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Why Do Men Watch Porn?

Why Do Men Watch Porn?

Porn is an addiction for many, but why is it such a big deal? What’s the real reason men watch porn?

Sure, it’s easy to see the obvious: men like sex. Porn objectifies women, and men watch it because they enjoy it. 

But that’s just what it looks like on the surface. The truth is, most men who struggle with porn are dealing with something else—something deeper. So what would that be? 

Underlying Issues That Lead to Porn Use

Truthfully, porn isn’t really about sex or positions. It’s not about sexy women and it’s not about fantasy versus reality. A man who watches porn does it because he’s after two things:

The High from Porn

Dopamine is a powerful motivator. The hormones that surge through a man’s body aren’t too different from a teenager’s—and watching porn fuels those. Plus, it’s no secret that humans seek out things that provide dopamine surges.

The Release from Watching Porn

The second thing a man wants from using porn is to find relief. The release that comes from ejaculating is a natural follow-up to the high and a powerful stress reliever.

What is it that causes a man to seek out these two things through porn?

The first reason is that he feels disconnected, out of touch with himself. He probably also feels highly stressed, weighed down, and most likely emotionally constipated. He could even be experiencing a lot of emotional pain that he’s not dealing with. 

So seeking out the high and then the release of watching porn and ejaculating provides him with a temporary escape that relieves all these issues momentarily. 

Digging Deeper into Porn Addiction

The key to working through these issues is emotions. Since most men are taught at an early age to value themselves first, to disconnect themselves from relationships, and to avoid their feelings, their heart, and their sensitivity, they’re tied in knots. 

That’s where the emotional constipation comes in. Emotions can get all knotted up just like the gut can, and neither situation is healthy.  

As you can imagine, raging hormones can’t flow well through an emotionally knotted-up person. So they get built up, and that’s where the high and the release come in. Dopamine feels pleasurable, the hormones are released…and the man feels good. 

But it’s only for a minute—sometimes just seconds. 

Then, it’s back to the stress. Back to depression, anxiety, pain, and burdens. 

The problems that got him there in the first place weren’t dealt with. Porn is nothing but a temporary distraction. Just like any other distraction, it doesn’t last. 

Here’s a quick video about men who watch porn:

Learn to Be with Discomfort

In order to overcome the issues that prompt the porn escape, the man will need to get connected to himself to begin with. He needs to learn to feel the pain he experiences rather than running from it; be with discomfort; and process his emotions. When he learns to do this, he will be able to do intimacy and relationships in a healthy way. 

Stress isn’t going to go away—it’s an inevitable part of life. But once a man can be with his own feelings and emotions, increasing his capacity to handle things in life, porn loses its luster. The mystery and seduction will fade because he will be better equipped to deal with things in life, and that high and release won’t have such a pull anymore.  

If you’re a man who wants to deepen your relationships, get sexually empowered, and face life like a warrior, here’s a free training for you.
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Photo Credit: Bailey Torres – Unsplash

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

  1. Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
  2. Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
  3. Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook. 
  4. Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
  5. We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.” 
  6. Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
  7. Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
  8. Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
  9. We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal. 
  10. Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here. 

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!