The 5 Most Common Types of Fights in a Relationship – Jayson Gaddis – 335

Did you know there are only 5 types of fights you can have in your relationship?

The causes for them are more deeply rooted than you think… It’s true – if you want to be successful in your relationship you need to know how to identify them and work through them with your partner. Today’s episode is taken from chapter 13 of my book “Getting to Zero”. The entire book is about overcoming conflict in your relationship and this is just once aspect.

Let’s take a deeper look…

Fight #1: The Surface Level Fight

A service level argument can usually spring forth from minor things – being late, not doing the dishes, not paying bills or you and your partner can’t decide on what Netflix movie to watch. As a result of that one of you makes a remark and it leads into a small fight so you shut down and remove yourself from the situation and need to be alone.

What are you really fighting about? Maybe what really caused it was that picking the movie forced you both into the decision making process and it brought out some buried resentment. One small thing triggered a larger issue that is really resentment or your deep need to be understood in the relationship. Surface level arguments usually have a deeper reason and more layers to them.

Fight #2: Childhood Projections

We tend to project our historical stuff on to our partner. It’s common – when you get into an argument and the other person raises their voice – it activates you. Most of us feel activated when someone raises their voice at us. Where does that come from? Maybe your father was stern and often raised his voice. When someone screams at you, it subconsciously brings you back to your childhood. You can start to shut down or freeze and you can mirror this behavior because it’s how you responded to it as a child. It’s not just a partner – it can even be your boss or friend. This can be worked through, but it takes practice.

Fight #3: Security Challenges

Security challenges tend to happen when we question if our partner really has two feet in the relationship or not. This is where a lot of people get stuck. Fights can occur about the most minor things but it’s really due to you not being sure that the relationship is secure because you feel your partner isn’t truly committed. The work is to begin to establish security. The way to do that is to set up agreements that support security.

Fight #4 Value Differences

This revolves around how well you and your partners values can intersect. Value differences can create big problems and as well as resentment. Maybe you value saving money and your partner values spending it. Now you are both frequently fighting about finances but really it’s due to a difference in values. They are super important to us and friction can happen when they are at odds. Ultimately there needs to be common ground between you both in order to get back to zero.

Fight #5 Resentment

This is where things get tough for people… If you and your partner both resent each other and none of you are speaking or are able to learn how to overcome that conflict it will eventually erode the relationship and take trust away as well as connection. You won’t be able to get to zero at all because there is resentment at the core of everything.

Summary: Remember, working through conflict is a skill and the way to get better is through practice.

Useful Links:

The Value of Emotional Intelligence

Do emotions have actual value, or are they just something you either suppress or wear on your sleeve? How can you easily identify what you’re feeling, and further, process it—or should you?

Too many times, we have been taught by culture, family, patterns, or our own methods of processing that our emotions have no value and therefore should be shelved, shoved down, spent, smoked, drank, eaten, gambled, or shoved under the rug. (The list could get pretty long here.)

You can probably guess that none of these things are healthy ways of dealing with your emotions. If you’re out of touch with your emotions—and a lot of us are, especially men—you may not even know how you feel, much less how to deal with it.

Maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum and you’re thinking, How on earth could anyone not know how they feel? Well, it happens…and it has to do with something called emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence Is a Thing

Your brain has a rational side and an emotional side—and while an IQ test may measure rational intelligence, it doesn’t take emotional intelligence into account. This concept is mainly related to being mindful of your emotions, identifying them, and being able to manage them.

While the idea of an “emotional IQ” may sound daunting, it doesn’t need to be. No one’s going to be scoring your emotional intelligence to decide what college you’ll be accepted to or anything.

However, it is beneficial to be able to name and understand your emotions—not just for your own mental and emotional health, but for the sake of others. Since no man is an island, your emotional intelligence—or lack thereof—does affect those you have relationships with.

What’s Wrong with Ignoring Our Emotions?

You may be wondering, “Why can’t I just ignore my emotions? What’s the benefit of being aware of them, anyway?”

Well, just like last month’s crumbs that you swept under the rug, they’re still there. Hiding them does not make them go away…and further, they’re probably growing moldy and stinky under there.

