How Much Intimacy Can You Tolerate? – Jayson Gaddis – 344

How much intimacy can you tolerate? To dig into this and understand what you might be avoiding, listen to this short ten minute podcast.

Useful Links:

How Much Intimacy Can You Tolerate?

Why Do Men Watch Porn?

Porn is an addiction for many, but why is it such a big deal? What’s the real reason men watch porn?

Sure, it’s easy to see the obvious: men like sex. Porn objectifies women, and men watch it because they enjoy it.

But that’s just what it looks like on the surface. The truth is, most men who struggle with porn are dealing with something else—something deeper. So what would that be?

Underlying Issues That Lead to Porn Use

Truthfully, porn isn’t really about sex or positions. It’s not about sexy women and it’s not about fantasy versus reality. A man who watches porn does it because he’s after two things:

The High from Porn

Dopamine is a powerful motivator. The hormones that surge through a man’s body aren’t too different from a teenager’s—and watching porn fuels those. Plus, it’s no secret that humans seek out things that provide dopamine surges.

The Release from Watching Porn

The second thing a man wants from using porn is to find relief. The release that comes from ejaculating is a natural follow-up to the high and a powerful stress reliever.

What is it that causes a man to seek out these two things through porn?

The first reason is that he feels disconnected, out of touch with himself. He probably also feels highly stressed, weighed down, and most likely emotionally constipated. He could even be experiencing a lot of emotional pain that he’s not dealing with.

So seeking out the high and then the release of watching porn and ejaculating provides him with a temporary escape that relieves all these issues momentarily.

Digging Deeper into Porn Addiction

The key to working through these issues is emotions. Since most men are taught at an early age to value themselves first, to disconnect themselves from relationships, and to avoid their feelings, their heart, and their sensitivity, they’re tied in knots.

That’s where the emotional constipation comes in. Emotions can get all knotted up just like the gut can, and neither situation is healthy.

As you can imagine, raging hormones can’t flow well through an emotionally knotted-up person. So they get built up, and that’s where the high and the release come in. Dopamine feels pleasurable, the hormones are released…and the man feels good.

But it’s only for a minute—sometimes just seconds.

Then, it’s back to the stress. Back to depression, anxiety, pain, and burdens.

The problems that got him there in the first place weren’t dealt with. Porn is nothing but a temporary distraction. Just like any other distraction, it doesn’t last.

Here’s a quick video about men who watch porn:

Learn to Be with Discomfort

In order to overcome the issues that prompt the porn escape, the man will need to get connected to himself to begin with. He needs to learn to feel the pain he experiences rather than running from it; be with discomfort; and process his emotions. When he learns to do this, he will be able to do intimacy and relationships in a healthy way.

Stress isn’t going to go away—it’s an inevitable part of life. But once a man can be with his own feelings and emotions, increasing his capacity to handle things in life, porn loses its luster. The mystery and seduction will fade because he will be better equipped to deal with things in life, and that high and release won’t have such a pull anymore.

If you’re a man who wants to deepen your relationships, get sexually empowered, and face life like a warrior, here’s a free training for you.
_______________________________
Photo Credit: Bailey Torres – Unsplash

Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic Motivation, Failure, Addiction, & More – Jessica Lahey – 343

Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic Motivation: How To Motivate And Prepare Your Child For Life

There’s one mistake I see many parents make.

They’re too directive.

Instead of allowing their child to try out new things, they plan their lives way ahead. “You’ll play the piano”. “You’ll go to this college and work this job”.

I know they want the best for their child, but this is dangerous.

If you’re too directive with your kid and tell them to do something, they’ll only feel accepted if they’re able to fulfill these expectations. And as a consequence, they’ll seek their self-confidence not within, but from others’ validation.

In the episode, teacher & author Jessica Lahey told me at least 80% of her students believe their parents love them more if they get high grades.

This is deadly for your child’s motivation, here’s why:

First of all, we divide between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. If you don’t know the difference, here’s a quick rundown.

Extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation

Extrinsic motivation comes from the outside. It’s when you engage in an activity/behavior because you want to get a reward or avoid punishment. Usually, we do these things not because we like them, but rather because of the desired outcome.

Examples:

Playing the piano because your parents tell you to
Learning for school because you don’t want bad grades
Working out to get compliments from others

This works well in the short run, but if you take away the outcome, all motivation vanishes.

This can be useful to motivate your child, but don’t rely on it.

If a child learns to do things only because of a reward, they’ll have serious trouble getting motivated and finishing things on their own.

Intrinsic motivation comes from the inside. It’s when you engage in something because you enjoy it, not because of any external rewards.

Examples:

Playing the piano because you enjoy it and want to get good better
Learning for school because you love learning and want to get your dream job
Working out to feel happier and healthier, not because of others

While external motivation dries up fast, intrinsic motivation keeps us going in the long run.

What does all that mean for your child?

You should aim to keep a healthy balance of extrinsic, and intrinsic motivation.

Teaching your child to be intrinsically motivated will make them a happier and more successful person.

3 ways to ignite your child’s intrinsic motivation

More autonomy

Give your child enough autonomy to make their own decisions and experiment with what interests them. That way, they’ll learn to be more self-disciplined and do things regardless of external rewards.

Support your child instead of directing them

As a child, most of us had no idea what we wanted. Help your child to find out what they enjoy and support them on their journey there. Encourage them to learn from every failure and always keep going.

Focus on the journey, not the destination

Focusing on results makes your child insecure and anxious. Instead, focus on the process, and you’ll be surprised by the results.

Intrinsic motivation is crucial to succeeding in the long run. I hope these tips will help you motivate your child and see them succeed.

If you’re curious to find out more about motivation, failure, and addiction, listen to the full episode here:

Useful Links:

What Is the Definition of Secure Attachment?

The desire to experience secure relationships is universal. Most likely, we have all experienced a relationship where something didn’t feel quite right. At times, it can be hard to pinpoint, but our behaviors can be traced back to the way we were raised and the way we experienced attachment to our caregivers. Ideally, we experienced a secure attachment that gave us a healthy foundation for our lives. So what does a secure attachment relationship look like?

What Is Attachment?

Let’s start with the definition of attachment on its own. Essentially, attachment is the bond that forms between caregiver and child, and it begins at a very young age. Your caregivers—whether they were parents or otherwise—and the way they took care of you set the trajectory for your relational destiny.

Most caregivers and parents do the best they can to take care of their kids with the tools they have at the time. Sometimes, parents can get so distracted, busy, or emotionally challenged that they aren’t meeting all the child’s needs. This can apply to physical, emotional, psychological, and relational needs—the child may feel neglected in some way, and this situation can create what is called an insecure attachment.

The opposite is also true: when the parent or caregiver makes the child feel physically and emotionally safe, loved, and comforted, a secure attachment is formed. In my view, there are four basic elements of a secure attachment make it easy to remember (these are modified slightly from attachment science and the work of Dr. Dan Siegel).

The Four S’s of Secure Attachment

In every adult relationship, each partner has needs that they hope to have met in order to create a secure attachment, and most of them fall under the umbrella of these four main needs.

Safe: you feel emotionally safe in the relationship
Seen: you feel seen by your partner
Soothed: you feel soothed when you’re upset
Supported/challenged: you feel like your partner believes in you, has your back, sets boundaries for you, and challenges you. They urge you toward things that are beneficial for you.

In parent-child relationships, it’s the parent’s job to meet these four needs. They are one way. It’s never a child’s job to meet a parent’s needs. Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect—and even in a secure attachment situation, there will be arguments, disconnections, stress, tantrums, etc. But the difference in a secure attachment is that the parents work to repair the issue and lead the child to reconnection and resolution in the relationship.

Attachment in Adult Relationships

So, when you bring your attachment style into your adult relationships, it works in largely the same way as in parent-child relationships. But rather than it being more of a one-way street, the relationship is more equitable, partner to partner.

