self-knowledge Archives - The Relationship School®

What to Say When Someone Says You’re Too Sensitive

Has someone ever told you this? “You’re too sensitive.”

Maybe they just dismiss you and judge you, like, “You’re just too sensitive,” with a wave of the hand.

This hurts because as someone who’s naturally a sensitive person, you’re already judging yourself as too sensitive.

That dagger goes right to the sensitive spot and you might start to believe their BS story.

You probably tell yourself they’re right, that you are too sensitive. You might think, “Our relationship problems are my fault,” or you wonder if maybe the relationship would be better if you weren’t so sensitive.

Before you ask yourself, “Why am I so sensitive?” or start telling yourself any more lies and making yourself feel worse, pause…

Here’s what I would say to that person who tells you, “You’re too sensitive.”

Acknowledge Your Partner’s Statement

The first thing you can say to your partner or whoever the other person is: “I hear you.”

Everyone wants to be heard in a relationship, and starting with this line makes the other person feel heard.

Then, I’d repeat their sentiment back to them: “It sounds like you think I’m too sensitive. Is that right?”

Of course, they’ll give you an affirmative response. Go with it and on to the next part of your response.

Change Your Sensitivity into a Positive Trait

Next, you can say something like, “I’m actually learning to like how sensitive I am—in fact, I’m a sensitive person and it’s a superpower of mine.” (Your partner can’t argue with that.)

You can go on to explain how your sensitivity helps you in several areas of your life. Give a couple of real examples if you like, because as long as you’re tuned in to your sensitivity, you’ll know some areas where it helps you.

Tell your partner that you’re starting to accept your sensitivity as a gift—as a part of your reality, your nervous system, and your psychological makeup.

Sensitivity in Your Relationship

In the context of your relationship, you can talk about your sensitivity in a positive light. “I think my sensitivity is going to improve our relationship.” Or, you can say something like, “I think my sensitivity is something that’s going to make our relationship even better.”

Own the level of your sensitivity. “I’m just as sensitive as I need to be.” You don’t need to let anyone else tell you how sensitive to be.

You can even mention their judgment of you. Let them know that it’s challenging when they judge you for being sensitive—and that it causes you to judge yourself for it as well. They may not have realized how it comes across and what it feels like for you.

It might be difficult, but you can even tell your partner that if they continue to judge you as too sensitive, they’re most likely with the wrong person.

Thank them for helping you accept your sensitivity even more by judging you for it. By calling attention to it, they’re giving you an opportunity to own your sensitivity and to embrace it.

Here’s a quick video about this situation:

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

But there is one caveat to all this: you have to be working on yourself in order to own and embrace your sensitivity. Back up your words with genuine acceptance.

It won’t do any good if you say it but then don’t follow through—and you just keep judging yourself. It’ll just be a bunch of empty words that go nowhere.

So make sure you’re doing the work to accept your sensitivity and how truly awesome it is. There is a ton of good in the world that can come from sensitive people, so don’t judge yourself or let anyone else judge you for it.

If you’re interested in learning the #1 skill for navigating conflict through communication, sign up for our free training here.
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Photo Credit: Kenneth Gorzal Surillo – Pexels

Why Do I Withdraw from My Partner?

Are you a distancer in your relationship? You know—are you someone who pulls away or withdraws when things get emotionally intense?

If that very question made you want to retreat, don’t panic. Being a distancer doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or anything like that. But whether you’re the person who pulls away or you’ve been with someone who has, this is something important to recognize, and acknowledging it will help your current and future relationships.

Most likely, you’re not pulling away from your partner in an effort to hurt that person. In fact, you probably aren’t even thinking about the effect your withdrawal has on them.

So, then, why do I withdraw from my partner?

Reasons Distancers Pull Away

You might be a distancer because withdrawing has worked for you in the past. For some, the easiest thing to do in a situation where you’re unsure is nothing. You may not be trying to run away, but you’re not putting out the effort to stay where you usually are, either.

Maybe you became a distancer because no one else was around to help you when things got tough in your relationship. You encountered a situation, felt paralyzed, and had nowhere to turn, so you got used to dealing with things on your own. This type of behavior stems from the way your caregivers treated you when you were a child and usually indicates the avoidant attachment style. You probably feel that you’re a pretty self-reliant person because you got used to being on your own.

