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Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook.
Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.”
Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal.
Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here.

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!

10 things to Try Before Ending Your Relationship

Ready To Call It Quits In Your Relationship? Try these 10 things First:

Get to the absolute origin of why you want out.

Is there too much conflict? Do you not know how to communicate in ways that each partner feels heard and understood? Was there infidelity, and it feels impossible to move forward? Is the passion dead? Is there a basic level of distrust?

Does your partner feel like a stranger? Do you feel like you have nothing in common?

Does one of you think the grass would be greener with someone else? Do you have conflicting values? Does one of you want to grow, and the other is cool with the status quo? Is one of you doing more or less of the work? Is there mental illness or addictions that are impeding health in the relationship?

Don’t focus on the symptoms, such as, “He won’t do the dishes,” or “She is too emotional.” Find the cause. If you do not, you will inevitably bring it into your next relationship!

Write down a laundry list of resentments you both have with each other.

Do not hold back. Be ruthlessly honest while using language that does not blame or name call. Use “I feel” statements, so you are each owning your experiences. “I feel like I never get the romance I want.” “I feel like I carry the burden of the relationship on my shoulders.” “I feel like I never get enough space.” “I feel like growth is not important to you.” “I feel threatened by the relationships you have with other women or men.”

Ownership.

While we are on the subject of ownership, each partner takes ownership for what you are doing or not doing to create the possible demise of your relationship. Yep, not easy. And own your sh*t!

Learn how to repair after your fights.

If you think fighting is the problem, think again. Not learning how to mend your conflicts is the problem. All couples fight, and if they do not, it is usually due to the fear of conflict. Learn how to repair in four easy steps.

First, collaboratively decide if it is an appropriate time to repair. If one person is not ready to talk, that person needs to let the other person know when they are available. Ideally, a repair should happen within 30 minutes of the conflict, according to Stan Tatkin, author and therapist. If this is not possible, make a plan for when the repair will happen.

Second, listen to each other’s side of why the conflict occurred. Do not respond while the other person is speaking. Receptively listen, even if you want to jump out of your skin. When you share your experience, speak using “I” statements. “I felt like you were defensive when you walked in the door and I got triggered.” “I felt dismissed.” “I felt mistrustful of you when you went to the bathroom with your phone.” If things get heated while you are taking turns sharing your experiences, take time outs. Calm yourselves down and reconvene. Better yet, calm each other down. “I see that what I said upset you. Is there something I can do to help?” “What do you need right now?”

Third, own your part. What did you each do to contribute to the fight? “I got defensive and acted like a dick because I wanted to avoid you.” “I got reactive because I felt scared that you would not hear me.” Once again, listen to the other person as they own their part. Allow them space to share without responding.

Fourth, come up with a plan for the next time a fight happens and how you will do better to help each other in the future. Learning how to both fight and repair well is an art form. It takes time and lots of trial and error.

Learn your partner’s triggers.

What are your biggest stressors? What about you stresses them out? What do you need from each other to feel calmer while triggered? Ideally, your partner should be a balm for you when in an activated state.

Know your attachment styles.

Listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole on the 4 Attachment Styles here.

Make a list of your needs, and don’t hold back.

Your relationship is in crisis, and you cannot afford to be anything but transparent now. Know what needs are deal-breakers. “I need you to be monogamous.” “I need you to invest time and energy in personal and relational growth.” Yep, having needs and appearing “needy” is triggering for many humans. And, we all share this humanness if we are willing to look inward.

Go away for a weekend together, just the two of you.

I guarantee after a couple of days, you will have more clarity about a path forward, even if it is a plan to separate. There are too many distractions in daily life that interfere with intimate partnerships. Remove them and see what happens. There may be blow-ups, sweet exchanges, or both. Stay present with each other.

Make a list of all of the benefits of the relationship.

What are you getting out of it? These can be positive or negative. “I get to be with my best friend.” “I get to be supported financially and not have to deal with making money.” “I get someone to do fun things with.” “I don’t have to be alone and face my fear of loneliness.” Be extremely honest with yourselves and each other.

Get support and have a plan of action, whether you stay together or not.

Hire a coach or therapist. Take a workshop or seminar together. There are no quick fixes either way, and you cannot do it alone. Get educated. Allow yourselves to be seen in your human messiness. I guarantee you will learn something and grow. I would love to hear from you. Feel free to book a free 30-minute consultation here.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Find out more about Keri and the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach below!

https://kerisignoracci.com

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How I Watered Down My Marriage With Non-Violent Communication

“No, not like that! That’s not how it works!” were two of the many sentences I used to speak frequently to my husband. I was raised in a direct culture, in which criticism and anger is openly spoken and shown. This comes with benefits and drawbacks.

