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Staying Mindful During Stress and Conflict

Do you ever have one of those moments where something tiny triggers your anger and you blow up? Well, we’ve all been there. 

Most likely, in that moment, you aren’t realizing that you were upset about something else before—and that the trigger itself really wasn’t as big a deal as you’re making it. You’re probably not stopping to think about your reaction; it’s simply overflowing from a place of built-up frustration. 

The thing is, in relationships…when you come into a potential conflict situation and you’re already worked up, you’re behind the eight ball. One hand is tied behind your back, and you’re at a disadvantage.

That’s not a good place to be when you enter into conflict or stress. So how can you avoid being in that position? 

Comfortable Discomfort

The first step toward staying (or returning to) calm during stress and conflict is allowing yourself to be upset—and not judging yourself for it. After all, this is the essence of mindfulness, right? You can note that you feel a certain way, but don’t fight it! Acknowledge and accept it for what it is. 

Once you’ve stopped fighting your emotions, your frustrations, your pain, it allows you to recognize the reason you felt that way in the first place. When you’re practiced at noticing the way you feel and why, you’re more able to deal with stressful situations in general.

In essence, you want to get to a place where you’re okay with discomfort. That may sound unpleasant, but there are going to be stressful and uncomfortable times in life—it’s just a fact. Wouldn’t you rather be in a place where you can handle them? If you want to calm down fast, the paradox is that you have to “be with” whatever is uncomfortable. 

Trying to dodge stressful situations or even attempting to avoid feeling your emotions isn’t going to do you any favors. It’s downright impossible. And since life isn’t perfect, you’ll find that once you reach the place of mindful acceptance, you’ll feel better equipped to handle whatever life throws at you.

Learning to Self-Regulate

You may not feel like you’re in that place of acceptance right now, and that’s okay. Each of us has to find our own way there, and it’s a process. If you don’t learn how to work toward that, you’ll continue to react from the triggered place you started in, and that will only end up causing you more emotional turmoil.

Here’s a quick video on the subject:

There are several things you can do to self-regulate—and these are things that need to be practiced consistently, not just in a frustrated moment. The goal is to be like a champion surfer, riding the waves of emotion and discomfort as they come and go.

Meditation is one excellent way to be calm and train yourself to be okay inside regardless of what’s going on outside. Deep breathing is important as well, and the two together are that much better. Here’s a free guided meditation to help you start.

Cold showers or even a cold water bottle on the back of your neck are great for bringing yourself back into the moment. All of these can start with a simple awareness of your thoughts, your emotions, and your surroundings—and sometimes, that alone is enough to bring you back to where you need to be.    

Be Okay with Yourself During and After Stress

Ultimately, the crucial step to take in your life is to learn how to be okay with your emotions, whatever they may be, and do what works for you to self-regulate and come back to yourself. When you practice staying mindful during stress and conflict, you’ll find that your life and your relationships are enriched—and that situation you once found stressful might not be as tough as you originally thought. 

If you’d like to go further and learn three important keys to working through disagreements quickly, sign up for my free training here

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Photo Credit: Quinton Coetzee Unsplash

How to Get What You Want in a Relationship

In life, you may not always be able to get what you want…but does that mean you should just give up trying to get what you want when it comes to relationships?

It can be easy to fall into the pattern of setting aside your needs, settling for less than what you truly want, and minimizing your desires in order to please your partner in a relationship. But where does that leave you?

It could leave you in a number of places, none of which are good. If you’re constantly behaving from a place of fear—fear that your partner might leave you, might yell at you, might belittle you—then you’re not being true to yourself and your needs or desires. If you feel like you are always dodging or walking on eggshells in order to avoid conflict, that still means you’re acting out of fear.    

Truthfully, it is possible to get what you want in a relationship. There is one big thing you can do as well as a few things to avoid in order to reach a place where you’re getting what you want from a relationship. 

If you feel you’re not currently getting what you want, starting with what not to do may help you understand where you are—and where to go from there. 

How to Have a Mediocre Relationship

Chances are, no one has ever begun a relationship aiming for mediocrity. “I think I’ll enter this relationship to demean myself, stifle my voice, and diminish my needs,” said no one ever. So why would we allow ourselves to get to that place? Further, how do we find ourselves in that place to begin with? 

The greatest way to get a relationship that consists of mere scraps is to deny your desires and change your behavior, interests, etc. based on what you believe your partner wants. In doing this, you compromise not only your needs, but your core as an individual. 