Another reason you might pull away in a relationship is that being alone and figuring things out for yourself feels like the right thing to do. Maybe you feel instinctively that you need to “think through things” and not communicate with anyone else until you have.

How Withdrawing Affects Your Relationship

Going back to where your focus is when you withdraw…it’s probably not on your partner, is it? Most likely, it’s on your feelings or the problem itself. Or maybe you’re someone who tends to immerse themselves in some type of escape to avoid focusing on the issue.

The truth is, your withdrawal may be causing your partner stress or anxiety, especially if you end up pulling away for long periods of time or on a regular basis. If you look at the situation from your partner’s perspective, they may not understand what’s going on or even know the reason you’ve distanced yourself. They might feel really scared or angry or alone.

Withdrawal can affect you, too—both emotionally and physically. If you’re avoiding dealing with issues, that means they’re stuffed down inside you somewhere, and that can get unhealthy for you as well. Besides, you now have a double issue—the original plus the ones withdrawing has caused.

Here’s a video with some advice for distancers:

People Are Meant for Relationships

If we’re meant for relationships, what do you do? On some level, you want to be in a relationship—you see value in it—and yet you have this desire to withdraw at times. So what’s your best option moving forward?

Well, you don’t have to try to revamp your entire persona. In fact, you can take some pressure off yourself right now and work with small changes.

Even just a little bit of communication, a small effort, will make a big difference. Try talking to your partner, telling them how you feel, and if you need some space, let them know! You’ll have a much better chance of them respecting your need if you approach it up front and honestly. But like everything, you have to put in a little work in order to get the benefits.

So next time you feel like pulling away in your relationship, no matter the reason, stay aware of your feelings—and your partner’s. It’ll improve both sides now and in the long run.

For three tips on getting a man’s heart back after he’s pulled away, check out this free training.

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Photo Credit: Andrew Neel – Unsplash

The Value of Emotional Intelligence

Do emotions have actual value, or are they just something you either suppress or wear on your sleeve? How can you easily identify what you’re feeling, and further, process it—or should you?

Too many times, we have been taught by culture, family, patterns, or our own methods of processing that our emotions have no value and therefore should be shelved, shoved down, spent, smoked, drank, eaten, gambled, or shoved under the rug. (The list could get pretty long here.)

You can probably guess that none of these things are healthy ways of dealing with your emotions. If you’re out of touch with your emotions—and a lot of us are, especially men—you may not even know how you feel, much less how to deal with it.

Maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum and you’re thinking, How on earth could anyone not know how they feel? Well, it happens…and it has to do with something called emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence Is a Thing

Your brain has a rational side and an emotional side—and while an IQ test may measure rational intelligence, it doesn’t take emotional intelligence into account. This concept is mainly related to being mindful of your emotions, identifying them, and being able to manage them.

While the idea of an “emotional IQ” may sound daunting, it doesn’t need to be. No one’s going to be scoring your emotional intelligence to decide what college you’ll be accepted to or anything.

However, it is beneficial to be able to name and understand your emotions—not just for your own mental and emotional health, but for the sake of others. Since no man is an island, your emotional intelligence—or lack thereof—does affect those you have relationships with.

What’s Wrong with Ignoring Our Emotions?

You may be wondering, “Why can’t I just ignore my emotions? What’s the benefit of being aware of them, anyway?”

Well, just like last month’s crumbs that you swept under the rug, they’re still there. Hiding them does not make them go away…and further, they’re probably growing moldy and stinky under there.

Here’s a short video on the subject of emotions:

The fact is, if you bottle up your feelings, they’re going to come out sometime. It may not be the same day or the same week, but they will resurface, and usually, it’s not a pretty sight after they’ve been festering below the surface.

No matter how much you may deny it (or maybe you’re unaware of it), you’re born with emotions and feelings, which means they are a part of your biological makeup! Once you accept that, you can learn how to work on demolishing that wall you’ve built—big or small—and getting in touch with them. This is where it can benefit you as well as others in your life.

Express Yourself if You Want Meaningful Connections

When you reach a place where you’re able to say, “Hey, I feel ” and express that to another person, it paves the way for much deeper, more meaningful connections. It may be difficult to allow yourself that vulnerability, but ultimately, it will improve your life and your relationships.