Here’s a short video on the subject of emotions:

The fact is, if you bottle up your feelings, they’re going to come out sometime. It may not be the same day or the same week, but they will resurface, and usually, it’s not a pretty sight after they’ve been festering below the surface.

No matter how much you may deny it (or maybe you’re unaware of it), you’re born with emotions and feelings, which means they are a part of your biological makeup! Once you accept that, you can learn how to work on demolishing that wall you’ve built—big or small—and getting in touch with them. This is where it can benefit you as well as others in your life.

Express Yourself if You Want Meaningful Connections

When you reach a place where you’re able to say, “Hey, I feel ” and express that to another person, it paves the way for much deeper, more meaningful connections. It may be difficult to allow yourself that vulnerability, but ultimately, it will improve your life and your relationships.

That’s what breaking down those emotional walls is all about. Think about it: regardless of whether you feel happy, sad, excited, miserable, etc., what do you want in that moment? You want someone to share that feeling with. If you try to share it and get nothing back from the other person, your emotion bounces off their wall and your connection is severed.

No one wants to have a relationship without connection—that typically ends up being a disappointing one-way street. In fact, it’s really not a relationship at all.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationships is to allow yourself to feel. Remember, your emotions are there for a reason—and they’re not going away! So work on cultivating that emotional intelligence through mindfulness and see how your connections improve.

If you’d like to learn more about relationships and gauge your own relationship score, sign up for my free training.

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Photo Credit: Tom Pumford – Unsplash

Overcoming Fear & Befriending Ourselves – Sharon Salzberg – 334

As someone who’s been a student, teacher, and practitioner of meditation for 47 years, Sharon Salzberg has been involved in the practice since long before meditation was widely known. After studying in India and under several experienced teachers, Sharon has gone on to write several books (something she never thought she could do) and teach meditation classes (something else she never thought she would do). That’s one of her big messages—that ultimately, you can do anything you want to do as long as you believe you can do it.

Your Thoughts Aren’t Who You Are

Too often, we let our thoughts get in the way—of experiences, of achievements, of self-compassion. We all have that nagging voice inside our brains that tell us we can’t, we’re not good enough, we might as well quit, etc. In fact, Sharon has named her inner voice Lucy, as in Lucy from “Peanuts.”

Giving your inner critic a persona, Sharon says, can help you learn how to relate to it. It’s important not to let that voice bully you, but neither should you resist or accept it. Being mindfully aware of that critic is the first step to objective awareness of it—recognizing that it’s there, but not judging it (or yourself for it). If you try to push Lucy away, Sharon says, Lucy will push back harder, and that only creates an internal battle that prevents us from knowing and loving ourselves.

Bringing Meditation Principles into Relationships

Self-knowledge and self-acceptance are key to any healthy relationship. It’s just as important to have a healthy relationship with yourself as with someone else, and those are both ongoing processes and opportunities for growth. Being compassionate with yourself when you mess up, for example, is a great opportunity to learn and grow. After all, there really aren’t any benefits to beating yourself up over a mistake.

If you think about it, it’s pretty difficult to have a healthy relationship with your partner when you’re constantly berating yourself. Most likely, you’re merciful with others when they make mistakes; why wouldn’t you have mercy on yourself? Practicing self-compassion allows you to move forward and be the person your partner needs in the relationship.

Meditation 101

If you’re new to meditation or aren’t sure what it’s all about, it’s pretty simple. It starts with being aware of yourself—your body in space—and your breath. Notice your breathing and use it to center yourself, then begin to let go internally.

You also make an active effort not to judge yourself and your feelings. You can notice and acknowledge what you feel, but don’t resist the feelings or try to get rid of them. It’s not about dismissing your thoughts or having no feelings. Allow yourself to be who and how you are—and not who you think you should be or how you should feel. The idea is to be comfortable within yourself, no matter what’s going on. That’s when you can acknowledge your inner voice, your own “Lucy,” and recognize that it’s there but you aren’t required to listen to it.

