personal development Archives - The Relationship School®

Why It’s Okay to Be an Asshole Sometimes

I want you to know that it’s okay to be an asshole sometimes.

“But I’m a nice person!” you say. And that’s great…good for you. But there are still times you just can’t be nice, kind, caring, or pleasant.

No one is perfect, and that includes you. When people push us too far, it’s time for the part of us that we’d rather hide to come out.

All of us have an inner asshole and once in a while, it’s critical to have this part of us lead.

“Nice” and “Mean” Are Relative

Keep in mind that “being an asshole” covers a wide range and means different things to different people.

To someone who’s extra nice and accommodating, it may mean just saying “no, thank you” when someone wants you to do something. Or maybe it’s setting a fierce boundary with your child over their chores.

And guess what? You might disappoint someone—and that’s okay if you’re making that choice for your own well-being. (Besides, you’re not responsible for their well-being.)

Being an asshole might mean blocking someone on social media or setting a boundary with a family member who tends to overstep.

Regardless, there are times in your life when you can allow yourself to be an asshole. YES!

You Decide Who Gets the Front Row

Remember that not every person who comes into your life is going to have a front-row seat. That’s reserved for a special few. That is your inner circle.

Other people may try to push their way in when you don’t really want them to be that close. In fact, it’s a sure thing that someone besides those few will want that front-row seat at some point. It’s up to you to decide who you allow in there. In other words, you’re the bouncer.

If you feel uncomfortable with someone or you just don’t want to let them get too close, that’s okay. If they don’t listen, you might need to turn up the heat.

It’s your life—and you do not have to be nice all the time. In fact, it’s not possible to be.

It doesn’t matter how relationally skilled you are or how much you pride yourself on being a nice person. At times, you’re going to have to be an asshole on some level.

Here’s a quick video about letting yourself be an asshole sometimes:

Get in Touch with Your Inner Jerk

We all have one—that inner jerk who wants to say no, or block that person, or tell your needy and narcissistic ex to back off.

It’s okay to admit it. And if you’re going to allow yourself to be an asshole occasionally, you’re going to have to channel that inner jerk.

See, the thing is…no matter how nice, how accommodating, how friendly you are…someone at some point is going to think you’re a jerk anyway.

So why not allow yourself those moments of being judged as a jerk or an asshole?

You can’t change anyone else’s thoughts no matter how hard you try. Instead, allow yourself to be imperfect and to have the boundaries you need.

Boundaries Are Healthy

If you haven’t learned yet just how healthy boundaries can be, here’s your chance. Boundaries aren’t just healthy…they’re necessary for great relationships.

Think of the guardrails that prevent cars from going over the edge of a mountain or cliff. Those are there for our own good.

When you set boundaries with certain people and at certain times, your mental and physical well-being will improve. You’ll be better off, and you’ll also learn who your true friends and allies are.

Not only that, but you’ll be able to relax into your true self rather than pretending to be someone you aren’t. Because you know what?

Everyone can be an asshole at times. The question is, are you willing to “go there” in service of your deepest self?

To learn more about relationships and how to navigate them, check out this free class.
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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? Or has someone told you you’re one?

What is a people pleaser, anyway?

Maybe you’ve been told often how “nice” you are. You might find it hard to say no…and you put the needs of others before your own happiness.

Being “nice” isn’t a bad thing in and of itself.

But people pleasing is a symptom.

Most of the time, you can usually trace people pleasing back to your childhood. It’s typically a habit you picked up or created for yourself as a way to keep connection and avoid pain.

And people pleasing does have a function for those who do it. But is it a problem?

How People Pleasing Can Be a Problem

While people pleasing does serve a purpose, it can become a problem if you want to have authentic relationships in your life. Ask yourself, “Why am I a people pleaser?”

Take inventory of the relationships you currently have and think about their authenticity.

If you’re a people pleaser, you probably have people who like you and think you’re awesome because you’re just “so nice.” You’re accommodating, agreeable, and very much a “yes” person.

And if that’s the kind of relationships you want, then that’s where people pleasing is serving its purpose for you.

But here’s the thing.

I’m guessing that people pleasing is at the expense of a deeper connection—with yourself and the other person.

It’s probably also leaving you lacking in deeper intimacy…the more gritty and raw kind. That’s the kind of relationship that may be missing in your life.

My Advice for People Pleasers

I want to encourage you to be a little messier.

Get to that gritty intimacy by letting go a bit. Loosen your grip on the energy you’ve invested in people pleasing. Try pissing people off—or saying “no” more.

Here’s where it might get a little tough for you, too:

You’re going to have to be willing to upset people. You might feel judged and criticized.

