psychology Archives - The Relationship School®

What Are the Two Main Insecure Attachment Styles?

Relationships are complicated—but they’re not impossible to navigate with some effort. When you and your partner take the time to learn about yourselves and each other, it can make a world of difference in the way you relate to and communicate with each other.

One of the things you can study and learn about is our attachment styles—the relational blueprint that we learned growing up. It’s essentially the template for the way we approach relationships in our adult lives. Many of us don’t have too much specific memory of that, but it’s hardwired into us by our caregivers and our experiences with them.

There are a few categories of attachment styles, but here are the two main insecure types. First, let’s take a look at exactly what “insecure attachment” means.

What Is Insecure Attachment?

Having an insecure attachment style means that you feel insecure in some way in your relationship. Insecure relationships are characterized by anxiety, a lack of trust, and a lot of fighting or distance. Maybe you worry that your partner is going to abandon you; maybe you’re afraid they will judge you, condemn you, or be unaccepting of you; maybe you feel like they might suffocate you and take over your space or try to control you. Whatever the cause for anxiety, it comes from the way you attached to your primary caregivers growing up.

Here’s a quick video about insecure attachment styles:

Insecure Ambivalent

Psychotherapist Stan Tatkin categorizes the insecure ambivalent attachment style as the “wave,” because it can be very up and down. Waves tend to feel lots of emotions and maybe express themselves quite a bit.

The insecure ambivalent “wave” style comes from a history of inconsistent attachments as a child. That could mean that maybe a parent was physically there only part of the time and you never knew whether you could count on them. You probably felt anxious when they weren’t around. It could also mean that maybe the parent or caregiver wasn’t always emotionally available to be there for you and you probably felt rejected by them. What made it confusing was that they were there some of the time too.

In your adult relationships, you probably feel anxiety when your partner withdraws—maybe you feel somewhat needy or helpless when that happens.

Insecure Avoidant

Insecure avoidant, or in Dr. Tatkin’s terms, an “island,” is someone who grew up in a family that didn’t place a lot of emphasis or value on relationships in general. Your caregivers probably didn’t take a lot of time and effort to build a relationship with you, and you were on your own quite a bit. As a result, you learned self-preservation as opposed to relying on others.

In this environment, you learned that relationships weren’t going to help meet your needs, so you withdrew to deal with stress and issues on your own. You probably told yourself that you couldn’t rely on anyone else and that you could only trust yourself.

This can get complicated because in adult relationships, you typically end up with a wave, an insecure ambivalent. They just want a connection with you, but your style is to withdraw because that’s what you’ve always done. You might even get irritated with them when they approach you, but it makes you anxious because you don’t feel you can rely on them. That leads you to avoid the one thing that would actually lead to connection with your partner—talking and working through the issue. Since you haven’t yet experienced a relationship where you can rely on someone, it can feel scary (or annoying) to you when your partner asks you to.

Take a Risk

If you identify with either insecure attachment style, you might feel like it’s just easier to be single. But most of us would rather have a partner in life, to experience connection and to be known. When you take the risk of allowing the other person to know you and face them to work through issues (or give them a little space if they withdraw), it leads to a fulfilling and secure relationship. Don’t get me wrong—it’s going to take some work. But once you know how you’re wired, you can be sensitive to your partner’s style and learn how to communicate and be a team by balancing each other out.

If you’re in a relationship with a man who withdraws, check out this free training for three secrets to pull him back.

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Attachment Styles and Romantic Relationships

No intimate partnership is free of problems—they’re unavoidable. In fact, any relationship is subject to issues, but it’s even more noticeable in your closest partnership since that’s where you spend most of your time.

It’s completely normal to go through the “honeymoon phase”—however short or long that may be—and suddenly you start to see some patterns emerging in your partner that you hadn’t seen before. This may be the point you wonder whether you know the person at all, or they may wonder the same about you—but all of this is normal as well. Essentially, it all has to do with attachment styles and the way you were raised. What are attachment styles and what do they have to do with your adult romantic relationships?

Childhood Shapes Your Life

There are a few different ways to categorize attachment styles, but first, it’s important to remember that everyone experienced some type of relational challenges in their childhood. No one is perfect, so you can expect to look at yourself, your past, and your partner and see some type of issue because we’re all human.

And partnering with someone as an adult will wake up past issues that you maybe thought you left behind, but they’re still there because they were engrained into you. If you spent a minimum of 18 years with your parents or other caregivers, that’s quite a long time to learn from them and adopt what I call the “relational blueprint”—the foundation for any relationships in your life from that point forward.