That’s what breaking down those emotional walls is all about. Think about it: regardless of whether you feel happy, sad, excited, miserable, etc., what do you want in that moment? You want someone to share that feeling with. If you try to share it and get nothing back from the other person, your emotion bounces off their wall and your connection is severed.

No one wants to have a relationship without connection—that typically ends up being a disappointing one-way street. In fact, it’s really not a relationship at all.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationships is to allow yourself to feel. Remember, your emotions are there for a reason—and they’re not going away! So work on cultivating that emotional intelligence through mindfulness and see how your connections improve.

If you’d like to learn more about relationships and gauge your own relationship score, sign up for my free training.

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Photo Credit: Tom Pumford – Unsplash

How to Get What You Want in a Relationship

In life, you may not always be able to get what you want…but does that mean you should just give up trying to get what you want when it comes to relationships?

It can be easy to fall into the pattern of setting aside your needs, settling for less than what you truly want, and minimizing your desires in order to please your partner in a relationship. But where does that leave you?

It could leave you in a number of places, none of which are good. If you’re constantly behaving from a place of fear—fear that your partner might leave you, might yell at you, might belittle you—then you’re not being true to yourself and your needs or desires. If you feel like you are always dodging or walking on eggshells in order to avoid conflict, that still means you’re acting out of fear.

Truthfully, it is possible to get what you want in a relationship. There is one big thing you can do as well as a few things to avoid in order to reach a place where you’re getting what you want from a relationship.

If you feel you’re not currently getting what you want, starting with what not to do may help you understand where you are—and where to go from there.

How to Have a Mediocre Relationship

Chances are, no one has ever begun a relationship aiming for mediocrity. “I think I’ll enter this relationship to demean myself, stifle my voice, and diminish my needs,” said no one ever. So why would we allow ourselves to get to that place? Further, how do we find ourselves in that place to begin with?

The greatest way to get a relationship that consists of mere scraps is to deny your desires and change your behavior, interests, etc. based on what you believe your partner wants. In doing this, you compromise not only your needs, but your core as an individual.

You most likely know someone who’s a classic example of this. Maybe you have a friend whose personality seems to change based on the person they’re dating at the moment. You find yourself wondering when that person you’ve known for years decided to take up hunting, became a pro wrestling fan, or shifted from being someone who talked nonstop to someone who barely says three words to you. Typically, it’s easier to recognize in another person, although once you notice it, you may want to do some self-reflection, too.

Changing any aspect of your personality to conform to someone else’s is definitely the way to achieve mediocrity in a relationship. When you get down to the nitty-gritty, you’ll realize the reason you’re doing this is to avoid conflict with your partner.

Avoiding conflict and trying not to “rock the boat” aren’t necessarily bad things in themselves—until they cause you to compromise your voice and your needs. So how, then, do you get out of this cycle?

Telling the Truth Is Crucial

If you want a healthy two-way relationship where you both get what you want, the biggest thing you can do is tell the truth.

It seems simple, sure. But when you think about it, your partner can’t possibly know your needs, wants, feelings, etc. unless you are truthful about them. Stifling your thoughts and desires leads to unhappiness, but truth-telling leads to freedom.

Before you can tell your partner the truth, it’s imperative you tell yourself the truth. You might try to convince yourself you love skiing, for example, but if you truly don’t, it makes things worse for yourself and for the relationship if you’re dishonest about it.

Expressing yourself freely is vital to getting what you want, because you want to feel that your relationship is a safe place to do that. You want to be assured that you can speak your truth, even if it means getting upset, and have your partner stick by you and learn more about you from the experience. You want to feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts—and you want to know that your partner has a desire to discover how you tick and what it takes to help you share your truth.

Telling the truth about your feelings and thoughts needs to be mutual for both partners to be happy in a relationship. So remember to be truthful with yourself, be honest with your partner, and encourage your partner to do the same with you.

Here’s a short video on the subject:

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for What You Want and Claim It

If you’re afraid to be vulnerable in your relationship, your partner will never know the real you. You’ll feel stifled, and your wants will become invalidated—but in this case, by you and not by your partner. Your partner can’t possibly fulfill your needs if they are unaware of them, now, can they?

Instead, let go of that fear. Recognize that you are an amazing person just as you are; it’s essential for you to believe that. When you speak truth and ask for what you want from a place of that belief, it changes the relationship dynamic.