You may even lose some of the relationships in your life.

Sure, it sounds a little scary. But this is the point where you’ll find out which relationships in your life are truly authentic.

Keep in mind that even when you’re doing your best to please them, people are going to get upset with you and criticize you at times. So to some degree, you might be engaging in the people pleasing for nothing.

Think about the energy you’re expending holding on so tightly to making that other person happy—while you aren’t. Is it worth it?

Here’s a short video about people pleasers:

You Can’t Please Others Forever

Let’s say you continue your people-pleasing habit and you enter into a long-term partnership—a marriage or even a business partnership, for example.

At some point in that relationship, your people pleasing is going to hit a ceiling. It’ll get to a point where it can go no further.

Then, you’ll find yourself in an “Oh sh*t!” kinda moment—when the light bulb kicks on and you see everything clearly.

And you know what? I celebrate that moment for you and with you.

It means you’re probably ready for a change—to learn how not to be a people pleaser. Hopefully you’re ready for more authenticity in every area of your life.

It’s okay to recognize that sometimes you’re nice—and sometimes you’re not so nice. You’re caring and accommodating, but you don’t always have to be.

When you reach that realization point in your life, that’s the point you’ll grow from.

Take Responsibility for Your Happiness

It’s pretty cliche, but it’s true—you’re responsible for your happiness. Likewise, so is everyone else.

No one is going to take on the responsibility of making you happy.

So consider this: why would you want to continue trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of yourself, your connections, and your own happiness?

Personally, I don’t think it’s a great solution.

I urge you again to allow yourself to let go. Let that other person get mad. They’ll either get over it or they won’t be in your life any longer.

And you’ll be left with true, authentic, and deep relationships with those who like you for you and not for what you do for them.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can experience breakthrough in your relationships, check out our certification program.
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Photo Credit: Yanapi Senaud – Unsplash

What to Say When Someone Says You’re Too Sensitive

Has someone ever told you this? “You’re too sensitive.”

Maybe they just dismiss you and judge you, like, “You’re just too sensitive,” with a wave of the hand.

This hurts because as someone who’s naturally a sensitive person, you’re already judging yourself as too sensitive.

That dagger goes right to the sensitive spot and you might start to believe their BS story.

You probably tell yourself they’re right, that you are too sensitive. You might think, “Our relationship problems are my fault,” or you wonder if maybe the relationship would be better if you weren’t so sensitive.

Before you ask yourself, “Why am I so sensitive?” or start telling yourself any more lies and making yourself feel worse, pause…

Here’s what I would say to that person who tells you, “You’re too sensitive.”

Acknowledge Your Partner’s Statement

The first thing you can say to your partner or whoever the other person is: “I hear you.”

Everyone wants to be heard in a relationship, and starting with this line makes the other person feel heard.

Then, I’d repeat their sentiment back to them: “It sounds like you think I’m too sensitive. Is that right?”

Of course, they’ll give you an affirmative response. Go with it and on to the next part of your response.

Change Your Sensitivity into a Positive Trait

Next, you can say something like, “I’m actually learning to like how sensitive I am—in fact, I’m a sensitive person and it’s a superpower of mine.” (Your partner can’t argue with that.)

You can go on to explain how your sensitivity helps you in several areas of your life. Give a couple of real examples if you like, because as long as you’re tuned in to your sensitivity, you’ll know some areas where it helps you.

Tell your partner that you’re starting to accept your sensitivity as a gift—as a part of your reality, your nervous system, and your psychological makeup.

Sensitivity in Your Relationship

In the context of your relationship, you can talk about your sensitivity in a positive light. “I think my sensitivity is going to improve our relationship.” Or, you can say something like, “I think my sensitivity is something that’s going to make our relationship even better.”

Own the level of your sensitivity. “I’m just as sensitive as I need to be.” You don’t need to let anyone else tell you how sensitive to be.

You can even mention their judgment of you. Let them know that it’s challenging when they judge you for being sensitive—and that it causes you to judge yourself for it as well. They may not have realized how it comes across and what it feels like for you.

It might be difficult, but you can even tell your partner that if they continue to judge you as too sensitive, they’re most likely with the wrong person.

Thank them for helping you accept your sensitivity even more by judging you for it. By calling attention to it, they’re giving you an opportunity to own your sensitivity and to embrace it.

Here’s a quick video about this situation:

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

But there is one caveat to all this: you have to be working on yourself in order to own and embrace your sensitivity. Back up your words with genuine acceptance.

It won’t do any good if you say it but then don’t follow through—and you just keep judging yourself. It’ll just be a bunch of empty words that go nowhere.

