When Your Partner Doesn’t Need Anything – Jayson Gaddis and Ellen Boeder – 330

In this week’s podcast, my wife Ellen and I answer a common question: What do we do with this person who is saying they don’t need anything? We posted a short video on this, and it received so many comments we thought we’d elaborate. 

We talked about attachment styles in previous podcasts on distancer/pursuer dynamics. This subject is very similar. We want to unpack this dynamic to see what’s going on and give you some communication tips. 

You might be that person who doesn’t need anything. Or you’re the one who has a lot to talk about in the relationship. This podcast can help both of you communicate better when it comes to expressing your needs in your relationship. 

Independent partners: how does it happen?  

What is going on when you’re with someone who claims they do not need anything? They might say to you, “I don’t need anything, I’m fine.” Or it’s the way they behave that gives an impression they don’t need anything in the relationship. Why is your partner this way? 

It can be related to the way your partner was raised. Maybe their family dynamic encouraged your partner to do things without any help. Did your partner grow up reaching out to their family for support? Or did they keep things to themselves and try to figure out things on their own? Were their parents interested to know what was happening in your partner’s inner world?

Depending on their answers, anyone would adapt to a family culture that stressed independence and grows up to be someone independent. With a partner who doesn’t need anything, they probably had to not need anything as a child. 

What should you do when your partner says they don’t need anything in a relationship? 

Perhaps your partner is an independent person. Before you got together in a relationship, they functioned very well on their own. In general, they don’t need a lot from people. 

What do we do with this person who is saying they don’t need anything? First, you need to understand your partner a little bit better. You need to understand when your partner says they don’t need anything, it doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care about you or your feelings. That’s rarely the case. 

By understanding the way they were brought up, who they are, how they are built, and move through the world, both of you can navigate your needs in the relationship. 

If this is something that’s bothering you in your relationship and you want to address it, approach your partner with a deeper understanding and have a conversation about it. 

For instance, you can start the conversation with, “It seems like you don’t need anything and you say you’re fine. Well, we’re in a relationship. I’m curious because you’re with me, you chose to be with me as your partner. Could we make the argument that you do need some stuff? And what are those things you need from me? Otherwise, why are we together?” 

Or you could say something like, “What I would love here is to make a request. I would really like to know how you would like our relationship to go? What do you think about that?” Another approach is, “We’re really different. But what’s something we can both get what we want from our relationship?”  

The goal of having this conversation is for both of you to find your way together and fulfill each other’s needs even when one partner says they don’t need anything. 

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Training To Be A Relationship Coach – Jayson Gaddis and RCT Students – 329

Are you a natural helper? Do people easily open up to you about things going on in their relationship? If you’re a good listener and love to help others, have you thought about becoming a relationship coach? 

In this podcast, a group of seven Relationship Coach Training (RCT) students joins me in an interesting discussion on their journeys on becoming a relationship coach. 

They talk about the key takeaways from the course, the things they learned about themselves, and how the RCT course has improved their relationships and parenting. 

What is a relationship coach?  

In general, a relationship coach is someone who assists people in resolving conflicts in relationships and marriage. 

A relationship coach’s main goal is to help clients build stronger relational bonds and improve interpersonal skills and intimacy in their relationships or marriage.  

A relationship coach can work with a single patient’s inner conflicts by making them develop an awareness of their relationship shortcomings, identify their non-negotiable needs, and apply those discoveries in their current or future relationships.  

A relationship coach can also work with couples to guide them through sessions where they can communicate their conflicts in a neutral setting. The relationship coach acts as a ‘mediator’ who walks them through their conflict and comes up with fair solutions that both parties agree to work on as a couple.  

Does being a relationship coach sound like you? If you’re thinking about pursuing a new career as a relationship coach, our RCT program is based on my theory on present-centered relationship coaching. 

What is present-centered relationship coaching? 

In 2019, I created present centered relationship coaching after training relationship coaches with my methodology since 2005. Present centered relationship coaching is based on my Gestalt Therapy Training and Vajrayana Buddhism. 

Present centered relationship coaching (PCRC) is an approach that helps people integrate and be truthful to themselves in connection to their intimate relationships in the present time. 

My present centered relationship coaching course is structured with Twelve Principles and five Core Objectives. 

