Screen Time & Keeping Your Kids Safe Online – Devorah Heitner, Ph.D. – 333

How much screen time is safe for your kids? Further, how much should we monitor kids’ screen use, especially in a time when it’s necessary?

This week, I talk with Devorah Heitner of raisingdigitalnatives.com. Devorah is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World.

Each generation sees a rise in technology, and today’s kids—called “digital natives”—don’t understand what life would be like without it. For parents, this presents new challenges, especially considering the pandemic situation we’ve been in for a year now. How do we find that balance between letting kids be kids, getting our own work (plus their school) done, and keeping kids from becoming screen addicts?

Kids and Digital Privacy

The most important factor to consider in today’s Zoom world is privacy. While kids may not be aware of online privacy the same way adults are, they still understand it to a degree. For example, as Dr. Heitner notes, kids may forget that when they post something on Snapchat, it’s publicly available. While they may intend it for their friends, it’s out there for the world to see—and can potentially cause problems if they’re not careful.

Posting negative comments about a teacher, principal, or another student, for example, is something that kids may not think twice about. Yet they’ll feel “spied on” or “creeped out” if the teacher happens to see the post. It’s crucial to remind your kids that if they want something to stay private, send privately.

How Much Is Too Much?

Tech boundaries can be difficult to set, even for ourselves. All around us, we see even the smallest of children with a screen in front of them. So what’s the “ideal” age to give your child a phone and let them have constant tech access?

As Dr. Heitner mentions, it’s not just determined by the child’s age, but the child’s level of maturity and responsibility—and their reaction when asked to shut off the screen. If your child gets very reactive when told to turn it off, it may be time to start limiting screen use. You can also start slow and increase their access gradually.

It also comes down to entertainment versus boredom (and everything in between). If your child is using a screen to watch TV or play games nonstop, they won’t have much chance to get bored—and boredom is necessary to spark imagination. So allowing your child that opportunity to exercise their creativity will help their brain as well as their time and tech management.

Don’t Forget Real Face Time

While Zoom, Skype, and FaceTime are a decent workaround for lack of direct contact, it’s important to remember the differences and remind kids of those. In the digital context, it’s much easier to type out whatever comes to mind, even if you wouldn’t say it to the person’s face—and it’s also easier to misinterpret what you read. It’s a good idea to remind kids that some conversations are better face-to-face, and even video can’t always substitute for that.

For digital natives, it may be hard to distinguish what’s appropriate to type versus say, and it’s a good idea to model that behavior for your kids. Demonstrating healthy boundaries and not just telling them will give them something to follow while also helping you maintain your own.

Let Them Be Themselves

And above all, stay true to yourself and allow your kids to do the same. When kids start acting different because they’re spending more time online, it might mean that they feel restricted in real life and like they can’t be themselves. Give them the freedom and space to be themselves wherever they are, and encourage them to stay that way through a healthy balance.

To learn more about relationships, go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Shownotes:

0:00 Introduction to Devorah Heitner, Ph.D.
6:05 Problems with how young people use social media
19:20 Boredom and using devices to avoid dealing with some emotions
25:20 Screen time is not the only thing to worry about with your kids
33:50 Is there an appropriate age to give a kid a phone?
38:55 Useful resources on Devorah’s book
40:15 Sharing pictures or videos of your kids on social media
46:10 Action step

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The Biggest Tips For Long Distance Couples

Did you know that 1-in-10 marriages start from a long distance relationship? It’s true.

There are many struggles that come with long distance relationships. Navigating professional lives, social and personal schedules, scheduling conflicts with time-zone differences, and the inability to connect physically on a regular basis. Combined with collaboration issues, jealousy, insecurity, it’s honestly quite shocking how 1-in-10 long distance relationships end up in marriage.

It sounds so difficult. So, how do people do it?

A while back I spoke with Connor and Vienna, a couple in a successful long distance relationship, in a podcast about their long distance relationship.

Connor Beaton is the Founder of ManTalks, and Vienna Pharaon is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in New York. Together, they shared how setting expectations and being open to discussing hopes, dreams, agreements, disagreements and beyond openly is the biggest tip they could give to someone engaging in this type of relationship.

