self-knowledge Archives - Page 7 of 13 - The Relationship School®

Different Needs In A Relationship

Do you know what your own needs are? What your partner’s needs are? Are they in conflict or do you honor each other’s needs? Wait. Let’s back up. Needs? I have needs? Yes you do! You’d be surprised how many couples go on for years in their relationship oblivious to their own needs and annoyed that their partner has needs or wishing their partner had a need. They struggle, frustrate, stagnate, and remain unfulfilled. Is this you? Or your relationship? Knowing and expressing your needs to each other is a bottom line item for a successful relationship, and ultimately a way to make sure you’re on the same page. If you don’t understand needs, the more likely you are to fight and build resentments that ultimately undermine, or even end, your relationship. If you want to watch this entire video or listen to this podcast episode on needs, click here. Remember: We all have needs and we are all needy. Yes! (Say it out loud: “I’m needy!”) Needs are valid, and we get to ask for them. None of us need too much; we need exactly what we need. And If you leave your needs out or your relationship, you’re leaving a valuable and important part of yourself behind. You have to be willing to stand up for your needs AND communicate them to your partner. If it feels difficult or brings up embarrassment or shame, you have some learning to do here. So where do you start? The first step is to get clear on your needs. The easiest place to start is wherever you have a hope, wish, or expectation. Next reframe those as needs and write them down as such. Next, you might try on that you have a few needs that are not negotiable. These are needs that if not met, are deal breakers. Determine which needs require your partner’s participation. Next, connect with them around your needs. “Honey, turns out I have some needs. Can we talk?” Once you are clear for yourself, share with your partner in a way that’s direct while also non-threatening and caring. By asking your partner to meet your needs you’re giving them an opportunity to show up for you. And if they truly care about you, they will be willing to try because they know it benefits “us”. When you share your needs with your partner, it becomes a way to care for and help each other. If both of you are game to meet each other’s needs, even if they are different needs, the relationship can, and will, succeed! On the other hand, if one of you is unwilling, or you discover that your needs are too different, the relationship may not work. That’s really good to know too! And it’s OK. Even though it’s not easy, you can move on, and find a new partner, someone who is on board with your needs. Bottom line? If you have different needs in your relationship and you are willing to meet them, it can be a huge gift to your connection. It helps you both feel safe – on a nervous system level. When you feel safe or can help your partner feel safe, everything goes better, and you can accomplish more! So turn that frown upside down. Take the risk. Speak up. And earn a fulfilling relationship, full of needs, together. For a deeper dive into needs and how to navigate them with your partner, enroll in the next class of The Relationship School’s® Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships and send us an email at [email protected] to schedule a time to talk with one of our Student Growth Liaisons. Classes start later this month! ___________ Photo credit The Joneses, Flickr

What To Do If Your Partner Says They Don’t Have Any Issues

Are you wondering what to do if your partner says they don’t have any issues? Here’s the answer:

Run!

Seriously!

When you think about the person who says they don’t have issues, can you really imagine being with them? Can you envision a fulfilling relationship with them? No way! In fact, it’s an obvious sign that they haven’t looked in the mirror and can’t take personal responsibility, that they aren’t willing to deal with their issues, or themselves.

Every person on this planet has issues.

The “no issue” card is an ultimate recipe for relationship disaster. If your partner says they don’t have any issues or won’t acknowledge that they have stuff to deal with, imagine how this is going to impact your relationship, especially over time. How will they be prepared to address any issues that come up between you?

Simple… they won’t…

…and it will be impossible to grow together because they have nothing to learn.

Having issues shows you the way:

And if you’re the person looking for a partner who doesn’t have issues, good luck. It’s a fantasy! They don’t exist! Even if you believe it initially, inevitably things will surface. The skeletons come out of the closet and the shit will hit the fan. Resentment builds. Blame happens. Then what?

Knowing and identifying what your issues are is absolutely necessary for your own growth and development. In a relationship you want your partner to know about your issues so you can work on them. Taking responsibility and working on your issues is what creates a good relationship.

So get your issues out in the open. Having issues in relationship IS the path. When two people can acknowledge their issues and are willing to dive into dealing with them, they not only gain confidence in themselves, but also learn how to accept and embrace each other. They grow, learn, and heal – together.

Remember: You have issues. I have issues. We’ve all have issues! Issues get you to the next level – in yourself and in your relationship. Claim your issues. Own them and get on board with them. They are here to serve you in your journey to becoming yourself – and to earning the awesome relationship you dream of.

Learn how to face your issues by signing up for The Relationship School’s® Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships 9-month program and send us an email at [email protected] to schedule a time to talk with one of our Student Growth Liaisons.

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Photo credit: Angela Wolz, Unsplash

Two Words That Changed My World

A friend of mine once told me a joke: He had told a fellow American that he was marrying a German woman (I happen to be a German woman, too). The guy said: “Oh excellent! At least when you make a mistake you will always know right away!”

My friend has a huge sense of humor, and he tells this anecdote with a loving twinkle in his eye, remembering his wife, who has sadly since deceased. Like her, I am quick to point out what is “wrong” and what my American husband “should do”.