Here are five objectives that our relationship coaches apply “behind the scenes” when coaching clients:  

Presence. Present centered relationship coaching is based on the theory that healing occurs in the present time and coaches work with clients on their current issues. 

Attunement & Tracking. Clients want to be attuned with their partner, but they do not know how to do it. Our coaches step in and help them by showing clients what attunement looks like. 

Client Self-Knowledge. Our relationship coaches help clients get to know themselves better and encourage self-growth and development.  

Coach Self-Knowledge. Relationship coaches not only encourage self-growth in their clients, but they commit to actively learning about themselves and work through “coach entanglement” challenges so they can better help their clients. 

Integration. Integration means clients learn and integrate the new knowledge into their lives, yet we also encourage them to be their own person, while being connected to someone.

How do you become a relationship coach? 

Now that you know what present centered relationship coaching is all about, how do you become a relationship coach? 

First off,  before you become a relationship coach, along with being a good listener and have the willingness to help others, you should be committed to building relationships with your clients. Here are some interpersonal communication tips you should follow:

• Understand the client’s situation or perspective 
• Truly listen and ask questions to learn more about the client 
• Share your perspective on their situation 
• Leverage commonalities you have with clients
• Always have an open communication policy with clients 

If you want to learn even more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com

Healing Trauma With Peter Levine – Peter Levine – 328

How do you deal with past traumas that get triggered in your daily life? Are you unsure why certain interactions in your current relationship get you so upset? 

In this podcast, trauma legend Dr. Peter Levine joins me in a discussion where we dive deep into how his somatic experiencing (SE) method helps with the healing of trauma and other physiological and stress disorders.

If you are a therapist or coach, Dr. Peter Levine gives valuable advice on how to be present in ourselves before we work with clients.  

What is somatic experiencing?  

Somatic experiencing is a body-oriented and neurobiological approach developed by Dr. Peter Levine that addresses the effects of trauma. 

According to Dr. Peter Levine, “Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.” Now that we know that everyone has experienced trauma at one point in our lives, you do not have to suffer forever. 

The goal of somatic experiencing is to help you get out of that dark place when you feel “stuck” in processing past traumatic experiences. 

So, whenever you get triggered by past trauma it sends shock waves, flashbacks, or tension throughout your nervous system and somatic experiencing helps you become aware of all these bodily sensations and work through them, instead of reacting negatively in a state of fear or panic.  

What does somatic experiencing treat? 

Somatic experiencing treats the connection between the mind and bodily sensations by  addressing the following mental health issues and emotional responses that cause physical and psychological triggers:

• Anxiety
• Anger
• Depression
• Grief
• Guilt
• PTSD
• Shame
• Stress
• Trauma 

The idea behind the somatic experiencing method is that healing traumatic experiences can also heal emotional distress and physical symptoms brought on by trauma. 

Here is a scenario. A veteran who served in the war comes back home and suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Whenever he gets flashbacks or nightmares about a particular event that traumatized him during the war, he experiences the following physical symptoms:

• Change of appetite
• Chronic pain
• Heart palpitations
• Headaches
• Digestive problems 
• Muscle tension 
• Sexual dysfunction 
• Sleep problems

Once the veteran attends somatic therapy sessions, the goal is to treat his PTSD and over time his physical symptoms should disappear.  So how does somatic experiencing work? Let’s take a look at titration and pendulation.

What is titration? 

Titration is when the somatic therapist starts a slow process where they observe the patient’s response and bodily sensations as they revisit the traumatic event. 

During this time, the process of titration lets the patient come to terms with the traumatic event and allows them to gradually become less affected by the trauma. 

The somatic therapist then records your physical responses as you build up tolerance towards the traumatic memories. Some physical sensations the somatic therapist is observing are: 

• Breathing changes
• Dizziness
• Changes in the tone of voice 
• Clenched hands
• Hot or cold sensations
• Numbness
• Stomach pain 
• Tearfulness
• Shivering
• Sweating

Once the somatic therapist records the physical responses of the patient, pendulation comes next. 

What is pendulation?

These physical responses are important for the patient and somatic therapist to work on as it is considered a release of energy trapped in the patient’s body. 

