How Do I Know if I Have Resentment?

Resentments, if not dealt with, can cause numerous problems in a relationship. But it’s easy to talk about resentments, yet not always so easy to identify them. What exactly does it look and feel like to have resentment?

I once coached a couple who, after ten years of marriage, were both resenting each other for various reasons. The husband, who had been unwilling to communicate his feelings to his wife over the years, had been taking out his anger on her unwittingly.

The wife, of course, resented his treatment of her—but in the end, she truly had no idea of the reasons for his anger or why he held on to it. But I could see the light bulb turn on as she remembered something helpful.

As it turned out, her husband’s mother had warned her even before they’d gotten married. “He’s like a volcano,” she had said. “He just lets it bubble up underneath until one day he erupts.” Unfortunately, the wife found out just how true that statement was.

Had the husband brought up issues in the relationship periodically as they arose, the volcanic eruptions could and most likely would have been avoided. So, what would I have told the couple if I’d coached them years earlier?

How to Tell if You’re Harboring Resentment

The first clue that you’re experiencing a resentment is your frustration. After talking to or being with your partner, if a conversation leaves you feeling irritated or like you’re being treated unfairly, it’s a good idea to stop and consider what about the interaction bothered you—especially if you realize you’ve been irked for quite a while.

You may find yourself judging the other person in your mind. If you hang up the phone or a Zoom call—or even end a text chat—and you notice yourself thinking judgmental thoughts toward them, that’s a resentment.

For those low-stake relationships in your life, those people who aren’t in your immediate circle, that’s not such a big deal. But if it’s your partner, it’s something that needs to be addressed. When you withhold these feelings, it’s disrespectful to the person and to the relationship.

Here’s a quick video about resentment:

Resentment Creates a Toxic Relationship Environment

There can be any number of reasons you might feel like withholding is necessary in the moment. You might be afraid the other person will be upset or even end the relationship. Maybe you don’t want to “create waves.” More than likely, you just don’t want your partner mad at you.

But the truth is, the waves you’re creating below the surface can turn into a tsunami later on.

Holding back your feelings in your relationship serves only to create an environment where your true self-expression can’t flourish. Once you have identified those feelings of resentment to do something about it as soon as possible so you can avoid a more intense situation in the future.

Resentment Remedy

The quick and easy remedy for resentment: speak up! Not only will being truthful make you feel better, it will build trust and show respect for your partner. The result is a solid foundation to the relationship where you both feel comfortable expressing your feelings honestly.

Speaking up shows that you truly care for the other person in the relationship—and that you want to work out the smaller issues so they don’t become bigger ones. You can’t control their reaction to your words, but what you can do is see the situation for what it is: a growth opportunity.

Allow yourself and your partner that opportunity for growth by becoming more aware of your feelings and communicating them. You will be more prepared for future situations, and you’ll give your partner the chance to learn about you as well.

If you’d like to learn three important insights to help you work through disagreements and communicate better or learn how to clear a resentment, sign up for my free training here.
___________________________________________________
Photo Credit: KS KYUNG – Unsplash

Boundaries & Other Tips For Brand New Parents – Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. – 341

Is your kid calling the shots in your home with their emotions?

Want to parent more effectively?

In today’s episode, I talk with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson on how to take back the power in your relationship with your child by setting boundaries. Dr. Bryson explains resilience comes from not bailing your child out when things aren’t going their way. It’s better to go through that difficult moment with them.

What’s our typical method of parenting?…

Typically when our child acts up we’re inclined to raise our voice or make threats – however, Dr. Bryson cautions us away from that. This can feel counterintuitive in your parenting experience at first, but that’s the purpose. You’re in the relationship school to learn new and better methods to handle your relationships. You have to start by exchanging your old methods for new ones. This is a part of doing the work – stay focused.

Here’s an example Dr. Bryson gave me in today’s episode…

She allowed her older son to stay up later because he had friends over, however her other son had to go to bed because he’s not allowed to be up late. This didn’t sit well with her younger child so naturally, he threw a tantrum. This can be a make-or-break moment for parents. Dr. Bryson reminds us, “At your kids’ worst, they need you the most.”

