Relationship School Archives - The Relationship School®

One Tool to Help Coaches and Therapists Work with Clients

If you’re someone who works with people on a regular basis—like a therapist or coach—I have one tool I’d like to suggest for you.

You’ve probably noticed as you’ve worked with a wide range of clients that people tend to prefer someone authentic.

Especially when a person is working on themselves and their relationships, they’re generally trying to be authentic—and they’re looking for that authenticity in you.

They don’t want a blank screen or mindless nodding in response to their problems.

They want a real person, one who’s human just like they are, to sit and listen to them, support them, and travel with them on their growth path.

This type of authentic person is the kind of guide most people want.

With that in mind, I’d like to share this tool with you.

Sharing Impact

It’s called sharing impact. This is how it works.

Let’s say a client shares something with you that’s going on in their relationship and you feel like it’s pretty messed up and unfair.

A neutral therapist might just say, “Hmm, that’s interesting,” and leave it at that.

Yes, that therapist is trying to stay unbiased and keep from sharing their opinion, which can be skillful.

But a real person might say, “What? That feels super unfair,” or “Hey, that’s messed up.”

“Why are you letting your partner treat you that way? That would feel pretty bad to me.”

Why do this? Why not just listen, nod, and stay neutral?

The Relationship Coach Difference

This is where the relationship coach approach comes in. As relationship coaches, we focus on tracking relational dynamics and teaching our clients how to improve their relational skills in each moment.

So we can tell the client, “Hey, it’s not cool that you’re being treated this way,” because it can be a big wake-up call for them.

They might realize they haven’t been true to themselves or that they’ve been living in some alternate reality where they let a person treat them in a way they don’t want or that doesn’t feel right.

See, it’s our job as relationship coaches to study all the dynamics of relationships and to share what we learn with our clients. That’s the reason they’re coming to us.

So we can teach them to be fair and treat each other right, like a team, just as we’ve been learning.

For these reasons, I think it’s important for you as a relationship coach to let your client know when something seems off.

It’s Okay to Be Biased Sometimes

A lot of times, coaches and therapists think they should have a hands-off approach. “Hey, it’s their life. They can make their own choices.”

You think you’re unbiased, but you’re not.

If a person comes to you and they’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t want to just sit there, listen, and say, “Oh, that’s interesting.”

No, it should be, “Get out! How can we help you get out of this relationship?”

Tell the client they deserve to be in a relationship with someone who meets them halfway. It’s supposed to be a mutual relationship, so they need to know they can ask for that.

They’re coming to you for help because they want to grow and move forward. They don’t have all the tools you have, so that’s why I encourage you to share the ones you have with them.

Here’s a quick video about sharing impact:

Stay Authentic

At The Relationship School, we want to encourage you to be a real, authentic person with your clients.

That doesn’t mean you put yourself on moral high ground, telling them what to believe or feel. You really aren’t even giving them a bunch of advice.

You’re just sharing impact, such as “Listening to you talk about your ex, I feel really defensive.”

Or, “That doesn’t feel very good to me.”

“I feel angry when I hear you describing the way you’re being treated in your relationship.”

“It sounds unfair to me.”

When your client hears that real, human response from you, it might prompt them to go, “Maybe I need to make some different choices.”

And that’s going to be more impactful than just saying, “I understand,” or “That’s interesting.”

There are two very important podcasts on sharing impact and how to do it well. Listen to both here:

Sharing Impact

Sharing Impact 2.0

Our style of relationship coaching is called Present Centered Relationship Coaching and helps clients learn how to do better in their relationships by using the here and now between coach and client. Check out our description here.

If you’re interested in finding out more about helping others through becoming a coach, check out our free training here.
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Photo Credit: Dylan Ferreira – Unsplash

What Is the Definition of Secure Attachment?

The desire to experience secure relationships is universal. Most likely, we have all experienced a relationship where something didn’t feel quite right. At times, it can be hard to pinpoint, but our behaviors can be traced back to the way we were raised and the way we experienced attachment to our caregivers. Ideally, we experienced a secure attachment that gave us a healthy foundation for our lives. So what does a secure attachment relationship look like?