Strangely I could never get my husband to appreciate the advantages of my communication style… In fact, instead of inviting him in to meet me and discuss with me, it had the effect of alienating him, and often even shutting him down.

I decided that this was just one more cultural difference, and that we needed to accept and live with. I wasn’t about to give up my love for honesty and directness. He wasn’t about to thank me and feel loved in the face of my next “You should…”.

Until I looked more closely at where that “you should” came from. I was in the middle of my school year in the The Relationship School®, learning about “I statements” and “needs”. And suddenly it hit me that saying “you should” wasn’t direct at all.

There were two words that were much more direct. And far more difficult and rewarding to say.

At the heart of each “you should” was really something I wanted, something I needed. At first I didn’t quite want to believe that, but over time it dawned on me. Each “you should” was related to a need, and I had lots of needs!

It was unsettling.

Then a few months more into my school year, Jayson Gaddis had us speak a sticky sentence: “I am needy”. That sentence tasted unfamiliar. I tried it on a few more times. Embarrassing at first perhaps, and yet, possibly liberating…

And this was the beginning of me using these two new words:

“I need…”

Owning my needs? That’s right.

In fact, here’s a new practice I invite you to try:

Each time I want to say “You should…” I try to stop myself and look a little deeper. Then I say instead: “I need…”

“Don’t take me for granted!”…becomes… “I need to know that I matter to you.”

“You should show me more gratitude” …becomes… “I need to feel appreciated.”

“You should learn how to listen better” …becomes… “I need you to listen to me until I feel understood.”

“You should ask me more questions” …becomes… “I need to feel seen and known.”

“You should slow down and relax.” …becomes… “I need to take some space from you right now and be in my own pace.”

“You should be more present when you’re with us” …becomes… “I need to feel you here with me and the kids.”

Saying “I need” has turned my world around. And, little did I know how much my husband enjoys being needed! How much more at home he is in his own house when I relax into what I need instead of trying to control what he does.

And there is more. It works wonders for me, too. Exchanging “I should” with “I need” gives me freedom of choice. It also motivates me by connecting my actions to my goals:

“I should stop eating chocolate.” …becomes… “I need to stop eating this chocolate if I want to sleep well tonight.”

“I should have better time management.” … becomes… “I need to find a way to manage my time better so I can fit in playing table tennis with my son.”

If you try this yourself, you might notice that some of your “I shoulds” dissolve altogether!

Some “I shoulds” are not directly connected to my own needs at all. Instead, I have introjected them from somewhere else.

For example: I should go running three times a week. When I look closely this is what I have ingested from others, and what really feels good for me is bicycling and yoga. If I push myself to run, this works for a few weeks, and then I fail and stop being active, frustrating, and making running wrong, or finding excuses, or collapsing into shame.

The difference is staying true to me, versus twisting my arm and later making my lack of discipline about something or someone else.

Knowing this difference, I am able to drop the “I should” and instead do what is aligned with me. I can choose to do what I want to do, or what I need to do to reach what I want. It is very liberating!

Now when the words “You should” or “I should” come up in my mind, I see it is an opportunity. Each time they emerge, I have a choice to “drop in” with myself and get to know myself more. Finding the “I need” means reaching for who I am and who I want to become.

Bottom line? My needs light the path to my true self. What about you?

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Want to learn how to own your needs? Sign up for The Relationship School® here.

Photo by Timo Stern, unsplash.

Why Spiritually Developed People Struggle With Monogamy – Ellen & Jayson – SC 176

Is your spiritual growth helping your relationship? Are you collaborating with your partner to better yourself as an individual? Or are you going to your corner of the house to meditate all by yourself?

Their careers as therapists and decades of mediation experience have lead Jayson Gaddis and his wife Ellen Boeder to multiple spiritual development discoveries. Turns out even the most spiritually advanced amongst us struggle with relationships. Jayson and Ellen also encourage couples to discover how collaboration with a partner in times of stress can strengthen each individual.

This episode is full of tips for anyone interested in bettering themselves and their relationship at the same time!

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

- - How Ellen & Jayson Benefit from Spiritual Practice [2:00]
  - Even Spiritually Advanced People Struggle With Relationships [10:00]
  - Strengthening Relationships With Dependence [17:00]
  - Calming Down Together [20:00]
  - Where Spirituality Alone Falls Short [25:00]
  - When “Your” Triggers Should Be An “Us” Thing [33:00]

‘Win a Chance to be Coached By Jayson’

To celebrate my first book, The Smart Couple Quote Book and the Holiday Season, I am giving away 3 big prizes. 2nd place) $200 credit for any of my courses, 3rd place) $30 to be used in the Relationship School store and the Grand Prize is a 45-minute coaching session for you or you and your partner from me! Boom! Who’s in?

To enter to win you must go to the Jayson Gaddis Fan Page on Facebook and
1. Find the Contest Post
2. Like the contest post
3. Comment on the post with what you love about The Smart Couple Book
3. Share the post and tag 3 friends

AND extra bonus points:
For an extra 5 entries into the raffle, post a selfie of you on your social channels with the book tagging Jayson Gaddis OR leave a review of the book on Amazon. If you leave a review, email us a screenshot of your review at [email protected] . Make sure we see the tagged post as well. Send us an email as a back up with a link to your social post.

