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How to Move on After Being Ghosted

Being ghosted sucks. And it can be a difficult thing to move on from when you’re the one who’s been ghosted. 

It’s frustrating…and it hurts. But just like everything else, you can get through it, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. 

So when you’re in this situation, what’s the best way to move on after getting ghosted? 

Make the Pain Your Neutral Companion

You’re going to feel a lot of things over time after you’ve been ghosted.

You’ll feel anger—maybe even rage. Frustration. Pain, loss, and of course, hurt. You might freak out, feel scared, and possibly even beat yourself up. 

All of your feelings are okay; it’s normal to feel all of it. It’s a hurtful thing the other person did, and you’re allowed to feel that hurt. 

And the best thing you can do in that situation is to accept whatever pain you feel. Be with it—your experience, your anger, all of it. Get comfortable with it and don’t resist it or run away from it. 

When someone ghosts you, it’s an opportunity to get stronger. 

It’s a vital thing for you to be with yourself and your experience, whatever you’re feeling at the time. That’s part of getting stronger.

Pain is a part of life, and it can always be used as a growth opportunity. It may be hard to think of at the time, but it’ll help you develop your relational chops the next time you start a relationship. 

So feel the hurt, be with it, and accept it—and tell yourself it’s okay, because it is. 

Get in Touch with Your Past 

Amidst your pain, there’s another thing you can do that will help you move forward after being ghosted. 

You can think of this ghosting experience as an opportunity for you to heal something from your past that’s triggering the pain.  

Think about your history…maybe you had another relationship that ended with getting ghosted—or a parent who wasn’t in your life, left, or just wasn’t really there for you. 

The key thing to do is to reflect on your history and think about whether this has happened to you before. I find that most people who have been ghosted by someone have a historical instance in their life that needs to be healed. 

Acknowledging that event in your history is the first step toward healing and using the experiences to empower yourself for the future. 

Check out this short video on moving on from ghosting:

Change Your Outlook on Relationships

This ghosting experience is a good time to recognize the importance of communication in relationships. 

The truth is, ghosting and lack of communication are disrespectful. And even though you might want to talk to that person again, to try to give them another chance, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who won’t even give you the respect of good communication? 

I know you may desperately want to hear from that person. But try to tell yourself that they don’t deserve your time. 

You want a relationship where communication is mutual—and if it’s reciprocal, you won’t have to be the one reaching out to them all the time and feeling ignored. 

Tell yourself that you want—and deserve—something better. Once you feel empowered and realize you want the respect of mutual communication, you’ll be better prepared for that next relationship where you’ve made progress toward healing and receiving the kind of communication you’re willing to give.    

Progress Is Crucial

So cut yourself some slack because as you know, we’re all works in progress. Remember that every experience can be turned into a growth opportunity when you have the right mindset. 

Allow your ghosting experience to be a learning and healing one, and you just might find yourself in a better position than before.

Want more support? Join our free Facebook group here and get a couple of awesome videos, too.
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Photo Credit: Thom Holmes Unsplash

The Four Best Words to Say When Comparing Yourself to Others

It’s super easy to do: open social media, scroll, and feel bad about yourself. 

Why does this happen? Well, it’s because we’re all human. We do it subconsciously—comparing our lives to the standout moments and achievements others post on their feed.  

It’s important to remember, though, that just because a person’s life looks like it’s better, that doesn’t mean it actually is. Chances are, that person is scrolling through the same feed and feeling bad about themselves, too. 

So how do we avoid the comparison trap? 

Comparison is Natural, but Unhealthy

First, keep in mind that comparison is normal. There’s no judgment here, and don’t judge yourself for it. There’s no “comparison off” switch that will allow us to stop. 

It’s pretty easy to say, “Just stop comparing yourself to others.” It’s also easy to say, “Stop judging others.” Not gonna happen. It’s human nature, and we’re all going to do it. 

What we can do, though, is prevent ourselves from getting caught in the rut—the cycle of shame and doubt that leaves us feeling worthless. We don’t need to let any day be ruined by choosing to compare—because yes, it is our choice. 

