Do you want more connection while your partner wants more space? One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. In the second of our two-part series, Ellen and I help the distancers understand and deal with your pursuing partner.
SHOWNOTES
- What does it mean to the distancer with a pursuer partner? [7:00]
- Is the pursuer really being needy when they want attention from a distancer? [10:00]
- The link between a pursuer and their childhood relationship with their caregiver. [12:30]
- A better way to ask for space. [15:00]
- Why the pursuer can be an MVP in a long-term relationship. [19:30]
- Jayson’s action step for the listener [23:00]
HELPFUL LINKS
- The Relationship School™ – Roots Community – $1 Trial
- Monogamy & The Smart Couple – Facebook Group
- How to Leave A Podcast Review
Hi, I just listened to your podcasts on distancer/pursuer dynamics. I found them very helpful. I am definitely a distancer and my partner the pursuer. I think we’ve got a pretty clear view on this in our relationship. My question is what do I do when every time I turn towards or show any affection to my pursuer he just wants sex? Thats the only plan he ever wants to make with me. I try and attend to this need but frankly as attracted as I am to him it makes me want to run. What can we do to change this dynamic?Cheers, Nokomis
I would be very interested in hearing any advice or answers to this same question. Thanks, Kim
hey Kim – I just sent Nakomis
– this episode (https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-deal-with-an-avoidant-partner-interpersonal-stress-stan-tatkin-sc-104/)
– a masterclass called How To Deal With An Emotionally Avoidant or Distant Partner: https://relationshipschool.com/masterclass-2-emotionally-unavailable/)
– and if possible see if he’ll do any Relationship Coaching (https://relationshipschool.com/myrelationshipcoach/)
– or listen to the podcast himself and see what tickles his fancy.
Thanks for listening and I hope this helps
hi Nakomis, thanks for your candour. Here are some resources:
– this episode (https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-deal-with-an-avoidant-partner-interpersonal-stress-stan-tatkin-sc-104/)
– a masterclass called How To Deal With An Emotionally Avoidant or Distant Partner: https://relationshipschool.com/masterclass-2-emotionally-unavailable/)
– and if possible see if he’ll do any Relationship Coaching (https://relationshipschool.com/myrelationshipcoach/)
– or listen to the podcast himself and see what tickles his fancy.
Thanks for listening and I hope this helps
I appreciate this two part episode so much. I find that I identify with both distancer and pursuer at times, but mainly am the pursuer. I shift into distancer when I feel my voiced needs are not heard or when my partner becomes defensive. I love the idea of naming why the distancer is needing the space and setting time limits to how much the distancer needs to come back and talk. I will be trying out those 5 points on both!
Thanks for sharing this Sarah, glad its landing and thanks for listening
What if you’re with a Pursuer who wakes up one morning and distances from you when you didn’t see that coming -while dating?
Totally Confused.
Hi Bec, I think more information is needed for this question to be able to give you a proper answer, or better yet might be the basis of a really good session or connection with a Relationship Coach who could unpack the nuances of this dynamic with you. check out https://relationshipschool.com/myrelationshipcoach/ – sorry I don’t have a better answer for you in this moment. Thanks for listening and hope you’re well – Meg