Setting Expectations

From the start of the relationship, it’s very important to set expectations with each other. Whether that be your engagement frequency, your hopes to one day live in the same city, or as simple as what you expect to get out of the relationship. Getting these things out on the table creates open communication which is the key to success in any kind of relationship.

Oftentimes there are covert expectations, that are sort-of unspoken expectations, that need to be voiced and heard in order to keep that open line of communication. We have these with friends, family, and our partners. If these “assumed” needs, or expectations, are not discussed directly then it can lead to let down and disconnect. We all know what happens when we assume, right?

Communication Styles & Needs

Communication needs vary from person to person. Some need a lot of attention and daily contact, while others need much less to feel happy and comfortable in their relationship. Discussing these needs openly properly sets the expectations and can eliminate frustration, let down, and conflicts.

Communication styles and approaches vary drastically from person to person. Introverts, extroverts, and all those in-between communicate very differently. Some rely on interactions with many others to feel complete, while others are content to only converse with their loved ones. Understanding these styles is very important when it comes to jealousy or feeling unwanted.

“Why is he always out with his friends and doesn’t want to Facetime with me on Friday nights?”

“Why does she always seem unavailable when I’m available? What is she doing?”

Again, being open and honest with communication is going to make for a much better relationship. Setting time for each other and understanding each person’s needs and wants makes for smooth sailing.

Putting voice to what you expect, or hope for, is important from the very beginning. Being able to do this without fear, judgement, or requiring too much, or too little, is very freeing. While this is especially important to long distance relationships, it’s really important in any relationship.

What are some of your tips for navigating a long-distance relationship? Drop a comment below.

Listen to the full podcast for more advice on long distance relationships.

Two Ways to End a Relationship – Jayson Gaddis – 332

Did you know there are only two ways to end a relationship?

That’s right—and I’m not talking about face-to-face versus phone/email/text/snail mail, although those do factor in, but it goes much deeper than that.

When a relationship ends, it’s tough enough for both parties involved. Whether you’re breaking up with a partner, being fired by a boss (or firing an employee), losing a coworker or teammate…there are several reasons relationships can end, but you have two clear choices on how you’ll handle it.

The way you end a relationship and the ways relationships have ended for you in the past—whether you were on the ending or the receiving side of the cutoff—tells a lot about you and what’s going on inside. Sure, each of those feels different, but both situations are inevitable for everyone at some point in life, and you’re going to have to determine how to deal with each.

If you want to discover a few things about yourself, think back on some past relationships that have ended and the way you’ve handled them. Think about both sides and what made a difference in the ones that ended well versus the ones that didn’t.

In this podcast, I’m going to talk about direct and indirect ways of ending a relationship. What’s that mean?

Direct, typically, comes from a place of respect. We all want to be respected, so by the same token, we should be willing to give respect to those in our lives. Respect comes from a place of self-awareness, personal security, and knowing what you need.

Directness means eye contact, explaining politely and respectfully, and not attacking the other person or their actions. A direct person will have spoken up about issues all along, so the break should not be a shock to the recipient.

Indirect, on the other hand, stems from insecurity. When we take a pause to examine our motives, are our actions or reactions coming from a place of anger, hurt, or resentment? In those cases, we may end a relationship indirectly.

Indirectness usually looks like passive-aggressiveness, just passiveness, or just aggressiveness. If you find yourself wanting to leave the other person with a laundry list of their faults or the hurts you experienced, this is the place you’re coming from, and it’s truly not beneficial for either side. In this case, you’ve been allowing these injustices to build up, and you feel like getting that last “dig” in will make you feel better.

It won’t—it’ll either leave things in a fragmented manner unnecessarily or reopen old wounds that will then have less of a chance to heal moving forward. And if the other person has told you respectfully and politely that they are ending the relationship, dumping months’ or years’ worth of hurt onto them will only force open a door they just closed. There’s no reason to do this if the relationship is ending anyway—if you value yourself, you can avoid the extra hurt by moving on (or, ideally, having spoken up all along the way).