Essentially, meditation is a state of mindful awareness, of being able to view your experience objectively without being emotionally attached to it. Once you learn and practice that state, it leads you to a calmer and more balanced place where you can be more present and kind to yourself and to others.

You don’t necessarily have to sit on a cushion four hours a day to get the benefits—but feel free to if you’d like. You can incorporate mindfulness into daily activities that help you to be more present. Utilizing these principles (and the many others Sharon teaches) can go a long way toward your own growth and a healthy balance in your relationships.

To learn more about relationships, go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Shownotes:

0:00 Introduction
10:00 Launching her own meditation trainings
14:32 Learning to be with oneself
19:55 What’s the purpose of meditation?
28:25 Learning about self-love
32:20 Is it necessary to love yourself before getting into a relationship?
35:45 When meditation can help and when it’s necessary to get external help
41:05 Recognizing and dealing with stress and self-judgment
46:15 The importance of your commitment to meditation

Useful Links:

Sharon Salzberg is a meditation pioneer and industry leader, a world-renowned teacher, and New York Times bestselling author. As one of the first to bring meditation and mindfulness into mainstream American culture over 45 years ago, her relatable, demystifying approach has
inspired generations of meditation teachers and wellness influencers. Sharon is co-founder of The Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA, and the author of eleven books, including the New York Times bestseller, Real Happiness, now in its second edition, her seminal work, Lovingkindness, and her newest book, Real Change: Mindfulness To Heal Ourselves and the World, released in September of 2020 from Flatiron Books.

Sharon’s secular, modern approach to Buddhist teachings is sought after at schools, conferences, and retreat centers worldwide. Her podcast, The Metta Hour, has amassed over 3 million downloads and features interviews with the top leaders and thinkers of the mindfulness movement and beyond. Sharon’s writing can be found on Medium, On Being, the Maria Shriver blog, and Huffington Post

Learn more at www.sharonsalzberg.com

9 Communication Tips For Long-Distance Relationships

When you are in a long-distance relationship, you may enter a new setting where you break your routines to love someone who is not physically close by. This could prove not easy and a deal-breaker for many, but also highly successful for some. The strongest factor for success is communication which keeps the flames burning and helps achieve relationship success.

What is the importance of communication in long-distance relationships?

Communication facilitates expectation setting, which is very important from the start of the relationship. You should always communicate things like how regularly you want to see your partner or whether you hope to move to the same city with them. It’s important to highlight all things that you want to share with your partner. The experience of opening up to your partner should be smooth and easy, and you should open up without feeling judged.

Having priorities set helps ease the long-distance relationship from the start. For instance, having a preplanned schedule that you follow daily ensures that you talk to your beloved, even when you have differences in time zones. Prioritize nurturing and growing the relationship into a partnership of trust.

Long-distance relationships have their challenges, but if you focus on communication it helps alleviate them as it facilitates self-expression. This helps the partners learn each other’s needs and expectations, better positioning them to ease fulfillment.

Communication helps evaluate the practicality of the adjustments you intend to make with your long-distance lover. Are the adjustments you made to accommodate your loved one practical? If not, you re-evaluate your options as a team.

9 Tips on how to successfully run a long-distance relationship

While some people can handle long-distance relationships with ease, others need help to ensure their relationship holds steady. The following are 9 tips that can be adopted to ensure there is communication.

Prepare to work through the challenges together. Find ways to beat the time zone differences and make adjustments that reinforce your communication. Make communication the cornerstone of your relationship and optimize technology to your advantage.
Use words of affirmation to show and reassure your partner that they are loved, respected, and cherished even in their absence. Be careful not to use judgment in your partner’s words.
Be understanding to the defensive partner and help them knock down the wall of insecurity. Help them learn how to trust, love, and expect a different result from their past dating ordeals.
Utilize the relationship positively. Look at the relationship as a pillar to lean onto for personal growth, strength, gifts, and capabilities. Utilize the relationship to push through. Let it amplify who you are and allow you to be more of who you are.
Make sacrifices more for yourself than for your partner. This way, you will be happier than when you make sacrifices to change for you and your life purpose and less about your partner.
Never fight over text or email. Always pick up the phone or get on facetime or zoom and work it out face to face.
Be appreciative by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and appreciating the sacrifices they make for your sake. Ask yourself whether you can do the same when the roles are reversed. If you want to make it work, the answer to that question should be a resounding affirmation. Be willing to make the sacrifices being made for you.
Don’t use the relationship as a scapegoat to make changes in career choices and escape the stress of your job by now skipping town. This will feel great for you but overwhelming for your partner at first and eventually yourself.
Change the narrative about love, dating, and conflict. Start seeing conflict as a gateway to intimacy and deeper connections. Use the new narratives as the basis of facing challenges together and putting on a united front.

