relationships Archives - Page 11 of 21 - The Relationship School®

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Have you ever been haunted by the question “Should I stay or should I go?” Plagued by it, back and forth, not finding the answer, not settling into any kind of certainty of your path?

This question used to haunt me. There it was, lurking in corners like a pesky varmint, scaring me, bugging me, staring into my face.

I tried my best to answer it until the confusion became unbearable, and I would numb out.

After all numbing out was more comfortable than facing this bloody question with no hope of finding an answer.

I was stuck in indecision. And I was slowly losing my ompf.

Indecision was like a slow inner bleed. It robbed me of my powers. It was the reason I reached for the next cookie, stuck on the couch. It was the slow inner drip that made me sleepy, lured me into hope for magical solutions.

If I could just be better, if I could show up more feminine, more attractive. Then… If he would just wake up and change, if he would just find a friend to help him improve this or that. Then…

For me, the pain only grew. Half-awake I saw myself slipping away into the grey.

I would catch my reflection accidentally. The tired sadness in my face startled me.

Until I found the guts to look myself straight in the eye:

How are you, self?

And I kept answering myself:

I am confused. I don’t know what I should do. I feel such a longing for this relationship to blossom into full potential. I feel weak and exhausted. I judge myself for not getting it right. I am ashamed to fail yet again. I am afraid to hurt him. I am afraid to damage our kids. I am afraid to make the wrong decision.

It was like riding a great big powerful beast. A dragon. A dragon with a bleeding wound. Only for my dragon, this wound was not hidden or internal. She was writhing, fighting, in full knowledge of her bonds and wounds.

Instead of running away, I began visiting the dragon. I found community to help me sit with her and bring her my full presence. I learned that my dragon was powerful. I began to see that, ungoverned, all she knew was fight, flight, or freeze. I saw how she breathed fire when scared, and that her fire had an enormous heat. Enough to kill a man. I learned that she was innocent, for she had no reason. Swimming in her thick skull was a reptilian brain.

I found guides who taught me how to keep steady and be with her, when she was sad and scared. I learned how to give her space to writhe and thrash when she was mad, and slowly I trained my ability to contain her to keep her from hurting others or herself.

Over time, we forged a relationship, my inner beast and me.

If you watched Avatar – it was like I had connected my braid to her. The power and agony in her that once had scared me, had tried to throw me off, was now the power in me.

She trusted me. She was ready to hear my command. She and I were one.

My question was not “should I stay or should I go” anymore.

Right then I knew both paths – staying and going – to be painful and exhilarating.

The fantasy of the right decision – it fell away. The dream of finding my soulmate in a new person I was yet to meet – I dropped it. The goal I had for my marriage changed from “I want happy” to a bigger vision (you can read Jayson’s take on the main goal of a high functioning marriage here). Knowing myself better I learned to differentiate the impulses of my dragon from the wiser council of my mind and heart. I saw how I had still a lot of work to do before I could fight well when my husband and I were in conflict. As long as our inner dragons were colliding, our hearts would not be open to each other.

Turning my attention directly and unflinchingly onto myself had proved to be the liberating move. Where the agony was, there lay my power to turn things around.

It was not important if I stayed or went. It was important to know that whatever choice I made was my own, active choice.

The right path was the path I chose.

It was the direction I set my eyes on. The call of my dragon-heart that led the way:

I chose to stay in my marriage. Since then my marriage is the path I choose every single day when I wake up in the morning.

From that place, I have a bigger view. I see that I have not yet given it my all. And I am always free to revisit my question.

Today I am in my marriage with all my heart. For my dragon and me, there is room for a lot of things. But not for falling asleep again for any length of time.

I have work to do.

I have love to live.

First Days At The Relationship School – Finding The Courage To Go

A year ago I found myself caught between two very strong forces: The pull towards The Relationship School® in Boulder, CO and the passion for our family life in my Swiss village. I was stressed and confused. These forces were tucking at me strongly, persistently.

Shoud I really go? Was it just midlife-crisis that had me jump into this adventure, or was there any wisdom in leaving my family for a week and flying over the Atlantic?