Think about what you want in your relationship. It could be a deeper connection, more sex, a better conflict resolution process; your wants are unique to you. Don’t diminish them! Your desires and needs are valid and don’t belong on a shelf just to make your partner happy. Claim them—honestly—and communicate them to your partner. Ask your partner to meet you in that place.

After all, if you’re willing to meet your partner in that place as well, then you deserve to have that reciprocated.

It’s not too much to ask for what you want, so let go of that belief. Be truthful with yourself, claim your feelings, and share them honestly. It is possible to get what you want in a relationship.

For a look into working through differences and disagreements quickly in your relationship, sign up for a free training here.

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Photo Credit: Sincerely Media Unsplash

10 things to Try Before Ending Your Relationship

Ready To Call It Quits In Your Relationship? Try these 10 things First:

Get to the absolute origin of why you want out.

Is there too much conflict? Do you not know how to communicate in ways that each partner feels heard and understood? Was there infidelity, and it feels impossible to move forward? Is the passion dead? Is there a basic level of distrust?

Does your partner feel like a stranger? Do you feel like you have nothing in common?

Does one of you think the grass would be greener with someone else? Do you have conflicting values? Does one of you want to grow, and the other is cool with the status quo? Is one of you doing more or less of the work? Is there mental illness or addictions that are impeding health in the relationship?

Don’t focus on the symptoms, such as, “He won’t do the dishes,” or “She is too emotional.” Find the cause. If you do not, you will inevitably bring it into your next relationship!

Write down a laundry list of resentments you both have with each other.

Do not hold back. Be ruthlessly honest while using language that does not blame or name call. Use “I feel” statements, so you are each owning your experiences. “I feel like I never get the romance I want.” “I feel like I carry the burden of the relationship on my shoulders.” “I feel like I never get enough space.” “I feel like growth is not important to you.” “I feel threatened by the relationships you have with other women or men.”

Ownership.

While we are on the subject of ownership, each partner takes ownership for what you are doing or not doing to create the possible demise of your relationship. Yep, not easy. And own your sh*t!

Learn how to repair after your fights.

If you think fighting is the problem, think again. Not learning how to mend your conflicts is the problem. All couples fight, and if they do not, it is usually due to the fear of conflict. Learn how to repair in four easy steps.

First, collaboratively decide if it is an appropriate time to repair. If one person is not ready to talk, that person needs to let the other person know when they are available. Ideally, a repair should happen within 30 minutes of the conflict, according to Stan Tatkin, author and therapist. If this is not possible, make a plan for when the repair will happen.

Second, listen to each other’s side of why the conflict occurred. Do not respond while the other person is speaking. Receptively listen, even if you want to jump out of your skin. When you share your experience, speak using “I” statements. “I felt like you were defensive when you walked in the door and I got triggered.” “I felt dismissed.” “I felt mistrustful of you when you went to the bathroom with your phone.” If things get heated while you are taking turns sharing your experiences, take time outs. Calm yourselves down and reconvene. Better yet, calm each other down. “I see that what I said upset you. Is there something I can do to help?” “What do you need right now?”

Third, own your part. What did you each do to contribute to the fight? “I got defensive and acted like a dick because I wanted to avoid you.” “I got reactive because I felt scared that you would not hear me.” Once again, listen to the other person as they own their part. Allow them space to share without responding.

Fourth, come up with a plan for the next time a fight happens and how you will do better to help each other in the future. Learning how to both fight and repair well is an art form. It takes time and lots of trial and error.

Learn your partner’s triggers.

What are your biggest stressors? What about you stresses them out? What do you need from each other to feel calmer while triggered? Ideally, your partner should be a balm for you when in an activated state.

Know your attachment styles.

Listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole on the 4 Attachment Styles here.

Make a list of your needs, and don’t hold back.

Your relationship is in crisis, and you cannot afford to be anything but transparent now. Know what needs are deal-breakers. “I need you to be monogamous.” “I need you to invest time and energy in personal and relational growth.” Yep, having needs and appearing “needy” is triggering for many humans. And, we all share this humanness if we are willing to look inward.

Go away for a weekend together, just the two of you.

I guarantee after a couple of days, you will have more clarity about a path forward, even if it is a plan to separate. There are too many distractions in daily life that interfere with intimate partnerships. Remove them and see what happens. There may be blow-ups, sweet exchanges, or both. Stay present with each other.