Takeaway.

Your capacity to be in love is dependent on your capacity to be alone. The more you can be alone, the more you show up in the relationship, and the less you will need it to be complete. The distance can never really separate two hearts that are one in love.

Listen to the full podcast on the importance of communication in a relationship here.

If you want any tips on strengthening your relationship, get relationship help from one of our certified coaches.

Staying Mindful During Stress and Conflict

Do you ever have one of those moments where something tiny triggers your anger and you blow up? Well, we’ve all been there.

Most likely, in that moment, you aren’t realizing that you were upset about something else before—and that the trigger itself really wasn’t as big a deal as you’re making it. You’re probably not stopping to think about your reaction; it’s simply overflowing from a place of built-up frustration.

The thing is, in relationships…when you come into a potential conflict situation and you’re already worked up, you’re behind the eight ball. One hand is tied behind your back, and you’re at a disadvantage.

That’s not a good place to be when you enter into conflict or stress. So how can you avoid being in that position?

Comfortable Discomfort

The first step toward staying (or returning to) calm during stress and conflict is allowing yourself to be upset—and not judging yourself for it. After all, this is the essence of mindfulness, right? You can note that you feel a certain way, but don’t fight it! Acknowledge and accept it for what it is.

Once you’ve stopped fighting your emotions, your frustrations, your pain, it allows you to recognize the reason you felt that way in the first place. When you’re practiced at noticing the way you feel and why, you’re more able to deal with stressful situations in general.

In essence, you want to get to a place where you’re okay with discomfort. That may sound unpleasant, but there are going to be stressful and uncomfortable times in life—it’s just a fact. Wouldn’t you rather be in a place where you can handle them? If you want to calm down fast, the paradox is that you have to “be with” whatever is uncomfortable.

Trying to dodge stressful situations or even attempting to avoid feeling your emotions isn’t going to do you any favors. It’s downright impossible. And since life isn’t perfect, you’ll find that once you reach the place of mindful acceptance, you’ll feel better equipped to handle whatever life throws at you.

Learning to Self-Regulate

You may not feel like you’re in that place of acceptance right now, and that’s okay. Each of us has to find our own way there, and it’s a process. If you don’t learn how to work toward that, you’ll continue to react from the triggered place you started in, and that will only end up causing you more emotional turmoil.

Here’s a quick video on the subject:

There are several things you can do to self-regulate—and these are things that need to be practiced consistently, not just in a frustrated moment. The goal is to be like a champion surfer, riding the waves of emotion and discomfort as they come and go.

Meditation is one excellent way to be calm and train yourself to be okay inside regardless of what’s going on outside. Deep breathing is important as well, and the two together are that much better. Here’s a free guided meditation to help you start.

Cold showers or even a cold water bottle on the back of your neck are great for bringing yourself back into the moment. All of these can start with a simple awareness of your thoughts, your emotions, and your surroundings—and sometimes, that alone is enough to bring you back to where you need to be.

Be Okay with Yourself During and After Stress

Ultimately, the crucial step to take in your life is to learn how to be okay with your emotions, whatever they may be, and do what works for you to self-regulate and come back to yourself. When you practice staying mindful during stress and conflict, you’ll find that your life and your relationships are enriched—and that situation you once found stressful might not be as tough as you originally thought.

If you’d like to go further and learn three important keys to working through disagreements quickly, sign up for my free training here.

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Photo Credit: Quinton Coetzee – Unsplash