self-knowledge Archives - Page 9 of 13 - The Relationship School®

The Grass Is Greener Syndrome in Relationships – SC 69

The grass is greener with that other person! I used to think this quietly in my mind all the time, no matter who I was with. In this episode, I share my personal drama with this mentality and what it’s really about. Not only that, I offer something to help you get through it. It might just make you more likely to commit to the one you’re with.

SHOWNOTES

Jayson shares his personal story about leaving relationships when the going got tough. [8:45]
The kinds of partners who will more likely have a “grass is greener” mentality. [11:00]
How closeness and space impact ambivalence. [13:00]
Will a new partner solve the current problem or bad feelings I’m having? [16:15]
Jayson’s recommendation if you’re wanting to jump from relationship to relationship. [18:00]
When the grass really is greener over there and it might be time to exit. [21:15]
Jayson’s action steps for the listener. [ 24:45]

HELPFUL LINKS

The Relationship School™ Youth Mentorship Program (Available only for kids ages 16 to 25)
Monogamy & The Smart Couple – Facebook Group
How to Leave A Podcast Review
SC 18 – How Therapist Bruce Tift Helped Me Have The Balls To Marry My Wife
SC 31 – 2 Valid Reasons For Divorce

3 Steps To Become More Resilient Before, During & After A Fight with Dr. Rick Hanson – SC 67

It is possible to rewire your brain in relationships and build inner strength. In fact, if you don’t work toward this, you’ll be in trouble down the road when the allostatic load catches up to you later in life. In this episode I interview Dr. Rick Hanson. He’s a passionate expert on mindfulness, the brain, neuroscience and relationships. We geek out on the intricacies of the brain but he also brings some very practical tools and insights on how we can improve our relationships by using the natural genius of our mind. Lots of notes to take on this one! Hang in there. It can get dense.

SHOWNOTES

Why Jayson was anti-marriage until age 34 [2:00]
How did Dr. Hanson get so passionate about brain science and relationships? [11:00]
A Native American story about love and hate [13:00]
Why is so difficult for couples to work their shit out? [17:30]
What are two lessons from the wiring of our ancestors’ nervous systems? [19:30]
Two practices to rewire your brain to build your inner psychological strength [22:00]
How to stop the negativity train of our mind when we’re already triggered [25:00]
Tips for developing ourselves before we get into a fight with our partners [32:30]
What happens in our brains when we are triggered by our partner? [46:00]
How being chronically frustrated, lonely, let down, disconnected impacts the brain and body. [51:30]
The ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions [60:00]
A 10-day challenge to the listener on how to radically shift the dynamic in your relationship. [65:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

ARTICLES & PODCAST EPISODES MENTIONED

GUEST BIO

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, and New York Times best-selling author. His books are available in 26 languages and include Hardwiring Happiness, Buddha’s Brain, Just One Thing, and Mother Nurture. He edits the Wise Brain Bulletin and has numerous audio programs. A summa cum laude graduate of UCLA and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, he’s been an invited speaker at Oxford, Stanford, Harvard, and other major universities, and taught in meditation centers worldwide. His work has been featured on the BBC, CBS, and NPR, and he offers the free Just One Thing newsletter with over 120,000 subscribers, plus the online Foundations of Well-Being program in positive neuroplasticity that anyone with financial need can do for free.

10 Rules To Dealing With Conflict At Home

Fighting is unavoidable.

Knowing how is essential.

Since getting married, I don’t think my wife and I have had a major blow-out fight because we have the skills and we practice them. Now when Ellen and I fight, argue or disagree, we are efficient with our challenges, triggers, and disagreements because we learned how.
So, if you are afraid of conflict or avoid it, you’re screwed until you face this fundamental fear.

My wife Ellen and I put together these 10 rules or agreements you can get in place as “preventative care” in your relationship. (more…)

Fault vs Responsibility – SC 66

Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group.

Also check out the blog post on the same subject here.

