What’s The Difference Between Self-Regulation And Being Calm? – Jayson Gaddis – 327

I want to educate people about our inner life that builds connection. The willingness to be vulnerable about our inner experience, and sharing it with another person builds connection. It builds connections in the brain. Especially, when kids are growing up. It’s pretty incredible what happens in relationships when connections grow. A healthy brain is a connected brain. 

In this podcast, I’m going to talk about the difference between being calm and being regulated. Or self-regulating. This is a very very important distinction. So you, therapists, and coaches, I think this podcast is for you. 

Even if you’re not a therapist or coach, if you struggle with handling your triggers and emotions, knowing the difference between being calm versus self-regulation can help. 

What’s being calm? 

I want you to think about when life gets difficult. When another person in your life gets difficult for you to handle. They are stormy, kind of like the weather, they’re cloudy, there is a storm coming, they raise their voice, or they become silent.

 Whatever triggers you have, they’re behaving in a way that upsets you, while they are just being themselves. But we react to them. And our reaction speaks volumes about how we do relationships. 

Now they did a thing to upset us and we reacted. So, how do we deal? What do we do? And what’s the difference between trying to calm down and regulating ourselves? 

Trying to calm down is basically a judgment that says, “I should calm down. I shouldn’t be acting this way by reacting like I am right now. I shouldn’t fight back. I shouldn’t say something. I can’t believe I said that thing. Gosh, I need to calm down.” 

We often do that to ourselves. Which is saying you need to act calmer. So you do whatever you can to act more calmly. And we sometimes say to the stormy person, “You need to calm down. Calm down!” 

And there’s a place to kind of get it together to calm down. To stop complaining. Stop whining. To stop throwing a tantrum and to just suck it up and calm down. That has a place in life, especially, in social contexts. 

However, we continue to tell ourselves to calm down and we don’t ever learn how to do self-regulation. Which is the other thing. Which is more effective.

What is self-regulation? 

In Layman’s terms, self-regulation is the ability to be with our discomfort, our pain, our emotions, and the sensation ripping through our body when we’re triggered.

Self-regulation is your ability to manage your emotions so you avoid reacting to the emotional states of others and yourself.

So, calming down is kind of like shutting down that inner experience that’s uncomfortable. Self-regulation is learning to be with it and ride it like a wave.

 Here’s a scenario: If we were out in the vast ocean of life, you and I are in a relationship and you’re acting upset, I get angry, and we’re in a fight or something. I am not going to ask you to calm down. I am going to ask you to regulate yourself. Or I am going to tell myself to regulate.

I am going to just sit there and breathe through all of this turmoil that you and I are experiencing. I’m going to breathe through it. I’m going to stay with my discomfort and I’m going to ride it like a wave until I’m calmer. Until I can have an intelligent conversation with you. So that’s self-regulation.

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Charles Eisenstein on Separation and Interbeing – Charles Eisenstein – 326

Our modern society presents us with the mythology that answers these philosophical questions like “Who am I?” or “What’s my purpose in life?” But once we answer all those questions through the story of separation, then what is the alternative? What does interbeing mean to you? Check out the video to find out! 

Why does the sun shine? Why does the rain fall? Why do you exist in this world? These are just a few examples of what author Charles Eisenstein explores in his work on separation and interbeing. 

What is Charles Eisenstein’s Story of Separation? 

The story of separation revolves around a certain set of philosophical questions like Who am I? What’s possible? What is my role on earth?

Separation is a story. A methodology and an experience of being in the world. The experience and the conception of self are separate from the other. 

To dig deeper into the story of separation let me put it this way. I am me and I am separate from you. Physical matter is separate from your spirit. Human beings are separate from nature. However, we are all interdependent on each other somehow through the natural world. 

The story of separation essentially means that your very existence as an individual is separate among other individuals in society. Based on this objective, reality has nothing to do with you.

The story of separation holds every individual as separate selves in the infinite universe surrounded by mass, atoms, and force. Since we are separate individuals from nature, as human beings we are programmed to become masters of nature and ultimately dominate our competitors. 

What is Charles Eisenstein’s Story of Interbeing? 

The Story of Interbeing is not that simple. Interbeing says that we are interdependent not only conditionally, as in – I need the oxygen that the algae make or that I need the food that comes from the soil and sun. We are separate from having relationships. It goes beyond interdependency, our existence is relational. 

There’s something in you in me, that if the rainforest dies, it is not just you who can’t breathe. But it says even if I can breathe, even if we have machines to produce oxygen and we do not need nature anymore. Something nonetheless is guiding me when the rainforest dies. 

In other words, it also means what happens to the world, happens to me. What happens to me, happens to the world, and happens to you. That our inner experience and the external world are connected. 

New age thinking is getting at this truth when they talk about something like leaves creates reality. It’s not that simple. Even then the preconceptions and separations sneak in. There is a separate believer manifesting the world. So, this relationship is much more mysterious. We can say that we are in a relationship with the universe. 

​What is Charles Eisenstein’s advice on becoming aware if you feel disconnected? How can you get in there? How does the separate self know what’s lost? 

You are aware because there’s a hunger you feel. It’s instinctual. There is a hunger that gives birth to an aspiration. Think of it as a yearning to know to reconnect. 