It’s true that when you’re hurt, you want to hurt the person who hurt you. It’s human nature. But in the long run, it’s always more beneficial to end a relationship with respect and care. If you don’t, the pain will stick with you much longer—maybe even for the rest of your life. And that’s how you end up carrying it with you into the next relationship, and so on.

So if you’re experiencing the end of a relationship, keep in mind the bigger picture. Treat the other person the way you want to be treated, and you’ll both end up in a better position.

If you want to learn more about relationships, go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

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How to Get What You Want in a Relationship

In life, you may not always be able to get what you want…but does that mean you should just give up trying to get what you want when it comes to relationships?

It can be easy to fall into the pattern of setting aside your needs, settling for less than what you truly want, and minimizing your desires in order to please your partner in a relationship. But where does that leave you?

It could leave you in a number of places, none of which are good. If you’re constantly behaving from a place of fear—fear that your partner might leave you, might yell at you, might belittle you—then you’re not being true to yourself and your needs or desires. If you feel like you are always dodging or walking on eggshells in order to avoid conflict, that still means you’re acting out of fear.

Truthfully, it is possible to get what you want in a relationship. There is one big thing you can do as well as a few things to avoid in order to reach a place where you’re getting what you want from a relationship.

If you feel you’re not currently getting what you want, starting with what not to do may help you understand where you are—and where to go from there.

How to Have a Mediocre Relationship

Chances are, no one has ever begun a relationship aiming for mediocrity. “I think I’ll enter this relationship to demean myself, stifle my voice, and diminish my needs,” said no one ever. So why would we allow ourselves to get to that place? Further, how do we find ourselves in that place to begin with?

The greatest way to get a relationship that consists of mere scraps is to deny your desires and change your behavior, interests, etc. based on what you believe your partner wants. In doing this, you compromise not only your needs, but your core as an individual.

You most likely know someone who’s a classic example of this. Maybe you have a friend whose personality seems to change based on the person they’re dating at the moment. You find yourself wondering when that person you’ve known for years decided to take up hunting, became a pro wrestling fan, or shifted from being someone who talked nonstop to someone who barely says three words to you. Typically, it’s easier to recognize in another person, although once you notice it, you may want to do some self-reflection, too.

Changing any aspect of your personality to conform to someone else’s is definitely the way to achieve mediocrity in a relationship. When you get down to the nitty-gritty, you’ll realize the reason you’re doing this is to avoid conflict with your partner.

Avoiding conflict and trying not to “rock the boat” aren’t necessarily bad things in themselves—until they cause you to compromise your voice and your needs. So how, then, do you get out of this cycle?

Telling the Truth Is Crucial

If you want a healthy two-way relationship where you both get what you want, the biggest thing you can do is tell the truth.

It seems simple, sure. But when you think about it, your partner can’t possibly know your needs, wants, feelings, etc. unless you are truthful about them. Stifling your thoughts and desires leads to unhappiness, but truth-telling leads to freedom.

Before you can tell your partner the truth, it’s imperative you tell yourself the truth. You might try to convince yourself you love skiing, for example, but if you truly don’t, it makes things worse for yourself and for the relationship if you’re dishonest about it.

Expressing yourself freely is vital to getting what you want, because you want to feel that your relationship is a safe place to do that. You want to be assured that you can speak your truth, even if it means getting upset, and have your partner stick by you and learn more about you from the experience. You want to feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts—and you want to know that your partner has a desire to discover how you tick and what it takes to help you share your truth.

Telling the truth about your feelings and thoughts needs to be mutual for both partners to be happy in a relationship. So remember to be truthful with yourself, be honest with your partner, and encourage your partner to do the same with you.

Here’s a short video on the subject:

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for What You Want and Claim It

If you’re afraid to be vulnerable in your relationship, your partner will never know the real you. You’ll feel stifled, and your wants will become invalidated—but in this case, by you and not by your partner. Your partner can’t possibly fulfill your needs if they are unaware of them, now, can they?

Instead, let go of that fear. Recognize that you are an amazing person just as you are; it’s essential for you to believe that. When you speak truth and ask for what you want from a place of that belief, it changes the relationship dynamic.

