Jayson and Ellen discuss relationship skills we should learn (e.g. face reading, empathy, conflict resolution). There’s no doubt that we have the capacity to have good relationships, because we know we’re innately capable of being loving parents, partners, and positive citizens – that’s what we’re meant to be as humans – but cultivating our relational capacities is actually a developmental achievement and essential ingredient for health and wellness.
On this week’s podcast, we are joined byDaniel Maté.
In addition to co-writing recent New York Times bestsellerThe Myth of Normalwith his father,Dr. Gabor Maté, Daniel is a composer, lyricist, playwright, podcaster, artist, musician, and mental chiropractor – a current day renaissance man.
Hear about how Daniel relates to his father, his experience growing up with Maté privilege, and how he contextualizes the complexities of the parent-child relationship psychologically while providing us with insightful reframes that speak to how we relate to our parents as adults.
A few quotes from the book we feel compelled to share with you in hopes of inspiring you to read/listen to the book:
“Trauma, until we work it through, keeps us stuck in the past, robbing us of the present moment’s riches, limiting who we can be.”
“What joys have you denied yourself out of a belief that you don’t deserve them, or out of a conditioned fear that they’ll be snatched away?”
“Whether we realize it or not, it is our woundedness, or how we cope with it, that dictates much of our behavior, shapes our social habits, and informs our ways of thinking about the world.”
“Time after time it was the “nice” people, the ones who compulsively put other’s expectations and needs ahead of their own and who repressed their so-called negative emotions, who showed up with chronic illness in my family practice, or who came under my care at the hospital palliative ward I directed.”
“Chronic rage, by contrast, floods the system with stress hormones long past the allotted time. Over the long term, such a hormonal surplus, whatever may have instigated it, can make us anxious or depressed; suppress immunity; promote inflammation; narrow blood vessels, promoting vascular disease throughout the body;”
“It doesn’t matter whether we can point to other people who seem more traumatized than we are, for there is no comparing suffering. Nor is it appropriate to use our own trauma as a way of placing ourselves above others—“You haven’t suffered like I have”—or as a cudgel to beat back others’ legitimate grievances when we behave destructively. We each carry our wounds in our own way; there is neither sense nor value in gauging them against those of others.”
“Like our other needs, meaning is an inherent expectation. Its denial has dire consequences. Far from a purely psychological need, our hormones and nervous systems clock its presence or absence. As a medical study in 2020 found, the “presence [of] and search for meaning in life are important for health and well-being.” Simply put, the more meaningful you find your life, the better your measures of mental and physical health are likely to be.
April from Austin asks, “You’re always talking about ‘doing the work’; what does that mean? Also, dealing with ‘inner child work,’ does this mean getting a therapist?”
Lance wonders, “When does inner child work end? And how do we know when it’s finished?” Tune in for another Ask Me Anything episode where Jayson answers listener questions.
Curtis asks, “In your expertise, do you perceive that attachment wounds and attachment styles are healed and transformed during partnership or outside of that? I’m curious to hear your thoughts because I’ve been doing a bit of research and finding different takes on it…”
Another listener wonders if these phrases signal a lack of personal responsibility in a codependent relationship: “‘I can only feel okay when she (or he) is feeling okay,’ ‘I feel I need to make her (or him) happy,’ and ‘Happy wife, happy life’; how would an attachment framework view codependency?”.
Ellen and Jayson address how we can heal our attachment wounds/adapt our attachment styles, highlight how we impact one another, and discuss the importance of finding common ground to propel the relationship forward. Stay tuned to the end for your action steps.
Annie Lalla brings the heat in this magnificent episode chock-full of hacks, insights, self-empowerment, love, and wisdom. Damn, can this woman spin some distinctions and reframe common challenges many of us face with simple, detailed examples of ways we can work to transform ourselves and our relationships into the magic we long for. It’s a must-listen-to (probably two or three times), and if you’re a note-taker, you’re going to want to grab your journal. This one is a doozie.