So make sure you’re doing the work to accept your sensitivity and how truly awesome it is. There is a ton of good in the world that can come from sensitive people, so don’t judge yourself or let anyone else judge you for it.

If you’re interested in learning the #1 skill for navigating conflict through communication, sign up for our free training here.
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Photo Credit: Kenneth Gorzal Surillo – Pexels

Why Do I Withdraw from My Partner?

Are you a distancer in your relationship? You know—are you someone who pulls away or withdraws when things get emotionally intense?

If that very question made you want to retreat, don’t panic. Being a distancer doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or anything like that. But whether you’re the person who pulls away or you’ve been with someone who has, this is something important to recognize, and acknowledging it will help your current and future relationships.

Most likely, you’re not pulling away from your partner in an effort to hurt that person. In fact, you probably aren’t even thinking about the effect your withdrawal has on them.

So, then, why do I withdraw from my partner?

Reasons Distancers Pull Away

You might be a distancer because withdrawing has worked for you in the past. For some, the easiest thing to do in a situation where you’re unsure is nothing. You may not be trying to run away, but you’re not putting out the effort to stay where you usually are, either.

Maybe you became a distancer because no one else was around to help you when things got tough in your relationship. You encountered a situation, felt paralyzed, and had nowhere to turn, so you got used to dealing with things on your own. This type of behavior stems from the way your caregivers treated you when you were a child and usually indicates the avoidant attachment style. You probably feel that you’re a pretty self-reliant person because you got used to being on your own.

Another reason you might pull away in a relationship is that being alone and figuring things out for yourself feels like the right thing to do. Maybe you feel instinctively that you need to “think through things” and not communicate with anyone else until you have.

How Withdrawing Affects Your Relationship

Going back to where your focus is when you withdraw…it’s probably not on your partner, is it? Most likely, it’s on your feelings or the problem itself. Or maybe you’re someone who tends to immerse themselves in some type of escape to avoid focusing on the issue.

The truth is, your withdrawal may be causing your partner stress or anxiety, especially if you end up pulling away for long periods of time or on a regular basis. If you look at the situation from your partner’s perspective, they may not understand what’s going on or even know the reason you’ve distanced yourself. They might feel really scared or angry or alone.

Withdrawal can affect you, too—both emotionally and physically. If you’re avoiding dealing with issues, that means they’re stuffed down inside you somewhere, and that can get unhealthy for you as well. Besides, you now have a double issue—the original plus the ones withdrawing has caused.

Here’s a video with some advice for distancers:

People Are Meant for Relationships

If we’re meant for relationships, what do you do? On some level, you want to be in a relationship—you see value in it—and yet you have this desire to withdraw at times. So what’s your best option moving forward?

Well, you don’t have to try to revamp your entire persona. In fact, you can take some pressure off yourself right now and work with small changes.

Even just a little bit of communication, a small effort, will make a big difference. Try talking to your partner, telling them how you feel, and if you need some space, let them know! You’ll have a much better chance of them respecting your need if you approach it up front and honestly. But like everything, you have to put in a little work in order to get the benefits.

So next time you feel like pulling away in your relationship, no matter the reason, stay aware of your feelings—and your partner’s. It’ll improve both sides now and in the long run.

For three tips on getting a man’s heart back after he’s pulled away, check out this free training.

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Photo Credit: Andrew Neel – Unsplash

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Adult Relationships

If you’re unfamiliar with attachment styles, it refers to the way you relate to someone in a relationship—essentially, the blueprint for relationships that you learned as you were growing up. The way you were raised affects your adult relationships—a lot.

Your attachment style was taught to you from a very young age by your primary caregivers—and for most of us, for a number of years. The way your family dynamics worked plays a big part in the way your adult relationships work even if you don’t realize it.

So it’s important to take a look at a few things to determine your attachment style and see—just what does it mean for you now?

Main Attachment Style One: Avoidant

Thinking about your childhood, what was the environment like? If your family shamed you, neglected you, told you you were “wrong” all the time…or maybe they were controlling and always in your space…you probably learned to fend for yourself. That means you fall into the avoidant attachment style category.

Most likely, relationships in your family weren’t valued or seen as a resource for needs, so you learned early on not to rely on them. If something stressful or problematic happened, it probably never got dealt with or fixed.

Avoidant Adult

As an adult, you most likely find yourself withdrawing when you and your partner have a fight or if things get stressful. You retreat in order to protect yourself and aren’t thinking of the other person. Psychotherapist Stan Tatkin calls this style the “island,” the person who pulls away and wants distance. You probably feel like you don’t need anyone else, even though you do, and you tell yourself you’re good alone.