Think about what you want in your relationship. It could be a deeper connection, more sex, a better conflict resolution process; your wants are unique to you. Don’t diminish them! Your desires and needs are valid and don’t belong on a shelf just to make your partner happy. Claim them—honestly—and communicate them to your partner. Ask your partner to meet you in that place.

After all, if you’re willing to meet your partner in that place as well, then you deserve to have that reciprocated.

It’s not too much to ask for what you want, so let go of that belief. Be truthful with yourself, claim your feelings, and share them honestly. It is possible to get what you want in a relationship.

For a look into working through differences and disagreements quickly in your relationship, sign up for a free training here.

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Photo Credit: Sincerely Media Unsplash

The Secret to Good Communication

All couples in close relationships get into arguments, right? Fighting as a couple is unavoidable. If only you knew the secret to good communication. Well, I have it!

If you want to maintain your relationship or marriage, you’re going to have to commit to learning how to communicate better.

Becoming a better communicator isn’t just about talking and getting your message across to your partner. There are many variables to good communication.

To begin with, you need to be a good listener. Then you have to be able to talk in a way that your partner comprehends what you’re saying. And here’s the thing, really good communication is a two-way exchange.

It’s important to understand even if you are a master communicator, and you’re a good listener, the rubber meets the road when you are under stress and at odds with the person you love most. If you, or your partner, are not present, or one of you gets defensive when you argue, that isn’t exactly good communication.

So how can you communicate better, especially, when you’re in the middle of an argument? In a couple, like a marriage, or a very high stakes relationship, when you’re communicating with someone, you’ve got to be able to track your audience. There is a lot more to this. Let’s take a closer look at the secret to good communication.

What is attuned communication?

When conflict happens at home, how do you and your partner communicate? Does one do most of the talking, while the other pulls away and takes space to think? Or do you both start talking without listening to what the other person is saying? In this case, you both are not attuned with each other.

Attuned communication is when you “tune in” to your partner and they “tune in” to you. When you practice attuned communication it means you’re aligned with your partner’s emotional needs and moods and vice versa.

Having attuned communication in your relationship shows that both of you are good at recognizing the emotions and moods of your partner. You both respond with the appropriate behaviors and communication based on your partner’s emotional state.

We want you to attune to your partner, so when they look away, you pause from talking. Or when they roll their eyes, you stop talking. You want your partner to be with you, right? If you want to be understood, you need the other person to be attuned to you.

Here’s a short video on The Secret To Good Communication:

When you both develop attuned communication it can help repair a disconnection in your relationship. Let’s say your partner gets defensive while you’re talking and says, “I’m listening” and they roll their eyes as you continue talking. You can say, “Hmmm. I’m going to communicate with you when you’re ready to actually be here. Your eye-rolling tells me that you’re not interested in what I’m saying.”

So we got to learn how to talk in a way that has the other person stay with us. And the moment you feel dropped or ignored by them or your partner rolls their eyes, you stop because you want to feel understood.

You want a nice rhythm where you speak, and they reply with, “Oh, okay, was it this or was it that?” When you both speak to each other where your both present, this is really good communication, and your connection is restored.

How do you practice attuned communication?

As I mentioned before the secret to good communication is attuned communication. In a relationship, here are three practical tips you both can practice to be attuned to each other.

Stop multitasking

Stick to multitasking when you’re alone. But when it’s time to communicate with your partner, stop multitasking and give them your undivided attention. When both of you are focusing on each other, and not on multitasking, you’re more likely to communicate clearly. Doing the dishes while listening is multitasking. Stop and turn toward them.

Put down the screen

Similar to multitasking, looking at your phone while your partner is talking to you is distracting and shows you’re not giving them your full attention. When having a discussion, be sure there aren’t any electronic gadgets or phones in front of you.

Engage in active listening

When you engage in active listening, your partner is calm and concentrating on what you are saying. They aren’t rolling their eyes or looking away when you speak. Active listening involves interrupting them to clarify what they are saying. It means you are physically looking at each other and making eye contact while giving a thoughtful response to what the speaker said afterward.

Try practicing these tips and observe how well you listen to each other without distractions. When the two of you make this kind of effort, you’ve achieved attunement in your relationship and unlocked the secret to good communication.

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