Once the child tries to counter our boundary (in this case it’s bedtime) we have to stand our ground! This is where most parents start to combat the child with threats or by raising their voice. Bryson is a proponent of utilizing empathy to show your child you understand their experience. The boundaries are still there but now you allow your child to deal and accept their experience and overcome their emotional tantrum rather than going back on your word, negotiating, or losing your cool.

“I know you’re angry right now, and that’s ok. I’m going to be right here with you the whole time,” a simple sentence like this can make a massive difference in the conversion. This method empowers both the parent and the child. It’s far better to view situations like this as an opportunity for your child to do an emotional workout. View it as one rep – eventually, as they grow, reps become easier and easier.

Due to this method, when your child grows up they will be able to manage their emotions and be resilient rather than not knowing how to deal with their experience. This is just one out of the many amazing lessons Dr. Bryson shared with us. If you’d like to grow as a parent (that includes single parents or those considering parenthood) then take a listen to today’s podcast.

Shownotes:

4:15 Introducing Tina Payne Bryson and her new book
9:50 The ambiguity of good parenting practices
16:25 Interesting facts for parents to keep in mind
23:30 Attachment parenting
37:10 Children spending time on screens and isolating themselves
48:40 Is there a spectrum for secure attachment?
56:35 Advice for single parents to support their children in difficult times
1:03:20 Action Step

Useful Links:

What’s the Most Important Need in a Relationship?

Thinking about your needs in a relationship, what would you rank as number one?

Putting the toilet seat down…communicating often…intimacy? Most likely, honesty and monogamy are pretty high on the list.

It’s probably hard for you to pick just one because there are several needs in relationships and partnerships that most people would consider very important. Some of them are as individual as the person. But there are a few—four, in fact—that I would say are universal, and I talk about them often.

But there is a HUGE one—the biggest, perhaps—to any successful relationship.

What is it?

The Most Important Need In Your Relationship

It’s pretty simple. The most important need in a relationship is to feel emotionally safe.

That’s right. If you don’t feel emotionally safe, how could you possibly open your heart to another person?

If you’re building an emotionally safe relationship foundation, bringing your true feelings to the partnership and feeling like you can express them freely is going to be vital to that base. Your feelings and emotions are the essence of who you are as a person, and you need to feel secure enough in the partnership to be able to express them.

The range of emotions we feel—positive, negative, and everything in between—needs to be expressed. If we don’t feel safe enough to let them flow freely and that the other person in the relationship will receive them, then we aren’t feeling emotionally safe. That’s when walls are built, partners are shut out, and the connection breaks down.

Check out this video about the #1 partnership need:

Creating the Safe Space You Want

It’s important to take a look at your behavior in the relationship. It’s a given that you want to feel emotional safety from your partner. But you have to ask yourself, “Am I behaving in a way that makes my partner feel emotionally safe?”

Yes, this is going to require some self-reflection, but trust me, it’ll be worth it. If a partnership goes two ways, it’s only fair that behavior is reciprocated as well.

So, take a look at the way you treat your partner and think about whether you’d feel emotionally safe in their shoes. Are you allowing them to feel and express their feelings with you, or are you acting judgmental, critical, or closed off toward them? Do you have the attitude of “Your emotions are welcome with me?”

If you don’t feel emotionally safe in your current relationship, start by changing what you can—you. Creating a place of emotional security for your partner will allow them to do the same for you. If your partner still isn’t creating that safe space for you, then it’s up to you to determine how much you tolerate.

If you don’t know how to feel emotions, then you’ll want to unlock your emotions and start feeling them. Don’t be like me, and spend decades emotionally constipated. Do the work to start feeling now.

Don’t Ask of Your Partner What You Can’t Do for Yourself

Besides taking a look at whether your behavior is creating an emotionally safe space, it’s necessary to take a look at the way you deal with yourself. Do you have the capacity to be comfortable with your own emotional experience?

It’s important to be comfortable being yourself with yourself. Because if you are constantly resisting and fighting feeling your own emotions, there’s no way you’ll feel comfortable expressing them to your partner.

Once you can get to a place where you recognize and accept the way you’re feeling, you can share it comfortably with someone else. But that’s the kicker—you have to accept your feelings, without judgment, and be cool with whatever they are. Then, you’ll be less likely to tolerate someone who won’t.