I chose to go. And I found a path that I have been following ever since with all my heart. Here is how one boy I never met gave me the courage to go:

Swiss mountains around me, packing list in my hand. My head insists I am going in the wrong direction: to the US. I have been looking forward to The Relationship School® in Boulder for months. Now my body stalls.

Just now my village home is paradise.

Only yesterday my kids had formed a circus with their friends. The arena was under Miriam’s linden tree, by the pony barn. The afternoon sun was shining through the branches. The children jumped and danced on a board balanced over an old tin bucket. My heart burst with gratitude and joy – the last thing I wanted to do was leave my little girl to go to the US.

There she was, swinging dangerously, smiling and throwing the first dried leaves into the air from her pocket. All-natural confetti.

It was only because I created my own hell in the midst of this paradise that I was now getting ready to leave for a seven-day-trip. As it turned out for me, awakening to this hell, led to finding Jayson Gaddis and his Smart Couple Podcast. Which was the beginning of a fundamental re-gardening process: very slowly I was turning the destitute industrial area of our marriage to match our idyllic surroundings of lush greenery, spaces maintained with love and abundant signs of community.

I dropped the packing list and used the last hour before my children would walk down from the village school to ride down to the lake, getting our groceries from the organic co-op.

As I was pedalling up the hill again I remembered an email from a German friend. He was housing a refugee boy from Syria: Maher. Maher’s mother was killed on their flight from war, and his father and siblings were scattered over Europe. My friend was asking for help to reunite Maher with his family. All it would take was some luck and a few thousand Euros to cover plane fares. This was my chance to bribe the universe and to quiet my fears about travelling without my family. I put my bike away and went straight to my laptop to make a donation.

Helping out this boy gave me the courage to face my own fears. It also helped me connect my travels with one of my highest values: being of service. Learning about relationship would serve world peace — it may sound far fetched, but it seemed clear as rain to me: I was travelling for myself, for my family, and for Maher.

Then I finally packed. One day and a 15+ hour plane journey later I joined just over 50 people at Boulder’s Integral Center for the first ever Relationship School Live Weekend. For about half of us this was also the kick-off to a nine-month journey, studying the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships in order to become well-practiced “love warriors”.

Jayson and his wife Ellen Boeder fed us neurophysiological knowledge and role-played common situations in the “full catastrophe” of family life. They modelled the attitude, timing and language that can turn a relational challenge into love. We repeated the moves in real-time exchanges and learnt how this felt in our own bodies. Over time, I could practically feel my relational muscles become stronger!

I was in a jet lag haze that seemed supportive of opening my heart through sheer exhaustion. Practicing with the other students meant checking in with myself, opening my heart and entering an intimate exchange.

Over and over I failed or succeeded to stay connected to myself, keep my heart open and stay in intimacy. This was taking it much further than countless hours spent on the meditation cushion, as essential as they are to me.

Whatever sense of awakened love I was feeling was directly put to the test of actual relating.

The day after the Live Weekend I found myself sitting in Trident Café, Boulder, with a massive soul hangover, clear mind and expansive heart, my relational muscles slightly sore.

Just as working out makes my body feel confident and alive, I was filled with new confidence to bring home to my family, my entire relational life. If this were to wear off, I was still left with a down-to-earth set of practical tools, a map and a compass.

I was intent on expanding paradise by tending to my marriage: to me it’s the most important thing in my small privileged life, and the best contribution I can think of to create a global garden in which my family and Maher can heal and thrive.

Packing that morning for my trip home, I checked email one last time. My German friend had sent a note: in the few days since my donation, the fund to bring Maher’s family together had grown to over 3500 Euros. People had teamed up to organize flea markets, offer legal counsel and sent money to make a difference for this boy. My heart softened as I realized how eager people are to do something practical to help relieve suffering in the world.

With the Rocky Mountains at my back and a thick Relationship School® manual in my bag, there was no doubt I was going in the right direction, my direction.