With that in mind, understanding attachment styles is key because it will benefit you in relation to your own behavior and emotions as well as in your relationships.

Here’s a short video on attachment styles and relationships:

Attachment Styles: Seek and Avoid

To break it down as simply as possible, there are two main insecure attachment styles: the type who seek and the type who avoid. Seekers would be someone who, as a kid, would go to a parent or even a sibling in times of difficulty to talk or work through a problem. A person who seeks probably experienced a childhood where family relationships were sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Avoiders would be someone who avoids when under stress because they felt that their relationships were not supportive. Maybe the parent or sibling didn’t want to deal with things or left the child alone to figure stuff out, so that person learned that “going it alone” was the best thing to do.

Attachment Styles: Islands, Anchors, and Waves

Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and author Stan Tatkin has created his own categories for attachment styles, and he discusses three main types:

Islands, which are the avoiders and like to be left alone. Islands process emotions internally and tend to find ways to self-soothe rather than asking for help from others.
Anchors, which are the seekers who look for justice and fairness—most likely because that’s what they experienced in family relationships growing up. Anchors are skilled at tuning in to the other person’s tone and expression.
Waves, which are in between islands and anchors. Waves may have experienced inconsistent attachments in childhood, varying from neglect or complacency to focused attention at times. Waves tend to rely on others for help when they need soothing.

Attachment in Adult Relationships

Being able to categorize your own attachment style and your partner’s can go a long way in your relationship. It can help you understand behavior and the reasons behind actions rather than judging your partner or writing them off as either too needy/clingy or too withdrawn.

So, the best way to avoid more sabotaging behaviors? Understand your attachment style. Even better news is, once you understand attachment styles, you can create a secure attachment together in a relationship when you’re both willing to work on yourselves and your styles. Learning and effort in this area will help set you up for a successful relationship and give you a strong relational foundation to build upon.

If you’d like to learn three keys to communication and conflict, check out this free training.

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Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema – Unsplash

Staying Mindful During Stress and Conflict

Do you ever have one of those moments where something tiny triggers your anger and you blow up? Well, we’ve all been there.

Most likely, in that moment, you aren’t realizing that you were upset about something else before—and that the trigger itself really wasn’t as big a deal as you’re making it. You’re probably not stopping to think about your reaction; it’s simply overflowing from a place of built-up frustration.

The thing is, in relationships…when you come into a potential conflict situation and you’re already worked up, you’re behind the eight ball. One hand is tied behind your back, and you’re at a disadvantage.

That’s not a good place to be when you enter into conflict or stress. So how can you avoid being in that position?

Comfortable Discomfort

The first step toward staying (or returning to) calm during stress and conflict is allowing yourself to be upset—and not judging yourself for it. After all, this is the essence of mindfulness, right? You can note that you feel a certain way, but don’t fight it! Acknowledge and accept it for what it is.

Once you’ve stopped fighting your emotions, your frustrations, your pain, it allows you to recognize the reason you felt that way in the first place. When you’re practiced at noticing the way you feel and why, you’re more able to deal with stressful situations in general.

In essence, you want to get to a place where you’re okay with discomfort. That may sound unpleasant, but there are going to be stressful and uncomfortable times in life—it’s just a fact. Wouldn’t you rather be in a place where you can handle them? If you want to calm down fast, the paradox is that you have to “be with” whatever is uncomfortable.

Trying to dodge stressful situations or even attempting to avoid feeling your emotions isn’t going to do you any favors. It’s downright impossible. And since life isn’t perfect, you’ll find that once you reach the place of mindful acceptance, you’ll feel better equipped to handle whatever life throws at you.

Learning to Self-Regulate

You may not feel like you’re in that place of acceptance right now, and that’s okay. Each of us has to find our own way there, and it’s a process. If you don’t learn how to work toward that, you’ll continue to react from the triggered place you started in, and that will only end up causing you more emotional turmoil.

Here’s a quick video on the subject:

There are several things you can do to self-regulate—and these are things that need to be practiced consistently, not just in a frustrated moment. The goal is to be like a champion surfer, riding the waves of emotion and discomfort as they come and go.

Meditation is one excellent way to be calm and train yourself to be okay inside regardless of what’s going on outside. Deep breathing is important as well, and the two together are that much better. Here’s a free guided meditation to help you start.

Cold showers or even a cold water bottle on the back of your neck are great for bringing yourself back into the moment. All of these can start with a simple awareness of your thoughts, your emotions, and your surroundings—and sometimes, that alone is enough to bring you back to where you need to be.