So, can you do that? Can you own whatever you feel and be with it? If not, then it’s unfair to ask your partner to be with you if you can’t be with you.

Emotional Safety Creates Strength in Relationships

Once you’re able to be comfortable with your own emotions, you’ll be more prepared to determine your emotional security in any partnership and ensure you’re fostering that environment on your side. When you are both in a place where you feel emotionally safe—you can let down your guard and be yourselves—anything is possible.

To help you determine where you are in your relationship, take this free quiz.
____________________________________________________________
Photo Credit: Milan Popovic – Unsplash

2 Steps To Overcome Impostor Syndrome – Jayson Gaddis – 340

Have you ever found yourself putting on a mask to fit in? Were you afraid others might notice and call you out?

If so, you‘ve experienced Impostor Syndrome – the fear of being exposed as someone you‘re not, just like an impostor.

In this week‘s episode, you‘ll learn why we experience it, what it means for your relationships and how you can start overcoming it today with the Two-Step Action Plan.

If you‘ve suffered from Impostor Syndrome (or still do), this is life-changing for you. Take a listen here:

Useful Links:

Why Do I Withdraw from My Partner?

Are you a distancer in your relationship? You know—are you someone who pulls away or withdraws when things get emotionally intense?

If that very question made you want to retreat, don’t panic. Being a distancer doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or anything like that. But whether you’re the person who pulls away or you’ve been with someone who has, this is something important to recognize, and acknowledging it will help your current and future relationships.

Most likely, you’re not pulling away from your partner in an effort to hurt that person. In fact, you probably aren’t even thinking about the effect your withdrawal has on them.

So, then, why do I withdraw from my partner?

Reasons Distancers Pull Away

You might be a distancer because withdrawing has worked for you in the past. For some, the easiest thing to do in a situation where you’re unsure is nothing. You may not be trying to run away, but you’re not putting out the effort to stay where you usually are, either.

Maybe you became a distancer because no one else was around to help you when things got tough in your relationship. You encountered a situation, felt paralyzed, and had nowhere to turn, so you got used to dealing with things on your own. This type of behavior stems from the way your caregivers treated you when you were a child and usually indicates the avoidant attachment style. You probably feel that you’re a pretty self-reliant person because you got used to being on your own.

Another reason you might pull away in a relationship is that being alone and figuring things out for yourself feels like the right thing to do. Maybe you feel instinctively that you need to “think through things” and not communicate with anyone else until you have.

How Withdrawing Affects Your Relationship

Going back to where your focus is when you withdraw…it’s probably not on your partner, is it? Most likely, it’s on your feelings or the problem itself. Or maybe you’re someone who tends to immerse themselves in some type of escape to avoid focusing on the issue.

The truth is, your withdrawal may be causing your partner stress or anxiety, especially if you end up pulling away for long periods of time or on a regular basis. If you look at the situation from your partner’s perspective, they may not understand what’s going on or even know the reason you’ve distanced yourself. They might feel really scared or angry or alone.

Withdrawal can affect you, too—both emotionally and physically. If you’re avoiding dealing with issues, that means they’re stuffed down inside you somewhere, and that can get unhealthy for you as well. Besides, you now have a double issue—the original plus the ones withdrawing has caused.

Here’s a video with some advice for distancers:

People Are Meant for Relationships

If we’re meant for relationships, what do you do? On some level, you want to be in a relationship—you see value in it—and yet you have this desire to withdraw at times. So what’s your best option moving forward?

Well, you don’t have to try to revamp your entire persona. In fact, you can take some pressure off yourself right now and work with small changes.

Even just a little bit of communication, a small effort, will make a big difference. Try talking to your partner, telling them how you feel, and if you need some space, let them know! You’ll have a much better chance of them respecting your need if you approach it up front and honestly. But like everything, you have to put in a little work in order to get the benefits.

So next time you feel like pulling away in your relationship, no matter the reason, stay aware of your feelings—and your partner’s. It’ll improve both sides now and in the long run.

For three tips on getting a man’s heart back after he’s pulled away, check out this free training.

_____________________________________________________________________
Photo Credit: Andrew Neel – Unsplash