Instead, let’s choose to say four key words that will release us from the comparison trap

Four Words to Remember 

When you catch yourself comparing and start to feel shame, stop and say these four words:

“That’s not my path.”

Because it’s not—you have a different life, a different journey and destiny. Besides, you can’t possibly go down all the paths. You’re only one person—and so are they. It might look like they’re having a wonderful life, but they may be miserable. 

So keep in mind those four words and train yourself to speak them before you go into that trap. Even better, mentally (or with the “like” button) applaud their efforts and achievements—all the while telling yourself, “That’s not my path.” And it’s okay that it’s not. 

Apples Will Never Be Oranges

Another thing that’s important to remember about comparison is that your values and the values of others aren’t going to be the same. 

Whether you’re seeing a person heavily into fitness or healthy eating or with seemingly unending money…keep in mind that their motivation and inspiration are different than yours. 

Maybe they’ve spent years working on weight lifting, inherited money that allowed them to buy nice things, or worked their butt off to get where they are. Regardless, the things they’ve chosen to put their time, money, and energy into aren’t going to be the same things you’ve chosen. 

Remember the rule of apples and oranges. No matter the area, there will always be someone better than you—and you’ll always be better than someone else, too. That’s why comparison is futile. 

Oranges can’t be apples no matter how hard they wish for it. That person who has muscles for days or a fancy car is probably feeling like an orange in a world full of apples, too. 

Here’s a short video on comparison:

Accept Your Path or Change It—But for You 

If you’re truly wanting to invest in some area of your life to empower yourself, to better your mental health and well-being, then decide whether you want to put in the time and effort—for you. If you’re in pain and your well-being matters to you in that area, by all means, go for it, but not to upstage or spite someone else. 

Just remember there’s no need to compare your life to a two-second social media snapshot that people scroll through and forget. Find and commit to your path and let apples be apples.

If you would like to learn how to help someone struggling with self-comparison, sign up for our free training here.
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Photo Credit: Jason Briscoe Unsplash

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

  1. Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
  2. Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
  3. Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook. 
  4. Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
  5. We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.” 
  6. Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
  7. Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
  8. Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
  9. We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal. 
  10. Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here


Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!  

The Relationship School is Helping Veterans

Did you know that, according to the American Psychological Association, nearly 25% of service members returning from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom have reported symptoms of PTSD? And did you know that most veterans come home and their marriages and relationships fall apart?

Warren McKee was one such veteran who lost his family, became addicted to drugs, and ….Warren’s life fell apart. More on Warren’s story here.

But then in 2016 Warren signed up for The Relationship School and his life completely transformed.

Now, Warren is a Certified Level 1 Relationship Coach that’s taking the tools he’s learned at The Relationship School to teach veterans in Austin, TX how to communicate with their partners.

“I’m providing some street-level tools from The Relationship School to people who may find it challenging, or even impossible, to communicate to their partners.”

Along with the help of a therapist, Warren is providing tools to veterans and their partners to show them how to better communicate with individuals that suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

If you think it’s hard to communicate with your partner, try attempting to do so while having flashbacks of war or being triggered by certain tones in someone’s voice. Damn!

Yet, Warren claims these veterans are learning how to tame their hyperactive brains by listening to others using the tools he’s teaching.

“These tools are showing them what being present in a conversation looks like, what that feels like. It’s amazing to witness.”

The power that feeling understood holds is incredible.

These veterans are feeling understood by their partners for the first time, and vise versa for their partners, and it’s transforming their lives.

When was the last time you felt truly understood by someone? Do you remember what that felt like?

All our victim stories show their true colors when we feel understood and we get to recognize their limitation if we choose.

It may be the greatest gift you can give to another to listen to them until they feel understood. This understanding gives rise to the gifts of presence and connection for those involved.

If these traumatized veterans can lean into their fears of communication and use these tools to connect with their partners then so can you.

Are you ready to learn the tools you need to get into deeper connection with your partner and yourself?



Check out The Relationship School for podcasts, blogs, and products in all things relationship, and check out the coaching page to schedule a call with one of the fantastic Relationship Coaches to support and challenge you to be your best self while getting the connection you deserve.