Be Okay with Yourself During and After Stress

Ultimately, the crucial step to take in your life is to learn how to be okay with your emotions, whatever they may be, and do what works for you to self-regulate and come back to yourself. When you practice staying mindful during stress and conflict, you’ll find that your life and your relationships are enriched—and that situation you once found stressful might not be as tough as you originally thought.

If you’d like to go further and learn three important keys to working through disagreements quickly, sign up for my free training here.

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Photo Credit: Quinton Coetzee – Unsplash

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook.
Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.”
Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal.
Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here.

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!

The Relationship School is Helping Veterans

Did you know that, according to the American Psychological Association, nearly 25% of service members returning from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom have reported symptoms of PTSD? And did you know that most veterans come home and their marriages and relationships fall apart?

Warren McKee was one such veteran who lost his family, became addicted to drugs, and ….Warren’s life fell apart. More on Warren’s story here.

But then in 2016 Warren signed up for The Relationship School and his life completely transformed.

Now, Warren is a Certified Level 1 Relationship Coach that’s taking the tools he’s learned at The Relationship School to teach veterans in Austin, TX how to communicate with their partners.

“I’m providing some street-level tools from The Relationship School to people who may find it challenging, or even impossible, to communicate to their partners.”

Along with the help of a therapist, Warren is providing tools to veterans and their partners to show them how to better communicate with individuals that suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

If you think it’s hard to communicate with your partner, try attempting to do so while having flashbacks of war or being triggered by certain tones in someone’s voice. Damn!

Yet, Warren claims these veterans are learning how to tame their hyperactive brains by listening to others using the tools he’s teaching.

“These tools are showing them what being present in a conversation looks like, what that feels like. It’s amazing to witness.”

The power that feeling understood holds is incredible.

These veterans are feeling understood by their partners for the first time, and vise versa for their partners, and it’s transforming their lives.

When was the last time you felt truly understood by someone? Do you remember what that felt like?

All our victim stories show their true colors when we feel understood and we get to recognize their limitation if we choose.

It may be the greatest gift you can give to another to listen to them until they feel understood. This understanding gives rise to the gifts of presence and connection for those involved.

If these traumatized veterans can lean into their fears of communication and use these tools to connect with their partners then so can you.

Are you ready to learn the tools you need to get into deeper connection with your partner and yourself?

Check out The Relationship School for podcasts, blogs, and products in all things relationship, and check out the coaching page to schedule a call with one of the fantastic Relationship Coaches to support and challenge you to be your best self while getting the connection you deserve.

If you want to get schooled in relationships like Warren did, check out DPIR (the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships) to get the class you were never taught in school.

Wanna learn more about how you can get involved with your local vets center or how to connect with other resources available to vets in your area? Reach out to Warren at [email protected] and find out how.

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In the featured photo, from left to right, are veterans Steve Srotir, Levi Chettle, and Warren McKee at an event for The Relationship School.

Warren McKee served in Baghdad, Iraq from 2007-2008 in the 186th Military Police Company. He was honorably discharged from the Army National Guard. Find out more about him and his coaching services here.

Levi Chettle was stationed in Fort Benning and went on 3 deployments in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. He was deployed to Kandahar and the Helmand Province, and served in the 75th Ranger Regiment, 3rd Ranger Battalion, A Company. Check out Levi’s Relationship Coaching services here.

Steve Srotir served as part of Operation Restore Hope in Somalia, Africa with the 7th Marines of 29 Palms, CA. He provided security for international care operations in Mogadishu, Bardera, and Baidoa. Here’s what he had to say, “there’s a beauty in what’s happening at The Relationship School. Everyone here is working together as a team, learning and practicing skills until they become second nature. There’s no fluff. It’s intense at times. We are training for real-life scenarios and all the moving parts involved. And like the Marines, it’s not for everyone. The Relationship School is for people who are dedicated, focused, and willing to do what it takes to develop real-world relational fitness.” – Steve Srotir, United States Marine Corps Veteran

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Check out The Relationship School for Free podcasts, blogs, or products in all things relationship, and check out the coaching page to schedule a call with one of the fantastic Relationship Coaches to support and challenge you to be your best self while getting the connection you deserve.

If you want to get schooled in relationships like these amazing people, check out DIPR (the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships) to get the class you were never taught in school. Once you go through DPIR, you will be able to apply for our Relationship Coaches Training Program called RC1.