Jayson, Author at The Relationship School®

Partner Not Meeting Your Sexual Needs – SC 105

Is it okay to go outside the marriage to get your sexual needs met? While this may seem like a straightforward answer, it’s amazing to me how many folks ask this question who are having affairs. When is this okay and when is it not okay? Listen in for my opinions on the matter.

SHOWNOTES

Question: I’m finally reading Mating in Captivity and it appears that I have a successful life partnership with my husband who I love deeply and care about, but enjoy a better sexual match with another man. The other man is not gender specific in our intimacy, which I am happy with, and is very emotionally available, whereas my husband is not. I’m feeling unhappy about the infidelity (sounds better than ‘cheating’) that the affair causes, but at the same time, don’t want it to end or my marriage to finish.
As selfish as this is, I’m ok with it. What does it mean when we go outside the cultural confines to get our non-negotiable needs met?

Are you justifying an affair with bullshit? [4:00]
The definition of a successful life partnership [6:00]
Learning to be our neurotic, weird, true selves in relationship [9:00]
If you’re not getting your sexual needs met, here’s what to do [11:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

How To Deal With An Avoidant Partner & Interpersonal Stress – Stan Tatkin – SC 104

Stan Tatkin returns and serves up another awesome dose of relationship advice through the lens of adult attachment. From how relationships impact your health, to helping your triggered or upset partner, to dealing with an avoidant partner, we cover a lot of ground as Stan answers 8 or so questions from you, the listener. This one is full of helpful tips to improve and enhance your connection over time. SHOWNOTES

Why is the country feeling so much anxiety? [1:00]
The effect that your ‘allostatic load’ has on your life [3:00]
What chronic relationship stress can do to your health [5:00]
How to not take things personally [8:00]
Learning to ‘lead with relief’ to create a safer space for each other [12:00]
A great way to handle your partner getting triggered [14:00]
Why Carl Jung didn’t like taking patients under 35 [18:00]
A rough guide to dealing with avoidant-types/islands [21:00]
Should you force your teenager to make eye contact with you? [35:00]
The power of ‘jointly attending’ with a resistant partner [37:00]
‘Parallel play’ and its hidden dangers [39:00]
How to free up resources for higher development[42:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method-called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy)-draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning. Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling Wired For Love and Wired For Dating published by New Harbinger. StanTatkin.com

How To Get Over A Cheating Spouse – SC 103

There’s no question cheating hurts like hell. Of course. It feels like such a mean thing to do to someone. You obviously ask “Why?” Or “How could you?” While understanding why is important, what eventually becomes more important is recovering and getting over the cheating. Here are a few tips on how to get over cheating.

SHOWNOTES

Question: Once someone cheats on you should you walk away completely and let go, or do you think going through something like this could strengthen a relationship and create a deeper bond? Not sure where to draw the boundaries. When I found out about the cheating, I spent 3 hours trying to understand why. Am I being too understanding? I’d like to know what your thoughts are when it comes to getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Any advice?

Spending $20 Billion on ‘love’ [3:00]
What happens when it’s high stakes and you’re married with kids? [8:00]
The surprising benefits to being cheated-on [9:00]
How to re-establish trust after a boundary breach [12:00]
Finding the opportunity in the crisis [14:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

The Surprising Difference Between Divorced People and Married People – Mark Manson – SC 102

What can you learn from divorced people and people who are married for a decade or two? What are the main differences? There are two and we cover them in this episode with author Mark Manson. We also explore how Mark navigated a big challenge with his now wife and why self-improvement and self-awareness are so essential to long-term partnership.

SHOWNOTES

The fundamental issues people have in relationships [9:00]
Why we need to communicate without blame [13:00]
How to avoid ‘enmeshment’ and maintain a strong, independent identity [14:00]
Three questions to ask to dig deeper into your emotional states [21:00]
The HUGE difference between divorced people and happily married people [23:25]
What do all long-term (20+ years) happily married people have in common? [24:00]
One keystone value for a rock-solid, long-term marriage [27:00]
What needs to be added to our schooling to prepare us for the real world [29:00]
The ‘Self Awareness Onion’ [33:00]
Three layers of self-awareness [34:00]

HELPFUL LINKS

GUEST BIO

Mark Manson is a blogger, author and entrepreneur. He specializes in writing personal development advice that doesn’t suck. His website MarkManson.net is read by over 2 million people each month. He lives in New York City.

Getting Your Partner To Meet Your Needs – SC 101

Is it your partner’s job to meet your needs? Find out in this short episode…

SHOWNOTES

Question: I’d love to hear more about the possible distinction between standing in one’s own needs and then the problematic zone of asking or expecting a partner to change. Asking for change in certain areas seems reasonable and I use my own potential reaction to being asked to change as a measure: “Would I respond well to my partner asking me to change in this area?”
But some areas seem tricky, such as Love Languages: “XYZ behaviour that is hard for you is actually what most supports me feeling loved and seen” etc. Could you speak to this?