SHOWNOTES

Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30]
The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15]
The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30]
How to not get cheated on again. [10:15]
The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00]
Jayson’s challenge for the listener. [19:30]

HELPFUL LINKS

EPISODES MENTIONED

Keys To Mastering Relationships & Life With Dr. John Demartini – SC 60

The Cost Of Stress In Your Primary Relationships with Dr. Gabor Maté – SC 63

Most of us have no idea how damaging relational stress can be. In this episode, legendary medical doctor and psycho-physio-spiritual trailblazer Dr. Gabor Maté brings some very grounded, practical examples of how relationship stress can impact our lives. The result of stress can be seen throughout the web of our life and it’s up to us to learn how to relate and attach well to our fellow humans. I love how this man turns such complicated topics into common sense. If you want a deeper cut about your marriage, children, or any stressful relationship, this episode is a must listen. SHOWNOTES

Why we’re evolutionarily wired to get high off of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. [2:30]
What happens when Gabor’s wife forgets to pick him up at the airport. [13:30]
How our partners are perfectly suited to help us grow. [15:35]
What happened in Gabor’s childhood that makes his wife a perfect match for him now. [18:00]
The long-term cost of not dealing with stress. [20:00]
How parents can be compromised by raising their children. [22:30]
The link between our relationship health and our physical and mental health. [24:30]
What’s the best way to deal with our own relational and attachment issues? [34:00]
Why relational healing modalities are so effective. [38:00]
What we can learn from pygmy cultures about parenting and relationships. [40:30]
How relationship can most effectively be taught to children. [42:00]
The effect of Facebook and Internet on kids. [46:00]
Jayson gives an action step [50:30]

HELPFUL LINKS

PODCAST EPISODES MENTIONED

How To Feel Safe & Secure With Your Partner with Stan Tatkin – SC 53

GUEST BIO A renowned speaker, and bestselling author, Dr. Gabor Maté is highly sought after for his expertise on a range of topics including addiction, stress and childhood development. Rather than offering quick-fix solutions to these complex issues, Dr. Maté weaves together scientific research, case histories, and his own insights and experience to present a broad perspective that enlightens and empowers people to promote their own healing and that of those around them. For twelve years Dr. Maté worked in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside with patients challenged by hard-core drug addiction, mental illness and HIV, including at Vancouver’s Supervised Injection Site. With over 20 years of family practice and palliative care experience and extensive knowledge of the latest findings of leading-edge research, Dr. Maté is a sought-after speaker and teacher, regularly addressing health professionals, educators, and lay audiences throughout North America and internationally. As an author, Dr. Maté has written several bestselling books including the award-winning In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction; When the Body Says No:The Cost of Hidden Stress (published in the United States as When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection); and Scattered Minds: A New Look at the Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder (published in the United States as Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What you Can Do About It), and co-authored Hold on to Your Kids. His works have been published internationally in twenty languages. Dr. Maté is the co-founder of Compassion for Addiction, a new non-profit that focusses on addiction. He is also an advisor of Drugs over Dinner. Dr. Maté has received the Hubert Evans Prize for Literary Non-Fiction; an Honorary Degree (Law) from the University of Northern British Columbia; an Outstanding Alumnus Award from Simon Fraser University; the 2012 Martin Luther King Humanitarian Award from Mothers Against Teen Violence; and the 2012 AccolAIDS award for Health Promotion and Harm Reduction, Positive Living Society of B.C.. He is an adjunct professor in the Faculty of Criminology, Simon Fraser University.

5 Steps To Calm Down Fast During A Fight – SC 62

Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing are essential in a relationship, But it’s critical to know how. Here’s a short episode to help you understand how to calm down so you don’t do or say something you’ll later regret.

SHOWNOTES

Why Jayson doesn’t recommend long-term relationship for everyone. [1:45]
Why do some couples that use one single email account? Share your thoughts in the private Facebook group [6:15]
The likely reason you struggle with conflict in your relationship. [9:30]
What defines a fight? [15:00]
The 5 steps [15:45]
You must have this ingredient whenever you do a “time-out” during a fight. [17:30]
The sure-fire recipe for divorce and breakups. [24:00]
Jayson’s two powerful action steps for this episode. [28:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

EPISODES MENTIONED