Main Attachment Style Two: Ambivalent

If you had a caregiver who was inconsistent—present and available sometimes and not others—you probably felt insecure and anxious. This attachment style is called the ambivalent style, the one Dr. Tatkin calls the “wave” style, because you’re up and down like a wave. When your caregiver was there, you were okay. But you knew at some point they would vanish again.

Ambivalent Adult

As an adult, you may have a fear of abandonment and feel anxious if your partner pulls away when you want to talk. You probably feel secure when your partner is available, but the moment they pull away, you worry that they’ll leave or that something is really wrong.

Here’s a short video on attachment style in relationships:

Notice Your Style

If you’re not sure of your style, think about your gut instinct when you and your partner fight. Is it to talk it out or to run away? Do you seek or avoid?

Typically, we attract a partner who is the opposite of us, so it should be pretty easy to determine which style each of you has adopted. It can be pretty frustrating if you aren’t aware of how to deal with it in your relationship. Not having the tools and skills to navigate it, in fact, can sabotage what otherwise is a good relationship.

But once you determine your style and your partner’s, that’s the first step to figuring out how to work through the differences as a team. When you’re aware of the dynamic, it’s important not to expect your partner to simply reverse the style that’s been present and instinctual to them for years. Change can happen—on both individuals’ parts—but it’s slow and steady, not a sprint. When you’re both willing to learn and work together, you can function and communicate successfully regardless of your contradictory styles.

If you’d like to learn more about your relationship now, take this free test.

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The Value of Emotional Intelligence

Do emotions have actual value, or are they just something you either suppress or wear on your sleeve? How can you easily identify what you’re feeling, and further, process it—or should you?

Too many times, we have been taught by culture, family, patterns, or our own methods of processing that our emotions have no value and therefore should be shelved, shoved down, spent, smoked, drank, eaten, gambled, or shoved under the rug. (The list could get pretty long here.)

You can probably guess that none of these things are healthy ways of dealing with your emotions. If you’re out of touch with your emotions—and a lot of us are, especially men—you may not even know how you feel, much less how to deal with it.

Maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum and you’re thinking, How on earth could anyone not know how they feel? Well, it happens…and it has to do with something called emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence Is a Thing

Your brain has a rational side and an emotional side—and while an IQ test may measure rational intelligence, it doesn’t take emotional intelligence into account. This concept is mainly related to being mindful of your emotions, identifying them, and being able to manage them.

While the idea of an “emotional IQ” may sound daunting, it doesn’t need to be. No one’s going to be scoring your emotional intelligence to decide what college you’ll be accepted to or anything.

However, it is beneficial to be able to name and understand your emotions—not just for your own mental and emotional health, but for the sake of others. Since no man is an island, your emotional intelligence—or lack thereof—does affect those you have relationships with.

What’s Wrong with Ignoring Our Emotions?

You may be wondering, “Why can’t I just ignore my emotions? What’s the benefit of being aware of them, anyway?”

Well, just like last month’s crumbs that you swept under the rug, they’re still there. Hiding them does not make them go away…and further, they’re probably growing moldy and stinky under there.

Here’s a short video on the subject of emotions:

The fact is, if you bottle up your feelings, they’re going to come out sometime. It may not be the same day or the same week, but they will resurface, and usually, it’s not a pretty sight after they’ve been festering below the surface.

No matter how much you may deny it (or maybe you’re unaware of it), you’re born with emotions and feelings, which means they are a part of your biological makeup! Once you accept that, you can learn how to work on demolishing that wall you’ve built—big or small—and getting in touch with them. This is where it can benefit you as well as others in your life.

Express Yourself if You Want Meaningful Connections

When you reach a place where you’re able to say, “Hey, I feel ” and express that to another person, it paves the way for much deeper, more meaningful connections. It may be difficult to allow yourself that vulnerability, but ultimately, it will improve your life and your relationships.

That’s what breaking down those emotional walls is all about. Think about it: regardless of whether you feel happy, sad, excited, miserable, etc., what do you want in that moment? You want someone to share that feeling with. If you try to share it and get nothing back from the other person, your emotion bounces off their wall and your connection is severed.

No one wants to have a relationship without connection—that typically ends up being a disappointing one-way street. In fact, it’s really not a relationship at all.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationships is to allow yourself to feel. Remember, your emotions are there for a reason—and they’re not going away! So work on cultivating that emotional intelligence through mindfulness and see how your connections improve.

If you’d like to learn more about relationships and gauge your own relationship score, sign up for my free training.

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Photo Credit: Tom Pumford – Unsplash