At first I clung to the value of my direct expression and aggression. I defended myself. I praised the virtue of my “honesty” and ridiculed my softer-spoken husband for not standing in his power. It does not feel great to write this. And yes, I did do that. No wonder this led to his withdrawal. I faced the growing pain of disconnection. Instead of passionate love, I found more and more distance in my marriage.

It was deeply painful. And it was a deeply inspired mechanism: This pain eventually had me take the next step.

I became willing to look at myself. To see my contribution. This is how I found meditation. I began listening better, and discovered the heat of my partner’s pain when I spoke in certain ways. Ouch. I did not want to be the person to inflict that kind of pain.

I felt the shame I held around my own speech. I started seeing how my “honesty” included little mean stabs at my husband. How my “truth” often was an attempt to ease my own pain by inflicting pain on him. I really did not want to see that. Yet once I had the first glimpse, I started recognizing more and more of the violence in my speech. So I went on a mission: Learning “non-violent communication.”

This was an approach that quickly had me enthralled. I read feverishly, practiced, observed and reflected my changes in a journal. I bumped my nose pretty hard many times, learning to “clean up my speech.” And I had a steep learning curve. Things improved for a while. Then something else happened. It was very painful, and it took me a long while to find it and name it.

For sure my marriage was more peaceful. For sure I was pretty happy with the way I spoke now, most of the time. I even got better at “subtleties” like tone, facial expression and body language. But what was happening deep down in myself? What was that unfamiliar gnaw? Why did my tears flow suddenly, when I remembered myself kayaking through the rain, on a vast lake, as fast as I could, violently happy? Feeling as alive as an Arctic Tern? My husband paddling by my side, with long, confident strides, and joy on his face?

There was something very essential missing. What was that blanket, that seemed to cover my heart? Where was my vitality? Gone. That word dropped into me one morning, heavy as lead: Gone. Why was it gone? Where did it go?

In a familiar way, I first blamed him. It was because of the way he met me! The way he spoke to me! The way he looked at me! He did not evoke that passionate part in me! “So there!” I thought angrily… Yet I knew I was kidding myself even as I reveled in blame and inner ranting for a while.

He did not truly have the power to snuff out my vitality. Only I could do that. So what happened? And how did I manage to turn my life into damp toast?

Here I was, remarkably more soft-spoken. Yet I felt twisted inside, muffled. My new vocabulary was painfully limited in expressing my stronger emotions. Even my strengths. The strength with which I drew my paddle through that rain-swept lake with joy…

In fact, I had come to believe that those strong emotions were somehow wrong. My “non-violent” emotions held too much energy. Instead of taking care of these emotions, and acting and speaking in truth to them, I had taken a fateful short-cut: I had watered down my voice using what I thought was “non-violent communication.”

“I feel so frickin’ angry!!” had become “I am a little frustrated.” “I feel so desperately alone and unmet, I just want to crawl under my desk and hide like a little girl!“ had become silence. It was deeply painful. And again this pain led to the next stage of my journey.

How could I be true to my passionate emotions and yet speak skillfully? For sure I couldn’t use non-violent communication as a patch covering up what I really felt any longer. I had probably misunderstood what the inventors of that approach had meant all along. And, looking around me, it seems I wasn’t the only one. How often did I hear soft and polite words, seething with violence? Between parents and their child? “Honey, will you PLEASE stop that banging!!!?! Grrr!” Between partners: “Excuse me…!!!?!?” these two polite words can be said in so many ways.

I still hold the intention to not unnecessarily hurt my partner. But now I also hold another intention: to not unnecessarily hurt myself by betraying, and stuffing my deeply felt and passionate emotions. The way to do that is my current journey. This is what I am learning here at The Relationship School®.

And it has two main steps: First, increased awareness and acceptance of my emotional life. And second: A striving for skillful yet authentic non-violent expression of my truth.

How does that play out in my life?

You can find me sitting or walking with my strong emotions before I take them to my husband. And you can find me speaking with passion, more forgiving of my own lapses, more quickly acknowledging my judgments and “stabs”, followed by a fierce dedication to repair. Life has returned to our home. Life is delicious and messy. And I’m feasting on it.

What about you?

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Photo Credit: Filip Mroz, unsplash.

Connection Starts with Me

I recently started something new. I changed my career. I changed my life. I trained and studied for a year with Jayson Gaddis and became a Certified Relationship Coach. Now I am on a new path and I’m feeling really energized and exposed.

It’s invigorating and scary to put myself out there. To move toward the discomfort of possible “rejection” or “failure” that I may experience… And I know that real authentic connection happens in my life when I let myself be seen. I know that I step into my power when I am willing to be vulnerable and share myself.

So here are a few pieces of me that I would like you to see, and perhaps in seeing me in my power and in my vulnerability, and most of all in my humanness, you will be reminded that you aren’t alone on your journey. (more…)