Pendulation is when the somatic therapist helps the patient to self-regulate and alternate between the physical and bodily sensations linked with the trauma and move you to a calmer state where you feel safe.  

The somatic therapist might guide the patient to use a certain breathing exercise to help process and release the trauma.

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

What’s The Difference Between Self-Regulation And Being Calm? – Jayson Gaddis – 327

I want to educate people about our inner life that builds connection. The willingness to be vulnerable about our inner experience, and sharing it with another person builds connection. It builds connections in the brain. Especially, when kids are growing up. It’s pretty incredible what happens in relationships when connections grow. A healthy brain is a connected brain. 

In this podcast, I’m going to talk about the difference between being calm and being regulated. Or self-regulating. This is a very very important distinction. So you, therapists, and coaches, I think this podcast is for you. 

Even if you’re not a therapist or coach, if you struggle with handling your triggers and emotions, knowing the difference between being calm versus self-regulation can help. 

What’s being calm? 

I want you to think about when life gets difficult. When another person in your life gets difficult for you to handle. They are stormy, kind of like the weather, they’re cloudy, there is a storm coming, they raise their voice, or they become silent.

 Whatever triggers you have, they’re behaving in a way that upsets you, while they are just being themselves. But we react to them. And our reaction speaks volumes about how we do relationships. 

Now they did a thing to upset us and we reacted. So, how do we deal? What do we do? And what’s the difference between trying to calm down and regulating ourselves? 

Trying to calm down is basically a judgment that says, “I should calm down. I shouldn’t be acting this way by reacting like I am right now. I shouldn’t fight back. I shouldn’t say something. I can’t believe I said that thing. Gosh, I need to calm down.” 

We often do that to ourselves. Which is saying you need to act calmer. So you do whatever you can to act more calmly. And we sometimes say to the stormy person, “You need to calm down. Calm down!” 

And there’s a place to kind of get it together to calm down. To stop complaining. Stop whining. To stop throwing a tantrum and to just suck it up and calm down. That has a place in life, especially, in social contexts. 

However, we continue to tell ourselves to calm down and we don’t ever learn how to do self-regulation. Which is the other thing. Which is more effective.

What is self-regulation? 

In Layman’s terms, self-regulation is the ability to be with our discomfort, our pain, our emotions, and the sensation ripping through our body when we’re triggered.

Self-regulation is your ability to manage your emotions so you avoid reacting to the emotional states of others and yourself.

So, calming down is kind of like shutting down that inner experience that’s uncomfortable. Self-regulation is learning to be with it and ride it like a wave.

 Here’s a scenario: If we were out in the vast ocean of life, you and I are in a relationship and you’re acting upset, I get angry, and we’re in a fight or something. I am not going to ask you to calm down. I am going to ask you to regulate yourself. Or I am going to tell myself to regulate.

I am going to just sit there and breathe through all of this turmoil that you and I are experiencing. I’m going to breathe through it. I’m going to stay with my discomfort and I’m going to ride it like a wave until I’m calmer. Until I can have an intelligent conversation with you. So that’s self-regulation.

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Charles Eisenstein on Separation and Interbeing – Charles Eisenstein – 326

Our modern society presents us with the mythology that answers these philosophical questions like “Who am I?” or “What’s my purpose in life?” But once we answer all those questions through the story of separation, then what is the alternative? What does interbeing mean to you? Check out the video to find out! 

Why does the sun shine? Why does the rain fall? Why do you exist in this world? These are just a few examples of what author Charles Eisenstein explores in his work on separation and interbeing. 

What is Charles Eisenstein’s Story of Separation? 

The story of separation revolves around a certain set of philosophical questions like Who am I? What’s possible? What is my role on earth?

Separation is a story. A methodology and an experience of being in the world. The experience and the conception of self are separate from the other. 

To dig deeper into the story of separation let me put it this way. I am me and I am separate from you. Physical matter is separate from your spirit. Human beings are separate from nature. However, we are all interdependent on each other somehow through the natural world. 

The story of separation essentially means that your very existence as an individual is separate among other individuals in society. Based on this objective, reality has nothing to do with you.

The story of separation holds every individual as separate selves in the infinite universe surrounded by mass, atoms, and force. Since we are separate individuals from nature, as human beings we are programmed to become masters of nature and ultimately dominate our competitors. 