Contest is open to anyone in the world until December 10 at 11:59p MT. Winners will be announced on the Smart Couple Podcast and Facebook on Wednesday, December 13th.

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO

Ellen Boeder is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado. Since 2004, she has worked primarily with women and is now incorporating couple therapy into her practice. Her theoretic approach includes transpersonal psychology, developmental attachment theory, family systems, and somatic and energetic modalities. For couple therapy she also utilizes Stan Tatkin’s model, the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). She is inspired to support women and couple’s heal and grow in ways that liberate their authentic selves.

How Some Men Show Their Love To A Woman

The most essential human need (after the basic survival needs) is to be loved – to feel loved and accepted as we are. So many people go on for years wanting love and not knowing how to get it or advocate for it. They end up feeling perpetually frustrated, unloved, and unfulfilled. There is another way…

Do you actually know what you need from your partner to feel loved?

Do you speak up and ask for it?

Or do you keep hoping your partner will somehow figure it out or change or express love like you do?

Don’t do this!

You will only frustrate more and create tension when what you really want is connection.

Instead, be proactive. Learn. Explore. Inquire. And share.

When it comes to feeling loved you might be speaking different languages.

Did you watch the short video? Are you this man? Do you show love this way?

Or, is this your man? If so, he’s probably showing his love in the way that he learned through his conditioning and upbringing. We all do this. We make choices based on our values and preferences largely influenced by the way we were raised.

And when you partner with someone, you join your values with theirs. This is where things can get tricky (and sticky).

One of you values work, while the other values connection. One of you expresses love by doing things and the other through touch and conversation. You’re speaking different languages! Simple right?

But painful when you forget this.

This inability to communicate in each other’s values causes you to feel missed, misunderstood, uncared for, and unloved. And if you cannot find a way to learn each other’s values you will remain caught in a struggle.

So what can you do? Acknowledge and advocate.

Take off your blinders of blame, resentment, or judgment and start to see how your partner shows his love. It may be different from your way. Be curious. Get to know what matters to your guy and what love looks like in his language. See if you can acknowledge him and understand what he cares about and how that translates into his expression of love – for you.

At the same time get clear about what works for you. Own it. Communicate that to your partner to educate him about your way and your needs. If you want more emotional connection from him, teach him about why that matters to you and celebrate him when he’s offering it.

This may feel incredibly uncomfortable. Growth often is.

Be willing to get vulnerable. Be willing to speak up for what works for you. Let yourself be seen and known in this way.

Remember that in a mutual relationship, both of you are invested in learning how to love each other as best as you can. This not only strengthens the relationship, it creates the kind of safety where feelings of being accepted and loved can blossom.

As you get to know each other’s values and language, the conversation and relationship can deepen. And you can actually feel loved in a way that speaks to you!

Still not sure what to do? Join The Relationship School® to learn how to deal with your differences.

If You Have A Story That You’ll Never Find The One…

Are you telling yourself this story?

Do you believe:

“All the good ones are taken.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“No one really cares.”

“I’ll always be alone.”

And then wonder why it keeps happening…

Staying attached to this story keeps you in a victim mindset, making excuses about why things aren’t better in your life, why you are alone and can’t find someone.

If you get stuck in the blame or limiting beliefs, or invest here, you will keep playing out this story in your relationships, literally bringing it to life and even using it as a way to “prove” that what you believe is true.

Ouch! Sounds painful, right?

The good news is that you can use this pain to actually grow.

Bestselling author and love teacher, Katherine Woodward Thomas (who wrote “Calling in the One“) suggests that we have a choice: to keep repeating patterns and stories or get conscious and intentional to learn another way.

How do you learn another way?

As Katherine suggests, wake up to the narrative, challenge your view, and get intentional!

Whatever happened back then, happened. You can do NOTHING about it now. What happens moving forward, however, is something you can do something about.

You don’t have to keep investing in that old story (even if you feel like you do).

Dig deeper. Challenge yourself to find the places where your story is not true or the whole truth. Instead of only seeing how it hurt you (victim), ask yourself:

How did this help me become who I am today?
What did it teach me back then and now?
What would my life look like if this hadn’t happened?

Be careful of copping out and making excuses like “It did nothing for me.”

See if you can slowly retell your story from a different perspective. Where are you still enslaved to that old story? Can you reframe the view of pain into wisdom gained from the experience?

As you withdraw your investment from the former account and start putting it into one based on inquiry and intention you literally make room for the story to change. This shift in mindset is essential to free yourself from limiting beliefs. And then you can actually use your mind as a tool! Set conscious intentions. Make different investments. Cultivate new resources.

Sound possible?

Taking this kind of personal responsibility is a way to “grow yourself up”, to become the person you want to be, and to have the fulfilling relationship you want to have! That’s the true payoff.

Still need help with this process? Hire a Relationship School Coach to help you move out of that old story and into a place of empowerment and possibility.