What Is Attachment?

Let’s start with the definition of attachment on its own. Essentially, attachment is the bond that forms between caregiver and child, and it begins at a very young age. Your caregivers—whether they were parents or otherwise—and the way they took care of you set the trajectory for your relational destiny.

Most caregivers and parents do the best they can to take care of their kids with the tools they have at the time. Sometimes, parents can get so distracted, busy, or emotionally challenged that they aren’t meeting all the child’s needs. This can apply to physical, emotional, psychological, and relational needs—the child may feel neglected in some way, and this situation can create what is called an insecure attachment.

The opposite is also true: when the parent or caregiver makes the child feel physically and emotionally safe, loved, and comforted, a secure attachment is formed. In my view, there are four basic elements of a secure attachment make it easy to remember (these are modified slightly from attachment science and the work of Dr. Dan Siegel).

The Four S’s of Secure Attachment

In every adult relationship, each partner has needs that they hope to have met in order to create a secure attachment, and most of them fall under the umbrella of these four main needs.

Safe: you feel emotionally safe in the relationship
Seen: you feel seen by your partner
Soothed: you feel soothed when you’re upset
Supported/challenged: you feel like your partner believes in you, has your back, sets boundaries for you, and challenges you. They urge you toward things that are beneficial for you.

In parent-child relationships, it’s the parent’s job to meet these four needs. They are one way. It’s never a child’s job to meet a parent’s needs. Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect—and even in a secure attachment situation, there will be arguments, disconnections, stress, tantrums, etc. But the difference in a secure attachment is that the parents work to repair the issue and lead the child to reconnection and resolution in the relationship.

Attachment in Adult Relationships

So, when you bring your attachment style into your adult relationships, it works in largely the same way as in parent-child relationships. But rather than it being more of a one-way street, the relationship is more equitable, partner to partner.

When you’re in a relationship where you experience secure attachment, you and your partner meet each other’s needs. You help each other feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported. Then, when you have a disagreement or disconnection, you both return and reconnect in such a way that rebuilds the relationship from the rift. Working to repair the issue on both sides allows you to relax, let down, and feel free to be yourselves and open up to your partner again.

On top of that, you feel comfortable knowing your partner believes in you and supports you—and challenges you to be your best self. Knowing that your partner is there for you helps you face issues and support them in theirs.

Here’s a video on secure attachment:

Secure Attachment in a Relationship Begins Within You

Being in a securely attached relationship starts with one key element within each person: self-reflection. Research shows that the biggest predictor of secure attachment is a person’s ability to take a look at their relational history—the challenges, traumas, experiences—and learn from them, grow, and make meaning from them. These are vital to fostering a secure attachment.

If we don’t take the time or energy to self-reflect, we won’t feel like we’re able to let our guard down—thus, the attachment won’t be secure on either side. The critical component of self-reflection increases your capacity for security and allows both partners to feel safe and secure, perpetuating a healthy and fulfilling two-way relationship.

To learn three keys to resolving conflict in relationships, click here to sign up for a free training.
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Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez – Unsplash

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook.
Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.”
Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal.
Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here.

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!

Smart Couple Podcast Update And Events – 228

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The Relationship School is Helping Veterans

Did you know that, according to the American Psychological Association, nearly 25% of service members returning from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom have reported symptoms of PTSD? And did you know that most veterans come home and their marriages and relationships fall apart?

Warren McKee was one such veteran who lost his family, became addicted to drugs, and ….Warren’s life fell apart. More on Warren’s story here.

But then in 2016 Warren signed up for The Relationship School and his life completely transformed.

Now, Warren is a Certified Level 1 Relationship Coach that’s taking the tools he’s learned at The Relationship School to teach veterans in Austin, TX how to communicate with their partners.

“I’m providing some street-level tools from The Relationship School to people who may find it challenging, or even impossible, to communicate to their partners.”

Along with the help of a therapist, Warren is providing tools to veterans and their partners to show them how to better communicate with individuals that suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

If you think it’s hard to communicate with your partner, try attempting to do so while having flashbacks of war or being triggered by certain tones in someone’s voice. Damn!

Yet, Warren claims these veterans are learning how to tame their hyperactive brains by listening to others using the tools he’s teaching.

“These tools are showing them what being present in a conversation looks like, what that feels like. It’s amazing to witness.”

The power that feeling understood holds is incredible.

These veterans are feeling understood by their partners for the first time, and vise versa for their partners, and it’s transforming their lives.

When was the last time you felt truly understood by someone? Do you remember what that felt like?

All our victim stories show their true colors when we feel understood and we get to recognize their limitation if we choose.

It may be the greatest gift you can give to another to listen to them until they feel understood. This understanding gives rise to the gifts of presence and connection for those involved.

If these traumatized veterans can lean into their fears of communication and use these tools to connect with their partners then so can you.

Are you ready to learn the tools you need to get into deeper connection with your partner and yourself?

Check out The Relationship School for podcasts, blogs, and products in all things relationship, and check out the coaching page to schedule a call with one of the fantastic Relationship Coaches to support and challenge you to be your best self while getting the connection you deserve.

If you want to get schooled in relationships like Warren did, check out DPIR (the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships) to get the class you were never taught in school.

Wanna learn more about how you can get involved with your local vets center or how to connect with other resources available to vets in your area? Reach out to Warren at [email protected] and find out how.

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In the featured photo, from left to right, are veterans Steve Srotir, Levi Chettle, and Warren McKee at an event for The Relationship School.

Warren McKee served in Baghdad, Iraq from 2007-2008 in the 186th Military Police Company. He was honorably discharged from the Army National Guard. Find out more about him and his coaching services here.

Levi Chettle was stationed in Fort Benning and went on 3 deployments in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. He was deployed to Kandahar and the Helmand Province, and served in the 75th Ranger Regiment, 3rd Ranger Battalion, A Company. Check out Levi’s Relationship Coaching services here.

Steve Srotir served as part of Operation Restore Hope in Somalia, Africa with the 7th Marines of 29 Palms, CA. He provided security for international care operations in Mogadishu, Bardera, and Baidoa. Here’s what he had to say, “there’s a beauty in what’s happening at The Relationship School. Everyone here is working together as a team, learning and practicing skills until they become second nature. There’s no fluff. It’s intense at times. We are training for real-life scenarios and all the moving parts involved. And like the Marines, it’s not for everyone. The Relationship School is for people who are dedicated, focused, and willing to do what it takes to develop real-world relational fitness.” – Steve Srotir, United States Marine Corps Veteran

Hire These Relationship Coaches

Need a relationship coach?

Our newest graduates signed up for 9 months of rigorous training here at The Relationship School®. They were ready to learn and eager to develop their relationship skills.

They laughed, they cried, they faced their fears, and they came out certified level 1 relationship coaches.

These 10 new powerful coaches are ready for hire, each with a unique style and their own private practices to serve you.

I am confident you will enjoy each one. So read their bios here and set up a free initial consult to get started now.

These brave men and women worked their asses off.

I mean we really put them through the wringer.

We held them to the Relationship School’s high-standard of professionalism and Jedi love warriorship, so they’re ready to serve!

Are you ready to get more empowered in your relationship life?

If you answer is YES, then head over to our coaching page and schedule a free consultation with one or several of these new Relationship Coaches.

Stop feeling stuck and get the support and challenge you need to be the best version of you while getting the connection you deserve.

Check out The Relationship School for Free podcasts, blogs, or products in all things relationship, and check out the coaching page to schedule a call with one of the fantastic Relationship Coaches to support and challenge you to be your best self while getting the connection you deserve.

If you want to get schooled in relationships like these amazing people, check out DIPR (the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships) to get the class you were never taught in school. Once you go through DPIR, you will be able to apply for our Relationship Coaches Training Program called RC1.