What is Charles Eisenstein’s Story of Interbeing? 

The Story of Interbeing is not that simple. Interbeing says that we are interdependent not only conditionally, as in – I need the oxygen that the algae make or that I need the food that comes from the soil and sun. We are separate from having relationships. It goes beyond interdependency, our existence is relational. 

There’s something in you in me, that if the rainforest dies, it is not just you who can’t breathe. But it says even if I can breathe, even if we have machines to produce oxygen and we do not need nature anymore. Something nonetheless is guiding me when the rainforest dies. 

In other words, it also means what happens to the world, happens to me. What happens to me, happens to the world, and happens to you. That our inner experience and the external world are connected. 

New age thinking is getting at this truth when they talk about something like leaves creates reality. It’s not that simple. Even then the preconceptions and separations sneak in. There is a separate believer manifesting the world. So, this relationship is much more mysterious. We can say that we are in a relationship with the universe. 

​What is Charles Eisenstein’s advice on becoming aware if you feel disconnected? How can you get in there? How does the separate self know what’s lost? 

You are aware because there’s a hunger you feel. It’s instinctual. There is a hunger that gives birth to an aspiration. Think of it as a yearning to know to reconnect. 

A feeling of being shut down can give you the awareness that you can feel fully alive. Not all the way present. If important relationships have been disconnected and that disconnect drives endless attempts to reconnect, it can push someone into awareness. We know there is something to reconnect to because we hunger for it. 

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

The Angry Therapist’s Advice For Singles – John Kim – 325

If you’re single and dating, are you tired of all the dating apps in our swipe-right culture? John Kim LMFT, better known as the Angry Therapist, joins me in a very interesting discussion about dating and relationships. Check out the video for dating tips!

People always ask John Kim why he calls himself The Angry Therapist. His reply, “It’s my way of saying I’m human.” The Angry Therapist isn’t just a nickname, it’s a lifestyle.

After his parents left Korea with $500 in their pocket, they settled in Georgia where John grew up learning how to breakdance and riding his skateboard. Since his parents worked all the time, John and his older brother were often together watching television. John claims he was a child of pop culture because all of his ideas of relationships and friendships came largely from watching movies and listening to music.

In his 20’s, John moved to Hollywood, California where he ran a restaurant bar club for a while. It was very scenic for the first six months, it was very celebrity-driven. He felt like an outsider trying to fit in. But after John felt like he was being his pseudo self. He started living a life that was outside in, instead of inside out.

What changed in John’s life that made him want to become a therapist?

When John got married at 29 years old, it was a co-dependent relationship. She was an actress and he was a screenwriter. Despite selling a few scripts, he struggled as a writer. While he was the stay-at-home husband, his wife was becoming a successful actress by working on movie sets and traveling.

The dynamic changed and they divorced when he was 35 years old. John felt like he had nothing. He didn’t put any effort into self-care or friendships. He didn’t have a sense of self. Once the divorce happened, that’s when he decided to enter therapy.

When he told his therapist that he quit screenwriting, his therapist asked him, “If you can’t do that anymore, what would you do?” That’s when John said he would like to become a therapist. His dream was to have a private practice where he helped his clients.

After John went to therapy school, he had to complete 3000 hours of fieldwork to get licensed. So he went on Craigslist, got a roommate, and rented a room in Studio City. He started working at a non-profit organization as a teen counselor just to rack up the 3000 hours. That was the beginning of his rebirth where he found himself doing cross fit and buying a motorcycle, as a way of connecting back to himself.

How does John describe his work as The Angry Therapist?

John has always been fascinated with building communities and the Internet. So he started a

blog on Tumbler nine years ago called The Angry Therapist. He didn’t think anyone would read it. But he loved blogging because it was a great way to connect with people through his life story. Since then, the rest is history. John continues to work as a coach and therapist and just became a father to a baby girl.

His new book “Single on Purpose” talks about how being single opens yourself up to going on a personal journey where you learn about yourself, who you want to be, and how you want to be. You can then bring all that to the table for when you find someone you want to invest in.

If you want to learn more about relationships go to https://relationshipschool.com/training.

Jayson

Founder, The Relationship School®