You most likely know someone who’s a classic example of this. Maybe you have a friend whose personality seems to change based on the person they’re dating at the moment. You find yourself wondering when that person you’ve known for years decided to take up hunting, became a pro wrestling fan, or shifted from being someone who talked nonstop to someone who barely says three words to you. Typically, it’s easier to recognize in another person, although once you notice it, you may want to do some self-reflection, too.  

Changing any aspect of your personality to conform to someone else’s is definitely the way to achieve mediocrity in a relationship. When you get down to the nitty-gritty, you’ll realize the reason you’re doing this is to avoid conflict with your partner. 

Avoiding conflict and trying not to “rock the boat” aren’t necessarily bad things in themselves—until they cause you to compromise your voice and your needs. So how, then, do you get out of this cycle?

Telling the Truth Is Crucial

If you want a healthy two-way relationship where you both get what you want, the biggest thing you can do is tell the truth.

It seems simple, sure. But when you think about it, your partner can’t possibly know your needs, wants, feelings, etc. unless you are truthful about them. Stifling your thoughts and desires leads to unhappiness, but truth-telling leads to freedom. 

Before you can tell your partner the truth, it’s imperative you tell yourself the truth. You might try to convince yourself you love skiing, for example, but if you truly don’t, it makes things worse for yourself and for the relationship if you’re dishonest about it. 

Expressing yourself freely is vital to getting what you want, because you want to feel that your relationship is a safe place to do that. You want to be assured that you can speak your truth, even if it means getting upset, and have your partner stick by you and learn more about you from the experience. You want to feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts—and you want to know that your partner has a desire to discover how you tick and what it takes to help you share your truth.   

Telling the truth about your feelings and thoughts needs to be mutual for both partners to be happy in a relationship. So remember to be truthful with yourself, be honest with your partner, and encourage your partner to do the same with you.

Here’s a short video on the subject:

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for What You Want and Claim It

If you’re afraid to be vulnerable in your relationship, your partner will never know the real you. You’ll feel stifled, and your wants will become invalidated—but in this case, by you and not by your partner. Your partner can’t possibly fulfill your needs if they are unaware of them, now, can they? 

Instead, let go of that fear. Recognize that you are an amazing person just as you are; it’s essential for you to believe that. When you speak truth and ask for what you want from a place of that belief, it changes the relationship dynamic. 

Think about what you want in your relationship. It could be a deeper connection, more sex, a better conflict resolution process; your wants are unique to you. Don’t diminish them! Your desires and needs are valid and don’t belong on a shelf just to make your partner happy. Claim them—honestly—and communicate them to your partner. Ask your partner to meet you in that place. 

After all, if you’re willing to meet your partner in that place as well, then you deserve to have that reciprocated. 

It’s not too much to ask for what you want, so let go of that belief. Be truthful with yourself, claim your feelings, and share them honestly. It is possible to get what you want in a relationship.   

For a look into working through differences and disagreements quickly in your relationship, sign up for a free training here.

 

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Photo Credit: Sincerely Media Unsplash

 

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

  1. Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
  2. Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
  3. Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook. 
  4. Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
  5. We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.” 
  6. Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
  7. Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
  8. Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
  9. We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal. 
  10. Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here


Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!  

5 Signs You’re in An Insecure Relationship

Whether it’s about dinner reservations or dirty socks in the middle of the floor, arguments in relationships happen. Some come and go as quickly as the wind. But others, well, they leave us feeling like the relationship is on shaky ground. Or even that the relationship may be over.

While that feeling may seem to have come from a single conversation, that’s typically not the case. The relationship may not have been stable all along, and the fight was just the straw that really broke the proverbial camel’s back — and made it feel as if your relationship world was doomed.

Yes, it’s an awful feeling. It might even feel hopeless, but it’s not. You can do something about it. The first thing you want to do is review your relationship to check for these five signs to see if your partnership is truly insecure. This will help you eliminate unnecessary fights and second guessing.

Defining ‘Insecure’

Before we dive into the five signs of an insecure relationship, let’s nail down what we mean by insecure. We’re not talking about those insecure feelings we all get from time to time, feelings usually associated with having to do something that we are not good at being thrown in the middle of a ballet class. Unless you’ve had ballet training in the past, you’re likely to feel a bit insecure if you were suddenly asked to start spinning around on your toes. So no, we’re not talking about that kind of insecurity.

We’re talking about feeling insecure in an intimate partnership. Feeling that the relationship is unstable, shaky or on shaky ground. You know what it feels like to come home to a shaky foundation. Or get in a fight during a date, then feel like the relationship is just crumbling. You start to question the entire relationship:

  •     Do I want to be with this person?
  •     Does this person want to be with me?

This type of insecurity is all about attachment, which is a bond we create with a life partner. When this attachment bond is insecure, it causes a lot of stress and a lot of problems. In short, it sucks.

Now we can get to the five signs that can help you determine if that’s where your relationship is at.

#1: You’re Not Emotionally Safe and Relaxed

Instead of feeling emotionally secure and calm, you experience the opposite. You feel tense, tight, distant, shut down, withdrawn. You feel “off.” You know that feeling of off, as if something is just not right. Well, what’s not right is the relationship.

That’s because you don’t feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable. You’re too afraid of how the other person may react — or that they’ll hurt you if you give them a glimpse of your vulnerability.

This feeling of being emotionally unsafe may crop up once in a while, but it’s really a problem when that’s how you feel in your relationship every day. If the overall vibe in the relationship doesn’t feel safe, the relationship is likely an insecure one.

#2: You Don’t Feel Seen

Another sign of an insecure relationship is not feeling seen or known for who you are. You feel like a ghost or, worse yet, invisible. Some of us may have grown up in families where children didn’t feel seen by the big people. That’s a painful place.

In such cases, we came up with strategies to get seen, to get noticed, and to get loved. Our strategies helped, but they were not always positive strategies and in fact, later in life, they can get in our way. 

#3: You Don’t Feel Reassured After A Fight

Fights, arguments, and distance happen. We’re human, and humans tend to disagree from time to time. The problem comes if you don’t feel calmed or soothed after a disagreement or rupture in the connection. In a stable relationship, both partners want to make it right, make it better. So, they’re coming back to the table with what they’re willing to do to make that happen.

In an insecure relationship, you might be giving this, but not receiving it. You’re getting silence. Distance, resistance or blame. You’re left in an open-ended lurch that may not feel like it has a resolution. That breeds insecurity for sure. When fights continue to not get repaired over and over, you’ll end up with insecurity all over the place. 

#4: You Don’t Feel Supported or Challenged

Healthy relationships challenge you and they support you. Not with a confrontational challenge, but with a challenge that would have you be your best self. In the case of insecurity, your partner is not someone who is cheering you on to be your best. They’re absolutely fine with your mediocrity. Rather than encouraging you to move onward and upward, they may instead want you to chill and stay stuck in your comfort zone or victim seat. You might hear something like: “Can’t we just watch TV and relax here?”

In a secure partnership, both partners support each other by believing in each other and helping each other reach individual goals and dreams.

#5: You Feel Like You Can’t Express Yourself

While the second sign involves not feeling seen for who you are every day, this last one deals with feeling like you can’t express your truth. You feel stifled, like you can’t be you. Who knows how the other person may react? You could be ridiculed, shunned — or worse (if there is a worse thing than ridiculed and shunned).

Imagine a relationship where you can’t express what you want? Ouch. A lot of us grew up on families like that and now we’re with a partner where we hold back our truth? Yikes. This serves to create more insecurity.

So Now What?

Now that you may have spotted one or more of these signs in your own relationship, the first inclination may be to blame your partner for this. You might automatically proclaim that THEY make you feel this way. It’s THEIR fault you don’t feel emotionally safe, seen, supported, challenged or able to express yourself.

But hold on… That’s the habitual victim stance. The work for you is to not play the victim and instead do something about it in a way you’ve never tried before. 

Let’s assume your old way doesn’t work. So, try a new way? 

Be sure to listen to this podcast here on reclaiming your needs. Doing so will help you move from an insecure to secure partnership. 

If you’re somehow stifling your truth, that’s your problem. If you think someone is going to hurt you if you express your truth, it may be better to move on. If you are with someone very unsafe, you must learn to get out of that relationship, or you’ll remain trapped in hurtful relationships.

You have a role in all this. In fact, you have a responsibility. Your job is to own your needs for security, become a relational leader, to learn, grow and develop yourself so you can contribute to and enjoy the secure relationship we all deserve.

As kids security should be given. But as adults security is earned, not given, so we must learn how to create a partnership that is mutually loving and secure.

Get started now with classes from The Relationship School’s virtual weekend workshop Accepted & Connected.

10 things to Try Before Ending Your Relationship

Ready To Call It Quits In Your Relationship? Try these 10 things First:

  1. Get to the absolute origin of why you want out. 

Is there too much conflict? Do you not know how to communicate in ways that each partner feels heard and understood? Was there infidelity, and it feels impossible to move forward? Is the passion dead? Is there a basic level of distrust?

Does your partner feel like a stranger? Do you feel like you have nothing in common?

Does one of you think the grass would be greener with someone else? Do you have conflicting values? Does one of you want to grow, and the other is cool with the status quo? Is one of you doing more or less of the work? Is there mental illness or addictions that are impeding health in the relationship?

Don’t focus on the symptoms, such as, “He won’t do the dishes,” or “She is too emotional.” Find the cause. If you do not, you will inevitably bring it into your next relationship!

  1. Write down a laundry list of resentments you both have with each other.  

Do not hold back. Be ruthlessly honest while using language that does not blame or name call. Use “I feel” statements, so you are each owning your experiences. “I feel like I never get the romance I want.” “I feel like I carry the burden of the relationship on my shoulders.” “I feel like I never get enough space.” “I feel like growth is not important to you.” “I feel threatened by the relationships you have with other women or men.”

  1. Ownership.

While we are on the subject of ownership, each partner takes ownership for what you are doing or not doing to create the possible demise of your relationship. Yep, not easy. And own your sh*t!

  1. Learn how to repair after your fights. 

If you think fighting is the problem, think again. Not learning how to mend your conflicts is the problem. All couples fight, and if they do not, it is usually due to the fear of conflict. Learn how to repair in four easy steps.

First, collaboratively decide if it is an appropriate time to repair. If one person is not ready to talk, that person needs to let the other person know when they are available. Ideally, a repair should happen within 30 minutes of the conflict, according to Stan Tatkin, author and therapist. If this is not possible, make a plan for when the repair will happen.

Second, listen to each other’s side of why the conflict occurred. Do not respond while the other person is speaking. Receptively listen, even if you want to jump out of your skin. When you share your experience, speak using “I” statements. “I felt like you were defensive when you walked in the door and I got triggered.” “I felt dismissed.” “I felt mistrustful  of you when you went to the bathroom with your phone.” If things get heated while you are taking turns sharing your experiences, take time outs. Calm yourselves down and reconvene. Better yet, calm each other down. “I see that what I said upset you. Is there something I can do to help?” “What do you need right now?”

Third, own your part. What did you each do to contribute to the fight? “I got defensive and acted like a dick because I wanted to avoid you.” “I got reactive because I felt scared that you would not hear me.” Once again, listen to the other person as they own their part. Allow them space to share without responding.

Fourth, come up with a plan for the next time a fight happens and how you will do better to help each other in the future. Learning how to both fight and repair well is an art form. It takes time and lots of trial and error.

  1. Learn your partner’s triggers.  

What are your biggest stressors?  What about you stresses them out? What do you need from each other to feel calmer while triggered? Ideally, your partner should be a balm for you when in an activated state.

  1. Know your attachment styles.  

Listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole on the 4 Attachment Styles here

  1. Make a list of your needs, and don’t hold back.

Your relationship is in crisis, and you cannot afford to be anything but transparent now. Know what needs are deal-breakers. “I need you to be monogamous.” “I need you to invest time and energy in personal and relational growth.” Yep, having needs and appearing “needy” is triggering for many humans. And, we all share this humanness if we are willing to look inward.

  1. Go away for a weekend together, just the two of you.  

I guarantee after a couple of days, you will have more clarity about a path forward, even if it is a plan to separate. There are too many distractions in daily life that interfere with intimate partnerships. Remove them and see what happens. There may be blow-ups, sweet exchanges, or both. Stay present with each other.

  1. Make a list of all of the benefits of the relationship.  

What are you getting out of it? These can be positive or negative. “I get to be with my best friend.” “I get to be supported financially and not have to deal with making money.” “I get someone to do fun things with.” “I don’t have to be alone and face my fear of loneliness.” Be extremely honest with yourselves and each other.

  1. Get support and have a plan of action, whether you stay together or not.  

Hire a coach or therapist. Take a workshop or seminar together. There are no quick fixes either way, and you cannot do it alone. Get educated. Allow yourselves to be seen in your human messiness. I guarantee you will learn something and grow.  I would love to hear from you. Feel free to book a free 30-minute consultation here.

 


Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Find out more about Keri and the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach below!

https://kerisignoracci.com

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The Painful Reality of Teenage Relationships and Sexuality

Originally published on Elephant Journal here.

A brand new Harvard University study conducted for five years surveyed over 3,000 teens and young adults on the topic of romantic relationships and sexuality.

Richard Weissbourd and The Making Caring Common Project ran the study called “Young People’s Romantic Relationships” and published their findings in “The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment.

What this bold research project found contradicts what we think we know about teens and offers new hope for one of the most important aspects of our lives—our romantic relationships.

The study confirms what those of us who have worked with teens for years have known, but didn’t have the research to back up.

For more information from Richard on this topic check out the epic podcast I did with him here.

Now, when you think of teens, college kids, and sex, what do you automatically assume?