When you’re in a relationship where you experience secure attachment, you and your partner meet each other’s needs. You help each other feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported. Then, when you have a disagreement or disconnection, you both return and reconnect in such a way that rebuilds the relationship from the rift. Working to repair the issue on both sides allows you to relax, let down, and feel free to be yourselves and open up to your partner again.

On top of that, you feel comfortable knowing your partner believes in you and supports you—and challenges you to be your best self. Knowing that your partner is there for you helps you face issues and support them in theirs.

Here’s a video on secure attachment:

Secure Attachment in a Relationship Begins Within You

Being in a securely attached relationship starts with one key element within each person: self-reflection. Research shows that the biggest predictor of secure attachment is a person’s ability to take a look at their relational history—the challenges, traumas, experiences—and learn from them, grow, and make meaning from them. These are vital to fostering a secure attachment.

If we don’t take the time or energy to self-reflect, we won’t feel like we’re able to let our guard down—thus, the attachment won’t be secure on either side. The critical component of self-reflection increases your capacity for security and allows both partners to feel safe and secure, perpetuating a healthy and fulfilling two-way relationship.

To learn three keys to resolving conflict in relationships, click here to sign up for a free training.
____________________________________________________________________
Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez – Unsplash

My Human Design Session – Erin Claire Jones – 342

How to Boost Your Self-Awareness with Human Design

Let me ask you a question. Do you really know who you are?
Being self-aware is super important because it allows you to unfold your full potential, make the right decisions, and master life with ease.
This week, Erin Claire Jones and I talk about a tool that can boost your self-awareness and lead to a more conscious, rewarding, and fulfilling life. This tool is called human design.

What is human design and how can it help you on your journey?

Human Design helps you recognize your unique gifts and traits, so you can make the most out of them and be in alignment with your true self.
According to it, we’re defined by our type (how we use our energy) and our inner authority (how we make decisions). And combined with your exact time, date, and place of birth, you’ll get your own, unique chart that equips you with concrete tips according to your type.
Does it sound weird to you? If so, you’ll be actually surprised at how accurate and transformative it can be. By knowing how you operate, you learn to use your energy wisely and build on your strengths instead of ignoring, or even denying them.
Let’s dig deeper into the different types. Do you recognize yourself in one of these?

The five types of human design and what makes them unique.

Generators:

Generators respond, as opposed to initiating. They find it easier to wait for clues and signals instead of leaping into action. When they initiate from a mental place, they may feel frustrated in their life and work.

Projectors:

Projectors wait for recognition and invitation. When feeling invited, they guide others with their immense wisdom. But when focusing on the wrong people, they become exhausted and resentful. If they manage to use their energy wisely, however, they’ll experience success in their life and relationships.

Reflectors:

Reflectors have a resilient aura that samples and reflects other auras around them like a mirror. It’s also important for them to separate everyone else’s aura from their own. Before making big decisions, they need more time to think than other types.

Manifestors:

As opposed to Generators who tend to respond, Manifestors are born initiators. Their strategy is to inform others before acting to get their support. Otherwise, they may feel angry because of the resistance they experience.

Manifesting Generators:

As the name tells, they’re a mix between Manifestors and Generators. They inform before acting but also wait to respond.

If you’re not sure which one you are or want to learn more about your type, check this out:
https://erinclairejones.com/lookup

Knowing your type can be a relieving experience. Instead of trying to be someone else, you learn to accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses.
As you can see, human design can boost your self-awareness, acceptance, and esteem all at once.

But what does all of this have to do with relationships?

By being self-aware, you learn to communicate better with your partner and prevent heated avoidable conflicts.
And if you’re aware of each other’s uniqueness, you’ll both feel more empathy and act as a great team.
Don’t get me wrong though. While human design can give you great insight into yourself, it also has its limitations and can’t resolve any traumas or make your life a cakewalk. But still, it’s an interesting tool I wanted to share with you.
If you’re curious to find out more about human design and what Erin has to say, listen here: