avoid the comparison trap? 

Comparison is Natural, but Unhealthy

First, keep in mind that comparison is normal. There’s no judgment here, and don’t judge yourself for it. There’s no “comparison off” switch that will allow us to stop. 

It’s pretty easy to say, “Just stop comparing yourself to others.” It’s also easy to say, “Stop judging others.” Not gonna happen. It’s human nature, and we’re all going to do it. 

What we can do, though, is prevent ourselves from getting caught in the rut—the cycle of shame and doubt that leaves us feeling worthless. We don’t need to let any day be ruined by choosing to compare—because yes, it is our choice. 

Instead, let’s choose to say four key words that will release us from the comparison trap. 

Four Words to Remember 

When you catch yourself comparing and start to feel shame, stop and say these four words:

“That’s not my path.”

Because it’s not—you have a different life, a different journey and destiny. Besides, you can’t possibly go down all the paths. You’re only one person—and so are they. It might look like they’re having a wonderful life, but they may be miserable. 

So keep in mind those four words and train yourself to speak them before you go into that trap. Even better, mentally (or with the “like” button) applaud their efforts and achievements—all the while telling yourself, “That’s not my path.” And it’s okay that it’s not. 

Apples Will Never Be Oranges

Another thing that’s important to remember about comparison is that your values and the values of others aren’t going to be the same. 

Whether you’re seeing a person heavily into fitness or healthy eating or with seemingly unending money…keep in mind that their motivation and inspiration are different than yours. 

Maybe they’ve spent years working on weight lifting, inherited money that allowed them to buy nice things, or worked their butt off to get where they are. Regardless, the things they’ve chosen to put their time, money, and energy into aren’t going to be the same things you’ve chosen. 

Remember the rule of apples and oranges. No matter the area, there will always be someone better than you—and you’ll always be better than someone else, too. That’s why comparison is futile. 

Oranges can’t be apples no matter how hard they wish for it. That person who has muscles for days or a fancy car is probably feeling like an orange in a world full of apples, too. 

Here’s a short video on comparison:

Accept Your Path or Change It—But for You 

If you’re truly wanting to invest in some area of your life to empower yourself, to better your mental health and well-being, then decide whether you want to put in the time and effort—for you. If you’re in pain and your well-being matters to you in that area, by all means, go for it, but not to upstage or spite someone else. 

Just remember there’s no need to compare your life to a two-second social media snapshot that people scroll through and forget. Find and commit to your path and let apples be apples.

If you would like to learn how to help someone struggling with self-comparison, sign up for our free training here.
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Photo Credit: Jason Briscoe – Unsplash

Spiritual Bypassing – Robert Masters – 347

Spiritual Bypassing – Robert Masters – 347

Problems. 

Of course they’re aren’t going away!

Some can be easily resolved. Others are better off swept under the rug. 

OR, how a lot of people deal with problems… 

Through spiritual practice.

There’s a name for this. 

It’s called spiritual bypassing, and it’s how we humans protect ourselves from psychological harm.

In this week’s podcast, we talk with Psychotherapist Robert Masters about spiritual bypassing, when it starts to cause more harm than good, and how to overcome it.

What is Spiritual Bypassing?

Spiritual bypassing is the use of spiritual practice to avoid unresolved emotional conflict.

It’s turning away from the psychological wounds we received from past experiences, events and relationships.

For example, take the relative who tends to overstep people’s boundaries. Unknowingly, they say something hurtful to you. What would you do?

Rather than voicing their concern, someone who engages with spiritual bypassing may choose to look the other way. They’ll excuse their relatives’ behaviour and avoid confrontation, even if they’re angry inside.

And this can be dangerous.

Why?

Because while spirituality offers some enlightenment, those deep-seated problems still remain. They don’t go away by themselves. 

Rather than a solution, it’s used as a shield to protect ourselves from harm. And prevents us from understanding what’s really going on inside.

The reality is that it only suppresses the problem even further, making it more difficult to resolve in the long-term.

Signs of Spiritual Bypassing 

Similar to a narcissist, spiritual bypassing is not very easy to spot. However, the following signs can help you become more aware of this type of behaviour:

  • Denial 
  • Being overly optimistic
  • Believing that there is a lesson to learn from every traumatic experience
  • Believing that everything happens for a reason
  • Feeling spiritually superior to others
  • Believing that “positive thinking” is the answer to life’s problems
  • Avoidance of anger 
  • The unwillingness to accept negative emotions

Spiritual bypassing may offer some mental relief in the short-term. It gives us the illusion that “everything will be okay,” while the problem silently lingers in the background.

So, how can we overcome it?

How to Overcome Spiritual Bypassing 

I’m not going to lie to you. There is only one way to overcome spiritual bypassing.

And that is to turn towards what’s difficult.

Now, it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be uncomfortable, even scary. 

But Roberts believes it’s worth it.

“People love the light, but can’t stand the heat,” he says. “But fire is heat and light. So if you want the real light, you need to face the fire.”

Once you gain self-awareness, it’s much easier to navigate and deal with your problems. 

You don’t have all the answers yet, but you know the story.

A story you now have the power to CHANGE.

And you don’t have to go all in. Take little steps.

When the pain arises, don’t run from it. 

Feel it. Explore it. Embrace it.

With time, facing the problem won’t feel as intimidating. That’s a good sign; it means your mind (and heart) is heading in the right direction.

Towards healing.

Seek help 

There’s no other way around it. You need to do the work.

This means seeking help from a mentor, coach, guide, course or any other resource you believe will be essential to your healing.

But remember: you can’t do it all alone. 

You need a support system. 

Someone who will be there for you throughout this journey. 

Someone who loves you enough to tell you the truth.

Someone who will remind you of your strength when things get hard.

I think I know who this could be…

Your partner.

After all, they know you better than anyone else in your life. They’re your best spiritual teacher.

Have compassion

After all the tears, anger, and self-shaming…

The only person who can make you change is YOU.

So what point is there in constantly beating yourself up about your problems?

It’s already happened. You can’t change the past.

But you can change your future. 

And it starts with giving yourself compassion. 

Compassion takes courage. It’s refusing to walk away from life’s problems, no matter how painful, because you love yourself.

And it’s through the bold act of compassion that we are heal faster. 

Because we’re no longer leading with pain. 

We’re leading with love.