“Kids these days” are irresponsible, reckless, and oversexualized, hooking up left and right with whomever, wherever.

This is what most adults think about adolescent behavior, especially when it comes to sex.

However, the Harvard study found the opposite to be true. The research found that prevailing assumptions about the teen “hook-up” culture are wrong. Contrary to popular belief, both teens and adults are exaggerating what actually happens in the sex lives of teenagers.

This leads to teens mistakenly comparing themselves to an embellished and exaggerated culture of sex, which perpetuates self-doubt and self-betraying behaviors. They might do something risky out of not wanting to be the odd person out. Or they may beat themselves up for being caring and sensitive, thinking they are the only one who feels this way.

We now know that young people care more than we thought about having respectful and mutual love relationships. In fact, 85 percent of the respondents said they would rather hang with their friends or practice sex in a committed relationship. Cool, right?

Another finding from the study is even more surprising:

They found that 70 percent of teens and young adults actually do want guidance from adults, specifically around love relationships. What?

Yup. Turns out, teens and young adults feel anxious and extremely unprepared for what it takes to have a romantic relationship. According to the study, “70% of the 18 to 25-year-olds who responded to our survey reported wishing they had received more information from their parents about some emotional aspect of a romantic relationship.” Yes, 70 percent! That’s the vast majority of teens, folks!

These two findings alone are monumental.

And what are we doing to deliver? Pretty much nothing. That is the painful truth this study reveals: We are failing kids in the romantic relationship department across the board.

Virtually no one is teaching young people about how to have safe, successful, fulfilling romantic relationships, even though they want it. As the study says:

“For adults to hand over responsibility for educating young people about romantic love—and sex—to popular culture is a dumbfounding abdication of responsibility.”

As a result, young people will grow into adults who really struggle to thrive in a partnership and instead blowout, break up, get divorced, and feel ashamed and incompetent in their romantic relationships. This adds layers and layers of mental and emotional stress into the life of the American adult.

By now, most of us have read the 75-year Harvard study that found the single biggest determinant of life satisfaction over our lifespan is the depth and quality of our relationships. So we know how important this is, yet very little is being done to teach young adults about realistic love relationships or to raise relationally mature adults.

Instead of getting formally taught or trained on how to communicate effectively, how to listen, how to work out differences, and how to not betray yourself and your needs, we allow our society to fill the void and teach our young people, which means whatever they see, hear, and absorb from peer culture, pop culture, and avoidant parents.

Gulp.

No wonder so many of us suck at romantic relationships.

Before we completely bury ourselves in shame and throw in the towel, let’s consider the recommendations the Harvard study proposes in our attempts to reveal the next step.

Here are their first two recommendations:

  1. “Talk about love and help teens understand the difference between mature love and other forms of intense attraction.”
  2. “Guide young people in identifying healthy and unhealthy relationships.”

I love it!

Basically, the study’s broad recommendation is for parents to step up and lead here. It makes sense. The study wants to get parents more in the driver’s seat of teaching their kids about realistic, mature, adult love. I love the aspiration and intention. However, we all know there’s a big limitation with this approach, which the study acknowledges here:

“Many parents and educators, to be sure, may not see providing this guidance as their role, may not know how to have these conversations, or may feel hobbled in these conversations because they view themselves as failures in their own romantic relationships—they don’t believe they have wisdom to share.”

And, this is the challenge with the directives. Sadly, as much as parents may want to guide the youth, my guess is that most parents don’t trust themselves in this department. Many parents might be equally lost and confused about love relationships.

Can we really ask parents—who might feel ashamed of their track record or unfulfilled in their relationship life—to teach young adults about love? These same parents also never received a proper education around romantic relationships—which, by the way, are the hardest of all relationships.

Sadly, many parents are out of their league, not because they are bad people or there’s anything wrong with them, but because they never learned either.

So, what’s the big solution?

First, let’s stop assuming teens and young adults are big, scary creatures who don’t want to listen or learn from us adults.

Next, let’s stop abdicating responsibility to the media, peer culture, and society about the most important and resource-rich part of our lives.

And if we have some sh*t to learn in this department? Let’s model being a willing student ourselves, which helps kids feel less ashamed and gives them more permission to take responsibility for this magical part of our lives.

Behind their screens and walls, young people are longing for our help and guidance here. This is wonderful news. All we have to do is our work so that we can provide the guidance, support, and resources that our kids need.

I personally aim to tackle this issue head on, as it’s my life’s work. That’s why I started The Relationship School®

If you feel called to help young people get the relationship guidance they’re longing for, and help change the way the world views relationship, think about becoming a Relationship Coach with us here.

Let’s do this!

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