I was bringing back home a keen determination to live in integrity beyond my meditation cushion, a set of tools for everyday, heart-swelling memories and a small to medium sized “cowboy hat” for my kids to parade around our Swiss village.

And most importantly I was bringing myself back home.

(One last thing on Maher: It turned out to be a long and difficult process to get the visas for Maher’s father and siblings. In the end it took a whole year. Miraculously, just as I am posting this now I got an overjoyed email from his foster parents with a family picture: tearful laughing faces. . . . The day had finally come when Maher, his father and his siblings were reunited. Big out breath. Yes!!)

The #1 Reason Married Couples Stop Having Sex

Is it common for married couples to stop having sex after many years of marriage?

Hell yes!

In my own marriage of 10 years, we’ve had short periods of no sex. Here’s why we and so many other couples might let their sex life drift…

(Full episode here.)

Yup. It’s that simple.

The number one reason couples stop having sex is:

Fear.

Fear of what?

So many things. But most often a couple will unconsciously slide into fear and then come up with some lame external excuse like, “I’ve lost the attraction” or, “We just aren’t in love anymore.”

While these might be partially true, there’s always more to the story.

So, what do we do?

If you are in a sexless marriage, instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me or my partner?” (which is more blame), try asking a more intelligent question like, “How do we face our fears and anxiety around sexual intimacy?”

By first asking this important question, married couples can begin to tackle their fears.

We can make it even more vulnerable and sexy by sitting on the bed naked together with no other agenda than to state our fears in front of one another. Take turns saying, “I’m scared…” and fill in the blank. Go slow enough to feel and not dissociate.

Be courageous and face the deep vulnerability that sex can bring. Tender, naked, raw, beautiful…

Just make the simple move of owning your fear. By doing this, we are making a very intimate statement. And this level of vulnerability is lubrication for sex.

Tune into The Smart Couple Podcast for more long-term relationship advice.

Connection Starts with Me

I recently started something new. I changed my career. I changed my life. I trained and studied for a year with Jayson Gaddis and became a Certified Relationship Coach. Now I am on a new path and I’m feeling really energized and exposed.

It’s invigorating and scary to put myself out there. To move toward the discomfort of possible “rejection” or “failure” that I may experience… And I know that real authentic connection happens in my life when I let myself be seen. I know that I step into my power when I am willing to be vulnerable and share myself.

So here are a few pieces of me that I would like you to see, and perhaps in seeing me in my power and in my vulnerability, and most of all in my humanness, you will be reminded that you aren’t alone on your journey. (more…)

The One Thing That Matters More To Me Than Being Understood

I remember the last time I felt completely misunderstood and unseen. Feels really bad, right?

And even worse, it was my husband of 13 years who did not seem to understand me. At all. Until recently, I would have let it go, silently brooded and put my indignation on a growing pile of resentments.

I would have remembered a lover from years ago. The one who really understood me. The one who read poetry, like I do. I would have silently longed for a ghost from the past and endured my “fate”. I would have been thinking about how I would die, and my husband would discover my diaries. All my incredible thoughts would open his eyes and heart, and he would be filled with regret and longing. But then it would be too late…

Remembering this I feel pathetic. But, if I am honest, I did sometimes have such romantic thoughts. (more…)

The 9 Most Common Relationship Mistakes And What To Do Instead

During the honeymoon phase of any relationship, we are all very smart. It’s hard to do anything wrong because it all feels so damn good. It’s one big puppy pile and puppy piles are pretty damn easy.

But once the metaphorical beer goggles wear off and you sober up to the reality that your partner is a real pain in the ass, it’s a whole new ball game. And, if you bring your “know-it-all” attitude to the table, you’re pretty much screwed.

So, instead of thinking you know how relationships work this year, let’s assume that you are making at least 5 of these mistakes and that you have something to learn.

Why admit to these mistakes?

By admitting you suck at long-term relationship, you are humble enough to learn a new way. In fact, after reading these mistakes, I’ll give you one, and only one, tip to change turn every single one of these mistakes around. (more…)