If you want to get schooled in relationships like Warren did, check out DPIR (the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships) to get the class you were never taught in school.

Wanna learn more about how you can get involved with your local vets center or how to connect with other resources available to vets in your area? Reach out to Warren at [email protected] and find out how.

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In the featured photo, from left to right, are veterans Steve Srotir, Levi Chettle, and Warren McKee at an event for The Relationship School.

Warren McKee served in Baghdad, Iraq from 2007-2008 in the 186th Military Police Company. He was honorably discharged from the Army National Guard. Find out more about him and his coaching services here.

Levi Chettle was stationed in Fort Benning and went on 3 deployments in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. He was deployed to Kandahar and the Helmand Province, and served in the 75th Ranger Regiment, 3rd Ranger Battalion, A Company. Check out Levi’s Relationship Coaching services here

Steve Srotir served as part of Operation Restore Hope in Somalia, Africa with the 7th Marines of 29 Palms, CA. He provided security for international care operations in Mogadishu, Bardera, and Baidoa. Here’s what he had to say, “there’s a beauty in what’s happening at The Relationship School. Everyone here is working together as a team, learning and practicing skills until they become second nature. There’s no fluff. It’s intense at times. We are training for real-life scenarios and all the moving parts involved. And like the Marines, it’s not for everyone. The Relationship School is for people who are dedicated, focused, and willing to do what it takes to develop real-world relational fitness.” – Steve Srotir,  United States Marine Corps Veteran

How to Overcome Rejection in 2 Steps

Have you ever felt rejected? Like really rejected? Perhaps many times over and over again?!

Do any of these messages sounds familiar to you, “wipe that frown off your face”, “you’re acting like such a crybaby”, “I’ll give you something to cry about”, “oh my god, you’re acting like such a girl right now”, “What a sissy”. Ouch! Very misogynistic right? 

These, and countless messages like these, are what I grew up with as a little boy. And, because I valued connection it had me reject a really important part of myself, my sensitivity.

I rejected my sensitivity, which includes my empathy and my emotions, because I wanted you to like me. I wanted my parents to not be mad at me. I didn’t want to get in trouble. I didn’t want to get bullied. I didn’t want to get picked on. I didn’t want to get beat up on the playground.

Can you relate?

Check out my 20 min Talk I did at Mark Grove’s Masters Of The Universe Summit in 2018. Be sure to listen to the very end to get the 2 ways to overcome rejection.

 

Leave a comment below about what you have learned from your own rejections. Seriously. Go for it. I just laid mine out! And, if you dig deep can you see that you might be rejecting a part of yourself?

Dig this video and hungry for more tools for growth and development? Join us at The Relationship School for our 9-month Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships (DPIR) Professional Certification Program. DPIR is the only curriculum to teach YOU how to have a lasting, powerful and supportive relationship with your partner, your family, your friends and your colleagues, for life. Learn how to utilize relationships as a path for your growth and development. Find out more info here.

The Painful Reality of Teenage Relationships and Sexuality

Originally published on Elephant Journal here.

A brand new Harvard University study conducted for five years surveyed over 3,000 teens and young adults on the topic of romantic relationships and sexuality.

Richard Weissbourd and The Making Caring Common Project ran the study called “Young People’s Romantic Relationships” and published their findings in “The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment.

What this bold research project found contradicts what we think we know about teens and offers new hope for one of the most important aspects of our lives—our romantic relationships.

The study confirms what those of us who have worked with teens for years have known, but didn’t have the research to back up.

For more information from Richard on this topic check out the epic podcast I did with him here.

Now, when you think of teens, college kids, and sex, what do you automatically assume?

“Kids these days” are irresponsible, reckless, and oversexualized, hooking up left and right with whomever, wherever.

This is what most adults think about adolescent behavior, especially when it comes to sex.

However, the Harvard study found the opposite to be true. The research found that prevailing assumptions about the teen “hook-up” culture are wrong. Contrary to popular belief, both teens and adults are exaggerating what actually happens in the sex lives of teenagers.

