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Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook.
Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.”
Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal.
Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here.

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!

Transforming Defensive Men Into Inspired Men – Adam Gilad – SC 190

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The #1 Reason Married Couples Stop Having Sex

Is it common for married couples to stop having sex after many years of marriage?

Hell yes!

In my own marriage of 10 years, we’ve had short periods of no sex. Here’s why we and so many other couples might let their sex life drift…

(Full episode here.)

Yup. It’s that simple.

The number one reason couples stop having sex is:

Fear.

Fear of what?

So many things. But most often a couple will unconsciously slide into fear and then come up with some lame external excuse like, “I’ve lost the attraction” or, “We just aren’t in love anymore.”

While these might be partially true, there’s always more to the story.

So, what do we do?

If you are in a sexless marriage, instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me or my partner?” (which is more blame), try asking a more intelligent question like, “How do we face our fears and anxiety around sexual intimacy?”

By first asking this important question, married couples can begin to tackle their fears.

We can make it even more vulnerable and sexy by sitting on the bed naked together with no other agenda than to state our fears in front of one another. Take turns saying, “I’m scared…” and fill in the blank. Go slow enough to feel and not dissociate.

Be courageous and face the deep vulnerability that sex can bring. Tender, naked, raw, beautiful…

Just make the simple move of owning your fear. By doing this, we are making a very intimate statement. And this level of vulnerability is lubrication for sex.

Tune into The Smart Couple Podcast for more long-term relationship advice.

Women: 3 Steps To Get Your Man To Show Up In The Relationship – Terry Real – SC 24

< This episode was a lot of fun. Terry Real brings the heat for women and men using what he calls “fierce intimacy.” While this episode is for both men and women, it is largely geared toward women who are with a guy who’s not fully on board. He has some great advice for women, while at the same time challenges men to develop their relationship skills. I know you’ll dig this one. SHOWNOTES:

Beginning of interview [4:30]
Terry shares how he came to be interested in relationship work [5:00]
What is “fierce intimacy”? [7:20]

[bctt tweet=”The way you keep a relationship real is to keep it dangerous. – Terry Real”]

The difference between a good man and a great man [12:30]
Advice for young millennial men [15:00]
What Terry says to women who are frustrated with their men [19:30]
A lot of men who wont do the work for themselves or for the marriage, will get it and rise to the occasion for the sake of… [23:00]

Speak softly, and carry a big stick. – Terry Real

3 key steps for women to work with their shutdown men (this is very good) [26:oo]

[bctt tweet=”It’s one thing to complain about what you’re not getting, it’s a lot more vulnerable to receive it. – Terry Real” via=”no”]

Should women reward their man’s effort with sex? [32:45]
The design flaw in the way most therapists do therapy [40:10]
Parting comments [50:15]

HELPFUL LINKS: Terry’s Books:

Terry’s Website Terry’s course: Love and Trauma A simple tip to get your man to come forward: jaysongaddis.com/helpmyman ABOUT: Terry Real, married for over 30 years! is an internationally recognized Family Therapist, Speaker and Author. Terry founded the Relational Life Institute (RLI), offering workshops for couples, individuals and parents around the country along with a professional training program for clinicians wanting to learn his RLT (Relational Life Therapy) methodology. A family therapist and teacher for more than twenty five years, Terry is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (Scribner, 1997), the straight-talking How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women (Scribner, 2002), and most recently The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work (Random House). Terry knows how to lead couples on a step-by-step journey to greater intimacy — and greater personal fulfillment. Dude’s got a very long bio, you can read more here.

Women’s Sexuality – Christiane Pelmas and Rensselear Resch – SC 17

I got a serious education in this interview with Christiane and Ren. I can get so focused on men’s issues that I lose sight of what’s occurring for women. So, needless to say, this episode was very helpful. Since I have a daughter, I’m particularly interested in how to raise her in a “good” way around her own sexuality. Sure, my wife’s got so much of that covered, but as her Dad, I’m eager to support her unfolding in the most beautiful way possible. So, thanks to these two women and the women who were brave enough to ask some tough questions of themselves and their sexuality. I’m learning and I’m grateful.

SHOWNOTES:

What lead Christiane into teaching sexuality [8:20]

[bctt tweet=”There are 3 primary ways we have access to our true self: birth, death, and sex – Christiane Pelmas”]

How Ren became a sexual educator – [9:30]
What it was like for Ren to grow up in a household that was shame-free around sex – [10:30]
Common sexual initiations for girls – [12:30]

Sex and sexuality is a profound portal, to increased self-awareness, increased authentic self-expression, and of course, to intimacy with self, the world and other people. – Christiane

Sexual co-exploring between children; when is it ok? – [14:20]
Why it’s important for parents to do their own work around sex – [17:20]
Common roadblocks for a girl growing into her sexuality – [18:50]
Sexual pain-points for women in long-term relationship [21:40]
What is Erotic Intelligence? [24:40]
Going into sexual wounds to heal them – [27:30]
How men try to please women in the bedroom – [36:15]

[bctt tweet=”I’m going to maintain responsibility for my pleasure, and you need to do the same. – Christiane Pelmas”]

An example of a cop-out in the bedroom [39:55]
What blocks us from knowing what we want in the bedroom- [44:25]
Simple practices for women to move toward sovereignty – [50:55]
The female orgasm – [58:50]
Parting comments – [1:04:55]
Q&A Section – [1:07:50]

Here, Ren and Christiane Answer Questions Like:

How do I heal the rift between my heart and my sex?
What is the biggest obstacle for women to experience orgasm?
How do I connect healthily to my sexuality in the midst of a busy life-style?
And many more heartfelt questions

Outro – [1:50:00]

HELPFUL LINKS:

Previous Podcast with Christiane – Embracing Diversity in Your Partner

Men’s Sexuality Podcast – With David Cates

Jayson Gaddis – Women’s Sexuality

The Magnificent Lover

Magnificent Lover – Sex Education

The Rewilding

The Pleasure Practice

Resources for female anatomy and arousal:

Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston

Erotic Massage for Healing and Pleasure by Caffyn Jesse

ABOUT:

Christiane Pelmas, MSW, CSB, is a psychotherapist, educator and guide in private practice for more than two decades. She is a Somatic Sex Educator working with couples and individuals in traditional and non-traditional hands-on settings. She is the founder of the pioneering work of ReWilding and the co-founder and principle facilitator for The Magnificent Lover Course for Men.

Rensselear Resch, MS, CSB, is a somatic sex educator, certified sexological bodyworker and meditation instructor. She works with individuals, couples and communities in experiential and hands-on ways to discover the wisdom and power of the body and the innate generative energy that has us come alive and fully show up—not only in sex, but in our whole lives. Her depth and breadth of experience and skill allows her to serve as Guide and Muse for people from various walks of life.