A feeling of being shut down can give you the awareness that you can feel fully alive. Not all the way present. If important relationships have been disconnected and that disconnect drives endless attempts to reconnect, it can push someone into awareness. We know there is something to reconnect to because we hunger for it. 

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

The Angry Therapist’s Advice For Singles – John Kim – 325

If you’re single and dating, are you tired of all the dating apps in our swipe-right culture? John Kim LMFT, better known as the Angry Therapist, joins me in a very interesting discussion about dating and relationships. Check out the video for dating tips!

People always ask John Kim why he calls himself The Angry Therapist. His reply, “It’s my way of saying I’m human.” The Angry Therapist isn’t just a nickname, it’s a lifestyle.

After his parents left Korea with $500 in their pocket, they settled in Georgia where John grew up learning how to breakdance and riding his skateboard. Since his parents worked all the time, John and his older brother were often together watching television. John claims he was a child of pop culture because all of his ideas of relationships and friendships came largely from watching movies and listening to music.

In his 20’s, John moved to Hollywood, California where he ran a restaurant bar club for a while. It was very scenic for the first six months, it was very celebrity-driven. He felt like an outsider trying to fit in. But after John felt like he was being his pseudo self. He started living a life that was outside in, instead of inside out.

What changed in John’s life that made him want to become a therapist?

When John got married at 29 years old, it was a co-dependent relationship. She was an actress and he was a screenwriter. Despite selling a few scripts, he struggled as a writer. While he was the stay-at-home husband, his wife was becoming a successful actress by working on movie sets and traveling.

The dynamic changed and they divorced when he was 35 years old. John felt like he had nothing. He didn’t put any effort into self-care or friendships. He didn’t have a sense of self. Once the divorce happened, that’s when he decided to enter therapy.

When he told his therapist that he quit screenwriting, his therapist asked him, “If you can’t do that anymore, what would you do?” That’s when John said he would like to become a therapist. His dream was to have a private practice where he helped his clients.

After John went to therapy school, he had to complete 3000 hours of fieldwork to get licensed. So he went on Craigslist, got a roommate, and rented a room in Studio City. He started working at a non-profit organization as a teen counselor just to rack up the 3000 hours. That was the beginning of his rebirth where he found himself doing cross fit and buying a motorcycle, as a way of connecting back to himself.

How does John describe his work as The Angry Therapist?

John has always been fascinated with building communities and the Internet. So he started a

blog on Tumbler nine years ago called The Angry Therapist. He didn’t think anyone would read it. But he loved blogging because it was a great way to connect with people through his life story. Since then, the rest is history. John continues to work as a coach and therapist and just became a father to a baby girl.

His new book “Single on Purpose” talks about how being single opens yourself up to going on a personal journey where you learn about yourself, who you want to be, and how you want to be. You can then bring all that to the table for when you find someone you want to invest in.

If you want to learn more about relationships go to https://relationshipschool.com/training.

Jayson

Founder, The Relationship School®

Nature, Connection & Purpose – Tim Corcoran – 324

A lot of people do not know what their true purpose in life is. What if I told you that connecting to nature can help you uncover what your life’s purpose is?

A few months ago, I took my son on a father and son bonding trip courtesy of the Twin Eagles organization. The founder of Twin Eagles, Tim Corcoran, has been working with people of all ages and offers a father-son wilderness program.

Since my son and I love nature and camping, we thought this was going to be like our previous camping trips where my wife and daughter joined along and we pitched a tent and roasted marshmallows around a campfire. But this father and son trip was so much more than that.

Imagine being out in the woods with your son for five days and connecting deeply with nature while getting through challenges together as a team set forth by the program. Let me tell you, we acquired wilderness survival skills and learned how to rely on each other for the most basic things such as food and water.

After we came home, my son and I were relieved we got through it together alive (we heard bears and wild animals moving around at night and we did get a little scared). But we also felt a certain connectedness to each other that we didn’t have before – it was the connection we had with the natural world that made our bond stronger.

We had such an enlightening experience that I reached out to Tim to interview him for my podcast. To my great surprise, Tim has been involved in creating nature retreats for people for over 20 years. He also coaches people to find their true purpose through nature.

During the podcast, Tim talked about his teachings and how he helps people discover their life’s purpose. One of the questions I asked him was, “What are the first steps someone needs to do to begin to make a change and find their purpose?”

He said the first step is being honest with ourselves and asking, “Is my life working?” If you think that the current path you are on is not working, then you need to come to terms with it by saying, “This isn’t working and I’m not okay with it.” That’s a scary thing to do, but it is worth it because your life has a purpose.

He also talked about fasting from bad habits that have a numbing effect on your life such as alcohol, drugs, and the time you spend online. Taking a break from bad habits can help you define what your true purpose is.

Now let’s define purpose. Most westerners think your purpose in life means, “What am I doing in the world?” For Tim, your purpose is not about what you are doing, but who you are being on the deepest level in the world.

Questions to ask yourself to find your true purpose are, “What is my inherent nature? What are the inherent gifts that I was uniquely born with?” In order to answer these questions, Tim suggests you need to slow down in the fast-paced world and focus on being energy, rather than investing in the ‘doing’ energy.

One thing you can do to slow down is to immerse yourself in nature. You can take a walk at the park and this will help you discover what it means to be alive by being vulnerable by connecting with nature.

If you want to learn more about relationships go to http://relationshipschool.com/training.

Jayson

Founder, The Relationship School®