This leads to teens mistakenly comparing themselves to an embellished and exaggerated culture of sex, which perpetuates self-doubt and self-betraying behaviors. They might do something risky out of not wanting to be the odd person out. Or they may beat themselves up for being caring and sensitive, thinking they are the only one who feels this way.

We now know that young people care more than we thought about having respectful and mutual love relationships. In fact, 85 percent of the respondents said they would rather hang with their friends or practice sex in a committed relationship. Cool, right?

Another finding from the study is even more surprising:

They found that 70 percent of teens and young adults actually do want guidance from adults, specifically around love relationships. What?

Yup. Turns out, teens and young adults feel anxious and extremely unprepared for what it takes to have a romantic relationship. According to the study, “70% of the 18 to 25-year-olds who responded to our survey reported wishing they had received more information from their parents about some emotional aspect of a romantic relationship.” Yes, 70 percent! That’s the vast majority of teens, folks!

These two findings alone are monumental.

And what are we doing to deliver? Pretty much nothing. That is the painful truth this study reveals: We are failing kids in the romantic relationship department across the board.

Virtually no one is teaching young people about how to have safe, successful, fulfilling romantic relationships, even though they want it. As the study says:

“For adults to hand over responsibility for educating young people about romantic love—and sex—to popular culture is a dumbfounding abdication of responsibility.”

As a result, young people will grow into adults who really struggle to thrive in a partnership and instead blowout, break up, get divorced, and feel ashamed and incompetent in their romantic relationships. This adds layers and layers of mental and emotional stress into the life of the American adult.

By now, most of us have read the 75-year Harvard study that found the single biggest determinant of life satisfaction over our lifespan is the depth and quality of our relationships. So we know how important this is, yet very little is being done to teach young adults about realistic love relationships or to raise relationally mature adults.

Instead of getting formally taught or trained on how to communicate effectively, how to listen, how to work out differences, and how to not betray yourself and your needs, we allow our society to fill the void and teach our young people, which means whatever they see, hear, and absorb from peer culture, pop culture, and avoidant parents.

Gulp.

No wonder so many of us suck at romantic relationships.

Before we completely bury ourselves in shame and throw in the towel, let’s consider the recommendations the Harvard study proposes in our attempts to reveal the next step.

Here are their first two recommendations:

  1. “Talk about love and help teens understand the difference between mature love and other forms of intense attraction.”
  2. “Guide young people in identifying healthy and unhealthy relationships.”

I love it!

Basically, the study’s broad recommendation is for parents to step up and lead here. It makes sense. The study wants to get parents more in the driver’s seat of teaching their kids about realistic, mature, adult love. I love the aspiration and intention. However, we all know there’s a big limitation with this approach, which the study acknowledges here:

“Many parents and educators, to be sure, may not see providing this guidance as their role, may not know how to have these conversations, or may feel hobbled in these conversations because they view themselves as failures in their own romantic relationships—they don’t believe they have wisdom to share.”

And, this is the challenge with the directives. Sadly, as much as parents may want to guide the youth, my guess is that most parents don’t trust themselves in this department. Many parents might be equally lost and confused about love relationships.

Can we really ask parents—who might feel ashamed of their track record or unfulfilled in their relationship life—to teach young adults about love? These same parents also never received a proper education around romantic relationships—which, by the way, are the hardest of all relationships.

Sadly, many parents are out of their league, not because they are bad people or there’s anything wrong with them, but because they never learned either.

So, what’s the big solution?

First, let’s stop assuming teens and young adults are big, scary creatures who don’t want to listen or learn from us adults.

Next, let’s stop abdicating responsibility to the media, peer culture, and society about the most important and resource-rich part of our lives.

And if we have some sh*t to learn in this department? Let’s model being a willing student ourselves, which helps kids feel less ashamed and gives them more permission to take responsibility for this magical part of our lives.

Behind their screens and walls, young people are longing for our help and guidance here. This is wonderful news. All we have to do is our work so that we can provide the guidance, support, and resources that our kids need.

I personally aim to tackle this issue head on, as it’s my life’s work. That’s why I started The Relationship School®

If you feel called to help young people get the relationship guidance they’re longing for, and help change the way the world views relationship, think about becoming a Relationship Coach with us here.

Let’s do this!

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