Make a list of all of the benefits of the relationship.

What are you getting out of it? These can be positive or negative. “I get to be with my best friend.” “I get to be supported financially and not have to deal with making money.” “I get someone to do fun things with.” “I don’t have to be alone and face my fear of loneliness.” Be extremely honest with yourselves and each other.

Get support and have a plan of action, whether you stay together or not.

Hire a coach or therapist. Take a workshop or seminar together. There are no quick fixes either way, and you cannot do it alone. Get educated. Allow yourselves to be seen in your human messiness. I guarantee you will learn something and grow. I would love to hear from you. Feel free to book a free 30-minute consultation here.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Find out more about Keri and the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach below!

https://kerisignoracci.com

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https://www.instagram.com/kerisig/?hl=en

The Relationship School is Helping Veterans

Did you know that, according to the American Psychological Association, nearly 25% of service members returning from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom have reported symptoms of PTSD? And did you know that most veterans come home and their marriages and relationships fall apart?

Warren McKee was one such veteran who lost his family, became addicted to drugs, and ….Warren’s life fell apart. More on Warren’s story here.

But then in 2016 Warren signed up for The Relationship School and his life completely transformed.

Now, Warren is a Certified Level 1 Relationship Coach that’s taking the tools he’s learned at The Relationship School to teach veterans in Austin, TX how to communicate with their partners.

“I’m providing some street-level tools from The Relationship School to people who may find it challenging, or even impossible, to communicate to their partners.”

Along with the help of a therapist, Warren is providing tools to veterans and their partners to show them how to better communicate with individuals that suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

If you think it’s hard to communicate with your partner, try attempting to do so while having flashbacks of war or being triggered by certain tones in someone’s voice. Damn!

Yet, Warren claims these veterans are learning how to tame their hyperactive brains by listening to others using the tools he’s teaching.

“These tools are showing them what being present in a conversation looks like, what that feels like. It’s amazing to witness.”

The power that feeling understood holds is incredible.

These veterans are feeling understood by their partners for the first time, and vise versa for their partners, and it’s transforming their lives.

When was the last time you felt truly understood by someone? Do you remember what that felt like?

All our victim stories show their true colors when we feel understood and we get to recognize their limitation if we choose.

It may be the greatest gift you can give to another to listen to them until they feel understood. This understanding gives rise to the gifts of presence and connection for those involved.

If these traumatized veterans can lean into their fears of communication and use these tools to connect with their partners then so can you.

Are you ready to learn the tools you need to get into deeper connection with your partner and yourself?

Check out The Relationship School for podcasts, blogs, and products in all things relationship, and check out the coaching page to schedule a call with one of the fantastic Relationship Coaches to support and challenge you to be your best self while getting the connection you deserve.

If you want to get schooled in relationships like Warren did, check out DPIR (the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships) to get the class you were never taught in school.

Wanna learn more about how you can get involved with your local vets center or how to connect with other resources available to vets in your area? Reach out to Warren at [email protected] and find out how.

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In the featured photo, from left to right, are veterans Steve Srotir, Levi Chettle, and Warren McKee at an event for The Relationship School.

Warren McKee served in Baghdad, Iraq from 2007-2008 in the 186th Military Police Company. He was honorably discharged from the Army National Guard. Find out more about him and his coaching services here.

Levi Chettle was stationed in Fort Benning and went on 3 deployments in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. He was deployed to Kandahar and the Helmand Province, and served in the 75th Ranger Regiment, 3rd Ranger Battalion, A Company. Check out Levi’s Relationship Coaching services here.

Steve Srotir served as part of Operation Restore Hope in Somalia, Africa with the 7th Marines of 29 Palms, CA. He provided security for international care operations in Mogadishu, Bardera, and Baidoa. Here’s what he had to say, “there’s a beauty in what’s happening at The Relationship School. Everyone here is working together as a team, learning and practicing skills until they become second nature. There’s no fluff. It’s intense at times. We are training for real-life scenarios and all the moving parts involved. And like the Marines, it’s not for everyone. The Relationship School is for people who are dedicated, focused, and willing to do what it takes to develop real-world relational fitness.” – Steve Srotir, United States Marine Corps Veteran